The curtains on stage open, revealing one Royal British Marine with the rank of Sergeant who is formally attired; he Sergeant Whiting, who served aboard the "Renown" without distinction. He approaches the podium in the front center of the stage, grasping the sealed Orders from the Lords of the Admiralty. He coughs as he stands before the audience of Naval Officers, the majority being Captains. He rests his hands atop the podium as he lays down the Orders, his hands trembling while he opens his mouth to speak

WHITING - Drunkenly Uh, hello. Good mornin'. Cheerio. I'm here to-

Sergeant Whiting collapses over the podium, but is forcefully shoved aside by some shadowed figured. It is revealed to be this short and stocky man clothed in the exquisitely tailored uniform of Steward for Lord Admiral. He approaches podium with aristocratic poise as he proceeds to unseal orders with the artistry of the best bistro chef in all of Europe.

DOUGHTY - Smiles I am James Doughty, Admiral's Steward. Well, I was Admiral's Steward until I became Captain's Steward, but I forced to desert, but I will tell you my woeful tale later, perhaps during the intermission of if some sailor has a long winded speech. Audience laughs heartily while Doughty reads the Orders Ahem, it is the beginning of the New Year, so allow us to reflect upon the last few by honoring the achievement of persons who have advanced the cause of fashion from the eighteenth to the nineteenth century. I am pleased to present nominations and victors for the Lord Edrington Naval Fashion Awards, to honor those style conscious few who shall perpetuate civilization forward by determining the answer to the most demanding question of any day--"What ever shall I wear?" Audience laughs The Lords of the Admiralty proudly present with the prestigious power endowed upon them by His Majestic Majesty--LORD EDRINGTON NAVAL FASHION AWARDS. Audience applauds The first category is for BEST DRESSED MAN are Lieutenant Anthony Bracegirdle, "The Examination for Lieutenant"; Naval Officers and Seaman cheer Lord Major Edrington, "The Frogs and the Lobsters"; Army Officers cheer and Commodore Sir Edward Pellew, "Retribution". Audience cheers enthusiastically Their Lords have selected Squeals Sir Edward Pellew, now Admiral himself!

Audience applauds as Pellew arises from chair to bow to audience who not only applaud, but cheer like children.

PELLEW - Clears his throats Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, the Admiralty and His Majesty; but Doughty, I believe this award was scheduled to be announced last.

DOUGHTY - Reads Orders Well, it is written here by Lord Hood that Best Dressed Man is to be read aloud first.

PELLEW - Raises arms Good God! That man has lost his mind yet again! Seats himself and turns to his wife Susannah, whatever will the Navy do if he remains in command? Rests his throbbing head between his trembling hands We will never defeat Boney this way!

SUSANNAH - Pats his arm Now, dear, remember your duty. Grins That's what you advise me whenever you are summoned by the Lords of the Admiralty.. Now stop pouting because I'm sure you'll be very victorious this evening. They're giving each winner a fine casket of Madeira.

PELLEW - Smiles Ah. yes!

DOUGHTY - Now, the nominations for BEST DRESSED WOMAN are Duchess Katherine Cobham, "The Duchess and the Devil"; Audience cheers, Mariette du Muzillac, "The Frogs and the Lobsters"; Audience jeers, and Maria Mason, "Duty" Audience jeers and Young Rakes throw vegetables at her mother.

MARIA - Cries infernally Horry, they're picking on my mother!

HORATIO - Raises eyebrow Oh, I hadn't noticed, but it's always good to see fresh vegetables. The men's morale will rise with that.

MARIA - Bawls infernally But look! Points at Young Rakes They're throwing rotten tomatoes!

HORATIO - Hmm, well, they look fresh to me.

