This may be very difficult at times since our own pain drives us to anger despite ourselves. We need to treat ourselves with the same compassion we do our child. Like the child, we cannot allow our anger to hurt another, and at the same time we need an outlet to our self-expression. In my work with parents I have found that yelling actually does not help us deal with our pain - it's a cover-up. When we do control our impulse to yell or punish, and respond compassionately, we sometimes are fortunate to feel the pain and even cry. Another factor is the modeling to our child. Children lose control just like adults, but more easily and have less experience in handling themselves when upset. When we respond to their out-of-control behavior in a gentle and loving way, we are showing them by example a model of self-control and compassion they can emulate. Children look to us for reassurance that when they grow up they will be more able to control their own impulses. Seeing us out of control toward them is therefore very discouraging and disabling - especially on top of the personal hurt this causes them. If we cannot control our pain-based impulses how can they? When we stop an unsafe, out-of-control act in a gentle manner, we send our child a triple reassurance: 1) "I can count on my parents to help me when I lose control." 2) "When I grow up I will be able to control myself and act with compassion like my parents do." 3) "My parent sees my need. I am not bad; it is my action that is wrong. I am loved and lovable - and, like them, I will learn to express myself freely but safely." It is therefore best to stop an unsafe act gently and clearly. A child needs a reminder that feelings can be expressed but not acted on. An aggressor can be lovingly removed from the act, hugged (when receptive), and told: "I see you are very upset, (angry, scared). I'll help you vent your feelings safely and resolve your needs". When there is a victim, we should tend to him first, without scolding the aggressor. The aggressor will benefit from watching our compassion toward the hurt child and is likely to feel remorse. Scolding or punishing the aggressor, on the other hand, takes the opportunity for developing remorse away from him. Instead, he may feel rage and self-hatred. When Lennon was 4 1/2, he became very annoying and sometimes aggressive toward his I 1/2-year-old brother, Oliver. Since this was a new behavior in our house, we didn't think much about it initially and just brushed him off with orders to stop it - in a stern voice. Two weeks later, when alone with Lennon, I expressed my love for him and told him what a wonderful person he was. I was shaken by his response: "You don't love me. I am terrible." "Why?" I asked anxiously, and he answered: "Because I hurt Oliver." A child who was never punished and had always been a cheerful delight was wilting in front of my eyes with jealousy and was developing a low self-image. That day I started hugging him every time he disturbed or hurt Oliver. I know this sounds like a reward - but only to us grown-ups. A child who hurts is not experiencing himself as being bad. He is experiencing a deep pain, loneliness, lovelessness and loss of control. I responded to his cry for help and love by giving him what he needed. My initial reaction was based on fear and was therefore counter-productive, When I ordered Lennon to stop disturbing his brother - then and only then were his feelings of being "bad" internalized and reinforced. If I had continued scolding him, he may have turned into a bitter bully. Instead, I changed my behavior and responded to his plea for love. Discovering the source of the problem - jealousy - led me to devote a lot of one-on-one time with Lennon, boosting his self-image. "I am so lucky to share life with you," "You are so important to me," "I love you," "What an awesome person you are" are all words I shared in our times together. When he hurt his brother, I would stop him gently, give love, and say "You are a wonderful person. I see that you want to hurt your brother. It is normal to feel that way. I love you just the same when you are hurting him, but we cannot hurt him. When you grow up you'll be able to control yourself. For now I'll help you." And I helped him until he recovered his exuberance and love of life, of himself, and of his brother. There are many such stories from my family and families I work with. The common thread in all of them is trusting the child. If she "misbehaves," she is hurting inside. If our compassionate response isn't helping, it does not mean we should stop trusting and accepting. Rather, it means that there is more to the cause than meets the eye. We need to search, or seek the help of someone who can help us do the detective work into our child's soul. Our love and compassion are our greatest assets in these emotional adventures. We may find it difficult to put our own emotional reactions aside - our anger, our upset and our unresolved problems from our own childhood. These are real obstacles to helping our children. When reaction seems unavoidable, I remove myself from the scene (not necessarily physically), take a breath and "time out" for myself. I try to get in touch with the trigger of my emotions and cry, or just calm down enough to be able to attend to my child, keeping my ego out of the way. When validated and listened to, children unload emotional upsets in their own creative ways. It is important to allow crying to take its full course (while giving the child our full attention) and to develop attentiveness to tantrums and rage expressions. Being noisy, giggly and screechy are also emotionally beneficial. Other than moving ourselves to a different room, or asking the children to keep their play in another room (or outside) - these have no "cure". Rather, these behaviors are the cure and the child's way of healing many of life's upsets. Children are simply magical at directing their own dramatic moments. We can trust them and learn from them. When we face behavior in our children that is upsetting to us, we have two choices. We can respond from our own fear (which may lead to words and acts that invalidate) or we can empathize with the child (which is a response of love). Although sometimes parents may need a counselor's assistance with children, developing trust and the ability to listen and validate can go a long way toward a harmonious family life and emotionally healthy, self-reliant children. back to "Mostly for PARENTS" HOME |