It had been a long day. After a morning full of meetings and an afternoon at the studio, he was exhausted. He tossed his keys on the counter and began his ascent upstairs. Only when the cool tile was felt underneath his bare feet did he allow the muscles in his body to relax. He quietly stripped himself of his sweat-drenched clothes and stepped underneath the stream of water. A moan of satisfaction slipped from Justin�s pursed lips as the suds dutifully cleansed his worn spirit. Contentment would only come when the steam had fully clouded his emotions.

Justin�s feet padded over the thick carpet as he rubbed the towel through his damp curls. As he made his way to the den, chimes interrupted his thought. �Oh God, please tell me that is not him. I don�t think I can handle this tonight.�

The door opened on a silent street. "What the hell? Stupid kids," Justin mumbled. He began to shut the door as he noticed the package calmly lying at his feet. Bending down, he grabbed the small box and began a careful inspection. Each crevice was examined as he took the package inside. But it was the name on the sender that sent fire through his veins. �Joshua Chasez.�

�Oh, this is even worse than him showing up here. Now he�s sending me things. Great. Just great.� The curious part of Justin had the strong urge to rip open the box, and discover its contents. But a much larger part of him was still very frustrated with JC. That part of him wouldn�t allow him to open the package just yet. What if whatever was in there made him not hate JC quite as much as he should? What if it diminished his anger? He just wasn�t ready for that yet. �He knows exactly what he�s doing to me just by sending this. Oh yes, he does. Bastard.�

Justin simply stood there and stared at the harmless yet threatening brown box for several moments before he forced his feet to move. He turned to face the direction that would lead him out of the kitchen, and started walking very slowly to the doorway. When he finally reached it, he froze in his spot once again. Without a second thought, he dashed back to the table where he had left the package. "I shouldn�t open it. Shouldn�t open it. Shouldn�t. But�it�s�" his words trailed off as he lost any train of thought that could possibly indicate any reason why this mysterious parcel shouldn�t be opened. His long fingers quickly slipped under the flaps that were taped to the sides, pulling them up, then tearing away the rest of the wrapping. He was left with a small white box. He hesitantly pulled the lid open, and the sight that reached his eyes caused his heartbeat to quicken and a strange statement to find its way onto his handsome face.

The moment he opened it, the decision was regretted immensely. �Dammit, definitely shouldn�t have opened it. Uh�I knew he would do this to me. Man doesn�t have the common courtesy to let his boyfriend stay angry at him for three days. Even with a damn good reason, too.�

The items that were nestled in the box amongst the puffs of tissue paper were nothing extraordinary. They were simple, thoughtful, and sweet. The whole concept was so very Josh.

He reached down to grab the top item in his slim fingers. A wide grin spread across his face as he examined the cover of the CD, the flipped it over to skim through the artists and song titles. "My God, he�s such a dork." It was a recent compilation of the top twenty love songs of the last two decades. "I swear sometimes he thinks I�m a chick." He set the disk down on the table immediately after realizing that his hurt was diminishing slightly, and reached back into the box. Confusion flickered briefly in his eyes as he picked up the bottle of Ralph Lauren cologne. �I don�t wear Ralph Lauren.� It took several moments before he realized that JC did. It was a sweet gesture, and he couldn�t help the laugh that escaped him as the bottle was set down next to the CD.

With closed eyes Justin braced himself for the next trinket he was sure to find. But much to his shock the item was soft and singularly wrapped. With one peek, he realized exactly what Josh was aiming towards. Total emotion overload.

In his hand lay a fun size Snicker, the one item they had to remember their �first date.� In Justin�s eyes it had never met the requirements, but the night was certainly memorable. They had been alone in their hotel room with only each other and an extremely large bag of Snickers for company. That was the night they first said those three little words. Granted it was a bit dorky, but Josh officially made Snickers their hidden symbol. Justin sighed as Josh�s voice filled his head. "I love you."

