01 - EXT CORUSCANT - IMPERIAL CHANCELLORY

02 - INT IMPERIAL CHACELLORY - OFFICE OF EMPEROR PALPATINE

In the darkened office, PALPATINE and ANAKIN lounge before the gargantuan holovision, surrounded by empty liquor conditions with lightsaber burns, many of which were imported from the planet Bikardey. PALPATINE wields the remote control, the screen flickering through thousands of channels, even through videos of �NSidiuz, before it halts upon HuttTV airing Bib Fortuna Tonight.

03 - INT TELEVSION - BIB FORTUNA TONIGHT

BIB FORTUNA: We�re back! Here with us tonight is special guest Baron Lando Calrissian of Bespin, Chief Administrator of Monte Calro and Cloud City Casinos. During the break, you mentioned a plan to open a new casino in space and--

04 - INT IMPERIAL CHACELLORY - OFFICE OF EMPEROR PALPATINE

ANAKIN: Why are we watching this crap? There�s Jedi crime lords we need to slay!

PALPATINE: Patience, my friend. The future is always in motion, but I foresaw tonight�s episode as disturbing.

05 - INT TELEVSION - BIB FORTUNA TONIGHT

LANDO:--Yes, I�m hoping to open an intergalactic hub of trade, commerce, and casinos. It�s always been a dream of mine--

06 - INT IMPERIAL CHACELLORY - OFFICE OF EMPEROR PALPATINE

ANAKIN: I don�t need a lesson in economics.

PALPATINE: Patience.

07 - INT TELEVSION - BIB FORTUNA TONIGHT

LANDO:--nothing�s worse that negotiating contracts. It�d be so much easier if I could say, �Emperor, I challenge you to a game of Sabaac. If you win, Bespin�s in the Empire. If I win, the Death Star is my new casino.�

08 - INT IMPERIAL CHACELLORY - OFFICE OF EMPEROR PALPATINE

As PALPATINE deactivates the holovision, the lights glimmer on.

PALPATINE: Ah, this challenge is befitting of me. Emperor Entrepreneur versus Baron Businessman. Of course, I would triumph, and take over. But I am humbled. No one has asked to play sabaac with me in eons.

ANAKIN: I never knew you to play such petty games.

PALPATINE: But they sharpen the mind, especially those skilled with sleight of hand. It�s like battling certain politicians.

ANAKIN: But you�re prescient.

PALPATINE: Nothing is so absolute

ANAKIN arises from the couch, yawning as he stretches his arms, all in slow motion in homage to the viewers.

ANAKIN: Except for your authority, My Emperor.

PALPATINE: Must you depart so soon?

ANAKIN: I--I have family business to attend to.

PALPATINE: Very well, my friend. Tell Queen Amidala that her make-up

09 - EXT IMPERIAL CHANCELLORY - SPEEDER PLATFORM

With Jedi agility, ANAKIN mounts his speeder, which is black of course, igniting it to jet off through the slow traffic of early evening, also known by the oxymoron rush hour.

10 - EXT CORUSCANT - DUG HIDEAWAY

11 - EXT DUG HIDEAWAY - SHIP PLATFORM

Parked outside the Millennium Falcon, LEIA and HAN embrace, his dirty hands combing through her unbound hair.

LEIA: Your hyper drive is impressive. Most impressive.

HAN: You think so, Your Worship?

LEIA: I�m surprised scoundrels like you keep things operating so--smooth.

HAN: It�s just natural for Corellians.

LEIA: I love it!

HAN: I know.

LEIA and HAN kiss, Corellian style, their hands caressing each other, ignorant of the hum of approaching traffic. ANAKIN swoops down, light saber engaged, striking at HAN as he leaps off his speeder.

ANAKIN: Unhand her, you fiend!

LEIA shields HAN with her body.

LEIA: Daddy!

ANAKIN: I have you now!

ANAKIN thrashes down with his lightsaber, but HAN dodges. He unsheathes his blasters to assault ANAKIN, but they are summoned by his enemy with the Force.

LEIA intervenes, flinging herself against her father.

LEIA: Daddy, no!

ANAKIN: You�re coming with me. It�s the only way to save you from Corellian scum.

LEIA: Daddy, I love him!

ANAKIN: Love him? He�s probably using Xizor�s aftershave to seduce you. Why, back in my day, it took nine years to woe a girl--

LEIA: You were a kid when you met Mother.

ANAKIN: That�s not the point. It took me years to become a night and woo her heart. I never lost my nobility, growing up in such sorrow--

LEIA: I don�t care.

ANAKIN: You�re coming with me. There is no escape.

