The cold wind licked at his face, blowing his clothing, and causing it to cling to his body persistently. His hands had turned numb from the damp breeze, and were shoved deeply in the pockets of his heavy black coat. His black dress pants were made of thin material that allowed heat to escape, and he found himself suddenly wishing that he had dressed warmer. But how could you be prepared for such cold weather in southern Florida? Dark, dreary clouds masked the entire sky, and a very light drizzle was beginning to fall. The weather seemed to be matching the mood of the sorrowful young man, and for that small favor, he was relieved. He wasn�t sure that he could bear seeing the sun shining brightly today. She was gone, and the angels were mourning her death. But she was with them now. Maybe the heavens were grateful of her arrival, and were giving him this small favor by making the skies agree with his loss. He�d been through enough in the past few months. It was the least they could do after his hell on earth.

His cold blue eyes were transfixed on the beautiful, dark mahogany coffin that was being carried by her two older brothers, her father, and a few cousins. Each man�s face was set in a hard expression, eyes forward, and lips tight, eyebrows slightly lowered. They brought the casket to rest on the small stand.

Beside the stand was a large photograph resting in a golden, rectangular frame. The glossy photo depicted the image of a young girl with dark, straight hair, a delicate looking face, beautiful skin, and striking, bright green eyes. The edges of her mouth were curved up slightly, causing her lips to create a gentle smile. As always, her bright eyes shone with her hopes, her dreams, and her love for him. The one thing about her that always gave away her true feelings. Her eyes had always told him of her excitement, her desires, her pain, and the things that she was just too afraid to tell him. They always let him know what she was feeling. Sometimes even before she knew. Those eyes would never shine again. They would never whisper to him the true secrets of her soul. They were dead. He could no longer depend on them. He wasn�t sure who he would depend on now. It was so hard to find a person who you can trust with anything that might be happening in your life. Someone who will always be there for you and with you. She had been the one, and now he was alone and cold.

He�d always considered himself to be a strong person. Like he could handle anything in life that was thrown into his path. But the day she died, he had fallen apart. He�d remained isolated in his home, and refused to speak to anyone. They say death is supposed to be easier to handle when it�s a long time coming. But something had occurred to him. They lie. He had stayed in his room for three days straight. Not eating, not drinking, and not even really sleeping. At least, it wasn�t willful sleep. He hadn�t been able to attend the wake for the sole reason that he wasn�t able to get out of bed. He spent that time alone, with his thoughts and his memories. He would lie in bed, and just try to remember every little thing she had ever said to him, and every thing they had ever done together. And when he simply couldn�t remember, he would just cry because it felt like her spirit was slipping away from him completely. The tears always fell in silent, steady streams, accompanied by an occasional sob. He was broken. His world was falling apart, and he was finding trouble with going on. With living. His mother was forced to come over at that point. She made sure he ate, drank, and slept, and the next day he had worked up the physical and emotional strength to attend the funeral.

The ceremony was held at St. Luke�s where her parents attended church on Sundays. The entire process was being done a little differently than normal. Most of the time, the priest would speak in the church, and friends and family members would be able to speak if they so wished. After that, the congregation would be brought outside only for the burial part. However, she had requested before she died that everything be done outside. That�s what she had wanted, and that�s what she got. �I hate being cooped up in a church for an hour on a sunny afternoon. Being at church is about celebrating life, anyway. Thanking God for the beautiful world that we live in. I want the funeral to be outside. C-can you do that for me, Justin?� Her wish was granted, although the weather didn�t seem to be cooperating with her idea of what the day would be like.

Justin got the feeling that not many of those in attendance were noticing the stormy weather anyway. There was nothing quite like a premature death to cloud over people�s perception of what�s really going on. Justin knew that every last one of these people was a friend or family member. Someone who cared about her, and was now in pain from their loss. But instead of that idea being comforting to him, it only caused emotions of anger to boil in his consciousness. No one here had known her like he had. None of them had loved her with every last piece of their heart. Lived only to see her sparkling eyes and hear her contagious giggle. Or been there for her anytime they were needed for as long as he could remember. None of these people had dedicated the last six years of their lives to this woman, and stood by her every single day of her illness. Only him, and no one else, had stood at that altar and said those precious vows with every ounce of love that he had inside of himself. No one else had been inside that room with the two of them the day that the twins had been born. His precious daughters were all he had left of her, and they would never even remember a day when their mother had been there with them. No one here understood. They didn�t know his pain, and they never would. If only he could divide some of the hurt into tiny pieces and put a little of it into each one of them. Maybe then he could begin to handle himself. Maybe it wouldn�t feel like his heart was physically ripping into small shreds. Or possibly the feeling that his throat would explode from the constant lump that overtook it, would diminish. Maybe his sore, tired eyes would stop pouring forth the tears. And just maybe, he might not feel like he was dying himself.