DOUGHTY - I think someone has been eating too much of Styles' fine French cuisine. Audience laughs heartily Now, the fortunate lady who is Best Dressed Woman is the Duchess herself! Audience applauds Unfortunately, she couldn't be with us this evening, as she had a severe case of seasickness. Audience cries Now, she's sent her apologies and each one of you has tickets to her next production entitled "The Boy Who Would Be Captain". Audience cheers I hear it's auto-biographical, based upon the naval career of a fine young officer I had the opportunity to serve with, mysteriously known only as Mister Haitch; but I'm prohibited by revealing his name because he suffers from acute Modesticus Unegotisticalness.

BUSH - Bellows In plain English if you please!

DOUGHTY - Rolls his eyes He suffers from shyness. Severe, severe shyness. Now the nominations for BEST DRESSED LOBSTER is Lord Major Edrington, "The Frogs and the Lobsters". Audience cheers He's obviously the only victor, since no one else in the army is such a snazzy dresser. Does the Major have anything to say?

EDRINGTON - Smugly from atop Horse Well, I am to be addressed as Lord, for I am the Earl of Edrington. Audience laughs But I do say, the better dressed the men in the Army, the more victories they shall command at the King George Royal Fashion Awards. Army Officers cheerAfter all, just look at the Navy. Army Officers laugh and Naval Officers jeer

DOUGHTY - All well and good Major, uh, Lord. Now the nominations for BEST DRESSED FROG include Baron General Charette, "The Frogs and the Lobsters"-

OLDROYD -Vive le roi! Styles smacks him Hey!

Styles attempts to smack Oldroyd again, but Matthews intercedes.

MATTHEWS - Now, we don't want any trouble 'ere.

STYLES - But-

BUSH - Bellows Styles, take Matthews friendly word of advice or I will have you flogged around the fleet!

STYLES - But sir-

MATTHEWS - Through gritted teeth Styles, listen! You know 'e'll do it.

DOUGHTY - Sighs As I was saying, Best Dresses Frog nominees are Major Andre Cotard, "Loyalty" Audience roars and Colonel Marquis du Moncoutant, "The Frogs and the Lobsters". Audience Jeers The winner is Major Cotard!

Audience applauds as Cotard stands poised upon his chair, bowing most aristocratically

COTARD - Stares toward Bush I dedicate my award to Monsieur Bush, who I 'ad the 'onor of sharing a berth with aboard le "''Otspur". Females cheer I zank you in the name of France, uh, at least la France we 'ope to 'ave when we kick Bonaparte out! Audience cheers Et Bush, no more filthy curtains et canvas bags! I will petition le Admiralty to give you le finest lieutenant cabin in all of Europe! Females cheer I zank you all. Seats himself

Females continue to cheer fanatically, with a few fainting

DOUGHTY - Quiet please, young ladies. Now the BEST DRESSED SPAINARD goes to Don Alfredo de Massaredo, "The Duchess and the Devil", the only nomination since none of the other Spainards seem to have names. Well, there was Senora Ortega, but let me say this--she wasn't really dressed! Army and Naval Officers laugh He of course is stuck at El Ferrol, but he does dedicate his award to Captain Horatio Hornblower! Audience cheers

ORROCK - Three cheers for the Captain!

HOTSPUR CREW - Fanatically Hip hip, hooray! Hip hip, hooray! Hip hip, hooray!

Hornblower blushes and sinks into his seat, while Maria and her mother encourage him to bow to the audience.

DOUGHTY - Looks like he suffers from acute shyness too. Onward we go to the nominations for BEST DRESSED CAPTAIN with Dreadnought Luke Foster, "The Examination for Lieutenant"-

DREADNOUGHT CREW- Enthusiastically Use the Force Luke! Use the Force Luke! Use the Force Luke!

DOUGHTY - Rolls his eyes Black Charlie Hammond, "Retribution" Females jeer and Sir Edward Pellew, "The Even Chance"! Audience cheers And the winner is Squeals Oh my God! It's Pellew! Oh, Sir Edward! I'm so happy! I'm so happy! Tears well in his eyes Oh, two victories in one night!

PELLEW - Uneasily Well, I was only doing my duty.

