**Note: This might be a little confusing to understand with the way it's formatted, but I'll try to explain. The story starts and ends in the present time with Justin's first person POV. Then there are three different time periods in between. They're flashbacks. The bulk of the story is flashbacks from different points in time. They're labeled 4 weeks, 3 weeks, and 2 weeks earlier. This means each one is 4, 3, or 2 weeks before the *present* time. So, it starts in the present time, then it goes to flashbacks, and each flashback is getting continually closer to the present time once again. In the 2 weeks earlier flashback, it keeps going back and forth between Justin and JC because they're in two different places, but that is all one time period.

(Present)

Right now, I still feel like I caused it. My heart tells me that it was my fault, and I could have prevented it. And at times, the guilt overwhelms me. I wish I had the ability to rewind about three years. Maybe if I could go back, I would be able to keep it all from unraveling. It seems like it was so long ago before all of this started. As if I would have to go back half a lifetime just to reach a time when it wasn�t like fighting a war every day. In some far off, dark corner of my mind, I know that I did what I could when it became necessary. But down in the smoldering pits of my soul, I can�t help but yearn to know how things would be right now if I had taken action a long time ago.

Maybe enough time hasn�t passed, and when I have enough time to heal, I�ll learn to accept all of it. But it was one of those life-changing experiences that leave a permanent imprint. Its mark will always shine through, and my faith may never return.

(4 weeks earlier)

It was 3:46 AM, and Justin was still wide-awake. It had been a hard day. Long hours were spent in the studio attempting to record, the choreography practice was draining, and then the fight with JC topped it all off. After a day like that, he should have been passed out with an incredible exhaustion. But something kept him alert. Fear. The undeniable fear pumping through his veins steadily kept sleep from taking over his worn body. It had been hours since their argument had cut off. Hours since JC had just stormed out, and he hadn�t come back yet. The paranoia of where he might be or what he might be doing was enough to keep the young man stressed. If something happened to JC, he would never be able to forgive himself. It would be his fault. All of his fault for bringing it up.

(3 weeks earlier)

Justin jumped up from the couch when the front door slammed shut at 2 AM. He hurried to the kitchen to see JC coming through the entryway, stumbling and swaying slightly with each step he took. Justin stood still in his spot, watching the older man.

He still had yet to notice that anyone else was in the room, but past experience should have told him that his boyfriend was still awake and not far off. He swervingly took a few steps, until his foot finally landed on the ground in an awkward position that didn�t allow him to maintain his balance. His body fell to the side, and slightly forward. He reached his hands out to grab on to the counter. It prevented him from falling quite so hard, but his chin still managed to cuff a sharp corner before he landed on the cold kitchen floor.

Justin looked on with mild surprise, and the desire to cry from the patheticness of the situation. After several moments of listening to the quiet groans, he went to his side, leaning his back against the counter lightly. He only glanced at the man beside him every few seconds. JC�s knees were drawn up, his forehead resting on top of them, and his fingers were gently rubbing over his wounded face. For the longest time, neither man said anything. Justin was suffering from the illness of having a million thoughts at once, while JC was too out of it to really think of any intelligible comment. Finally, the younger of the two, felt the need to say something. �Are you okay?� It was such a pointless question. A common one that would normally suggest that you actually care. At the moment, Justin was too high on anger and frustration to be concerned with a hurt chin. For awhile, he assumed that there wasn�t going to be any response. Or maybe he had even fallen asleep right there in that uncomfortable position.

But after awhile, the resting head was lifted and settled back down on his fist. It seemed to be a struggle for him to assume the position, and finally he was able to face Justin, but had difficulty focusing on the dark blue eyes. �I�m fine. Thanks so much for your concern.� His words were laced with as much sarcasm as he could muster in his state. He knew that the question wasn�t meant sincerely. �Don�t worry. I didn�t drive.� His words paused as if he were searching for the lines that were in his head somewhere. �Joey brought me here. I ran into him when I was out.� The sentence came out slowly, and the information was rather surprising. Had Joey gone out looking for him, or had it just been a coincidence that he was there at the right time?

�Good.� Justin�s voice was flat, masking his relief that a sober person had gotten him home, and that for at least tonight, he was still all right.

(2 weeks earlier)

This was it. Something had happened, and whenever he got back, things would be different. They had to be. It had been the very biggest fight so far, and Justin wasn�t going to put up with all of his crap anymore. He had been clear and adamant in his words. Either JC get help, or it was over. He had been reluctant to pull out the threat, but it would work. In his heart, he was certain that he would be the chosen option. JC could never stand to be alone. He had been with Justin for far too long, and he wouldn�t sacrifice him for a destructive habit. He couldn�t give up his life like that. But of course the ultimatum angered the older man, and he took off, leaving the house, and he had been gone for nearly half of the day.

It had been daylight when he�d left, but it was now getting dark, and that added to the boy�s stress. He could be anywhere. He could be doing anything, although only one activity stood out exceptionally. �What if he tried to drive when he shouldn�t? Oh, he�s so upset right now. It�s never been this bad before.� His only comforting thought was that this had happened many times, and JC was always okay. He never got any better, and the situation would always repeat itself, but he always got home safely somehow. However, that didn�t stop the discomfort from settling in his stomach, holding tight. The fear drove him crazy, and this feeling once again made him angry with JC. He was the one that did this. This is what he made his life. This huge pit of fear that he was never quite strong enough to climb out of. But today, he had gained a lot more strength. Every angry and hateful word he�d said only hours ago came back to him, and he believed them once again.

