humanstupidity

A burglar needing money to pay his income taxes decided to "burgle" the safe in a store. On the safe door he was very pleased to find a note reading "Please don't use dynamite.The safe is not locked. Just turn the knob. He did so.
Instantly a heavy sandbag fell on him, the entire premises were floodlighted, and alarms started clanging.
As the police carried him out on a stretcher, he was heard moaning, "My confidence in human nature has been rudely shaken."

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules.
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $40 the first time."
He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $90. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $200. Are there any questions?"
At this time, a male student in the crowd inquires, "How much for a season pass?"

A business executive injured his leg skiing one weekend. By the time he got home Sunday, the leg was very swollen and he was having difficulty walking, so he called his physician at his home. The doctor told him to soak it in hot water. He tried soaking it in hot water, but the leg became more swollen and more painful.
His maid saw him limping and said, "I don't know - I'm only a maid - but I always thought it was better to use cold water, not hot water, for swelling." He tried switching to cold water, and the swelling rapidly subsided.
On Monday morning, he called his doctor again to complain. "Say doc, what kind of a doctor are you, anyway? You told me to soak my leg in hot water, and it got worse. My maid told me to use cold water, and it got better."
"Really?" answered the doctor, "I don't understand it - my maid said hot water."

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted the butcher with the news that the baby was his and asked what he was going to do about it?
Finally, he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.
He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said "I'll be 16 tomorrow."
"I know", said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too. Tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that this is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."
When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years, and watch the expression on HIS face!"