SUSANNAH - See, I told you so Teddy! Kisses Pellew on the cheek

PELLEW - Whispers Yes dear, but you mustn�t call be Teddy is front of the men. Susan kisses Pellew on the lips Now dear-

SUSAN - Just wait, you'll snatch a few more prizes. After all, you are indefatigable when there are prizes to be had.

FOSTER - Angrily Pellew, I may be forced to commandeer command of this award ceremony if you have anymore victories!

HAMMOND - Shut up, sir, or I'll help preside over your court marshal!

FOSTER - Stands up forcefully Really? Unsheathes pistol Well, it'll be a duel for us tomorrow at dawn, man. You'll never sit your fat ass anymore committees, with your sword up your ass!

HAMMOND - Stands up furiously I take offense sir!

FOSTER - I take offense just sitting in the same room with you!

PELLEW - Screams Quiet! One more outburst out of either of you will shipwreck you permanently on half pay! Now sit down and shut up! Crosses his arms Now continue Doughty.

DOUGHTY - Clears throat Ahem, thank you Sir Edward! Audience cheers Well now it's time for the nominees for BEST DRESSED LIEUTENANT with Anthony Bracegirdle, "The Examination for Lieutenant", Naval Officers cheer William Bush, "Mutiny", Females cheer and Horatio Hornblower, "The Frogs and the Lobsters". Audience cheers The winner is, oh my, Bracegirdle?

Bracegirdle comes upon stage, bowing to the audience who wildly cheers. He stands perfectly poised before the podium as he smiles mischievously.

BRACEGIRDLE - Officers of both the Army and Navy, Audience cheers one can never have enough clean shirts and stockings, so I shall petition the Admiralty to address this problem with the utmost importance. If Britain is to be the Mother of all nations, we must be the best dressed in the world! Audience roars Thank you! Thank you! Bows as he departs the stage

DOUGHTY - Sighs Well, I never! I was so sure Hornblower was going to win! Females and Hotspur Crew cheer So onward to the BEST DRESSED MIDSHIPMAN! The nominees are Clayton, "The Even Chance"; Charles Orrock, "Loyalty"; and Henry Wellard, "Mutiny".

SIMPSON - Stands up with pistols in each hand What about me, Snotty? Audience jeers I deserve to win!

DOUGHTY - Well, no one likes you. You picked on Hornblower and Kennedy. Audience applauds Now, haul him away Marines! Let�s not waste any gunpowder on him.

Marines haul Simpson away, who struggles maliciously to escape

SIMPSON - Cries I'll be back for you! I will! I will! Just wait until my descendents move to Springfield! Just you wait! Exits with Marines

DOUGHTY - I suppose that was our entertainment, provided by Admiral Hood. Audience laughs So who's the Best Dressed Midshipman? Squeals I can't read this! It looks like someone spilled some ink, some ink mixed with pepper-

STYLES - Bitterly Well, maybe they realized they made some bad choices. Like where's Mista 'Ornblowa? Females cheer wildly Or Kennedy? Females cheer more fanatically Or even that 'ardass Bush? Females cheer even more insanely Listen, they're on my side! The people know! Audience applauds with fervor

DOUGHTY - Furiously You bloody fool! Runs offstage to confront Styles You ruin everything! Everything!

STYLES - Pushes Doughty aside It's time I someone else took ova this show! Struts down the aisle with Doughty following I know 'ow to make things fun!

Bush arises from seat to confront Styles

BUSH - You are not going to ruin this award show!

STYLES - But sir! Doughty jumps on the back of Styles as if he is to receive some piggy-back ride, but Styles spins in circles until both collapse to the floor with severe dizziness with Doughty nearly unconscious But sir!

BUSH - Shakes his head No Styles, because this show is going to be hosted by-

COTARD - Arrogantly Moi! Coughs Et Monsieur Bush! Females cheer Come along, William! Approaches Bush and hauls him onstage by his collar as Females scream.

