Oh God, I’m crying before my Captain! I’m an officer in His Majesty’s Navy, so I shouldn’t be doing this childish bawling. But I can’t stop, even with all the discipline I’ve learned. Why did this have to happen, and now? Man, Pellew is going to reprimand me worse for these tears than any of the other losses I’ve incurred over all the years on the Indy.

Damn, why is he looking at me like that? I can’t read his thoughts if I can’t read his face, staring at this monstrosity that I am. Is he in shock or something, because I don’t see him blinking. And his stance is no help either, that damn officer pose. What is he at attention for anyway, unless it is to holler his lungs at out me since I see his scowl starting to form at his eyes. God, can’t you get it over with, sir?

No, apparently he can’t, can’t stop leering at me like that Lord.Edrington. But that look. I’ve seen it before. It was on the quarterdeck the time I was studying, and my papers blew away; but that ended with me groveling at his feet, listening to lectures about Foster’s incompetence. Yet, I’ve seen this elsewhere, like when I returned from the Caroline and El Ferrol. But why does he glower so now, when I’m such a miserable failure.

I suppose he’s ashamed about what I’ve done to my uniform that I spent my savings on. I know he likes his officers well-dressed, and now I’m disgracing his image even more. Look how I ruined it at Muzillac, riding around like I was on some fox hunt., and no doubt that Lord told him about my comings and goings And it really, really doesn’t help having teary eyes and a runny nose when you’ve forgot your handkerchief.

Sir, please say something! Anything, sir! I can endure your words, your most violent outburst; but I can’t survive this silence, with your eyes staring at me like I’m a condemned man. Well, I already am damned, but perhaps he’s contemplating a court-marshal after looking over my list of crimes, all unaccountable losses for the Crown. Damn it, sir, I know I’m guilty, so please punish me swiftly!

Still, he does nothing but watch me like a predator. I know I’m prey, and quite prepared for that fate. So, sir, I’m ready for your inner-animal, your growls and snarls usually reserved for Frenchmen. I’m the perfect target, vulnerable from all points. So attack, sir. Attack!

He does nothing.

I can’t resist the temptation any longer to wipe my eyes and nose on my sleeve. I do so, knowing I look more ridiculous before him. I don’t desire to do this in his presence, or to my uniform, but the tears won’t stop. My emotional discipline has all but evaporated, making me the most ludicrous officer in the history of the Royal Navy.

Oh, hell! I spy myself in his glass, and I look worse than I feel. All that is reflected is my reddened face atop my blue and white uniform. God, I’m more scarlet than a Lobster, and have the colors of the Republican flag. Damn, seeing this doesn’t even stop my emotional stupidity, idiot that I am.

Huh? Why does Pellew have his hand on my shoulder? Oh, it’s probably to steady me before he slaps me. But he’s kept it there a moment, and done nothing. Why?

“Mister Hornblower.”

Oh dear God, my sentence to hell is finally beginning! I must endure this with whatever dignity I have left. I can at least have the courtesy to end my career with some pride, but I can barely meet his eyes. They burn, with something. But what? It doesn’t look like hellfire, but it smolders!

“Mister Hornblower!”

He bellows with his booming voice, now echoing in my head. But I can barely summon my own, as if the cat’s got it already.

“Yes, sir?”

He puts his other hand on my empty shoulder. Will he fulfill my punishment now, or handle me with more suspense?

“You understand the Captain’s burden, that he must bear alone with the heavy responsibility upon his shoulders, the burden of authority.”

I nod, knowing well and good, with the tears subsiding ever so slightly; but no doubt, this lecture will turn the tide again.

“It’s a necessary evil, one might say.”

He clears his throat, and I know my path has been chosen for me. He pauses a moment, as he always does before his most violent outbursts. Oh, his next words shall follow me to my grave, being the most harsh in human history. I am ready, sir, for the slings and arrow of defeat on the road my stupidity has lead me down. So, please, begin!

“But there are means of lessening this burden too.”

What did he just say?

“Mister Hornblower, are you listening?”

I don’t know if I’m imagining this, this sympathy from this great man of the sea. Maybe this is all a dream, or maybe I’m drowning, because this can’t be reality. Pellew would never show his emotions about his ship, his officers, because, well, it would lessen the greatness of a war god! But he gazes at me, and I can’t deny the softness of his eyes. Damn, my eyes are getting watery again, and I must stop this sentimental breakdown.

“Sir, I--I’m awaiting my--my punishment, sir.”

He chuckles like a drunkard. Damn, I must sound so stupid if I’m making him laugh like a seaman. Why am I always such an ignorant idiot in his presence? God, why do I have to be such a damned fool!

“Who said anything about punishment, lad?”

He continues to chuckle, his hands slowly sliding from my shoulders and down my arms.

“Sir?”

His dark eyes meet my own, burning like a whaler’s ship. I can just imagine his eyelashes catching afire, but he blinks to reveal something else; something that ignites a spark in me for an instant, as if I had a fire that needed rekindling of some sort.

“You and I are alike, Hornblower. We both try to have hearts of iron, but they are infallible, are they not sir?”

I have no idea how to respond, so I answer the safest of answers.

“Yes, sir.”

His hands move around my waist, touching me with the tenderness a mother gives her only child. But he does not pat my head with fatherly pride, or hug me with motherly pity. He reels me in like I’m a fish on his pole, the catch of the day, as he tugs me against his form that breathes heavily.

“Well, sir, I think you’re oblivious to my meaning!”

Oh God, I understand now as he, Captain Sir Edward Pellew, kisses me. And not just a peck on the check, but a tongue in my mouth! I don’t know what to do, but his tongue is licking the inside of my mouth like when powder is loaded into a cannon. What am I suppose to do? He is my Captain, and I his Lieutenant am bound to obey. But why does he press so hard on my neck with his lips, and why am I moaning as if grazed by gunfire?

“I take it, that the lesson is well learned now, Hornblower?”

He breathes on my neck, smelling of liquor. God, it smells so sweet, so delicious. And now I’m hungry, but is it I hunger for? He resumes kissing and licking my neck, and I close my eyes knowing. God, yes, this is more indulgent than a feast at Whitehall! This food, it makes the body and the mind growl. Especially my--

Oh God, this is exactly what I think it is, and I know that I want this, this ecstasy. But why has my Captain given me the pleasure of his company? I mean, I have failed his expectations time and again, tarnishing the greatness he’s spent years accumulating. Look at how many prize ships I’ve lost under his name, but still--

“Sir, I don’t--don’t understand--why, why me?”

His strong hands grab my face, and he stares and grins at me with glistening eyes.

“You, dear boy, should know the answer to that. Now, let’s get you out of that uniform!”