Dynamics

All those who work with persons who have survived a violent relationship agree that however the terms "domestic violence", "intimate partner abuse", or "battering" may be defined, violence has physical, psychological, economic and social consequences that can be incapacitating or utterly destructive. In addition to the physiological injuries readily visible (broken bones, bruises, etc.) that may result from domestic violence, less visible physical consequences may include chronic pain, insomnia, hearing or vision loss, joint damage and sexually transmitted diseases.

Long-term psychological impairments that are common to victims of abuse include depression, suicidal feelings, self-contempt and an inability to trust or to develop intimate relationships after escaping the battering relationship (Finklehor, 1983). Victims of severe and repeated episodes of traumatic violence often have "anger issues" in the aftermath of the violent relationship. These people have difficulty regulating their emotions. The consequences may be revealed in future relationships--including interpersonal relationships of a romantic or platonic nature and employment

relationships--any or all of which may be short and stormy (Herman 1992; Kluft 1990).

It is also believed that there may be a link between battering and arthritis, hypertension and heart disease (Carrao 1985, as sited at www.telalink.net/~police/abuse/index.html, Domestic Violence Division, Metro Nashville Police Department, information provided by Domestic Abuse Intervention Project). In addition, science is learning that violence may actually produce changes in the physiology of the brain (Commission on Women's Health 1996).

According to Pagelow (1984): "Victims of all types of family violence share a common experience of denigration of self that results in diminished self-esteem. The shame and feeling of worthlessness so often expressed by battered women is shared by maltreated children as well as maltreated elderly parents."

Abused women often have difficulty nurturing or caring for their children as well. "The stress of avoiding, experiencing and then (while in the relationship) recovering from physical abuse and suffering from ongoing psychological trauma affects the ability of a mother to be a good parent" (Crites and Coker 1988). Psychologist Lenore Walker's 1985 study revealed that mothers were approximately eight times more likely to abuse their children when they were being abused themselves. In almost 100% of the cases where the mother abused the children, the abuse ceased once the violent male/female adult relationship ended.

Women stay in abusive situations for many reasons. It is also common for the factors that keep a woman in an abusive relationship to be the same factors that prevent her from reporting the abuse. For example, a recent survey conducted by India's Health Ministry, supervised by the International Center for Research on Women in Washington, queried 90,000 married women in India on their experiences with domestic violence. The study concluded that more than 50% of the women surveyed justified the beatings they received as punishment earned or deserved for neglecting housekeeping and/or child-rearing duties, showing disrespect to in-laws, going out without a husband's permission or arousing his suspicions of infidelity (Dugger, Celia W. (12/26/2000). "Kerosene, Weapon of Choice for Attacks on Wives in India". http://www.nytimes.com/2000/12/26/world/26INDI.html). This and other surveys conducted around the world determined that from 10%-50% of women have experienced domestic violence, the most common reasons for which were "wifely shortcomings".

Reasons women have cited to explain why they frequently stay in abusive situations include:

they blame themselves for the abuse,
they have no place else to go,
they hope or believe the abuse will eventually cease, or conversely, they believe that leaving will not stop the abuse. As one woman put it, "What is the point in leaving? I know that wherever I go, he will follow me and no matter where I am, he will beat me."
they are financially dependent on their abuser and fear they will be unable to support themselves or their children,
their traditions, cultural base, society system or religious convictions teach them that they are responsible for being abused and responsible for being a "good woman", staying and making the relationship work,
they fear social censure, being labeled a "failure",
they fear they will lose their children if they leave,
they fear they will lose their lives if they attempt to leave.
Statistically speaking, it is not uncommon for a battered woman to leave her abuser seven or eight times before she makes a final break.