BUSH - Struggles to escape But I hate giving speeches and- Cotard lets go off Bush

COTARD - Approaches podium and reads Orders for one moment I am now host. Moi! Only me! Moi! Now, um, let me see. Oh, next are les nominees for BEST DRESSED WARRANT OFFICER with Master Bowles, "The Frogs and the Lobsters"; Gunner Hobbs, "Retribution"; Audience jeers and Master Prowse, "Duty". The winner is Master Bowles. Audience cheers Who is zis Bowles fellow?

BUSH - Rolls his eyes Everyone in the Fleet knows how Bracegirdle and Bowles are in an eternal game of acey-deucy. Naval Officers laugh Last time I heard, Bowles was champion. Naval Officers applaud

BOWLES - From seat That's right! And I dedicate my award to Bracegirdle, the Best Dressed Lieutenant! Audience cheers

BRACEGIRDLE - To the Best Dressed Warrant Officer! Audience cheers

COTARD - Whatever. Now for the BEST DRESSED SEAMAN, les nominees are Matthews, "Retribution"; Seamen cheer Oldroyd, "The Frogs and the Lobsters"; and Styles, "Loyalty". Award for seaman? Zose creatures zat make mildew canvas bags et dirty curtains? I will not go near zat filth! Runs offstage followed by Females

BUSH - Nears podium Command of these ceremonies has been thrust upon me, but no one should envy this position. Females cheer as he reads Orders The Best Dressed Seaman is Matthews! Audience applauds A more reasonable choice could not be made! Seamen cheer

MATTHEWS - Thank you, sir! It's an 'onor, sir! Audience cheers

BUSH - Continues to read The nominees for BEST DRESSED SURLY SEAMAN are Bunting, "The Examination for Lieutenant"; Randall, "Mutiny"; Seamen jeer and Styles, "The Even Chance". Bloody hell, the winner is Styles. Audience roars

STYLES - Comes upon stage to hug Bush Thank you sir! Thank you sir! Audience cheers

BUSH - Blushes The audience is watching us-

STYLES - Teary-eyes I 'aven't eva won anything in me life! Kisses Bush on the cheek Thank you sir! I dedicate me award to all the chickens out there. God bless you! ,Hugs Bush tightly Oh, thanks again, sir!

BUSH - Pushes Styles aside as he resumes reading The nominees for BEST DRESSED IN WET CLOTHING are, well, um--William Bush, "Retribution"; Females cheer insanely Horatio Hornblower, "The Even Chance"; Audience cheers and Oldroyd, "The Frogs and the Lobsters". The winner, thankfully, is not me, Females jeer but Oldroyd! Audience applauds

OLDROYD - Vive le roi! I won! Runs onstage Thank you, sir! Hugs Bush and Styles I knew that the bucket o' water they threw at me would bring me luck someday! Styles smacks Oldroyd Hey! I just won!

STYLES - So did I! Smacks Oldroyd

BUSH - Bellows Belay that men! I have an audience to entertain! Females cheer insanely

HOBBS - A little sport never hurt anyone! Seamen cheer

PELLEW - Furiously Quiet, or the Captains here will have you flogged around the fleet! Seamen are silent Good, now on with the show Mister Bush!

BUSH - Shakes his head annoyed Thank you sir. Reads annoyed What type of category is this? Oh well, the nominees for BEST SHIRTLESS are me in "Retribution"; Females cheer Horatio Hornblower, "The Even Chance"; Audience cheers and Matthews, "Retribution" Seamen cheer Oh, bloody hell, I'm the winner. Audience cheers wildly, especially the Females while Bush blushes Who the hell came up with this category? Enter Cotard You again?