With a grateful smile he reached among the tissue and pulled out a small picture frame. The photo was new to him, but at the same time very old. It had to have been taken three years ago, probably in the spur of the moment, so he had every right to not remember. But their young faces stared at him, burning a hole into his memory forever. That was around the time Justin had come out. Not fully, neither of them had, but among the guys, Justin was just as gay as JC. As he looked back down upon the memory, he noticed that freedom in the blue eyes staring back at him. This sent a feeling of guilt sweeping over his entire body. Josh was the one who had told him it was okay to be gay. Josh was the one who had given him freedom. But now, seeing those young faces caused jolts of pain to shoot through him like he had been shocked.

"And on to the next�oh�my�God." There lay an entire pack of sparkly blue gel pens. "He remembered," Justin commented in awe. His eyes slowly scanned the room looking for the hidden object. With two large strides he met up with an almost empty, and very beaten, sparkly blue gel pen, identical to the new pack lying on the table. �At least I don�t have to worry about it running out anymore. I have plenty of spares.� He chuckled as he remembered the �tattoo� JC had once given him with the pen. But that was a stupid memory that he didn�t need to think about at the moment. What he did need to do was get through this blasted white box.

He returned to the box, and didn�t see anything else in it at first. He pulled the rest of the paper out of the package. Then in the process of pulling it out, a small, black box fell out onto the table. It had been hidden at the bottom of the box. Obviously, it was the last thing JC had intended for him to open. The cliched sight of a small black box caused Justin�s heart to speed up, working a little harder due to his nerves of what the box might hold. He reached down to it hesitantly, and lifted the cover with a rushed hand motion. What lay before him, caused his breath to catch in his throat, and his expression changed from nervousness to disbelief. It was one of those gifts that didn�t need an explanation. It didn�t really need a story to back it up. The fact that it was here in front of him said everything. For a brief instant, every bit of anger and frustration that he felt toward JC at that moment, or at anytime before in his life, just shattered and fell away to nothing. Lying against soft, velvety material was one of JC�s most valued possessions.

Justin�s fingers firmly gripped the worn leather string, and lifted it out along with the silver medallion. He lifted it up closer to his face, still not believing he was actually holding it, and the lion�s face stared back at him. JC had sent his Leo necklace. His precious good luck charm that he had worm without taking it off for so many years. In a seemingly simple gift, he was giving a part of himself to Justin, in search of forgiveness and understanding. He set the necklace down in the small box. It was clear to him that giving in was all he had left to do, but only if that could turn out to be possible for his heart to do. He looked longingly at the cordless, white phone resting on the counter, and ran the thoughts over in hid head of what he could possibly say to this man.

He quickly brushed the thought out of his mind. A phone conversation wasn�t worthy of what he had to say, but then again, he wasn�t worthy of Josh. He lunged for the phone and proceeded to dial Josh�s number, only to drop it once again. Face to face. He needed to have Josh see his eyes; he needed him to see inside his soul when he spoke. It was the only way.

And then it dawned on him; it was Josh that hurt him, not the other way around. Chimes again interrupted his thought process causing him to curse the day doorbells were invented. He slowly dragged his feet to the fated destination only to find, yet again, another box. �What the hell? I love him but this has got to stop,� an exasperated Justin sighed. He quickly returned to the kitchen as the feeling of deja vu swept over him. The box opened with a flick of his wrists and among identical tissue lay a note in Josh�s scribbled handwriting. �Just, I made dinner plans for us tonight at Kelly�s. I hope you�ll be there. � Josh� That was it. An entire box to hold one tiny note. Justin looked at his watch as he realized that it was close to eight, and he had probably better get moving. He ran up to his room and quickly changed into gray slacks and a maroon sweater, and was on his way.

He knew exactly where he was going and what the atmosphere was like, so after he pulled up he quickly slipped inside the packed restaurant and moved to the back corner. There he sat in perfection, slowly stirring his ice tea as he looked around at the paintings on the walls. This was Josh�s favorite place.

�Hey Josh.�

"Justin! Thank God you came. I was getting so worried that you were pissed at me.� A waiter came and brought Justin an ice tea as he sat down.

