- "Fire Alarm: Sounds like 'Whoop' Looks like 'Strobe light'" - On an Emergency Evacuation Route sign in Canada
- "Everything you wanted to do with data, but were afraid to ask." - My Statistics teacher in High School
- "It is time, time...Now. Yes. She is so small and compact and yet she has all the necessary features...Shall I compare thee to a Sony Walkman, thouart more compact and more - She is his own Toshiba, his dinky little JVC, his sweet Aiwa...Aiwa, aiwa, aiwa, aiwa, aiwa, aiwa, aiwa, aiwa, aiwa, aiwa, aiwaaaaaahhhhh." - Sean Thomas "Kissing England" (Nomminated in Britan's Bad Sex in Fiction)
- "Being undead sucks." - Me
- "It looks like my car is having a baby!" - Me, when my muffler broke
- "I have a method to my madness, as crazy as that sounds." - Dave
- "I have a method to my madness...lather, rinse, repeat." - Sean
- "You found the line Dave...you found it and you're straddling it with joy." - Sean
- "If God didn't want us to eat animals, why did he make them out of meat?" - Dean
- "If you don't follow Judaism, God will...flood your basement!" - Dave
- "I'll leave the room so you guys can goop and drool on each other." - Mike
- "My brother has all the tact of a rhinoserus passing gas." - Dave
- "I think 50% of senility is just old people's excuse to do really awesome things." - Andrew
- "no. he eats people because they taste good." - My brother, explaining Hannible Lecter to me
- "My transfer rate is getting me off more then this stuff." - Me, on a night when hard core porn and 4mb/s downloads ran rampent.
- "i just think that if ya wanna tell people about the joys of sucking cock, you can cram it in the other class and not grade people on the exact definition of a rimjob" - Andrew, when explaining the difference between American Sex-Ed and British Sex-Ed
Murphy Quotes
A Brief History: Mr. Peter Murphy was my creative writing teacher in high school. He is a brilliant man and it was one of the best classes I've ever taken in my life. The funniest things would come out of this man's mouth...here are a few that I thought were just absolutely wonderful.
- "Everything up till now has been foreplay. Sorry. Hope you got excited. I didn't say that."
- Student: "Oh God..." "No, Murphy"
- "John, you're corny because you're a stalker."
- "She's public in a pregnant park. (laughter) Well, it usually is pregnant...all the things the animals do there..."
- "You revise the baby."
- "When I was five I had my first cup of coffee. It changed my life, really."
- "My [older] brother told me that id I pushed my belly button I'd do number two. When it didn't work he said 'It's broken...you're gonna die.' "
- "I love you like a fly loves shit."
- "It's been a long time since I loved a sheep...since I watched the movie." (re: Everything You Wanted To Know About Sex But Were Afraid To Ask: the movie)
- Read this first. "Eweman! Baaah-d!"
- "I think because I'm confused."
- "The agnostic-dyslexic insomniac law awake at night wondering if there is a dog."
- "The world's shortest novel: For sale. Baby shoes. Never used."
- "A hard man is good to find."
- "When I was growing up you couldn't miss [going to church] because you would go to hell."
- "The execution channel, straight from Texas."
- "What do you want to be when you grow up? I want to be stoned!"
- "Dying isn't what is use to be."
- Student: (When talking about prose pairs)"No and Sex" "That's too much like life."
- Student: "What if there's a firedrill during our presentation?" "If there is some act of God or arson, then we will do it when we come back. If you have it planned,it will hurt your grade."