12 - EXT CORUSCANT - THEED TOWERS

13 - INT THEED TOWERS - PARLOR

In the ornate parlor, designed by the most expensive Gungun interior decorators, are ANAKIN and LEIA, both who have changed clothes because of the fashion sponsors. He wears complete black, flowing cape including, while his daughter wears expensive silks that do not distract from her hair style, that which requires the use of the Force to defy the physics of the galaxy. ANAKIN paces before the chaise on which his daughter lays, where she angsts as is required for all humans between the ages of fifteen and twenty-seven.

LEIA: Daddy, was it necessary to do that to Han?

ANAKIN: You do not understand the powers of the Dark Side.

LEIA: What has the Force got to do with this?

ANAKIN: Everything! My own flesh and blood being seduced by Corellian scum.

LEIA: Han? Daddy, he�s Luke�s dearest friend and-

ANAKIN: And he was kissing you--Corellian style.

LEIA: Well, he currently has been appointed my boyfriend.

ANAKIN: I didn�t sanction that!

LEIA: My boyfriends fall under my jurisdiction.

ANAKIN: But--but he has no Force potential!

LEIA: Oh, he�s an excellent pilot. And you should see his hyperdrive.

ANAKIN: What?

LEIA: He can make the Kessel Run in twelve parsecs or less.

ANAKIN: A smuggler? This is outrageous. He�ll be arrested at once-

LEIA: At least I have interest in other beings, unlike your son. He hasn�t obeyed your orders to get a girlfriend.

ANAKIN: Shall you shall assist him in that investigation.

LEIA: He�ll only pay attention to girls who can fix hyper drives like

Palpatine�s great-grandniece-

ANAKIN: I forbid that!

LEIA: But you ordered him to him to find a girlfriend.

ANAKIN: Your--your lack of obedience is disturbing.

LEIA: You taught me to be always be weary of authority.

ANAKIN: Weary of--of the Force, yes, but not me.

Enter LUKE, and ARTOO, both who are covered in odorous substances from hours tinkering with his spaceship collection. Luke, of course, has clothing two sizes too large since he has the fashion senses of any Nerf Herder.

LUKE: Hey, Leia! Dude, you have to check out the new Anchorhead Ion Engine I got from Watto on the cheap. Hey, Dad! Where�ve you been?

ANAKIN: How many times have I told you not to do business with Watto?

LUKE: Well, he�s so easy to use Jedi Mind Tricks on-

ANAKIN: No, he isn�t! He�s immune as a Hutt.

LUKE: You�ll disagree when you check out that engine. Her isotopes are like whoa!

ARTOO chirps as the excitable LUKE seats himself on the chaise across from the disinterested LEIA. She hones her Force skills by rearranging her hair while her brother argues with their father, as the sitcom code requires multiple family disputes.

ANAKIN: Well--your sister tells me you�ve failed to get a girlfriend.

LUKE: I don�t have time between learning JedI and Sith stuff and flying around with Biggs and Wedge. Then there�s Han�s ship-

ANAKIN: That Corellian slimeball!

LUKE: You mean Wedge? You said his family background�s okay.

LEIA: He means Han, Luke.

ANAKIN: You should not gamble with the powers of the Dark Side.

LUKE: But it hones my abilities. And I keep seeing this girl in my future-

ANAKIN: That is promising.

LUKE: But I think she�s Palpatine�s great-grandniece.

ANAKIN: No!

LEIA: I heard she fixes hyperdrives.

LUKE: Cool.

Enter PADM�, resplendent in her robes of state, not to mention her ornate headdress. Of course her entrance is graceful, since she is Queen of something or another, contrasting with her husband who still has manners of any Tatooine youth. Her children are anxious to converse with her, but of course she has to subdue ANAKIN first.

ANAKIN: I forbid it!

PADM�: Ani, remember what the doctor said about your temper!

ANAKIN: But Padm�-

PADM�: It will not do to have you angered if your pod racing team lost.

ANAKIN: I lost a million credits because of them!

PADM�: You shouldn�t spend so vicariously as if you were the Emperor himself.

ANAKIN: I�m his Chief Jedi Liaison Officer.

PADM�: That is no reason when there�s famine on Molikai.

ANAKIN: There�s always famine there.

PADM�: If you don�t donate a million credits to their cause, you can volunteer to negotiate the trade dispute between the Gunguns and the Hutts.

ANAKIN: Fine, I�ll donate.

PADM�: Don�t forget the charity dinner we�re attending tonight. House Di Ore will be donating proceeds to Tatooine moisture farmers.

ANAKIN: That�s nice, but you have enough gowns.

PADM�: I was thinking of buying something more colorful for you.