He glanced over at her mother who was about four seats down from him. She wasn�t crying like would have been expected. Her eyes were dry, there was no redness to them, and there were no tearstains on her cheeks. Her gaze seemed to be fixed on the ground that was just in front of the coffin. She was leaning forward slightly in her chair, her back not touching the wood of her seat. Her hands were clenched tightly in her lap, holding a seemingly unnecessary handkerchief. Her father, who was now sitting down beside her mother, appeared less composed than he had before. His eyes were also downcast, his hands were in his lap, and he would continually rub at his eyes and clear his throat. Her older brothers were the worst though. Justin could tell that they were hurting a lot, and trying desperately not to show it to the group of people around them. A young man loses a certain amount of dignity when someone sees them cry. Justin felt much the same way, but people would be more understanding of his emotions at the loss of his precious wife. The oldest brother was leaning forward in his chair. His elbows were on his knees, and his head was gently resting in his open hands, covering his face. The slightly younger boy sat up completely straight in his seat, as if there was something that he was trying to pay great attention to. He was staring straight at the coffin. And every few minutes or so, as if the sight were too much to bear, he would look away from it, notice all the people around him, take a deep breath, and go back to his unwavering stare.

All the guys were there, even though they weren�t really a group anymore. They were still his friends, his brothers, and wanted to show their support of him in anyway that they possibly could. He was glad that they were here. Glad that they still wanted to be there with him even though he had tried to push them away with all his might when she had gotten so sick. After all, it had been his decision to get married. And his decision to put the group on hold for a few years. Now it was very uncertain to all of them if they would ever be a group again. But all that really didn�t matter. Now Justin knew that they would be there no matter what.

His parents were sitting on either side of him. Momma and Dad to the right. Lisa and Daddy to the left. Lynn and Paul each had a twin in their lap. The 11-month old girls were sitting contentedly with their grandparents, playing with small toys to keep them entertained. Justin quietly stared at his little girls with sadness in his eyes. �If only they knew what�s going on. Their mother is about to be put in the ground.� He didn�t know how he was going to take care of those two without her. That was the thing that scared him the most about his future now. He was going to be a single father with two daughters. There was no doubt that he could easily support them, but what about the other things that girls needed? What would happen when they grew up, and needed a mother figure? But he knew that his mom would always be there for them. He prayed that would be enough. His family had been great about helping take care of the girls in the past few months, and especially in the days that had just passed after her death. It had been bad, and he was grateful for the help.

Lisa was holding Stephen in her lap. He seemed a little upset by the large crowd of people, and he was confused about what was going on. Jonathan sat in between Randy and Lisa. The people didn�t phase him in the slightest, but he kept questioning his father about why everyone looked so sad, and why Justin didn�t want to play with him. The concept of death had recently been explained to the boys, and the picture still wasn�t completely clear to them. But it was better that they didn�t understand. It left some of their innocence intact.

The priest�s part was coming to an end. There were only a few things left for him to do. Nervousness was pouring over Justin in waves, and he kept wringing his hands together until all the blood rushed out of them. Moisture was gathering on his forehead, and his heart was pounding in a hard, fast rhythm. He was going to go up there. He was the one giving the eulogy. He had always figured he would be the one to do it, ever since she had gotten so sick. But now it didn�t seem like such a great idea anymore. The pressure of doing her spirit justice was just a little too great. But he was the best choice to do it. Of that he was sure. His words would mean the most. Not only to all of these people, but to her as well. The priest finished speaking to the crowd, then moved his gaze to focus on Justin, and stepped away from the podium.

He sat still for a moment, in quiet thought. Then, almost grudgingly, he got to his feet, and slowly made his way to the very front of the large group of people. He stood behind the small podium, his hands gripping the sides tightly. For several seconds, he stared at the small microphone in front of him that would cause his voice to come out of the large speakers, carrying his words to anxious ears. He looked up to see a hundred people staring at him with sad yet hopeful eyes. �Oh, God.� He briefly considered running, but figured that would be disrespectful. With no other choice, he took a deep breath, cleared his throat, and proceeded to bring all of his thoughts of her to the surface of his mind. �I wish I could have prepared this speech. Written it all down. You know, just to make sure that you all got to hear a wonderful eulogy. One that does her justice. But I didn�t. I couldn�t. These past few days, I�ve been in the absolute most horrible place that a human being can ever be in, and that just kept me from doing this. So, I pray that what you hear from me today is enough, and that it serves its purpose.� The looks were almost unbearable. Everyone was looking at him like he was this lost little puppy. All alone and scared. �I don�t remember the day I met Maddie. We�re only six months apart, so I was too young to remember seeing her for the first time. My parents brought me with them to her house after she had been brought home from the hospital. And, in a way, that was when our life together first began.

