emotionalabuse

Emotional Abuse Checklist

Ginny NiCarthy, author of the book "Getting Free"

Over the years, many victims have filled out this checklist and been astounded what it reveals. The pattern that emerges is exactly the same as the brainwashing that was deliberately inflicted on prisoners during World War II.

Answer each question as "often," "sometimes," or "never."

Are You Isolated?

Part A.

1. Does your partner ridicule or insult people you like?

2. Is your partner jealous of your friends, family and even pets?

3. Does your partner intercept your mail or telephone calls?

4. Does your partner become angry or upset, dampening your enthusiasm, just before, or during a social event you've looked forward to?

Part B.

1. Do you discourage people from telephoning you at home because your partner resents sharing your time?

2. Do you have fewer contacts and activities with friends and family than before you began the relationship?

3. Do you feel uneasy about being with your partner and your friends at the same time?

4. Do you feel nervous or frightened of what your partner will say or do if you are even a few minutes late from work, shopping, or visiting others?

If you have many affirmative answers to the questions on emotional abuse above, you're in danger of becoming so isolated from the support and perspective of other people that you eventually won't be able to evaluate what's being done to you, or to recognize a dangerous situation or person. If you had many "Yes" answers to "Part B," it might be that you've adapted so well to the isolation your partner has imposed that you've started isolating yourself.

Part 2 - Is Your Attention Monopolized By The Abusive Person?

1. Do you feel your clothing, opinions and decisions must have your partner's approval?

2. Do you feel overpowered by your partner's presence whether or not he or she is with you?

3. Do you speak carefully, or avoid speaking, so you won't risk upsetting your partner?

4. Do you time your activities to avoid their being noticed by your partner?

5. Do you often feel you're "walking on egg shells"?

If you checked many answers in this group, you're focusing so much of your attention on your partner's opinions and reactions that you'll soon lose sight of your own rights and feelings and desires. This monopolization of your attention by your partner, in combination with isolation from other people, may lead you in the direction of excessive dependency on your partner.

Part 3 - Does Your Partner Claim To Be All-Powerful?

1. Does your partner claim to be exceptionally bright or knowledgable, or to have extraordinary powers?

2. Does your partner claim to be more aware of the ways of the world than you are?

3. Does your partner claim to have friends and contacts who will report your activities when you are away from home?

4. Does your partner claim to know the "right" way to do things, and that you don't know what's "right"?

If you checked two or more of the items above, you may eventually be persuaded by your partner that he or she is omnipotent or at least greatly superior to you, and that you aren't competent to make your own decisions.

Part 4 - Does Your Partner Enforce Trivial Demands?

1. Does your partner insist that activities take place in precise ways or at precisely designated times?

2. Does your partner interrupt your work or other things that are important to you, to get her or his needs met?

3. Does your partner demand that you wear only approved clothing, jewelry, etc?

4. Does your partner insist you perform menial services, or inspect your work and make hyper-critical comments?

5. Does your partner demand detailed reports of hourly activities?

If your partner enforces trivial demands, you may feel either like a servant or an incompetent child. You'll focus on the narrow mechanical tasks expected of you, and give up making your own judgments about their value. (This category is not meant to imply that people who emotionally abuse don't also make outrageous demands. They often start with minor issues, which build up to greater ones, or the abuser may start with something so unacceptable that when he or she moves to something less dramatic, it may seem, by comparison, more managable. These demands may involve "loans" of money, never repaid, or use of a car that's mistreated or not returned in time for you to keep an important engagement, or a host of other items.)

Part 5 - Are You Exhausted, Debilitated Or Dependent?

1. Do you feel inadequate doing tasks you used to do easily and well?

2. Do you suffer from minor or major illnesses?

3. Do you have feelings of dread?

4. Do you feel you couldn't manage your life without your partner?

Checks after these questions indicate that the trivial demands of your partner are wearing you down. You may feel debilitated or dependent for reasons that aren't clear. Ask youself how you feel when you're not with your partner. If that hasn't happened in a long time, try to get away even for a few days to see how you feel when the pressure is off. You might have a great deal more energy. If these feelings persist for a long time see a counselor.

Part 6 - Do You Feel Humiliated or Degraded?

1. Does your partner force you to do things that are against your religious or moral values?

2. Does your partner ridicule the traits you admire or value most in yourself?

3. Does your partner tell you no one else would want you?

4. Has your partner talked you into doing something and then made you feel guilty or ashamed about it?

5. Does your partner keep you up late, asking about real or imagined sexual or romantic incidents? Does your partner force you to apologize for things you didn't do?

7. Does your partner insist you ask permission to spend money for household or personal items, whether the money is a community fund or your own income?

8. Does your partner call you names with sexual connotations such as "slut" or "whore"?

9. Does your partner flaunt relationships or flirt with others while in your presence?

The above questions ask about activities and demands that cause you to feel humiliated and degraded. It seems as if such experiences would motivate a person to end a relationship, but often that's not so. People who have experienced such things often stay involved because they're ashamed to face anyone else, and they hope that they can "fix" the relationship, which will make the humiliation seem to have been for a good cause. A course in assertiveness may help you say no to some of your partner's degrading demands. But if your partner is violent, make a plan for your safety before you try something new.

