Behaviors

Approximately 1 out of every 3 women will marry or become involved with a man whose behavior is characterized by battering tendencies.

It is important to remember that none of the women who become involved with batterers do so intentionally. No person consciously chooses to surrender control, power and authority over their own lives. No person consciously chooses to be violently abused, to feel demeaned or terrorized. If one can accept these statements as intrinsic truths, then:

Exploring why battered women stay with their batterers becomes less meaningful and important than exploring why their partners batter;
There is no reason (or excuse) for blaming the abused for the abuser's behavior;
Advocates, support groups, medical, criminal justice and law enforcement professionals can focus on finding more effective strategies for violence prevention and intervention, and less time focusing on defending victims against perceptions in society that minimize battering behavior or reinforce victim-blaming;
Survivors of abuse are not re-victimized by feeling they must justify their life "choices"--how they love, when they love or who they love.
While it is a myth that a battered woman "likes abuse" or chooses to be abused, it is nevertheless true that in most battering relationships, danger signs exist that may warn of battering tendencies months or even years before the onset of actual battering. For instance, if you are the parent of a teenage daughter whose boyfriend insists on making her account for all of her time, displays extreme or irrational jealousy, seems to have low impulse control and angers easily, you are justified in feeling alarmed about the direction the relationship may eventually take. Remember that domestic violence is characteristically "progressive" in nature, although it should not be considered a progressive disease according to the medical definition of "addiction" since battering behavior is learned behavior.

There is strong evidence supporting the conviction that battered women are first "conditioned" (whether intentionally or unintentionally) to accept battering behavior through cultural norms or accepted gender stereotypes existing in society, and/or through the employment of one or more "power and control tactics".

Power and Control Tactics commonly employed by batterers may include any or all of the following behaviors (partially adapted from the Apache Tribe of Oklahoma's STOP The Violence program and from Sacred Circle/National Resource Center to End Violence Against Native Women):