�My earliest memory was probably at the age of about four. Madeleine had managed to convince me that hopscotch was not a �girly� game. So, I played. She had very good skills of persuasion. I ended up doing a lot of things like that when I was young. Jump rope, barbies, dress up, and all those tea parties. Well, I admit it; there was a time when I did enjoy playing dress up. I guess little kids like to experiment with stuff like that. Just trying to see what�s so great about being a girl. But I did get her back eventually. Once we hit the age of eight, she wasn�t interested in that anymore. I had her on the basketball court and the baseball field. And that�s when we really had fun. She was better than most of the guys. Eventually, none of them would play with us anymore because they couldn�t take being beaten by a girl. Those were the good years. No stresses on your life. All you do is enjoy being alive, having no worries, and playing with your friends. That was when I had all the time in the world to hang out with my best friend. And I�m glad I took advantage of that opportunity all those years ago.

�When I was eleven, I started working on a television show. I had to move to Orlando. It was sad having to leave Tennessee, and leaving her. I felt like I had to make this huge, grownup decision. Should I further my entertainment career, or should I stay home and be a kid? And eight months later, her family moved down to join my mom and I. So we were together again, but everything just got more complicated. The show ended after two years, but the band started just a year later. In the beginning, we had to work hard. When you�re trying to get a record deal, a lot of energy has to go into the music and the performance. I barely had time for school and the music. So, friends and family kind of got put on the back burner. Before I knew it, we were signed, and we went off to Europe. We stayed there for about two years, coming home for sporadic visits. I talked to Maddie on the phone every night, but it wasn�t the same. We were just entering our teenage years. Everything was changing at that time, and I was thousands of miles away. There were a lot of lonely nights, and I felt like I was missing so much of her life while I was gone. Even just two years ago, I hated leaving her alone when I would only be gone for a month or a couple of weeks.

�I always felt so undeserving of her. Not only as a husband, but also as a friend. I missed so much. There were so many times that I simply couldn�t be there for her. And that was because of my choices. We dated for three and a half years before we got married. I kept waiting for her to end it. For her to say that she couldn�t deal with all of it. Couldn�t deal with me always being on the road, or with the long recording or practice sessions, or with the late hours, or with all the media focused on me and with all the crap she got because of it. The focus on the marriage was pretty extreme. It was in all the magazines. Newspapers, internet���.everyone was talking about it. I didn�t think that it could ever be any crazier. But it could. When the news got out that she was pregnant, I thought everyone had just gone mad. I mean, I was excited too, but I don�t understand why it should bring total strangers so much joy. And then, it was twins. The girls were born with practically the whole world watching. She couldn�t go anywhere without a bodyguard, especially after she became pregnant. The twins are constantly at risk. At home and away from it. I worry about them everyday. Their lives right now and their futures. It�s never going to be simple for those two just because of who their father is. But at least I don�t have to worry about Maddie�s safety anymore.

�No one else would have put up with all of it for such a long time. She truly was an extraordinary woman, and I was blessed that she was the one sent to me. I always felt like I was taking something away from her. Like her life could be so much better than the one that she was offered as long as she stayed with me. But then she might be a completely different person. Not the girl that I knew.

�I wish I could take it back sometimes. Growing up, our parents kept telling us that we spent way too much time together. Our mothers kept saying that we needed to break out of our little bubble and find new people to hang out with because it wasn�t healthy to depend on one single person for absolutely everything in your life. Neither of us ever understood that. In a lot of ways, it�s a good thing to have a person like that. But there are definite bad qualities too. When something goes wrong. When you can�t be there with that person for a long period of time, when you�re not on speaking terms because of a fight, or when you lose them for some reason, it hurts. It just hurts. You feel incomplete. Like someone just reached out and ripped off an arm and a leg. You�re not capable of full operation of yourself. Physically or emotionally. A part of you dies with them. The more important they were to you, the more of you that dies. And you�ll never be the same again. You could live for a hundred years more, and you�ll never fully find yourself again. You�ve lost your main reason to live. Here, I find myself in that particular position. So, I turn to my second reason to live. Madeleine�s daughters. My daughters. The only piece of her that I have left here. So, I�ll stay with them. As much as I want to leave, as much as I want to join her where she is, I�ll stay for those girls. That�s the biggest decision that I�ve made in these past four days.� A short silence fell, and the next words were whispered at a volume that the crowd wasn�t able to hear. �I pray to be able to keep that promise.�

