To my dearest love:
Today, I woke up just in time to see the sunrise.
It has never occurred to me before how beautiful the sunrise really is. The way the colors of the sky slowly change from the darkness of the night, to the bright blue of day is just enthralling. I don�t know how long I stared out the window into the vastness of the sky, but I do know that at the very moment I saw sun begin to rise, I wanted to fly.
Yes, I want to know how it feels like to be free, to feel nothing but the wind, to know nothing but the freedom of the skies, and to be attached to absolutely nothing at all.
You see, when you left me, I was plunged into the deepest despair. It wasn�t like in books or movies when I couldn�t feel anything and would just walk around like a zombie for months. No, on the contrary I could feel everything. Every little movement, I would look around and see if it could possibly be your footsteps; that maybe, just maybe, you came back for me. Every little blow of the wind, I thought that I could hear your voice. I felt the pain so terribly so that I fantasized about tearing my heart to shreds, so that no emotions would engulf me any longer.
I so terribly wanted to turn to someone so that I could learn to get over being alone. The problem there is: you were that person. You were the only one who I would turn to when things would go wrong � yet you were gone. It was as if half of my soul was gone, and the part that was left I desperately wanted to get rid of, but I didn�t want to.
I was afraid that if I forgot you, I would never be myself again; for you were the very person who made me who I am today. If only I could remember how I used to be before you came along, but I can�t; because you were with me long enough that I�ve lost all contact with that girl.
I want you to know that I hate you so much for doing this to me. I hate you for leaving me alone. I hate you for making me forget how to breathe, how to live, without you. I hate you for not giving me a reason for why you just left me here. I hate you for hurting me so much that I can�t even live a single second without remembering what we had and how wonderful it was. I hate you so much I love you.
Though I know that when this letter is done I�d probably never send this to you. I�d most likely stuff this under my bed and cry my eyes out until the sun rises again. I knew that all this will happen the moment I began the letter, but I still write it in hopes that somehow my feelings will reach you and you will know how much pain I�m in because of you. Oh, how I wish this was true.
Love,
Serena
To my dearest love:
As I had predicted, the letter I had originally written never got it out of the room in which it was written in. I wonder if the case will be so with this letter.
Today I gathered enough courage to venture to the spot that we used to call �ours�. Remember the tree in the back gardens of the school, the one with the red fruit growing among its branches and white flowers growing at its roots? That was the place where I had first told you I loved you, and that was the place we had first kissed. I remember lying there for hours with you; sometimes we�d talk endlessly about anything and everything; and other times we�d just sit in each other�s arms and watch as the world passed us by.
Beneath our tree, I lay there for hours wishing you were there next to me, but not once did a single tear fall from my eye. I feel for you no sadness, but it is a longing for your presence that seems as if it cannot ever be fulfilled. I believe that I fell asleep at one point, because I dreamt of you. When I awoke, night had fallen and the stars were shining brightly.
As soon as I arrived home, I found the poem that you had once stuffed into my locker before we ever knew that our feelings were mutual. I cried myself to sleep with the poem in my hand.
When I awoke a few hours later, my body was wrapped in cold sweat and I knew that I had to somehow tell you of my feelings. So I wrote this letter.
Forever yours,
Serena
To my dearest love:
It rained today.
I remembered how much you hated the rain. You were meteoric as you had always told me. I on the contrary loved the rain.
Notice that I used loved.
As the raindrops tapped against my window, it reminded me of all those times when you would forget your rain coat and suddenly appear on my door step soaking wet, but just in time to pick me up. I love the way you look when you�re hair is dripping wet.
Because I remembered things that were painful to remember, I blamed the rain. I buried my head under the covers and stayed in bed all day.
While I was in bed, I realized something � In life, our feelings towards other people are mutual most of the time. Like when we hate someone, usually they hate us back. Or you know those sad stories about unrequited love? I�m pretty sure that the person that supposedly doesn�t love the hero back has at least some part of them in their hearts. Maybe it�s just peer pressure or some stupid reason like that is why they can never express how they really feel. And of course there are those sappy love stories that scream �mutual feelings� all over the place.
But noticed how I said most of the time.
There are those other times, the exceptions we call �sometimes�, when this fact of life, like many other facts of life when it doesn�t apply to everyone. A good example? Me and you. I love you, but you don�t love me back.
It�s such a sad ending for what used to be a beautiful story, isn�t it?
Yours,
Serena
To my dearest love:
I decided today that I wanted to get over you. I have just been wasting all my time thinking about you, and wishing that you were still with me. It hurts too much, and it�s been ruining my life.
With this new mantra in mind, I set about for a lovely jog in the park.
Ever since I you left me, I haven�t been running. I used to run all the time, you were the only thing that I ever loved more. But as I stared at myself in the mirror, in my sweat pants, I realized what all the months of virtually no exercise has caused. A layer of fat now covers my body. My muscles are now withering away, and my face has only gotten uglier.