Physical violence: pushing, punching, slapping, choking, stabbing, kicking, hair-pulling, biting, hitting, tripping, knocking down, pinching, dragging, throwing objects at the victim or picking up and throwing the victim herself, spitting on her, physical coercion, restraining her, using weapons to threaten or assault her; abandoning her in a dangerous place;
Sexual violence: forcing her to have sex or do sexual things against her will; physically assaulting the sexual parts of her body; treating her like a sex object; threatening her if she won't submit to sex; talking about her in a sexual way to others; urinating on her; depriving her of clothing in public places; insisting she get pregnant so that she will become more dependent upon the abuser or feel that she can't leave; calling her sexual names; making demeaning remarks about her gender; accusing her of sexual promiscuity or of having sex with others, whether men or women; accusing her of being a lesbian--of not liking sex with men because she secretly wants to have sex with women; blaming her for sexual dysfunction's or for "boring" or dissatisfying sex;
Emotional abuse: putting her down; calling her names; making her think she's crazy, always wrong, stupid, ugly; belittling her feelings, opinions and reactions; degrading or demeaning her; dehumanizing her; playing mind games; humiliating her; making her responsible for the abuser's happiness and every detail of the abuser's life; making her feel guilty if she fails to make the abuser happy or if she fails to manage all the details of the lifestyle that the abuser has labeled her responsibility; criticizing and ridiculing her parental abilities or the way she views herself as a wife or as a woman; instructing her in how to dress or conduct herself; using emotional blackmail; manipulating her with promises to stop abusing her or substances in order to obtain concessions from her and rewards for the batterer; convincing her that if she leaves, authority figures (i.e., judges, law enforcement, medical personnel, employers, social workers, etc.) will not believe her tales of abuse and will support the batterer's agenda (to take custody of the children, retain material assets, etc.); withholding approval or affection as punishment; subjecting her to reckless driving;
Isolation: controlling what she does, whom she sees or talks to, and what she reads, watches on television or listens to on the radio; depriving her of transportation or limiting her use of available transportation; demanding that she account for all of her time; demanding she justify her actions; demanding she justify time spent away from home, away from the children or away from the abuser; requiring that she take the children with her everywhere she goes; restricting or restraining her movements; telling her that no other man will want her; reminding her of her financial and emotional dependence on the batterer; convincing her that if she leaves, she won't make it on her own or that no one will believe her or help her;
Economic Abuse: Preventing her from getting or keeping a job; forcing her to ask for money or to account for the money she spends; taking her money; placing her on an allowance; withholding information about the state of the family's financial position, about income, or about financial security; refusing to pay child support or alimony; making her beg to have her or her children's basic needs met; withholding the means to meet basic needs of herself or the children; threatening to withhold financial support should she leave (such as, "I'll see to it that you never get a dime out of me!);
Spiritual, Religious or Ritual Abuse: Not allowing her to have or maintain her own spiritual belief system; forbidding her to attend religious ceremonies; ridiculing her beliefs; keeping her away from her source of spiritual strength; making prayers against her; telling her that if she leaves, God will punish her; telling her that divorce is an "unforgivable sin" and proof that she is a bad woman; reinforcing beliefs that if she prays hard enough, the abuse will stop; telling her that the abuse is God's punishment on her for some misdeed; telling her that her spiritual path is lacking or she would not be suffering; using Biblical passages to justify or support battering behavior; using Biblical passages to convince her that she has no right to deny sex or that the abuser has the "God-given" right to sex upon demand; distorting Biblical passages to make her think God created males to be powerful, authority figures and females to be submissive, inferior servants;
Cultural Abuse: Misinterpreting culture or inventing tradition to prove male superiority and female submission are "traditional" roles for men and women; using friends and/or relatives to abuse her, either physically, sexually, emotionally or spiritually;
Using Male Privilege: Treating her like a servant; making all the big decisions alone; acting superior and condescending; ordering her around; buying into stereotypical definitions that portray men's and women's roles in a way that makes men superior and women inferior; expecting her to always take care of you first; not supporting her; expecting no consequences for battering behavior;
Using the Children: Making her feel guilty about the children--for not being with them if she's working, for not being able to provide for them if she's not working, for not sacrificing enough of herself to them, for giving them too much time or too little time, for not making them pick up after themselves or for making them pick up after themselves, etc; using children as a way to hold her in the relationship; manipulating her to accept violence by using her maternal instinct to protect her children; telling her she's a bad mother; using the children to relay messages; using visitation and custody issues to harass or do violence to her; threatening to take her children from her; promoting the idea that if she leaves, she alone will be responsible for depriving the children of their father; promoting the idea that children will have behavioral problems if they don't have a strong father figure in their life; promoting the idea that children will choose alternate lifestyles if they do not have a father's influence in their lives (for instance, that boy children will become homosexuals if their mother raises them alone); convincing her that the abuser will obtain custody of the children if she leaves; convincing the children that the violence is her fault;
Using Intimidation and Threats: Making her feel fear by using looks, actions, words or gestures; destroying or defacing property; abusing pets; displaying weapons; reminding her in any way of how you have or can hurt her; making threats against her family or friends; threatening to kill or injure her or her children; threatening to take her children from her, either legally or by kidnapping them; threatening suicide; threatening to report her to welfare or "authorities"; forcing her to do illegal things in order to blackmail her; threatening to use Indian medicine against her; forcing her to "violate" a protection order or drop charges (Note: the victim cannot "violate" a protection order by resuming a relationship with her abuser. This is a myth. However, judges may be reluctant to renew or enforce the protection order if it is known that the victim has resumed an intimate relationship with the abuser. Likewise, law enforcement officials may be reluctant to enforce the protection order, BUT the role of law enforcement is to carry out the mandates of the law, not pass judgment or comment on the victim's lifestyle or perceived 'choices');
Minimizing, Lying and Blaming: Making light of the abuse and not taking her concerns about it seriously; pretending the abuse didn't happen; blaming her for the abuse--saying that she caused/deserved/provoked it; shifting responsibility for the abusive behavior; pretending the abuse was an accident or was less severe than it really was; making excuses for the abuse, such as blaming the violence on substance abuse, a bad day, bad moods or exhaustion; saying the violence was "for her own good"--to teach her a lesson, to make her control her own substance abuse, etc.
It is indisputable that battering involves learned behavior patterns. Just as victims of abuse are often conditioned over a period of time to accept abusive behavior, so do abusers often develop abusive behaviors over a period of time--and always through many of the same channels of "conditioning" imposed upon the victims of abuse. As with the victim, behavior patterns learned by batterers are often the result of "socialized" behaviors, which may be encouraged through male and female stereotypical roles that appear to be cultural norms in society, or through "family tradition", that is passed down from generation to generation.