The Controversy Over "Choices"

"Though leaving is not an option that seems available to many battered women, I believe that the first time a woman is hit, she is a victim and the second time, she is a volunteer. Invariably, after a television interview or speech in which I say this, I hear from people who feel I don't understand the dynamic of battery, that I don't understand the "syndrome." In fact, I have a deep and personal understanding of the syndrome, but I never pass up an opportunity to make clear that staying is a CHOICE. Of those who argue that it isn't, I ask: Is it a CHOICE when a woman finally does leave, or is there some syndrome to explain leaving as if it too is involuntary? I believe it is critical for a woman to view staying as a CHOICE, for only then can leaving be viewed as a CHOICE and an option." (de Becker, 1997)

AND

"Just as there are batterers who will victimize partner after partner, so are there serial victims, women who will select more than one violent man...even though these men are frequently kind and gentle in the beginning, there are always warning signs. Victims, however, may not always CHOOSE to detect them...people don't see the signs, maybe because our process of falling in love is in large measure the process of CHOOSING not to see faults, and that requires some denial...My observations about selection are offered to enlighten victims, not to blame them, for I don't believe that violence is a fair penalty for bad CHOICES. But I do believe they are CHOICES." (de Becker, 1997)

"The notion that women don't leave is a myth. Women telland women leave all the time. When it comes to leaving, battered women are enormously ingenious, resourceful and courageous...The truth is that coercion and fear make it difficult, even impossible sometimes, for women to leave or to leave safely. How "free" is a woman to leave when she's been told time and again, "If you leave me, I'll kill you. Or I'll kill the kids. Or you'll never see the kids again." Leaving is by far the most dangerous time for battered women--a time when they are most likely to be assaulted and most likely to be killed. Batterers are the most tenacious of criminals when it comes to the active pursuit of their victims. Every day, four or five men track down and murder women who are trying to get away from them. If fear weren't enough of an obstacle to leaving, what about the enormous financial obstacles many women face in making the CHOICE to leave? If women could solve the violence problem without the system's help, they would have done it a long time ago." (Zubretsky 1994)

A Few More Throughts on the Controversy

In his book, "The Gift of Fear", Mr. de Becker also states:
"How could someone feel that being beaten does not justify leaving? Being struck and forced not to resist is a particularly damaging form of abuse because it trains out of the victim the instinctive reaction to protect the self."

Mr. de Becker goes on to say that:"...dedicated, constructive people want to educate the public as to why so many women stay, I want to focus on how> so many women leave."

Also Mr. de Becker:"Though leaving is the best response to violence, it is in trying to leave that most women get killed...Shelter locations are secret, and the professionals there understand what the legal system often doesn't: that the issue is safety--not justice."

Native American Circle Believes that:

"Why doesn't she just leave?' is not a question, but is rather a judgment thatre-victimizes the victim. The person who asks this question imagines that the abused has more freedom of CHOICE than she actually possesses, and that if she leaves, she'll be safer, happier, stronger, more self-sufficient, in control of her own destiny, free of violence and free of the fear of violence.The abused woman knows better, has a greater grasp of her own realities. She is not (usually) mentally deficient. She is abused! The person who asks this question has indulged in a form of victim-blamingbecause the question suggests that the battered woman should alone be held accountable for her safety and her children's safety.

Remember that: BATTERING IS A CHOICE.Abusive people may choosebattering behaviors or they may choose a non-violent path that leads to understanding, harmony, deeper intimacy, and greater satisfaction with their love relationships.

Foremost among the reasons for staying in a violent relationship is the fact that the violence often alternates with warm affection and long, loving interludes that have the effect of renewing a victim's hopes that her abuser will actually stop his abuse. In the aftermath of a violent event, victims frequently begin to question their own memories of the abuse and minimize the severity of the violence or the intensity of the fear they felt during the violent incident. They also may have suffered so much damage to their self-esteem and self-worth that they may actually feel they are not worthy of a different lifestyle.

Many professionals feel that there are four "stages" of abuse, or in effect, that there is a process a victim of domestic violence may go through along the road to becoming victimized.