How were you ever able to love someone so ugly? Then again, maybe you never loved me � you just thought you did.
As I jogged through the park, I slowly tried to regain my strength. My page was embarrassingly slow, and I got tired very easily; but I pushed myself. Eventually, I had to walk. As I walked, I observed the people that surrounded me.
They all looked so happy. I felt so alone, so isolated. I missed you.
I wished that I could smile like the people who were there. I really wish I could. The way that they smiled seemed as though they had no care in the world. I envied them and hated them for not being a victim of the pain I feel.
Why did you have to leave me?
Wishing you were here,
Serena
To my dearest love:
I met a girl like me today. I found her in the 4th floor girl�s bathroom. Ironically, we both skipped 3rd period to have a good cry.
She is also alone in the world, and she is also hoping for the man who will never return to her.
We talked for hours about how we feel and what happened to each of us to make us end up in our current situation.
It felt nice to talk to someone just like me. For once in a long time, I had hope. Hope that maybe there are more people like me, people who have also felt as sad and who have hurt as much as I have.
When we parted ways, I felt as if a weight was lifted off my shoulders. The saddest part is I don�t even know her name.
Still waiting,
Serena
To my dearest love:
I am writing this on the day that would�ve been our two year anniversary.
Can you believe six months ago I thought that our relationship would actually last until this very day?
I guess I thought wrong.
I know you saw me today. I saw you too.
It�s the first time since you left me that we�ve made eye contact. Usually, I avoid you completely. But today, I was caught by surprise.
You passed a different route on your way to 2nd period today. Since I used to make it a point to see you in between classes I used to memorize exactly where you would pass, but nowadays I make it a point never to pass those routes.
Why did you pass that way today?
I have to admit that at the very moment we made eye contact I wished that I looked beautiful. I wanted it to be like one of those moments on TV where you see me and realize all that you�re missing and all that you let slip. But no, I was uglier than usual. My eyes were dark from lack of sleep, I was flabby because I haven�t been exercising as much, and my hair was a mess. I wanted to run away and hide. I wish you never saw me.
It�s taking me longer than I thought to get over you. I thought that as soon as I set myself about to do it, it would happen in a snap. Though these days I�ve been struggling a lot, I have an accomplishment to tell you: I haven�t cried in two days.
I am proud of myself. Maybe I�m becoming stronger. I always wanted to be strong.
It is only now that I�ve been feeling weak. When we were still �we�, I always felt strong and beautiful. You made me feel that way. But when you were gone, I realized that it was only fake strength that I was experiencing. Real strength will stay with me even if I�m alone.
I want to be strong. I want to feel beautiful.
Truly yours,
Serena
To my dearest love:
I miss the way you used to look at me.
I�ve never told you before, but your eyes (and their unusual shade of green) are what first caught my eye. I used to love how they seemed to always look so deep into a person�s soul. Whenever you looked into my eyes I felt as if you could see my entire life displayed before your eyes. I liked it.
I dreamt of your deep green eyes last night. I wanted so badly to wake up, but at the same time I wanted to continue dreaming and stare into your eyes just a little longer.
Deep inside, I knew that staying asleep would only make it harder and more painful for me to get over you. Call me a masochist if you�d like, but the pain of looking into your eyes seemed to fill my heart.
Then, it seemed like something in me told me that it wasn�t real happiness that was filling me, it was just temporary. The voice within me told me to wake up, to open my eyes and face the reality. It told me that even though it hurts so much in the beginning, the pain will eventually go away and I can be free.
It seemed so impossible to live a painless life if you weren�t there. I kept telling the voice that it was just lying to me; that I could never be happy again and that even if this was just a dream it made me feel better than being awake.
At first I decided to continue dreaming, I loved it. But then deep inside I knew that the voice was right. So, I walked away from the dream.
I woke up and cried.
Yours truly,
Serena
To my dearest love:
I found the bear you gave me a long time ago this morning. You gave it to me that fateful day where you confessed you�re love for me. Funny how on that day I thought you would love me forever.
The bear was safely hidden away behind my winter coats. I hid it there because I knew that mother would never find it. But you know what? I took it out every single night and hugged it close to me as I slept.
Today was the first time in months where I had it so close to my body. For hours I think I sat with it and cried. It reminded me so much of you.
I cleaned the bear today. I washed it and dried it to perfection. I made it beautiful again. No longer is it covered in dust and dirt.
I keep wondering if you still remember that bear. Do you? Also, I keep wondering if I should give it back. It was a symbol of �us� after all, but now that we aren�t �us� anymore does the bear have no meaning at all.
In our world, are things only special for a little while or do we make it special?
Should I send you back the bear?
Does it mean anything to you anymore?
I still love you, just thought you should know that.
Love,
Serena
To my dearest love:
I did something completely unexpected today. I signed up for the school track team.
