Bill worked in a pickle
factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one
day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to
stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a
sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed.
He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill
came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was
seriously wrong.
"What's wrong,
Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I
told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you
didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what
happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what
happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired
too."
This guy just started at his
new job, working at a porno shop. His boss comes out and tells him that he has
to leave for a while, and "can you handle it? " The new employee is
somewhat reluctant, but with the boss's positive comments he finally agrees. So,
the guy is there by himself for a little while and a white woman comes in.
She asks, "How much for
the white dildo?"
He answers, "$35."
She: "How much for the
black one?"
He: "$35 for the black
one, $35 for the white one."
She: "I think I'll take
the black one. I've never had a black one before." She pays him, and off
she goes.
A little bit later a black
woman comes in and asks "How much for the black dildo?"
He: "$35."
She: "How much for the
white one?"
He: "$35 for the white
one, $35 for the black one."
She: "Hmmm...I think
I'll take the white one. I've never had a white one before..." She pays
him, and off she goes.
About an hour later a young
blonde woman comes in and asks, "How much are your dildos?"
He: "$35 for the white,
$35 for the black."
She: "Hmmmmm....how
much is that plaid one on the shelf?"
He:"Well, that's a very
special dildo...it'll cost you $165."
She thinks for a moment and
answers, "I'll take the plaid one, I've never had a plaid one
before...." She pays him, and off she goes.
Finally, the guy's boss
returns and asks, "How did you do while I was gone?"
To which the salesman
responded, "I did really good, I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and
I sold your thermos for $165!"
Three men had a very late
night drinking Guiness. They left in the early morning hours and went home
separately. They met the next day for an early pint, and compared notes about
who was drunker.
The first guy claims that he
was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home, walked into the house,
and as soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks."
To which the second guy
replied, "You think that was drunk? I got in my car, drove out of the
parking lot, and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have
insurance!"
And the third proclaimed,
"I was by far the most drunk. I got home, got in a big fight with my wife,
knocked a candle over and burned the whole house down!"
There was silence for a
moment and then the first guy exclaimed, "Listen, guys, I don't think you
understand... Chunks is my dog."
Two guys are in a strip
joint, one is sitting in front of the other. A woman comes on stage and starts
stripping.
The guy in back
says,"Oh yeah, Oh yeah!"
Then the first guys turns
around and says,"hey man, shut up!" Then two women come out and start
stripping.
The guy in back, once again,
starts,"Yeah baby..mmmm....yeah!"
Once again the guy in front
turns around and tells the man to be quiet. So three women come out and start
stripping. The guy in back is silent.
The guy in front
says,"Hey man, where's all your excitement now?"
The guy behind him
says,"All over your back!"
A man walks into a public
bathroom and begins using one of the urinals. He looks to his left and sees a
very short man peeing also. Suddenly, the short man looks up at the taller man,
and the taller man is completely embarrassed about staring at the smaller man's
penis.
"Sorry," says the
taller man."I'm not gay or anything, but you have the longest penis I've
ever seen, especially on a man so small!"
"Well," says the
Leprechaun, "That's because I'm a Leprechaun! ALL Leprechauns have penises
this size!" The taller man says, "Incredible! I'd give anything if
mine were that long."
"Well, what with me
being a Leprechaun and all, I can give you your wish! If you let me take you
into that stall over there and screw you, I'll give you your wish!"
"Gee," says the
man, "I don't know about that----aw hell with it, OK!"
Soon, the Leprechaun is
behind the taller man, just humping away.
"Say," says the
Leprechaun, "How old are you, son?"
Finding it difficult to turn
with the Leprechaun humping him so ferociously, the tall man says over his
shoulder, "Uh-Uh, Thirty-two..."
"Imaging that, "
says the little man, "Thirty-two and still believes in Leprechauns!"
Two career drunks were
extremely thirsty one Saturday night and decided to go to the store to get some
cheap booze.
In the store, the first
drunk says, "All right, I have 87 cents; how much do you have?"
His friend replies, "I
have a dollar. What can we get for $1.87?"
The first spots a big
Italian sausage on the rack for only $1.80 and has a great idea. "Hey,
here's what we can do" he says. "We'll buy that sausage there and put
it in my pants. We'll go into a bar and order drinks. After the drinks are gone,
I'll pull out the sausage and you start sucking on it. They'll kick us out of
the bar and we won't have to pay!"
The second drunk agrees and
they head off to the bar. They walk in and order two beers and drink them down.
When the beer is gone,the first drunk whips the sausage out and the second
starts sucking on it.
"What the hell are you
doing? Get out of my bar!" says the bartender, and the two run out
laughing.
"That was great, and it
didn't cost us a cent" says the second drunk.
"Let's do it
again!" So off they run to another bar for a repeat performance. This
continues through the night. At the end of the night, after about the 20th bar,
the second drunk says "Man what a great night. All this drinking is making
me hungry. Hey, pull out that sausage and let's eat it."
"Sausage?" says
the first. "I ate the sausage about eight bars ago!"
This Indian boy goes to his
mother one day with a puzzled look on his face.
"Say, mom, why is my
bigger brother named Mighty Storm?"
She told him, "Because
he was conceived during a mighty storm."
Then he asked, "Why is
my sister named Cornflower?"
She replied, "Well,
your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her."
"And why is my other
sister called Moonchild?"
The mother said, "We
were watching the moon landing while she was conceived."
Mother Indian paused and
asked her son, "Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?"
"Jane" was
becoming frustrated with her husband's insistence that they have sex in the
dark. Hoping to free her husband from his inhibitions, during a passionate
evening, she flipped on the lamp-only to discover a cucumber in his hand.
"Is THIS what you've
been using on me for the past 10 years!?!"
"Honey! Let me
explain!"
"Why you sneaky
bastard!" she screamed. "You impotent SOB!!"
"Speaking of
sneaky!" he interrupted, Maybe you'd care to explain our 2 kids!!!"
A young man goes into a drug
store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or
12 and asks which the young man wants.
"Well," he said,
"I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the
condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner
with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get
lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd
better give me the 12 pack."
The young man makes his
purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his
girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they
agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.
The girl leans over and
says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."
He leans over to her and
says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."