ANAKIN: And just what is wrong with my clothing?

PADM�: You need more style, like Obi-Wan and Mace.

ANAKIN: I will not carry a purple light saber or grow a beard!

LEIA: Daddy, Mother is correct. You need to stop wearing all black.

ANAKIN: I am not old and shriveled. I don�t look a day over thirty-eight!

PADM�: Forty-three, dear.

ANAKIN: Don�t contradict me!

PADM�: Remember to control your temper.

ANAKIN: I don�t want control. I want order.

LUKE: Order? Can I get a new Z-29 Headhunter Excalibur encrusted with Adegan crystals?

ANAKIN: That�s too expensive.

LUKE: But Uncle Yoda has one.

ANAKIN: He won it on The Force Is Right.

LUKE: But-

PADM�: Speaking of wardrobe malfunction, Luke, you need to buy tailored clothes, not empty grain sacks.

LUKE: Dad says I look fine.

PADM�: Really, Luke, you�re the son of a Jedi-

ANAKIN: The most powerful Jedi!

PADM�:-and you look like a regular farmboy. Can�t you dress more like your sister?

LUKE: I don�t want to be a princess!

PADM�: At least remember you were given the honor of being made Duke, Luke.

LUKE: Why couldn�t I be a prince?

ANAKIN: Because Darth Vader is.

LUKE: But Mom�s Queen and Leia�s Princess-

PADM�: The Emperor decided these matters I fear, though he is eccentric.

LEIA: You mean mad.

PADM�: Leia!

LEIA: He�s obliterated any doctor who certified him as insane.

PADM�: He may have that maniacal laugh, but that is all.

LEIA: He also aspires to control the Universe.

ANAKIN: Don�t contradict your mother!

PADM�: Ani, remember your temper.

LEIA: Mother, may I be appointed as Coruscant�s ambassador to Corellia?

PADM�: What about your Senate internship?

LEIA: Well, I met this guy-

ANAKIN: You�re too young and Corellians are the scum of the Universe!

PADM�: Anakin, you forget your birthplace. And some of our dearest friends are Corellians!

ANAKIN: But they�re not scum!

PADM�: Would you like it if I said all Tatooine beings had sand lice?

ANAKIN: I do not have lice!

PADM�: You need better shampoo. Look at that dandruff!

ANAKIN: Ah, I�m going back to work.

PADM�: No. The Jedi Council ordered you to see a therapist. Your anger�s getting out of control even for the liberal Jedi..

ANAKIN: I�m not going to any doctor!

Enter THREEPIO, the droid who must remind everyone he encounters that he is fluent in over six million forms of communication. ARTOO chirps warnings to him regarding ANAKIN, but do you think THREEPIO ever takes the advice of the savvy astromech droid?

PADM�: It�s Doctor Fil from Opheran.

ANAKIN: He�s a quack. And I�m not going.

PADM�: It�s either that or intervention with the Sith Council.

ANAKIN: I hate the council!

THREEPIO: Pardon me, my Sir Skywalker-

ANAKIN: Get lost gold dust!

Exit ANAKIN, no doubt going to angst in private where he can embrace the true power of the Dark Side.

THREEPIO: Oh my, is he malfunctioning again?

PADM�: Yes, Threepio.

THREEPIO: I do hope Master Palpatine will not deactivate him, but he appears to be in excellent condition. I can proudly report , by the Maker, he saved a bundle on Death Star insurance.

LUKE: How exciting.

THREEPIO: I must also be the bearer of the most distressing news. Lord Obi-Wan suspects that the Emperor will travel to Bespin in the guise to accept the challenge of Baron Lando Calrissian to a sabaac duel and it-

LEIA: Lando? Han knows him! I�m sure he�ll take me there, if his hyperdrive�s working. But I hope they don�t have any probes there-

LUKE: Casino? Maybe I can sin some space bucks for the new XLT-46 Phantom Wing with Lightsaber headlights!

PADM�: Oh, it�s another opportunity to generate revenue to save the Kowakian Lizard-Monkey. And since we all have reasons to be there, we�re going on a Skywalker family vacation to Bespin!

14 - EXT THEED TOWERS - SPEEDER GARAGE

ANAKIN approaches his speeder, but his secret comm chirps. He removes it from his pocket, which is able to conceal any required props.

ANAKIN: What is thy bidding, My Master?

PALPATINE: We have a new enemy who may destroy us. You will come with me to Bespin.

ANAKIN: Yes, My Master.

By the will of the Force, with the most awesome character theme music in the history of the universe, darkness envelopes ANAKIN as he transforms into VADER.