�Maddie would have been a great mother. She loved to spend time with them. Watch them grow. Having children of your own is a wonderful feeling. She told me that it felt great because after all of the bad stuff that she knows we�ve put into the world, we�re finally bringing in something good. Two wonderful, little girls. Who, hopefully, can make this world a better place. And grow up to be intelligent, beautiful, loving young women, just like their mother.� A nervous laugh escaped him, and he realized that he couldn�t go on with it any longer because tears were starting to fill his eyes again. In reaction, it felt like his throat was beginning to close off.

�Well, I think I�ve bored you long enough. But thank you all for being here. Thank you for caring.� He walked out from behind the podium, and slowly made his way to his seat. There wasn�t a single dry eye in the entire congregation. And even the priest seemed to be rather teary eyed as he reclaimed his position that Justin had just left. If just hearing his story could affect everyone so much, it was imaginable what living and feeling it must be like.

By the time he returned to his large, quiet home, it was pretty far into the night. The girls were sleeping soundly in their carriers. Justin had come home alone, refusing offers from his friends and his mother that they accompany him and help with the twins. After hearing that wrenching speech, everyone felt even sorrier for him than they had before. And it was a natural assumption that he might be in a pretty bad place after seeing his wife being put into the ground so she could rest eternally. He didn�t want their comfort or their pity. He would have to learn how to make it on his own, without their assistance.

He made his way up the staircase, a baby carrier in each hand. He tried his best to go slowly and gently, so as not to wake the sleeping infants. He was thankful when his journey finally brought him to the top of the stairs. Quickly and smoothly, he made his way down the hall to the baby room. The door was already ajar, and he nudged it the rest of the way open with his foot, and walked inside. The carriers were set on the floor between the two big cribs. The spacious room was decorated in yellow and soft blue. A rabbit mobile hung over each of the cribs. A large white dresser stood on one side of the room. A tall bookshelf and toy basket was placed on the opposite wall.

Justin carefully lifted each girl, and put her in a crib. Then he reached over and pulled a blue and white checkered blanket over each of their little bodies. He simply stood there for several moments, between those two beds. He stared down into one tiny sleeping face, and then turned, and looked at the other. They were both so perfect. So innocent. Neither knew anything about the world or the people who were in it. They didn�t understand anything that had happened today or in the last eight months. Totally and completely clueless. And he wished with everything inside of him that they could stay that way forever. He reached down to one of the children, and caressed the side of her face. He ran his finger over her cheek, down her nose, and across her lips. In her slumber, she pressed herself into his touch slightly and closed her eyes tighter. A gentle smile graced his handsome face for an instant, and then it left. He leaned down to kiss the infant�s forehead, turned, and did the same to the other. He began to walk away from them. Justin picked the huge diaper bag up off of the floor, and placed it on top of the dresser by the door. He paused in the doorway, to glance back into the silent room. �I love you both so much.� The quiet whisper was forced from his sore throat, and tears fell onto his cheeks as he left the room.

He made a quick dash for his bedroom, and fell onto his bed with a quiet thud. He lay on his back with his blue eyes closed, not bothering to wipe the tears from his face. They opened suddenly, and his reached his right hand out to grab something off the nightstand beside the bed. He sat upright with the framed photograph clutched in both hands now. The hands were resting in his lap, and he looked down into smiling green eyes. �Maddie�..� He didn�t even notice that the whisper had escaped his lips. His fingertips reached out to touch her. They touched her face, and a frown became his expression when all he felt was cool glass. Her smiling face seemed so alive, but she was gone. She had left him forever, and there was nothing he could do to get her back this time. His mind began to wander, remembering the day that this particular moment had been captured.

It was the first day that they were starting to move into their house. They had both been so excited because it felt like a great new adventure to finally be moving into a home together. Finally making their own life, with each other. There were tons of boxes stacked in nearly every room of the two-story mansion. The initial plan had been to get most of the small things unpacked on the first day, and take care of all the furniture when some of the guys came to help them the next day. Needless to say, both were sidetracked. They ended up unpacking their bathing suits to go swimming in the gigantic pool that was found in the back yard. The rest of the day was spent just goofing off, and next to no work got done. That night, there was no bed to sleep on. Blankets were laid down on the floor in the very empty living room, and they made love for hours in front of a hot, blazing fire.