�Thanks.� Justin laughed at JC�s flustered complexion and took deep breaths for him. �Breathe C, it�s gonna be alright. I promise.� His eyes lit up and Justin quickly fixed his slip. �Well...not completely alright, because I�m still ticked off.�

�The box didn�t help even a little?�

�No, see this is me after the box. Just try and imagine how pissed I was before the box. Believe me, the box was a good thing. I just want to know why you did it. What could have compelled you to do that to me?�

�Just...�

�Don�t Just me,� Justin hissed. �You slept with Trace.� Tears began to form in Josh�s eyes as Justin continued his whispered criticism. �My best friend and my boyfriend. It made a pretty picture in my head. Look at me! Do you see the hate and the hurt and the love in these eyes? I know you see it goddammit. Look at me!� JC slowly lifted his head and grabbed Justin�s hands. Tears began to form in Justin�s eyes as he whispered his final plea for understanding, �I love you.�

�I love you too, Justin. I always have, never doubt that. What happened was stupid, I never should have made that mistake, but I was drunk.� JC pulled his hand through his hair. �Shit, Just, we were both drunk.�

�But Trace is straight. Straight men just don�t go sleep with guys for the hell of it.�

�Please...baby, just give me a second chance.�

�I don�t know, Josh. I just�..,� He was so tired of fighting. So tired of battling his anger, and holding off all the demons that raged inside of his head and his heart. A weary sigh escaped his lips. He needed to get away, but he also needed some type of settlement to be formed between them. �Alright, meet me at my house in thirty minutes and we�ll go from there.� And with that Justin left Josh at the table to consider his proposition.

The drive back to Justin�s house only took five minutes, so that allowed him a reasonable amount of time to compose himself before JC showed up. It had felt strange to walk out of the restaurant like that, and just leave him sitting there all alone. But he had needed to do it, and he needed the time to sort out his feelings, and make the decision of where they stood.

The moment the news had reached him a few days before, a deep painful ache had settled itself in the bottom of his anxious stomach. The feeling had become a physical part of him. Even if he was able to divert his mind from the horrid topic, the ache refused to die. It was always there, waiting patiently, for the open opportunity to remind him of his boyfriend�s sins.

A decision had to be made. That was the only part of this whole situation that was fairly clear. Justin couldn�t go on living much longer with this weighted memory hanging over his head. And it wasn�t fair to Josh either. Not fair to leave him waiting forever, wondering if there�s a chance for him to be forgiven or not.

Justin was sitting on the edge of the couch, his elbows on his knees, and his chin resting on his fists, when the doorbell sounded, loud and clear, for the third time that day. He got to his feet, and walked to the door grudgingly. He pulled it open to see the expected face graced with a very nervous expression. Justin greeted him with a sad, lost smile while praying for the courage to enforce the conclusion that his jumbled mind was leaning toward. For whatever reason, the smile was somewhat confusing to JC, and he was unable to read into any thoughts that Justin might be having. Finally, the younger man was forced to speak. �Hey, come on in.� He stepped back, and held the door open for his friend to pass through. He pushed the door back shut with a swift movement of his foot, turned away without another word, and tread gracefully back to the living room and his couch.

JC took the initiative to just follow his unusually quiet boyfriend. For some reason, stepping into that familiar, and often homey den, was now like entering a courtroom. He had committed a serious crime. Not against the law, but against his lover. He had waited for several days while Justin had gathered all the information and collected his thoughts. And finally, the moment of truth had come. He stood a few feet in front of the couch that Justin was sitting on, and waited rather anxiously for the judge�s verdict to be read to him.

For a long time, the younger man said nothing. He knew what he wanted to say; what he needed to say. Now, all that was left to do was say it. But that could often be the most complicated part. Wording was everything in a statement such as this. It needed to come out right, for both of their sakes. So for awhile, the only sound was Justin�s cracking knuckles, and JC�s heavy breathing. Then something finally worked itself out of his throat. �Josh�., I love you so much.� He looked up to those blue eyes to make sure that all of their attention was focused on his words. �You know that, right?�

A simple, cautious nod was all that came from the man who had been so much more eager to speak earlier in the evening.

