Interesting facts about Soccer:
1. The dos and don'ts of being a female football fan
(From 'Etiquette 2001' by Helen Duff in Manchester Metro 16th Nov, 2001)
Do go to the match. It's easy to say you like football but you won't be taken seriously as a fan until you've spent 35 winters in a wind-ravaged stadium warming your hands on a pint of tepid bitter.
Don't just pretend you like football. This is the ultimate lame girlie thing to do and you'll quickly be rumbled as a fraud = particularly when you let it slip that you think Robbie Fowler plays for EastEnders.
Do enjoy the dynamics and flux of the game. To do this, it helps if you know the offside rule isn't 'something to do with parallel parking'.
Don't go to the football to score. Dressed in 14 sweaters and a sheep-skin snood, the only 'hunk' you're going to pull is someone whose last bit of physical excitement was choking on his dentures when his team won the Sherpa Van Trophy.
Do get into the spirit of things. If you can't chant, make colourful reference to the linesman's visual impairment or - in homage to Neil 'Razor' Ruddock - wet yourself to keep warm; at least, refrain from using the floodlights to reapply your lipstick.
Don't respond to your team conceding a goal by bursting into tears and phoning your girlfriends to weep how 'all men are useless'. The female archetype you should be aspiring to here is brassy fish-wife, not sappy earthmother.
Do know your place. Unless your team's ground was built within the past decade, there'll be one ladies toilet for every thousand needy bladders, meaning sooner or later you're going to get embarrassed by a dribble between your legs - a phenomenon widely known as the Fabien Barthez. (Sandy: Oh, what an excellent remark!)
Don't bring your gender into disrepute. Should you hear someone praising Ashley Cole's pace, perception and perfect timing, it is under no circumstances permissible to reply: 'Yes, and he looks like he's packing a porker.'
Do say: 'You're s**** and you know you are', 'Who's the b****** in the black?' 'What the f****** h*** was that?' etcetera.
Don't say: 'Gosh, this soccer game is so much fun. I shall heartily recommend it to my mother.'
It was last updated on 15th Feb, 2002
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