"I'm your mother. I gave birth to you - I know what you look like."
Mom, hate to break it to you, but you're also a paranoid alarmist. In a way that's (oddly enough) comforting, but a little frightening too.
She also said:"I know it was you because of your hair. You were even going down the ladder the wrong way."
Now what is that supposed to mean? And how does one go down the ladder the wrong way? And why would mom think I'm the sort of person who would do so? What have I ever done to merit such slander?
So, occasionally I stick metal objects into electrical outlets (a fork, and I was six - and it's her fault for not properly supervising me) and I have had to read the directions on a can of soup (this time, 14, and no one would help me, I wasn't sure if I needed to add milk or water -ed) but I'm not about to do something totally assinine like defy gravity and go down a ladder the wrong way in front of a battalion of international jounalists
But if it was really me, I would've mooned em' all for good measure. Then I'd never hear the end of it for sure.
"Jennifer - I know that was your bottom on the front of the Toronto Star. I gave birth to you - I know what your ass looks like. And I suppose you think it's funny, hanging your ass out of a burning building in front of all those reporters. What will your Aunt Dorothy think?"
Oh well - it's not even 9:00 am yet. I am about to meet a student for 10:00. She'a lawyer - I like her a lot. It never hurts to know a lawyer in a foreign country.
ARAFAT TO DO BATTLE IF MANHOOD CHALLENGED
Palestinan leader Yasser Arafat stunned the world yesterday when he unzipped his pants and displayed his manhood for the entire planet to see.
"It has been a long time coming," he said, tongue in cheek. "But the world has got to know. Netanyahu has got to know. My penis is definately larger than his."
Indeed, the 78 year old Palestinian leader's phallus was a remarkable tool. Several of Arafat's advisors had to steady the aging leader as he proudly displayed himself in front a of a battalion of international journalists.
In lieu of Arafat's unveiling, Netanyahu hastily arranged a press conference.
"We are not intimidated by him," Netanyahu declared.
When asked to comment on the correlation of power and the size of one's penis, Netanyahu denounced it as ludicrisy.
"Look at the world's most powerful nation, the US," he remarked. "The size of one's phallus doesn't make the slightest difference."
Monica Lewinsky was unavailable for comment.
(Clinton was still President at the time - and Netanyahu was the Israeli PM - ed)