Within the six months since you left, I quit the track team. I didn�t feel like running, it�s like I couldn�t do anything but think about you. I was too miserable to run. But today, I saw the sign up on the bulletin board calling for all hopeful runners. I think I stood in front of the notice for half an hour before I even picked up the pen, and it took another half hour for me to stand there before I signed the sign-up sheet.
Try-outs are in a week, and I am scared that I will not be able to get into shape in time. I plan to practice really hard this week. I need to catch up on a lot. I am afraid that I have forgotten how it is to run like the wind.
I really hope I can make it back in the track team.
Yours,
Serena
To my dearest love:
I was able to run two straight miles today. My speed has been increasing these past few days. Slowly, I�ve been building up the muscle that I had lost a long time ago. My legs have been feeling stronger, and my stamina is up.
I think that I have more of a chance of getting back into the team, but still it is slim.
If we were still together, I know that you�d be cheering me on the whole time. You used to do that during my competitions. You were a lot of the reason why I won a lot. Because you supported me so much, I felt like I was on air and my energy never seemed to drop. It was like you were my lucky charm and if you were by my side I could do anything.
Now, I don�t know if I can still do it. I don�t know if I can run if you aren�t there to cheer me on.
I really wish that you gave me a complete reason of why you left me. I think that that�s what has kept me hanging on for so long. It�s because you never explained exactly why. If I just knew what I did wrong to make you stop loving me, I�d probably be almost completely over it by now. Yet, I am just lingering on wondering what it is exactly I should regret; because I�ve been regretting everything I�ve ever done and killing myself over it. I don�t want to hate myself, but I can�t help it.
Why couldn�t you just tell me?
Missing you,
Serena
To my dearest love:
I woke up today afraid of the track try-outs after school. I had half a mind to just not go at all, but I knew that I had trained too hard to just waste it.
The entire try-out was... surreal. Everything seemed to happen in complete slow motion. I think I did okay, but I�m pretty sure that I used to be able to do so much better.
During the three-mile run I was able to think clearly. I distracted myself from all the sweat, the heat, the sun, the fatigue, by trying to organize exactly how I really feel towards you.
I�ve realized that I do still feel very strongly towards you. I�ve hung on for too long, that it�s affecting everything I do. But I am trying, know that I am trying more than humanly possible, to get over you. I want to stop loving you, and if I continue through life doing what I love and trying to find ways to live without you I can learn to breathe at last.
I want to move on. I truly do.
I finished the three-mile run faster than I thought I would. I was quite glad with myself because I had finished quickly and I was able to clear my head. I believe that I am slowly but surely getting to the point I want to be.
I don�t know if you know but I saw you through a window while I was doing the last couple of sprints across the stage. You were in the art room, staring out the window. I wished you were looking at me, but I knew you weren�t.
Still dreaming of you,
Serena
To my dearest love:
I made the team.
Of course I still have to go through intensive training to get back into shape, but I passed. The coaches said that they missed me and were glad to have me back. For the first time in quite a while, I felt important.
I still think of you a lot, but not as much as I used to. I am proud of myself. I�ve been feeling miserable less and less. It�s about time; it�s been eight months already.
You know what else? I am planning to go to a party this weekend. I�ve been skipping out on all the parties I�ve been invited to in the past eight months, but this time I think I will try to regain the life I used to have.
Also, I�ve been looking at my old photo albums and I�m beginning to remember how life used to be without you. Of course, I look at pictures of you a lot as well, but I think that because I�m seeing more and more of you I�ve become strong enough to not cry every time you come into my head.
I see it now � I�m going to be fine.
Sincerely,
Serena
To my dearest love:
This is the last letter I will ever write to you. This will be the last time I will refer to you as �my dearest love�.
I haven�t written anything to you in a month. I�ve been busy running and catching up on the schoolwork that I left to lag behind while in my state of being heartbroken.
I just finished watching the sunset. It is as beautiful as the sunrise. It makes me feel calm, but alive at the same time.
While I was watching the sky turn black and the stars come out, it was like I wave of emotion came over me. I didn�t want to fly anymore; I was perfectly fine on normal ground. I finally caught my footing and I wasn�t afraid to lose balance.
I don�t regret any of the time when I loved you; I think I learned from it. Because of all the sadness it caused me at the end of our relationship, I learned to be strong. Now, I know that I can survive anything.
I don�t think I�m completely over you, because for that to happen it will take just a little more time. But I know that I can live without you associated in my life now. I can take control of what I do by myself.
You don�t control me anymore; I want you to know that. I can live my life without you affecting me. I no longer love you.
Now this letter will be the last of a series of letters that I�ve written to you but never had the courage to send. It will join the twelve other letters under my bed. I�ll forget about them for now, and maybe one day I�ll find them and be reminded of how I can do anything even if it seems like life can�t go on anymore.
I don�t love you.
No longer yours,
Serena