COTARD - Oui. I suggested it because I should be le champion! Removes cape and shirt while Females cheer Look at moi! I look like les Greco-Roman sculptures! Look at zis torso, so classical! Females cheer enthusiastically, while some begin to faint See, the women cannot deny la beauty of le Frenchman. Why do we speak le language of love? Audience jeers What is zis? Booing? Teary-eyed But I am Lord of la Dance-

BUSH - Remember, mon ami, that you are in England. Cotard struts offstage Well now, nominees for BEST HAT are Lord Edrington, "The Frogs and the Lobsters"; Army Officers cheer Horatio Hornblower, "The Examination for Lieutenant"; Audience cheers and Sir Edward Pellew, "Retribution" Audience cheers zealously The champion of this round is Lord Edrington! Army Officers cheer while Seamen jeer May I congratulate you, Lord?

EDRINGTON - Haughtily from atop Horse Well, you should also thank the Army, for they do have the most perfect hats in all of Europe. Army cheers Unfortunately, most Naval gentlemen have decided to wear their hats in the most atrocious manner. Audience laughs

DOUGHTY - Clears throat Sir, I believe it is time for refreshments.

EDRINGTON - Blinks Oh, yes.

DOUGHTY - Approaches stage I will resume my hosting duties, if you please.

BUSH - The honor is all yours. Departs from stage as Doughty approaches podium, but he must attempt to evade ecstatic Females.

DOUGHTY - Clears his throat Now, refreshments are courtesy the Betsey Bonaparte Foundation for the Freedom of Jerome Bonaparte the Unjustly Imprisoned Brother of Napoleon Bonaparte Audience jeers How can you criticize their catering? It cost the taxpayers nothing! After all, I did all the cooking myself. Admirals cheer The Lords of the Admiralty could tell you how my delicacies delight the prestigious palate of all persons, at least those who don't put pepper on everything. Audience laughs And for the entertainment of the ear, the most melodious music is provided by the Rock Scorpions of Southampton Row. Audience applauds Now, ladies and gentlemen, Lords and Admirals, the Rock Scorpions! Midshipmen and Seamen scream fanatically

ROCK SCORPIONS - Sing and dance like drunken seamen Where can you find fine grog/And shot some dandy Frogs/Or get hung from yardarms/And receive battle scars/On the land or on the sea/Where you can learn to fight/In topmasts and on deck/Or get in a shipwreck/Get pressed in to service/And give the Gunner's Daughter a kiss/Or pick on midshipmen in sight/On the Indy/Yes, you can sail the Seven Seas/On the Indy/Yes, you can put your mind at ease/On the Indy/Come on now, people, make a stand/On the Indy, the Bloody Indy!/Can't you see we need a hand/On the Indy/Come on, protect Great Britain/On the Indy/Come on and join your fellow man/On the Indy/Come on people, and make a stand/On the Indy, the Bloody Indy!/They need you, they need you/They press you as a new recruit/If you like adventures/Don't wait for the pressers/Come aboard the frigate fast/Don't you hesitate/There's no need to wait/The Fleet's going after Boney's Ass/Come aboard and get a gun/To shot those damn Frogs/Don't you worry 'bout a thing/Because your Captain will see/There's always the Navy/Protecting the land and sea/On the Indy/Yes, you can sail the Seven Seas/On the Indy/Yes, you can put your mind at ease/On the Indy/Come on now, people, make a stand/On the Indy, the Bloody Indy!/Can't you see we need a hand/On the Indy/Come on, protect Great Britain/On the Indy/Come on and join your fellow man/On the Indy/Come on people, and make a stand /On the Indy, the Bloody Indy!/They need you, they need you/They press you as a new recruit/Who me?/They need you, they need you/They press you as a new recruit /But, I'm afraid of water and-/Man, hey look-/That's the man that got seasick in Spithead!/They need you, they need you on the Indy!/Oh my goodness/What am I gonna do on a frigate?/They need you, they need you on the Indy! Midshipmen and Seamen scream fanatically

DOUGHTY - Ah, quiet please! Midshipmen and Seamen continue to squeal and scream insanely Ahem, quiet please! Clears throat Silence!

PELLEW - Bellows Quiet! Midshipmen and Seamen are silent Thank you gentlemen.