�And I�,I�ve just been trying so hard to do the right thing. I kept thinking about how to make it better. You know, something just went wrong. Really really wrong. Usually, no matter what it was or who did it�..well, someone has to do something to fix it. So, I�ve been trying to figure out how to do that.�

For some reason, the words were like daggers going into JC�s soul. As if it wasn�t bad enough that he had to live with the fact that he had been stupid enough to get drunk and cheat on someone that he loved this much. As if it wasn�t bad enough that he had to deal with Justin being so angry with him over the last few days or that he hadn�t even been able to look at him without this huge disappointment in his crystal, blue eyes. No, apparently none of that was bad enough. Now, he was being forced to realize that in some small insignificant way the poor boy had put all of this burden on his on shoulders. He had felt the pressure to make this work, when it really should have been JC feeling that suffocating weight. He began to wring his hands as Justin continued.

�In the beginning, Josh, I was just really angry. I felt betrayed. Not only by you, but by my best friend. It completely escaped me how two people who I care about so much, and who I thought cared about me, could go and do something like this.�

At that comment, JC was tempted to speak, but he forced himself to hold back. He needed to finish this.

�Then, after awhile, I was sad. Sad because maybe I wasn�t enough for you. Because maybe I wasn�t enough to help you that night when you needed it. And because I wasn�t enough, you had to turn to the alcohol harder than I�ve ever seen you do before. And that�s what made you lose it. But, Trace, I�m not sure about. Maybe he was just a little more desperate and a lot less straight than I thought.

"After all of that, there comes another feeling. The feeling that�s led me to this decision. Fear. Plain, raw fear mixed in with a little bit of pain. You say that you�re sorry. That you didn�t mean anything that you did to hurt me. But the truth is that you made a lot of bad decisions that night, Josh. Not just one, but a whole bundle of them. And that many decisions, that many wrongdoings, and that many betrayals against someone that you claim to love do not happen without some sort of thought process. Some type of compliance. God, I mean you spent ten years building up this trust that I have in you. Our friendship and every connection we have has existed for nearly a decade. And you somehow have the ability to go and shatter it all in one night. One night because you were too stubborn to listen to me when I asked you to stay. Okay, maybe if this relationship had started only a month ago, or maybe if I had only known you for a year, but�.You had everything. Josh, you had it all. All that I ever thought that I was capable of giving to another person. I trusted you. I loved you. And knowing that you were able to throw it all away once�.Well, that�s enough for me to know. That�s a very clear indication in my mind that I just can�t trust you. As much as I want to, as much as I love you, I just can�t do this. I�m afraid of you. I�m afraid of what you make me feel. I�ve never felt for anyone as strongly as I feel for you. And I can�t go through that again. I can�t just wait for the day where you decide that I�m not what you need. That I�m not enough for you all the time. So, it�s over. Regardless of how you feel or what you want to say, that�s my final feelings on the topic. And as my last request in this relationship, I would appreciate it if you didn�t argue and would just try and accept this as it is. Don�t make this harder, Josh. Please.� The whole speech had come out in one hurried clump, and as soon as the final word left his mouth, his head went down into his hands. He refused to even look back up at the man standing in front of him. The man who had been absolutely everything to him these past few years. He had to let go. He was completely sure of that. And looking at JC wasn�t going to help him.

The tears were flowing freely and silently down JC�s smooth cheeks. He had never felt more horrible or more alone in his life. He wanted to fight. He wanted desperately to kick and scream like a child, shrieking at Justin that he was wrong. The problem was that Justin had every right to feel the way he did, and to say it. There was no reason for Justin to forgive him. He had destroyed the vulnerable trust that this young man had built up over so many years, and nothing he could say now could ever bring back what he had so willingly torn down. He lifted his eyes up from the floor to look at the curly head that was bowed due to his miserable, slumped form. JC spent several moments just staring, and trying to memorize every part of his lover that he could see. Somehow, he knew that this was the last time he would ever see him in this form. Starting tomorrow and for the rest of their lives, he would be forever changed. Inside and out. JC wanted to say something. Something meaningful to close this off, but when he opened his mouth his words were short and emotional. �I�m sorry.� His whisper hung in the air, and Justin gave no sign of hearing it, but it didn�t matter either way. The older man turned on his heel, and walked to the back door where he had entered only twenty minutes before. Without a glance back, he exited the large home, permanently closing the door on a part of his life that had once been everything to him.

fin