| 2 - - "How To Give a Cat a Pill" 1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in palm of right hand. As cat opens jaws, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. 2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. 3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. 4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for slow count to ten. 5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call neighbor for assistance. 6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws simultaneously. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get neighbor to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down side of ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously. 7. Retrieve cat from curtain and get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Hummel figures from hearth and set to one side for gluing later. 8. Wrap cat in large towel, and get neighbor to lie on cat with cat's head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil, and blow pill down cat's throat through drinking straw. 9. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, and drink glass of water to try and wash away foul taste. Apply Band-Aid to neighbor's forearm, and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap. 10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in kitchen cupboard and close door on its neck, leaving only head protruding. Force mouth open with dessert spoon, and flick pill down throat with elastic band. 11. Fetch screwdriver from garage to put cabinet door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek, and check records for date of your last tetanus shot. Throw torn shirt away, and don heavy, inexpensive parka. 12. Apologize to motorist whose car hit curb while swerving to avoid running cat, telephone fire department to retrieve cat from tree across the street, and remove last pill from foil-wrap. 13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine, and bind animal tightly to leg of dining room table. Find heavy-duty pruning gloves in shed, and force cat's mouth open with a small wrench. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of broiled fish. Hold head vertically, and pour two pints of water into mouth to wash pill down throat. 14. Get neighbor to drive you to emergency room, and sit quietly, allowing doctor to stitch fingers and forearm and to remove pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table. 15. Tack up lost cat posters on neighborhood telephone poles. Once cat is found, arrange for local police to collect cat and deliver it to veterinarian's clinic for tranquilization and medication. 16. Ask vet if there is a simpler way to administer pet pills, and listen when he tells you to buy a dog. ****************************** How to Give A Dog a Pill 1. Wrap it in bacon |