15 - EXT CORUSCANT SPACE - EXECUTOR

16 - INT EXECUTOR - BRIDGE

PIETT paces the bridge, reading datapad.

17 - INT DATAPAD - ADMIRAL�S LOG

ADMIRAL�S LOG: These are the voyages of the Executor. Its mission--to exploit strange new worlds and civilization, to boldly go where no one has merchandized before! The Emperor came about with Vader, and the crew awaits orders with great apprehension�

18 - INT EXECUTOR - BRIDGE

VADER strides onto the bridge, accompanied by the awesome character theme music in the history, terrifying the staff, from the fleet admiral to the maintenance droids, causing everyone to grasps their throats.

VADER: Admiral, set course for Bespin. Set your weapons for stun. We go in diplomatic incognito.

At the Communication Console, NEEDA and LEARY scan data pads, undistracted by the approach of their menacing superior and his theme music.

NEEDA: It is rare to have such beauty at the helm of the Empire.

LEARY: She�d make for a good rendezvous, eh?

NEEDA: I would not dream of dishonoring her. She is wed to a Jedi Knight and has the Emperor�s favor--My Lord!

VADER: Have you found something, Captain?

NEEDA: It requires more analysis, My Lord.

VADER: I see�pornography!

NEEDA: It�s the Senatorial Review-

VADER: You know the penalty for harboring vice aboard my ship!

VADER gestures the invisible hand to suffocate NEEDA.

NEEDA: My lord, I�m sorry-

The bridge staff is scared once more as NEEDA is asphyxiated.

VADER: Apology accepted, Captain Needa.

LEARY: My Lord?

VADER: Yes, Lieutenant?

LEARY: Am I Captain now?

VADER: No, you get to inform his family of his treason.

PIETT approached VADER, bowing his head.

PIETT: My Lord, we are approaching Bespin.

VADER: Good.

PIETT: Shall I inform the Emperor?

VADER: He knows.

Enter PALPATINE, cackling as he saunters across the bridge to his apprentice.

PALPATINE: Having problems with captains again?

VADER The matter is settled.

PALPATINE: I sense�jealousy in you, My Friend. But it makes you stronger.

VADER: Thank you, My Master.

18 - EXT BESPIN - SHIP PLATFORM

Imperial shuttle lands, yadda, yadda, yadda, and they do all that business of getting out and strolling on over to LANDO and his entourage all sucking up to PALPATINE, VADER, PIETT, and dozens of unnamed officers, stormtroopers, and droid extras. All of them will walk in the building and stop by some automatic door or another, because that is just the way it is, and have surprises waiting behind it. Can you tell the scriptwriter Is mad and wants to go on strike?

LANDO: My Lord Emperor. My Lord Vader. We, the citizens and employees of Cloud City Casino, are honored by your presence. If there is anything you need, do not hesitate to ask-

VADER: The Emperor accepts your challenge to play sabaac.

LANDO: My Lord!

VADER: When he wins, Bespin is annexed by the Empire.

LANDO: What do I get?

VADER: Your life.

PALPATINE: Please, excuse my impatient apprentice. You set the parameters on "Bib Fortuna Tonight".

LANDO: I get the Death Star?

PALPATINE: Yes, my dear Baron. It shall indeed be a dogfight. Lord Vader shall be my second. Who shall be yours?

LANDO: Captain Han Solo.

VADER: Solo!

PIETT: Solo?

PALPATINE: The Han Solo? The smuggler who can do the Kessel Run in twelve parsecs?

LANDO: Yes, My Emperor.

PALPATINE: Ah, my dear niece Mara shall want his autograph. She always admires a dependable hyper drive.

LANDO: Please, this way my esteemed guests.

Automatic door opens and viol�!

PADM�: We would be honored if you would join us.

19 - PRODUCT PLACEMENT INSERT!

PALPATINE: Queen Amidala! What a coincidence. I was just thinking how I loved your make-up yesterday. And this cape! It reminds me of Count Dooku.

PADM�: I am flattered, My Emperor.

PALPATINE: You always have permission to call me Sid. And your children so so lovely, so angry! They would make wonderful Sith Lords.

PADM�: Um, thank you, but my husband would not approve.

PALPATINE: A pity. And where is Ani?

PADM�: He had errands to run.

PALPATINE: Will your family watch my sabaac game?

PADM�: Yes, My Emperor.

PALPATINE: Splendid! I give you my arm.

VADER: When does the duel begin?

PALPATINE: Patience! It is time for me to dine. Why not inspect the premises?

VADER: Yes, Master.

20 - INT CLOUD CITY - RYLOTH LOUNGE

Yes, VADER is going into the drinking establishment! How he drinks through the mask, the scriptwriter does not know, but continuity is not important.