That day seemed like a century ago. It felt like it had been forever since he�d held her in his arms for an entire night. To him, it had been almost an eternity since he had seen her smile at him like this image behind the glass was right now. Too long ago. Overcome with grief, he stood from the bed, and walked to his desk across the room. He sat in the hard chair, and began scribbling words furiously on a thin sheet of paper. After several minutes, he finished. He stared down at the lines, reading and rereading them. Finally, he let out a groan, and tore the paper into tiny pieces, and carelessly let them fall to the floor. Without a second thought to his failed attempt, he grabbed the phone on the desk. He quickly dialed a familiar number, and lifted the receiver to his ear. He listened to three drawn out rings before the person on the other end finally picked up.

�Hello?� The voice was sleepy, and slightly irritated at receiving a phone call at such a late hour.

�Josh?� Nothing more came out. Justin had been planning to say something more than the other man�s name, but his mouth didn�t allow him to.

All irritation fled from the other man�s voice as he realized who was on the line. �Justin, hey, are you ok? Do you want me to come over?�

He thought quickly. Was this what he wanted? Did he really want Josh to come over? He did. Somebody had to. �Yes, please. Please.�

�I�ll be there as soon as I can, Just.� The phone was hung up, and Justin set the receiver back down. Josh was on his way. He lived all the way across town. It would take him awhile.

He stood quickly, almost knocking his chair over in the process. He briskly walked across the room, grabbing Madeleine�s picture off his bed before he went through the door, into the hallway. He practically flew to the top of the staircase, and made sure not to look towards the room where the twin babies were sleeping soundly. The stairs were easily taken two at a time by his long legs. When he reached the first level of the home, he walked to the large shelf in the living room that was situated just above the fireplace. The strong wooden boards held the stereo. Justin quickly picked out Maddie�s favorite CD, and put it in the player, adjusting the volume to a moderate level.

He turned to face the other direction; the photo still gripped in his right hand. He only hesitated slightly before walking into the large open kitchen. He made his way to the electric stove, and opened a drawer that was just under it. He pulled a shiny object from the compartment, and sprinted out of the kitchen, through the living room, and into the small bathroom that was not far from the speakers emitting the soft, even tones of the CD. Once inside, he turned his back to the mirror over the sink. He refused to look at his own reflection. Instead, he lifted his right hand to once again stare at the photo of his deceased wife.

She was gone. His friend��.his lover��.his wife��.his stability��.his love��.his heart. She was his everything. Literally, a part of his body and his spirit. Without her, he could never be anything. The pain was unbearable, and the thought of living the rest of his life without her was even worse.

He set the picture down close to his side. He took the knife into his right hand. Holding the sharp object in a tight grip, he ran the blade horizontally across his left wrist. There was no hesitation in the action, and there was no pain. He turned the knife over to his other hand, and quickly slit his other wrist. Justin began to feel slightly dizzy. He bent his knees, and allowed his body to slink to the floor until he was resting on his backside. He reached down to grab the photo in his left hand. Then, without a second thought, he brought the knife up to drive it firmly into his stomach, just under his ribcage. He barely had the strength left to pull it back out. With no support left, the knife fell from his hand, and his upper body fell down backwards. Mere seconds later, everything was black.

JC finally reached Justin�s home an hour later. He knocked on the door a few times, but there was no answer. He didn�t want to bang any longer or ring the doorbell for fear of waking the girls. He pulled Justin�s house key from his pocket, and opened the door. He stepped in cautiously to see that the house was relatively dark, but a CD was on. A sick feeling settled in the pit of his stomach when he noticed that the light was on in the downstairs bathroom that Justin never used. It felt like lead was weighing down his feet as he grudgingly walked to the door on the other side of the living room. He said a silent prayer, before turning the knob and pushing the door open. The sight that lay before him caused his blood to run cold, his eyes to widen, his heart to clench, and his knees to literally give out under the weight of his own body. It was definitely something he�d never expected to see in his life. Something he�d hoped, and only seconds before, prayed not to see. His best friend was lying on the bathroom floor. His body was completely drained of life, and resting in a dark red pool of his own blood. A picture of his precious wife was laying only inches from his open hand. Cold, dead eyes stared up at the ceiling. And wet trails across those soft cheeks showed the misunderstood pain that could never be erased.

fin