Excrept from The Galactic History of Human Underclothes on Coruscant: 25,000 Years of Unmentionables
By Koa Dar Tinal
The Grand Republic and Imperial Eras (48 BNR - 4ANR)
Cultural memory romanticizes the Grand Republic with its conspicuous consumption, best exemplified by the aristocracy of Chommel Sector with their physics-defying headdresses and vibrant state robes. These busts and tapestries decorated the chambers of government with Supreme Chancellor Palpatine to Senator Amidala at the vanguard presenting the cloth artistry of Fashion Houses Di Or�, Kanilam, and Ven Dex. Their influence in costume extended to the Jedi, resulting in the Jedi Council issuing statements against the �wanton materialism of self-importance,� as Knights and Padawans aspired to wear the brilliant colors that Jedi Master Jocasta Nu denounced as �unnatural and unethical as black lightsabers.� Fashion dichotomy between the orders of the Senate and Jedi persisted into the realm of underclothing.
For all the luxuriant trimmings, the representatives from such diverse worlds as Alderaan, Corellia, and Naboo had minimized underwear to microscopic proportions. During the reign of Finis Valorum, the Fashion Industry panicked as sales of lingerie plummeted, even with the black durasteel corset and thong combination.. Financial matters worsened as Naboo dominated with what Supreme Chancellor Palpatine advocated the �natural breathing of the loins.� Seventy-six of the eighty underclothing furnishers declared bankruptcy during the period, though they experimented with fetish merchandise that had minimal sales until the Tarkin Doctrine.
The prudery of the Jedi advanced into the realm of underclothing, retaining that term �unmentionable.� The Guide to Jedi Hygiene: Human Edition was the lone official source addressing this issue during the waning years of the Grand Republic. Written by the venerable Jedi Master Yoda, he approached the matter of underwear with such vagueness as �[m]odest the Jedi must be, so guard your chastity you must.� References had to be collected from outside, including the Count Naaza Dooku of Serenno. He wrote one of the most delightful descriptions on Jedi propriety for that time period:
�They [Jedi] cloth themselves in corruption, guarding their chastity as if their loins will bear the Chosen One. Bands and girdles constrict the sexual organs from their natural passions. They would be better servants as eunuchs guarding the Republic with all its truth and justice so they need not fight the desires the Maker endowed. May they castrate themselves with lightsabers!�
When the Grand Republic became the First Galactic Empire, when Supreme Chancellor Palpatine became Imperial Sovereign, the Emperor Palpatine, fashion became streamlined in its elegance. Conspicuous consumption was defunct in decorating as aerodynamics dominated, whether it was technology or fashion. Black and red dominated the clothing market, especially capes with long sinuous lines imitating the Lord Darth Vader and the Imperial Guards.
With these transformations, the Fashion Industry predicted the resurgence of austere underclothing; unfortunately, their prophecy was as misguided as the Jedi Knights. The infinitesimal size of underclothing persisted in all quarters for humankind, from Alderaan to Zanaxir. Only the Imperial Officer Corset, popularized by Grand Moff Wilhuff Tarkin, and the Darth Fetish lines prospered with their sadistic and masochistic that reinforced the ideal of that era--�[r]ule through the fear of force, rather than force itself.� Many examples of this sex couture abound, no collection more awesome than those worn by Tarkin, Admiral Theti Daala, and Baroness Ysanne Isard, save perhaps Palpatine and Vader.
For the Imperial Era, speculation persists on the underclothing of Palpatine and Vader, the two most powerful Humans in the Galaxy. There is no doubt of their passionate relationships, but what they wore remains mysterious as the Force. Naboo citizens declare that the Emperor honored the fashion heritage of his native planet, but what of the man in the obsidian armor? It was presumed it sustained his life, but evidence from the Amedda Collection suggest otherwise as numerous manuscripts reference their dalliances in the Naboo Lake Country. Even the Supreme Inquisitor Sate Prestage wrote that �he [Palpatine] considered Vader�s armor an aphrodisiac, especially the heaving breath.� The Universe may never know what Vader wore beneath his armor, but there is no doubting his influence on Darth Fetish.
Herein, on 67D, 37AR, the New Republic decrees all data on Amidala, Palpatine, and Vader to be libel and slander from this text.