DOUGHTY - Well, I apologize to the aristocrats present, but the Admiralty has limited funds for entertainment since Admiral Hood needed to purchase the most pompous wig in Portsmouth. Navy Officers chuckle Now, the next category is for BEST BOOTS. The nominees are Andre Cotard, "Loyalty"; Females cheer Lord Edrington, "The Frogs and the Lobsters"; Army Officers cheer and Archie Kennedy, "The Frogs and the Lobsters" Audience cheers hysterically

FEMALES - Desperately Archie! Archie! Archiie! Several faint Archie! Archie! Oh, Archie!

DOUGHTY - Rolls his eyes The winner is, uh, Archie? Audience cheers hysterically

EDRINGTON - Arrogantly His boots were of French design!

COTARD - Indignantly Why, I wear les finest boots in all of Europe. Look at my beautiful calves! Females cheer

EDRINGTON - My horse has finer calf muscles than any Frenchman! Army Officers cheer

ARCHIE - Enters onstage to hysterical cries Unfortunately for you fine and fashionable gentlemen, it was decided I am more handsome in boots. Audience cheers wildly

COTARD - Flabbergasted But I have les sexiest calves in le world!

EDRINGTON - Smirks I am afraid Major, you are quite mistaken. Horse nods in agreement

ARCHIE - I am afraid the Lords of the Admiralty bestowed that honor upon Lieutenant Bracegirdle. Naval Officers laugh Now, I do suggest you enter some contest for scrawniest calve muscles with Captain Hornblower, Horatio blushes who has been known to fill his stockings with the terrible cooking of Styles. Audience laughs as he departs from stage

DOUGHTY - Places hands on his hips Well, are you gentlemen done with your duel?

COTARD AND EDRINGTON - No!

DOUGHTY - Sighs, Well, you better, Mister Bush will strum you both up by your thumbs. Audience laughs Now, we move into the hair and make-up department. The nominations for BEST POWDERED WIG are Clive, "Retribution"; Audience jeers Keane, "The Even Chance"; Prowse, "Loyalty". Hotspur Crew cheers The winner is, by some misfortune, Doctor Clive.

CLIVE - Scuffles across stage as he is extraordinarily drunk Well, thank you. Thank you, very much. Can I have my Madeira now? Hiccups Well, what are you all looking at? Never seen a nice wig like mine? You can't have it! Hiccups It was a gift from Captain Sawyer when we first went to the West Indies and got yellow fever. And Mister Buckland, Acting-Captain Buckland, you were never, never were in the West Indies. Hiccups Does anyone have any laudanum? Hiccups Thank you. Thank you! I shake it! Dances across the stage Where's the Madeira? Hiccups

ARCHIE - Rolls his eyes Doctor Clive, will you please stop prevaricating?

CLIVE - I am a Doctor! You can't tell me what to do! Hiccups I'll tell Captain Sawyer. He'll flog you. Collapses upon stage near the feet of Doughty

DOUGHTY - Oh dear! A man drunk on duty! Seamen chuckle Well, we'll put him in irons! Marines! Marines haul drunken Clive offstage Now onward we go to nominees for BEST HAIR WORN BOUND. Those fortunate few, with a full head of hair mind you, Audience giggles are William Bush, "Loyalty"; Females cheer Lord Edrington, "The Frogs and the Lobsters"; Army Officers cheer and Squeals Sir Edward Pellew, "The Wrong War"! The winner is, uh, my god! Cries, Oh, Sir Edward! You won again! Audience cheers intensely

HORATIO - Smiles Sir, Congratulations!

PELLEW - Grins Well, I will be certain to bestow some of my fine Madeira upon you, since I noticed a shortage of prizes in your honor.

HORATIO - Blushes Please, sir, it is the choice of the Admiralty. I do not-

MASON - Pounces upon Horatio You listen here, young rake. You owe my Maria some good beverages!

