Title: Afraid To Let Him Know

Author: Sana

Email: [email protected]

Pairing: 1x2

Disclaimer: Gundam Wing isn't mine.... *sigh*

Warnings: Yaoi, angst

Author's notes: This is my first fic, so please, don't be too hard on me. I hope you'll like it!

Feedback: Yes, please ^_^

 

Year AC 198

 

"Bye, Duo! See ya tomorrow at the party!"

 

Duo grinned at his friend and tried his best not to show the pain he felt inside. "Yeah, see ya."

 

After that, he closed the door of a small bar in which he worked, heading to his apartment. Tomorrow was his eighteenth birthday and his new friends were making him a birthday party. 'I should be happy, shouldn't I?' he thought to himself. 'I have a good job, great friends, a nice place to live... I have a nice life. Then why am I still sad?' He knew the answer to that question very well. Although he tried to convince himself he had everything he wanted, he knew there was something missing.... Someone.

 

"Heero." The name quietly slipped over his lips and he felt his heart ache even more. He would gladly give away everything he had, all this so called happiness, just so he could have Heero, because, without him, it all meant nothing to Duo. But, as he knew he couldn't have Heero, he would be happy if he could at least see him again. It didn't matter to him if Heero yelled at him or ignored him, like he usually did, just as long as he was there. But he wasn't.

 

After the war, he made sure he was easy to find in case Heero looked for him. But he never did. It's been three years and Duo was starting to lose hope. 'Duo no baka! How could you even think he would be looking for you? He's probably somewhere with Relena...' As he thought of that, he had to fight the tears that welled up in his eyes.

 

'No, I mustn't think about him!' he cursed himself inwardly. That thought brought him back to reality, only to realize that he was just a few feet away from the building he lived in. When he came in, he changed and went to bed. He didn't even bother to unbraid his hair. "Come on, Duo, tomorrow is a big day," he said to himself, smiling, as the tears started streaming down his cheeks. He buried his head in the pillow and cried.

 

 

In a hotel room on L1 Heero was sitting on the bed and typing on his laptop. He had a serious expression on his face. After less that a minute his eyes sparkled and he almost smiled. He found Duo's address, phone number and all the other information. He already knew it was Duo's birthday tomorrow, as he already knew everything about him, including where he lived. He was just checking to see if he'd moved. He was glad to learn he hadn't, as he knew the area around Duo's apartment and the bar very well, because he was there the last year and the year before. He had to be there for Duo's birthday. He had to see him. Heero was glad to see Duo was happy and laughing with his friends, but at the same time, he was hurt that Duo didn't miss him as much as he missed Duo. Actually, it seemed like the braided boy didn't miss him at all. This year, Heero decided to go and talk to him. 'I don't want to go there and watch him secretly again. This time, I'm going to talk to him. I need to hear his voice. During the war, I was always telling him to shut up; I didn't even realize how I loved listening to his voice. It's so quiet without him... And I need to see those beautiful violet eyes I fell in love with the first time I saw them... Duo, I miss you.'

 

 

Duo woke up around noon. His pillow was still wet from crying all night. He cried for hours before he was too exhausted and fell asleep. And even when he fell asleep, he was dreaming about Heero. His beautiful violet eyes were red from the tears.

 

He blinked a few times and got up. He took off his sleeping clothes, before going into the bathroom and taking a shower. His tears were mixing with the water. 'Man, I'm so pathetic... But every time my birthday comes, I just can't stop thinking about him. I just can't stop crying...'

 

After he got out of the shower and put his clothes on, he did his best to think about everything and everyone except for Heero or anything related to him in any way. And it worked. After a while, he managed to calm down and get his mask back into place. When he looked at the clock it was already 5 PM. 'I should get ready. I'm supposed to be at the bar at six thirty,' he reminded himself.

 

At six Duo left his apartment with a wide smile. No one would believe him if he tried to tell them he spent the whole night crying.