OOLA: What can I get you, My Lord?

VADER: Surrender the city at once!

OOLA: That is not on the menu.

VADER Fine. Some Naboo-boo wine.

OOLA: Yes, My Lord.

VADER get drink. VADER gets receipt. VADER gets angry.

VADER: Fifty-nine credits? That is ludicrous.

OOLA: The tariffs on Imperial goods is-

Uh-oh, the hand gesture of doom!

VADER: I will not pay it!

Oh, poor OOLA dies. Well, it is better than how JABBA kills her in the movies. Too bad he is not in the episode, but look! It is green and has pointy ears. YODA has come to say the show, save the ratings!

YODA: A disturbance in the Force, I do sense.

VADER: Yoda! What do you want Green One? You know I do not do the Light Side.

YODA: Pimp Jedi Master says, �A battlefield love is.�

VADER: He is a legend to comfort lovesick Padawans.

YODA: Real he is. Come. Show you him I will!

20 - INT CLOUD CITY - SHAFT�S DIGS

Yes, VADER followed YODA.

YODA: Enter you must!

Yes, VADER obeys and see�

VADER: Mace Windu!

WINDU: Greetings, my disturbed one.

VADER: Is this a Jedi intervention? You know I do not convert.

WINDU: You are as stubborn as Skywalker.

VADER: I do not do the Light Side.

WINDU: In matters of love, the Force must be balanced. Light and Darkness just coincide, not conflict.

VADER: What are you, some Jedi marriage counselor?

WINDU: Indeed I am. I also am the only Jedi with a kick-ass lightsaber.

VADER: I will kick your ass then!

WINDU: First, you must confess your feelings to your true love. Only then will you have the power to defeat me.

WINDU disappears just because that the viewers campaigned that he not die this season.

VADER: Well, your swordsmanship does rival my own, but I�where did he go?

20 - INT CLOUD CITY - IMPERIAL SABAAC GALLERY

Yes, the last scene! VADER enters, and yes the viewers will get double the theme music.

VADER: The sabaac game is canceled.

LUKE: That�s not fair!

VADER: Life is unfair. Accept it.

LEIA: You cannot annex them.

PADM�: This is a diplomatic mission-

PALPATINE: Do you require another lesson in patience, Lord Vader?

VADER: Do not temper me.

PALPATINE: Your power--it�s--it�s--the power of love. No!

Good, the old guy fainted because the wardrobe budget was cut and there is not enough leftovers for special effects like Force lighting.

VADER: Queen Amidala. Padm�.

Oh, he gets down on his knees! And no, he will not sing �The night is young and you�re so beautiful.�

PADM�: Yes, My Lord?

VADER: I love you!

LUKE: That�s not true!

LEIA: That is impossible.

VADER:I have a terrible secret from you. I--I-

It musts be disturbing for children to see their mother holding the most feared man in universal history.

PADM�: My Lord, I am attracted to men in black and galaxy defenders. I cannot deny that I replicate those feelings when I lay awake at night, dreaming of your cape draped over my body-

LUKE: Mother!

PADM�: You know the Jedi way Luke. You cannot deny the truth. Yes, I pledged my heart to Anakin Skywalker, but he does not brood and angst like he once did�

She kisses and licks his mask.

VADER: My beloved! You are not at a disadvantage. I am Anakin Skywalker! I couldn�t betray the JedI and Sith, so I invented Darth Vader. As Anakin, I am the liaison between the Sith and Jedi, as Vader I am--

PADM�: You serve two masters, but your heart belongs to me. But I think you more attractive with the mask on. Such power, such�I want to rule the Galaxy with you!

VADER: Empress Amidala.

PADM�: I like the sound of that.

PIETT: My Lord, that is treason�isn�t it?

PADM�: No, not if you get enough corrupt Senators to elect him.

VADER: Have you embraced the Dark Side?

PADM�: Politicians have to learn to use it.

LANDO: What about the sabaac game?

VADER: You have your life.

AMIDALA: To honor your hospitality, we will give you the Death Star to be a casino. It will generate more revenue to fight famine and crime�and I will need another wardrobe. This is fit for a queen, but not an empress.

VADER: And you Solo, keep your dirty hands off my Leia!

Oh, hidden in dark corner are YODA and WINDU who are voyeurs.

YODA: In the end, win true love did.

WINDU: As you always say, the Force works in mysterious ways.

YODA: To where do you go?

WINDU: I�ve got some ladies to entertain. Pimp Jedi Master just isn�t a marriage councilor, savvy?

Fade out.

THE END! AND THE SHOW IS CANCELED!