JC stormed out of the club when the owner decided to shut down for the night after a huge drunken bar fight between two old guys. They were taking away his drinking. There wasn�t another place that would be open at such a late hour, and he wasn�t ready to go back to being sober. That would only make him face all of the bad things going on in his life. Justin was so angry, and it didn�t make any sense to him. He stumbled around in the spacious parking lot until he finally recognized his car all the way on the opposite end from where he was standing. The trip there took far longer than it probably should have, but he managed to reach the expensive vehicle without falling on his face. He was lucky that his car key was the only one on the key chain that he had with him. Otherwise, he could have been trying to figure that one out for quite a while. After several attempts to slide the metal into the hole, it clicked, turned, and allowed him access. As soon as the door was opened, he fell into the car, lying across the two front seats. He needed to think before he went home. His mind was a little cloudy, but he could still hear Justin�s words ringing loud and clear in his ears. He had been sober while hearing them, and that�s what mattered. The argument had been more to him than some stupid, kiddy fight where he was trying to prove some point. He had been angry with Justin at first. Angry that he was trying to take away something that was so important to him. What right did he have? It wasn�t his life, and he couldn�t possibly understand something so controlling. That was something JC had always felt. He had always known that Justin didn�t like the habit, and wanted to make him stop. But there was a revelation in this argument. He�d finally seen something else in those eyes, and heard something very different in the smooth voice. More than anger. More than frustration or even disgust. Today, fear and pain were shining through clearly in his words. It was something that he�d never considered. Maybe he was too lost in the addiction, or maybe he was really just an asshole. But he�d never known the pain that all of this caused his lover. He was always scared that something would happen to JC, and he couldn�t stand to lose him. In the end, it all screwed up the system. He drank to escape the problems with his boyfriend and with his life. In the process of trying to forget the little things that had gone wrong in his life, he�d only created these huge crises that hurt everyone around him. And at the end of the day, nothing ever went away like it was supposed to. Most of all, he�d caused irreversible damage to his relationship with Justin. The only person he�d ever really grown to love was in more pain than he should be. And all of it had been caused by reckless drinking. He�d done nothing wrong, and he didn�t deserve any of this. And it was rather surprising that Justin had put up with it for two years.

He kept his eyes fixed on the blank television screen as he lay in the bed. His fingers continuously played with the drawstring on the pajama pants, and he randomly hummed to himself in an attempt to keep his sanity intact and his eyes away from the clock that was mounted on the wall. Every so often, the second hand would tick too loud, and he could hear the rhythmic beat becoming harder in his ear. It only caused him to sing the desperate words in a stronger voice.

Hours passed, and nothing had changed. JC wasn�t home yet, no one had called, and the damn clock was still ticking at full strength. His throat was tight and sore from the singing and from the nervous lump that was wedged in his airway. All music died in his mouth, and a series of groans passed through his lips. �Where is he?!� In a few hours, the sun would be up whether JC returned or not.

It was time to go home. He sat up in the seat, wiped the remaining tears from his face, and started the car. He drove across the now empty parking lot, and pulled out onto the road. He was going with a new determination. He was ready to go home, and agree to do anything Justin wanted him to. Anything that would fix this. That�s all that mattered. At first, there weren�t many other cars on the road, but as he got closer to the city, there were more cars coming out. Every time he passed an oncoming car, the headlights were like flashers, temporarily blinding him for longer than they should have been. All the lights of the traffic ahead began to blend together, and he was dizzy. He tried to look to the side for a second to relieve the spinning in his head. In an instant his right tires slipped off of the pavement, and onto the ground under the road. His heart clenched slightly with shock. Without thinking, he jerked the wheel to the other side quickly. It was a little too hard though, and his reflexes weren�t quick enough to regain control. He smashed into an oncoming car. The last thing he heard was a madly honking horn, screeching tires, and then silence.

The ringing of the phone startled Justin. He jumped a little at the first sound in the room since he�d stopped singing and thrown the clock across the room. He grabbed the receiver as soon as he was able to comprehend what the sound meant. He was barely able to choke out a �hello�, but the man on the other end didn�t seem to notice it. He only had one piece of information to deliver after verifying that Joshua Chasez did indeed live there.

When he put down the phone, a strange feeling came over him. It wasn�t sadness or anger. He was numb. There was some silent understanding. For years, JC had been digging his own grave with all of this drinking. Justin had been aware that this day was coming. He had waited for it patiently. The day when JC didn�t come home, and the day when he finally knew for certain that he never would again.

(Present)

It was his decision. He made his life like this, and it is mostly his own fault that he is no longer here with me. I�d like to blame it all on him because it does anger me that much, but I can�t. I feel like if I hadn�t have been here, in his life, he would have had a very different destiny. A future. But I won�t feel guilt over this. There�s nothing that I could change or control. I�d just like to see what things might have been like. It�s too late though. I guess I�ll never know.

fin