The Steward James Doughty enters into the claustrophobic cabin of Captain Horatio Hornblower, bearing the pewter breakfast service he bought for his commanding officer. Horatio slouches behind his cluttered desk, surrounded by unfinished paperwork. His eyes are bloodshot and he his hands are stained with ink, as he prepares to address letters to his wife, Maria.

DOUGHTY - Chipper Good morning, sir. Sets breakfast tray upon table Today I have prepared you the most delightful breakfast. It includes two sausages and two eggs, the freshest to be had from the chickens. Sighs I do not know how Styles is able to get them to lay, but he truly does the most splendid job. These eggs are quite unlike those Misses Mason use to send--

HORATIO - Annoyed It sounds pleasant, Doughty, Leans forward to inspect breakfast but is the coffee ready?

DOUGHTY - Pauses Sir, I regret to inform you that you drank the last of the reserves yesterday morning and--

HORATIO - Coughs Damn it! Pounds fists upon table, scattering paperwork to the floor I demand coffee and I demand it now!

DOUGHTY - Nervously while wringing his hands Yes, sir, but I will have to prepare you the coffee substitute.

HORATIO - Arises forcefully I said I demand coffee now!

DOUGHTY - But sir, there is none in supply aboard this vessel. Perhaps some rum would suffice-

HORATIO - Stomps feet, shaking his oaken desk No! No! No!

DOUGHTY - Sir, I-

HORATIO - Pulls Doughty by his collar across the desk If I don't get my morning coffee, I become an insensitive bastard.

DOUGHTY - Smiles uneasily Yes, sir.

HORATIO - Narrows his eyes Is that sarcasm in your voice? Removes hold from Doughty, pushing him toward the cabin door If it is, I'll flog you myself. Bellows Pass the word for Mister Matthews!

Outside the cabin, the marine guard sprints down the narrow corridor toward the deck, desperately searching for Boatswain Matthews. His footsteps echo throughout the ship, his heavy boots clomping like horseshoes upon cobblestone streets. One minute later, the gentle gait of Matthews can he heard plodding down the corridor.

DOUGHTY - Anxiously Sir, with all due respect-

HORATIO - Roars Shut up, you--you pussy!

Enter Boatswain Matthews with rattan.

MATTHEWS - Salutes Captain Hornblower, sir!

HORATIO - Smiles Matthews, I need coffee.

MATTHEWS - Clears throat I'm afraid there are none in the stores, sir. We�ll have to wait until the next supply ship in three weeks.

HORATIO - Frowns with narrowed eyes Are you sure?

MATTHEWS - Nods Yes, sir.

HORATIO - I don't believe you. Screams Pass the word for Mister Bush! Paces throughout cabin while the marine guard scampers in search of First and Only Lieutenant William Bush He never tells a lie. He's too honest. He knows what's going on. Laughs maniacally And if you're lying, he'll let you know the back of his hand.

MATTHEWS - Confused Sir?

HORATIO - Ceases to pace Don't play ignorant with me, Matthews.

DOUGHTY - Whispers to Matthews Pardon my language, I think the Captain has gone nuts. Matthews nods in agreement.

HORATIO - Wide-eyed Nuts! Where? I like a shot of hazelnut in my coffee! Coffee-

Enter William with stealth.

WILLIAM - Soothingly You summoned me, sir?

HORATIO - Clears throat Yes, Mister Bush. Now you can tell me. Grins William, is there any coffee aboard this vessel?

WILLIAM - Pauses There are no authentic coffee beans, sir. But I am certain the substitute can be brewed quite handsomely by your steward.

DOUGHTY - Beams Thank you, sir.

HORATIO - Screeches Did I say this is time to chit chat? Pounds fist upon his desk, shaking the breakfast service This isn't social hour. I need coffee, damn you all!

WILLIAM - Growls Horatio, I think you are overreacting.

HORATIO - Did I ask for your opinion? Sighs I'm sorry, William. I really am, but is there any Coffea arabica or canephora?

WILLIAM - Raises eyebrows Sir?

HORATIO - Oh, never mind. Paces throughout cabin This is hopeless. Utterly, perpetually hopeless.

The cabin door bursts open bombastically. Enter Midshipman Orrock with flushed complexion

ORROCK - Pants Sir, we've spotted something off the starboard!

BUSH - Grumbles Mister Orrock, only the Captain's steward may enter without knocking!

ORROCK - Pants But there's a battle out there-

HORATIO - Smirks Well, a battle. Everyone, on deck!

WILLIAM - Bellows Beat to quarters!

Exit Horatio, William, Matthews, and Doughty. They sprint stealthfully toward the quarterdeck, with Horatio hanging his tongue out as if he were panting. Master Prowse stands watch, grimacing as he observes the battle through his glass.

HORATIO - Happily Mister Prowse, report!

PROWSE - Removes glass from his eye Sir, it's two cargo ships. One's an Englishman, the other those damn Spanish.

HORATIO - Beams Spanish you say?

PROWSE - Nods Aye, sir.

HORATIO - Well, well. Holds out his hands with upturned palms Glass!

Orrock surrenders his glass to Horatio.

ORROCK - Excited Can you identify them, sir?

HORATIO - Rises glass to his squinting eye Oh my! Squeals Oh my goodness! Lowers glass from his widened eyes This is the best news I've had all morning!

ORROCK - Sir?

HORATIO - Passes glass back to Orrock Mister Bush, it's time to prepare a boarding party or two. Rubs hands together fervently We're going to take them both.

WILLIAM - Aghast Sir, one of them is English!

HORATIO - Shakes head defiantly I don't care. I've never had any prizes and now I'll have the best in the whole damned Navy! Bellows*Don't you people know those are the first coffee ships sighted in these waters since 1801! It's a damnable miracle!

ORROCK - Nervously What ships are they, sir?

HORATIO - Grins as points toward battle scene Mister Orrock, those jewels are the Starbuck and Juan Valdez. The best coffee in all creation is to be found there! And rumor has it, the steward on the Starbuck is the best brewer of coffee. Hello to lattes, mochas, caramochas, cappuccinos, rappuccinos, frappuccinos, crappuccinos, and alpaccinos!

DOUGHTY - Aghast with sweat drops upon his forehead Sir, I take offense! I'm the best steward in the Fleet!

HORATIO - Sticks out his tongue at Doughty But you're not Italian. So there! I want not just black coffee, but espresso! Yeah, and frothy milk on top with a shot of hazelnut! Now everyone, prepare to attack!

WILLIAM - Soothingly But Horatio, to attack an English vessel-

HORATIO - Screams I need that steward! I need my own barista! I demand coffee, and I demand it with style!

DOUGHTY - Grumbles as he crosses his arms Perhaps I shall mend your uniforms, sir?

HORATIO - Distracted What? Whatever. Stomps forcefully upon the quarterdeck No, I demand coffee! I need some Folgers in my pewter cup. Bellows Men, fire at the mast of the Juan Valdez. We want that ship intact or no coffee for anyone--ever again! Foams at the mouth as he rubs his hands conniving