BUSH - I believe you speak of yourself, Misses Mason.

MASON - Sneers I didn't ask you, you knave! But Horatio better be good to my Maria! Seats herself He's got her knocked up, he did! Audience laughs Don't know how when he'd rather sleep with his ship, that wooden whore!

BUSH - As you would sleep with a bottle of gin. Audience laughs

ARCHIE - Perhaps we ought to make her acquaintance with the Lieutenant who was caught napping? Audience laughs furiously

DOUGHTY - Well, now the nominations for BEST HAIR WORN UNBOUND are Horatio Hornblower, "The Even Chance"; Audience cheers Archie Kennedy, "The Duchess and the Devil"; Audience cheers hysterically and James Sawyer, "Retribution" Seamen jeer. The winner is, well, who else but-

MASON - Runs onstage Horry! Horry! Horry!

DOUGHTY - Shakes his head No, it is Archie! Audience squeals delightfully

MASON - Bah! Exits from stage

ARCHIE - Nudges Horatio Now we really can drink Portsmouth dry Horatio! Horatio pouts Don't worry man! There's still a few more awards to go!

HORATIO - Mumbles But I never get prizes from the Admiralty!

DOUGHTY - Now, there are three categories left. The nominees for BEST SCARS are Buckland, "Retribution"; Audience jeers Dreadnought Luke Foster, "The Examination for Lieutenant"-

DREADNOUGHT CREW - Use the Force Luke! Use the Force Luke! Use the Force Luke!

DOUGHTY - Sighs Horatio Hornblower, "The Even Chance". Audience cheers hysterically

MARIA - Kisses Horatio on cheek Oh, Horry, I know you'll win this one!

HORATIO - Through gritted teeth Maria, please don't kiss me in public-

MARIA - Cries infernally But I love you! Mother! Horatio's being an insensitive bastard again!

MASON - Well, if Mister Mason were here-

BUSH - Yes, what would Mister Mason do?

MASON - He'd beat the crap out of rakes like you!

STYLES - Mumbles I'd like to see that!

MATTHEWS - Grumbles Styles, man, watch yourself!

DOUGHTY - Clears throat Ahem, well the winner is, uh, it's a tie. A tie? Pauses Oh well, it goes to Dreadnought Foster and Horatio Hornblower! Audience goes into hysterics

MARIA - Oh, Horry! Kisses Horatio on the lips Oh Horry! Hugs Horatio with death grip

HORATIO - Gasps I...can't...breathe!

MASON - Teary-eyed I think this is the happiest day of my life! Kisses Bush on the lips

BUSH - Forcefully shoves Mason from himself Madame, that is unbecoming behavior for a widow!

MASON - Leans toward Bush But I really like young rakes! Young Rakes cheer

FEMALES - Insanely Horry! Horry! Horry!

MARIA - They love you, dearie!

HORATIO - I...need...air! Help...me!

DOUGHTY - And our next category is for BEST MAKE-UP, with nomination for Duchess Katherine Cobham, "The Duchess and the Devil"; Audience cheers Misses Mason, "Duty"; Young Rakes cheer and Marquis de Moncoutant, "The Frogs and the Lobsters". Audience jeers intensely Well, the winner here is-

MASON - Me!

MARIA- Squeezes Horatio tighter Horry!

HORATIO - GaspsHelp.....me.....some....bo......dy.....please..... I.....am.....die�ing�..

DOUGHTY - No, the winner is Archie! Audience becomes hysterical, especially Females Well, what does Lieutenant Kennedy have to say?

KENNEDY - Smiles Well, it did help us defeat the Spanish.

BUSH - Grumbles And prove what a voyeur you are.

KENNEDY - Did you say something Mister Bush?

BUSH - Oh, congratulations!

KENNEDY - And congratulations to you, winning Best Shirtless! Audience aughs

DOUGHTY - Well, it's two o'clock in the morning in Portsmouth. It's time for a late dinner, would anyone like crumpets?