Helmuth's Death

Helmuth was the only brother I had who was loving. I did not realize it, as I was very young but 90% or more of my Christmas presents was donated by him.

We, that is Eric and I shared a room together with Helmuth.

One night, in November 1961 I was woken up. I heard Helmuth opening the cupboard in our room and taking something out. He slid an item against the floor as he walked out of our room and it sounded like a belt or rope. I was very drowsy and sleepy and I did not give it any further thought.

In the foreground is Helmuth just before he killed himself.

Next day, in the morning, when we had to go to school, we were not allowed to go to the kitchen. There was an alleged gas leak and everyone in the building who was located on the same spot but different floor had that, so we were told.

When we got to school, we found out that this was not true as one of the school kids in our class lived a few levels above us.

Eventually we were told the truth. Helmut had hang himself, between the kitchen and the bathroom at that night in our apartment in Vienna when my parents were in the pub. When they got home, they found his naked body hanging dead from a rope.

Helmut is on the left of this picture, which was taken in summer of 1953. He was then 9 years old. To the far right is Karl my oldest brother. He was then 12 years old.

It was not difficult for me as I hardly knew Helmut. He was always with the scouts. He would be away for many days. But what followed was a very depressing time, always going to the cemetery and seeing my mother cry so bitterly for years to come. There were also very few Christmas presents. I remember Christmas 1961 very well. My parents were alone at home with us and they just cried bitterly. It was very sad.

My father's blood sugar sky rocketed because of this shock. At least that's what he said.

I don't know where this picture was taken. One can roughly guess his age.

So, why did he kill himself, that is the question. It is not easy for me to answer, as the society we grew up in was very Roman Catholic, hypocritical, and my mother was a perfectionist. Only many years later can I come up with some conclusion, of what I think had happened.

One story I have heard was that he did not intending to kill himself. That, he found it thrilling to wander between life and death and he accidentally went too far. This I consider to be a real possibility.

The other story I have heard was that a short while before his death, he was dismissed from the scouts for homosexual activities. This could be a rumour, but it may just as well be true. He was thrown out from the organization my parents stated as they read a letter that Helmut wrote to the leader of the scouts.

In any case, let us say he was homosexual, my mother could never have admitted that it was one of HER BOYS. That was too much, after all what would the neighbours think! The bloody Roman Catholic church would not have been very kind, and the school system and society only understood authority, fear and strict obedience. He would have been unable to help himself.

And if it really had been an accident, that he got a thrill out of being at the threshold of life and death, one can only say that a religious organization that teaches true love , and gives the child the tools to travel into the astral-, mental- and spiritual body, would have been guidance as to how to let go of the physical and become more aware of the "higher planes". This would have been impossible in the sixties and in Austria, even today the spiritual knowledge is very low and not encouraged at all in that country.

But so ends Helmut's story, but the saddest part of all seems to me that my mother in all here pain, seemed to have learnt so little. The beatings with me for any bad school result went on, but she did not mind if our teeth would rot.

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HELMUT'S PAGE

HELMUT'S SUICIDE