It is also an inescapable fact that batterers often indulge in battering behavior because there are undeniable "rewards" to the batterer as a direct result of the abuse. For instance, men who batter sometimes attribute stress relief to "venting" their emotions through violent behavior, but the major positive reinforcement battering men obtain from exercising power and control tactics is evidenced in what they get out of the battering. Achieving dominance and control over their victims, establishing a tyrannical authority over a victim, obtaining servile obedience from a victim are only a few of the rewards of battering behavior. In short, battering behavior portrays the extreme definition of a "power trip".

Those who disagree with this reasoning create myths about battering behavior and then present the myth as fact. For example, a popular myth is that men who batter do so because they have poor impulse control or simply because they cannot control themselves, go temporarily insane or just "lose it". Men who batter are among the first to advance this theory because it helps them to avoid responsibility for their actions. But in fact, men who batter are usually most violent towards their intimate partner and/or their children. They control themselves well enough to choose (there's that word again) a safe target. Batterers often beat their victims on parts of the body where bruises will not show, but will be hidden by clothing. 60% of battered women are beaten while they are pregnant. Often, pregnant victims are punched or kicked in the stomach, while visibly pregnant. Many violent assaults last for hours and many batterers actually plan assaults.

It is interesting to note that Amnesty International's list of coercive tactics used world wide in human torture to break a person's spirit and condition them to submissive behavior include:

Isolation, defined by Amnesty as "a mechanism to deprive a victim of social support to decrease the victim's ability to resist". Consider the stories of battered women about intimate partners who eavesdrop on their telephone conversations or demand they appear in public only with their abuser;
Threats, defined by Amnesty as "a mechanism to cultivate anxiety, despair and FEAR". Consider the stories of battered women about intimate partners who threaten to kill them, their children, friends, relatives or a pet, or to "report" the victim or have her "declared crazy" and committed;
Degradation, defined by Amnesty as "a way to make the cost of resistance appear more damaging to one's self-worth than giving in". Consider the stories of women who say that their partners threatened to "tell everyone" that they were "bad mothers, bad women, promiscuous, crazy, substance abusers, thieves,", etc. unless the woman...;
Debility and Exhaustion, defined by Amnesty as "a way to weaken one's mental and physical ability to resist". Then consider the stories of women who say that their partners wouldn't allow them to rest or sleep or woke them at unreasonable hours, often after long hours on a job, after surgery or an illness, for no other purpose than to have an argument, to force them to prepare a meal, or have sex.

Battering Behavior

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Behaviors Common or Typical to Batterers
Evidence of one or more of these behaviors does not necessarily indicate that a person is a batterer, but if several of the following behaviors are evidenced, a pattern may be surfacing that should be more carefully evaluated. Batterers often:

Come from all ages, ethnic, socio-economic, and cultural backgrounds;
Have difficulty trusting people;
Have low self-worth;
Believe that emotional distress is caused by external factors;
Exhibit a lack of ability to nurture other people or are unable to relate on an intimate basis;
Fear loss of control (or power);
Are out of touch with feelings other than anger;
Appear to have dual personalities;
Are extremely jealous and possessive;
Are rigid and inflexible;
Refuse accountability for their own actions and blame others instead;
Are unable to handle stress in constructive ways;
Are socially isolated, and in turn, attempt to socially isolate their victims;
Have conflicts with their spouse/partner over parenting;
Believe in concepts of male supremacy and stereotypical male/female roles;
Report a high incidence of alcohol or drug abuse in their family of origin;
Witnessed violence between their parents or were victims of child abuse;
Have unrealistic expectations of marriage, believing it will provide permanence or security;
Place the burden of marital-type relationships on their partner;
Over-attribute hostile behavior to others;
Uses force or violence to resolve arguments or problems;
Completely self-centered;
Have a tendency to invent cues that never happened;
Believe their violent behavior should not have negative consequences;
Exhibits vast mood swings--extreme highs and extreme lows;
Have a history of failed relationships and blame the other person for all the problems;
Do not accept emotional or physical boundaries set by others;
Are extremely manipulative;
Override their partner's preferences, objections and concerns, both verbally and non-verbally (by their actions);
Demand their partner account for all her time and/or whereabouts;
Telephone constantly or practice some method of surveillance to monitor partner's activities;
Display behavior indicating that the relationship "validates" him as a person or that his identity is dependent upon having an intimate relationship;
Express high degrees of "emotional investment" or "entitlement" in their partner;
Often use fear, intimidation, threats and physical coercion as tools to intimidate.