another attempt to find myself, I decided to journey to India. An age-old
obsession with religion has pushed me in all sorts of directions in search of
the right one for me. Christianity had long ago worn out its welcome. The
search came to an impasse when I virtually exhausted all the resources in the
states. It was time for India; the thought had been in the back of my mind for
a long time. I plotted and planned for almost a year, gathering brochures,
magazines, books, and videos. A Hindu tour guide�s ad in the most tattered of
the brochures read: �Siva Tours: Your guide to Bengal.� I called the number and
booked a tour.
Three weeks later I boarded a plane and invented a new type of boredom
repellent involving a pack of peanuts and six coffee stirs. What seemed like an
eternity later, we landed at a minuscule airport in southern India. I gathered
the little luggage that I had, and less that gracefully removed myself from the
plane. I met my tour guide, Vishal, in a little shack that he called his home
and business. It was barren except in one corner there sat a tiny jeweled Siva.
He explained that it had cost him the equivalent of fifty American dollars. It
was humbling that this man loved his god so much that he would devote so much
of his livelihood to a tiny representation. Grabbing a backpack from the floor,
we headed out into the forest. We walked for three days, stopping at various
relics or holy places and to sleep. Every night I would zip all of my
belongings up with me inside a sleeping bag length bug-netting tent. (The
mosquitoes over there are the size of B52�s.) On the afternoon of the third day
I noticed Vishal giving me an odd look. I didn�t think anything of it at the
time but in retrospect I was bent over my backpack replacing my long tattered
copy of The Vampire Lestat, when my pentacle necklace spilled from my collar
and caught the sunlight. Very few people have a positive thought when that
happens. He must have made his decision then. I would never see him again�
Friday September 7th:
8:00am- I figure that I�m going to die out here� I should write down my
last days�
I just woke up and Vishal is gone. My side burns. I must have gotten into some
poison or something. My belongings are strewn all over the ground. Poor Lestat
has been torn to bits�apparently he�s not an Anne Rice fan� I don�t know what
the hell I did to him?! My larger sketchbook is gone. All that�s here is one
picture of my dear Lestat de Lioncourt and Louis de Pointe du Lac. I�m not sure
whether it was the vampires or the homosexual undertones that made him leave
this picture, crumpled and torn as it is. Luckily, this tiny sketchbook that I
always carry with me was still in my pocket, along with this pencil. I�m going
to go see if there is anything to eat around here� stupid me skipped dinner
last night and now this!!
12:00pm- I�ve been walking for hours and there is nothing around here except
monkeys! I�m not prepared to eat monkey� I stopped by a small pond, I don�t
think it�s very sanitary to drink though� it was suitable for a swim and
discovered why my side was burning� that bastard carved �Kali� into my skin!
(Kali is the Hindu blood goddess, not a nice chick) he must have gotten the
wrong idea about me from my novel and sketchbook, and I bet the pentacle didn�t
help� if you� hmm..you... I don�t even know who is reading this� but
if �whoever you are� has ever seen Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, the
goddess that the psychos in that movie worship is Kali, yeah the big scary
skull clad chick� I would imagine he�s told the rest of his hyper-paranoid
villager buddies that I�m some vampire goddess from hell� and now I�m stuck out
here in the middle of no where� all alone.
11:00pm- I miss my sweetie, whoever finds this, tell him I love him� because
I�m going to die out here. I won�t be able to tell him myself. I can�t keep
myself awake� I hope I survive the night� it�s dark, the forest is moving and
speaking in tongues�
Monday September 10th:
6:00am- the dew pooled up in the leaves, it�s the first drop of water
I�ve tasted in 30hrs� I don�t even like water� this is the best I�ve ever
tasted� I�m going to walk some more� find food I hope, maybe find some
civilization � tell him I love him.
4:00pm- sorry I haven�t written all day, it�s been so exciting� I tore off a
branch from a tree in anger; it was sharp on the torn end� I found a stream� my
first attempts at spear fishing were� well, rather crappy� I found a tiny
cave with an alter inside� there were offerings including a bottle of anointing
oil, some incense, the femur from some small animal� cat sized, a tiny figure
of a spotted cat, and a necklace made of claws. I went back to the stream and
actually caught a fish! It took about four hours of cursing and missing and
cursing some more, but I got the little bastard! I set up a new camp and used
the bottom of the bottle (I cleaned it out in the pond) to catch the sunlight
and start a fire � burn little fishy burn� I might survive this after all�
7:00pm- the fire is still burning though I fear it will go out over night� I
cooked the fish thoroughly. I used the animal bone to grind up some fruits and
make a sauce of sorts to dip the fish in. I don�t know what kind of fish it was
but boy, it was the best fish I�ve ever tasted� I was so hungry� I think I�ll
go to bed early� I hope the fire lasts�
Wed September 12th:
4:00am- I awoke with a start to find a jaguar sitting on the other side
of my fire, staring at me. She tilted her head and gave me a look that was
incredible� like that of a mother to a child, but coming from this animal that
I had never seen before� I realized then that my soul searching was over. She
came to me in the forest, in India. She said everything was going to be OK�
that She was looking after me... to catch me if I should fall� then in the
blink of an eye She was gone� the jaguar was gone� I stayed up and watched the
sun rise� this world is a beautiful place� even if I die out here, and never
see my loved ones again� at least I�m not totally alone� I hope I see him
again� I have to� there is so much left to do�
11:00 am- this will be the day I find help� a way out of this endless forest� I
just know it� something about the way the sun came up� just like he does every
day� persistence� I will beat this yet!
3:00pm- I�m going to die! That�s all there is to it! This forest never ends!
I�ve been traveling east for three days since Vishal left me. Due east! By the
sun! The sun can�t be wrong� the stinging from �Kali� is getting worse� it must
be infected� I�m going to die� She must want nothing more for me� I�ve seen the
jaguar every time I shut my eyes� I see and now I die? What is wrong with the
universe that this could happen? What did I ever do to deserve this hell�? I am
not Kali!!!! I can�t die like this! I can�t die without him, my love� why would
She separate us then kill me? Maybe I was sent here to find out that I wasn�t
sent at all� there is no one� no one to help me find my way�
4:00pm- I just heard rustling in the woods�Bigger than a monkey� I�m so scared�
I can�t take this anymore! I�m going to die I just know it� it�s all over� I�m
going to be eaten by some sort of Indian monster� It�s coming closer�. I�ll be
right back�.
My sweetie came out of the woods that day. I was so scared I thought the search
party members were monsters. The dehydration and malnutrition caused me to be a
little loopy and I ended up attacking them tooth and nail. Embarrassed as I
regained my sanity, I realized how I�d acted. Maybe the jaguar was a
hallucination too. I�ll never really know. Maybe some higher power really did
speak to me through that animal. Maybe not� I guess the only thing to do is
live my life to the fullest and respect the wilderness that almost was the
death of me. Someone had to bring him to me. The odds of a search party finding
me in the interior of the forest where I was are slim to none. Maybe it was a
miracle that I was found. All I know is I�ll never let a day go by when I don�t
think of those six days trapped in the jungle� when I was searching for my soul.