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Q: What do you call a beautiful woman on a guitarist's arm?
A: A tattoo.
Q: What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
A: Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.
Q: What do you call a drummer in a three-piece suit?
A: "The Defendant"
Q: What do clarinetists use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.
Q: What did the drummer get on his I.Q. Test?
A: Saliva.
Q: What do call a guitar player without a girlfriend?
A: Homeless.
Q: What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
A: You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.
Q: Why do some people have an instant aversion to banjo players?
A: It saves time in the long run.
Q: What's the difference between a folk guitar player and a large pizza?
A: A large pizza can feed a family of four.
Q: How are musicians like linoleum?
A: Lay them once and you can walk on them forever.
Q: What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
A: About three decibels.
Q: What's the latest crime wave in New York City?
A: Drive-by trombone solos.
Q: What is another term for trombone?
A: A wind driven, manually operated, pitch approximator.
Q: How do you get a guitarist to play A flat?
A: Take the batteries out of his electronic tuner.
Q: What's the difference between a SCUD missile and a bad oboist?
A: A bad oboist can kill you.
Q: Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard?
A: So they can park in the handicapped zones.
Q: Why do people play trombone?
A: Because they can't move their fingers and read music at the same time.
Q: How do you stop the spread of AIDS?
A: Let BMG distribute it.
Q: What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A: A music critic.
Q: How do you keep your fiddle from being stolen?
A: Put it in a viola case.
Q: What's the difference between a saxophone and a chainsaw?
A: You can tune a chainsaw.
Q: What do a guitar solo and premature ejaculation have in common?
A: You know it's coming and there's nothing you can do about it.
Q: What will you never say about a banjo player?
A: "That's the banjo player's Porsche."
Q: What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
A: Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.
Q: Why are harps like elderly parents?
A: Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars.
Q: How many trumpet players does it take to pave a driveway?
A: Seven- if you lay them out correctly.
Q: What's the difference between an oboe and a bassoon?
A: You can hit a baseball further with a bassoon.
Q: How are a banjo player and a blind javelin thrower alike?
A: Both command immediate attention and alarm, and force everyone to move out of range.
Q: Why are fiddle players' fingers like lightning?
A: They rarely strike the same spot twice.
Q: How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 13 - one to do it, and twelve to stand around and say, "Phhhwt! I can do that!"
Q: What is the difference between a violist and a prostitute?
A. Prostitutes have a better sense of rhythm.
Q: What do you call a hundred conductors at the bottom of the Ocean?
A: A good start.
Q: How can you tell when a singer is at your door?
A: The can't find the key, and they never know when to come in.
Q: How do you get two bass players to play in unison?
A: Hand them charts a half-step apart.
Q: What's the difference between a dead chicken in the road, and a dead trombonist in the road?
A: There's a remote chance the chicken was on its way to a gig.
Q: What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A: A drummer
Q: How do you get a guitarist to play softer?
A: Place a sheet of music in front of him.
Q: What do you do if you see a bleeding drummer running around in your back yard?
A: Stop laughing and shoot again.
Q: How many 2nd violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they can't get up that high !!!!!!

A child says to his mother: "Mom, when I grow up, I wanna be a musician."
She replies, "Well son, You can't do both"

Relative minor:
A guitarist's girlfriend
vibrato:
used by singers to hide
the fact that they're in
the wrong key

Tuba player:
"Did you hear my last recital?"
Friend:
"I hope so!"