The stages are:

Denial, which involves rationalizing and then excusing or forgiving battering behavior (for instance, he was stressed by his job, the kids, something his female partner did or didn't do, or he was "tempted" by male friends to indulge in drinking/taking drugs--behavior that always leads to a battering episode--so it wasn't his fault, but his friends' fault because they know what drinking/taking drugs does to him);
Anger, always suppressed, concealed and unspoken (because the batterer alone is allowed to display anger and/or because "good" women do not display negative emotions; the battered woman has already been conditioned to believe that she is not entitled to her own feelings);
Bargaining, during which phase a woman relinquishes any action or behavior that annoys her tormentor in the hope that he will cease mistreating her (or in the alternative, a phase in which the woman who has fled her batterer will negotiate with her batterer, determining that if he will seek "help" for his "problem", she will return to him);
Depression, involving a loss of self-esteem so vast that the battered woman comes to feel herself deserving of abuse.
It is a myth that battering is limited to working class or poor families. In fact, no socio-economic group, no race, culture or class of people is immune from domestic violence. A woman may be victimized at the hands of her husband whether he is a factory worker or construction worker, or a teacher, lawyer, doctor, minister or some other type of blue or white collar professional. All women are at risk for domestic violence (and some men). However, poor women appear to be at a greater risk of experiencing domestic violence than all other socio-economic classes of women (Waits, Kathleen (June/July 2000). "Insights Into the Judicial Response to Domestic Violence". Domestic Violence Report, Volume 5, No. 5, pg. 67-74.)

Perhaps the study results are due to the fact that poor women report violence and access community services and resources most often, whereas wealthy women often have additional options and alternatives that their greater wealth makes available to them, allowing them to avoid the embarrassment and inconvenience of relying on the "system" to assist them with their circumstances.

It is proven that without intervention, battering behavior will not improve over time, but will instead become progressively more severe. Abuse often does not become violent in the initial stages of a relationship, but rather, begins more gradually. Emotional abuse is usually the first "power and control tactic" employed by a batterer to exert power or establish control over a victim. Once the victim has become "conditioned" to accept and internalize the emotional abuse, she will more readily accept physical intimidation and then physical abuse, forgive the abuse and finally, even come to accept responsibility for her batterer's behavior.

"Pre-battering violence" is often characterized by:

verbal and/or emotional abuse,
making threats or threatening gestures,
hitting objects or pets (instead of the woman),
throwing or breaking objects,
physically restraining the woman, (such as: forcing her to sit or stand in one place; preventing her from leaving the room or the home; preventing her from getting her purse, her keys or getting into the car; locking her in a room or a closet).
There is more than ample evidence to support the claim that when abusers initiate pre-battering violence, the abuser will soon progress to employing violent battering to achieve complete control over the victim.

The following treatment of "Why She Stays..." was found in the handbook of the YWCA Crisis Center, Enid, Oklahoma:

Women who stay in violent relationships undergo gradual steps of reasoning to reconcile the violence in their minds. The reason she stays may change as the violence in the relationship progresses.

At first,she stays because:

She loves him;
She believes he'll "grow up" or "change";
She believes she can control the beatings by doing as he says (i.e., cleaning the house, keeping the children quiet, having dinner on time, etc.);
She believes she can convince him that she loves him and thus end his jealousy;
She believes it is her duty to make the relationship work;
She believes she can reason with him;
She believes him when he says he's sorry and "won't do it" again;
She's afraid of what will happen if the police get involved.
Later,she stays because:

She loves him, but less;
She hopes he'll change or get help;
She's under pressure from family or friends to stay;
She believes he loves her and needs her;
She's afraid to be alone;
She believes she can't support herself;
She believes his promises that he'll change and that they'll start living the life she dreams of, or that he'll get counseling or stop abusing drugs/alcohol, etc.;
She is confused;
She is increasingly afraid of her partner's violence and may see lethality in his out-of-control behaviors.
Finally,she stays because:

Fear--he has become tremendously powerful in her eyes;
He threatens to kill her or the children or her extended family and/or friends if she leaves;
She has developed low self-esteem;
She believes no one can love her;
She believes she can't survive alone;
She is very confused and feels guilty (i.e., "He cares; he beats me. I must be bad. I deserve this, but I don't know why...);
She becomes depressed and immobile; decisions are difficult, sometimes impossible for her to make;
She believes she has no control over her own life;
She feels hopeless and helpless;
She believes she has no options;
She has developed serious emotional and/or physical problems;
She becomes suicidal and/or homicidal.
The next time you are tempted to ask, "Why does she stay?", stop for a moment and consider the humiliation endured by the victim. To what lengths would you go to keep yourself from being labeled a failure?

Understanding the Dynamics of Abuse: A Broad Perspective

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