Part 7 - Does Your Partner Threaten You?

1. Does your partner threaten to make public the things you've done or that you've told in private moments?

2. Does your partner threaten to leave you or divorce you, whenever you have arguments?

3. Does your partner tell you that suicide or mental illness will result if you leave or withdraw your love or affection?

4. Does your alcoholic partner hint at the probability of drinking again, unless you do what is required and be certain not to upset him or her?

5. Does your partner threaten to "punish you or teach you a lesson" if you "misbehave"?

6. Does your partner threaten to take your car keys, money or checkbook, if you don't comply with demands?

7. Does your partner use bodily or facial expressions or noises to show extreme anger and loss of control, in order to frighten you?

8. Has being hit or beaten in the past made you fear it happening again, if you don't comply?

9. Does your partner keep guns, knives or other weapons close at hand?

Whether you're threatened with the loss of your partner, the responsibility of your partner's mental illness or suicide, or injury to yourself, the use of power makes it certain you can't have a relationship of mutual respect and love. If you checked questions 5 through 8, you may be in serious danger. One way to diminish those threats is to ignore them, but you do that at risk of being seriously injured. This may be the point at which you'll consider leaving your partner.

Part 8 - Does Your Partner Occasionally Indulge Your Wishes?

1. Just as you are thinking of separating or when you've been abused, or for no reason at all, does your partner pamper you with gifts?

2. Does your partner suddenly do something you have been requesting for a long time?

3. Does your partner become unexpectedly understanding about something that would ordinarily cause him or her to exhibit anger?

4. Does your partner impress you with exceptional sensitivity to your feelings and desires?

5. After your partner has "put you down" are you then indulged with affection or special care?

This category Occasional Indulgences is the one that "hooks you." These things may not happen very often, but there's always the hope that they are expressions of the real character of your partner, and that they'll surface on a regular basis.

Part 9- Does Your Partner Do Things That Make You Feel Crazy?

Part A.

1. Does your partner suggest you're "stupid" or "crazy" if you disagree with him or her?

2. Does your partner apologize and say the abuse is a sign of deep love and fear of losing your love?

3. Does your partner insist that the two of you are in a battle against a world full of enemies?

4. After abusing you, does your partner express so much sorrow, guilt or self-hate, that you become the one who comforts your partner?

5. Has your partner burdened you with shameful, embarrassing or criminal secrets, that only you know about?

6. Does your partner lie about insignificant things?

7. Does your partner make contradictory demands?

8. Does your partner contradict the positive things others say about you?

9. Does your partner say negative things about a trait you like about yourself, such as "wishy-washy," "intellectual," "stuffy," etc?

10. Does your partner do unrequested favors, then get angry or hurt when you don't do something in return?

Part B.

1. Do you distrust your feelings about yourself, your partner or others?

2. Do you feel ashamed of past deeds that once made you proud?

3. Are you afraid no one would like you if they knew the "the real you"?

4. Do you believe you're the only one who can save your partner from ruin, depression, alcoholism, insanity or suicide? - and yet, that you're the dependent one?

5. Does it just "happen" that when you are preparing for an upcoming test, job interview, evaluation, or an important event, you're distracted and worried by a crisis in your partner's life or work that seems more important?

6. Does your partner cause you to question your longtime friendships?

7. Are you confused about what is love and what is hate? Or right and wrong?

8. Does your partner bombard you with words, sometimes of many syllables, until you think he or must know what they're talking about, and you give in to their position?

Most of these questions indicate that the abuser is doing something to make the partner weak, but checks after "Part A" questions indicate your partner is engaging in "crazy-making" or "gaslighting" behavior, and after "Part B" show to what extent you're beginning to take responsibility for it. The latter is especially likely if you're kept away from other people and if the "crazy-maker" demonstrates other kinds of power. Becoming involved with other people will help to validate your sanity.

Part 10 - Is Your Partner Emotionally Distant Or Neglectful?

Does your partner:

1. Ignore you or grunt absentmindedly when you begin a conversation?

2. Groan, complain or ridicule you, when you cry, worry, or ask for emotional support?

3. Refuse to confide in you, when he or she is worried, hurt or scared?

4. Ignore your wish for sex, or refuse to do what excites or satisfies you?

5. Make light of your triumphs, discourage your plans, disparage your success?

6. Refuse to share her or his plans, or hopes for success?

7. Ignore your need for assistance when you're sick, tired or over-scheduled?

Have you:

1. Given up asking your partner for companionship?

2. Stopped asking for empathy or emotional support?

3. Given up asking when you're sick, tired or need your partner's help?

4. Stopped asking your partner about his or her plans, worries, or triumphs?

5. Developed a habit of avoiding sex, whenever possible, but enduring it as a tolerable routine, when it's unavoidable?

If many of these situations are prevalent in your relationship, your partner is psychologically unavailable to you, and neglecting you, which is a form of abuse. If most of your checks were in part "Part B," you may have been minimizing the neglect, since you've learned that it's all you can expect of your partner. You may not be able to get what you want from your partner, but you can diminish the pain of neglect by spending time with friends who pay attention to you and finding work that gives you satisfactions.

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