 

 

Heero got little sleep that night. As soon as he turned off his laptop, he packed his bags and left for L2. He arrived early in the morning and went to the hotel. The room was small with a single bed, a small table and two chairs. It had a bathroom and a small balcony. Not that bad, Heero had seen worse during the war. He wasn't planning on staying there for long, anyway. Only a day or two.

 

He stepped out on the balcony and started thinking about Duo. The first thing that came to his mind was, "The present!" he said, frowning. He frowned deeper and thought, 'I can't buy him a present. That way he'll know why I came... He'll know how I feel about him, and I can't let that happen. If he finds out, he will probably hate me and it's better to only have his friendship than nothing.'

 

After that, he laid on the bed and dozed off. He woke up at seven and cursed himself for falling asleep. After he got ready, he left for Duo's apartment, only to find it empty. "K'so! Where could he be?"

 

And than he remembered. 'Of course! The bar!'

 

 

When Duo opened the door, every single person in the bar shouted, "HAPPY  BIRTHDAY DUO!!" He grinned happily, but there was something in his eyes that

showed he wasn't completely happy. None of his friends could notice it, though, because, ever since he met them, his eyes weren't shining with joy like they were when he was with Heero. One by one, they came to give him a present, kiss him, and wish him all the best. He was really happy. He looked down at the pile of presents and thought once again, 'I'd give this all away...' when the door opened and someone stepped inside. The bar owner looked at the stranger and said, "I'm sorry, but we're closed. This is a private party. Come back some other time.'

 

Heero glared at him. "I just want one drink."

 

'That voice.......' Duo spun around, only to see the bluest eyes he'd ever seen. There was no doubt about it. It was Heero. For a second Duo just stared at him, but then he got himself together and shouted, "Heero! Is it really you?"

 

Everyone turned to look at Duo and they saw his smile brighter than ever. They've never seen him this happy.

 

"Hn." That was everything Heero could say without his voice failing him. He missed that smile so much....

 

"You know him?" The bar owner looked at Duo, surprised.

 

"Yeah. He used to be my best friend. Actually, he is still my best friend, just that I don't see him very often."

 

When Heero heard the words 'used to be,' he felt a cold dagger stab him right in the heart. But when Duo corrected himself, he felt the pain disappear in an instant.

 

"So, Heero, how did you know?"

 

"Know what?"

 

"How did you know it was my birthday today?"

 

"I didn't. I had some things to take care of on L2 and decided to stop by for a drink."

 

Duo's face fell when he heard that. It was really hard for him not to cry and to keep his mask in place. "Oh," was everything he could say.

 

Heero realized that what he said hurt the braided boy, but now it was too late to take the words back. 'I have to be cold to him,' he tried to convince himself. 'That's the only way I can keep myself from running to him, taking him in my arms, kissing him and never letting go. And I know he doesn't feel the same way, so it can't possibly hurt him as much as it hurts me to do this to him.'

 

"Maybe I really should leave."

 

"No, Heero, please stay. It's ok that you didn't know, I never told you. I'm just happy that, coincidentally, you came to this very bar on the very day of my birthday. If you want to leave, I can't make you stay, but I'd be really happy if you did."

 

"Hn." Heero nodded with an expressionless face, but happy that Duo actually wanted him to be there. Duo grinned. 'He's not gonna leave! He's not gonna leave! Oh my God, I'm SOO happy!! He's here at my birthday party. Maybe he does consider me a friend after all!'

 

 

Duo was so happy that he was jumping around the place all night. He was laughing and making jokes, dancing, singing - anything he could think of. Everyone was having fun and trying to make this night unforgettable for Duo. Everyone, except for a certain boy with dark brown hair who was sitting at the table, drinking his coffee and glancing at Duo when he was sure no one was looking. Suddenly, someone slumped onto the chair next to him.

 

"Wha'cha doin' Heero?"

 

Heero almost smiled at those words. They were so familiar. How many times had he heard Duo say that while he was working on his laptop?

 

"Drinking my coffee."

 

"Well I can see that." Duo rolled his eyes and continued cheerfully, "Come, join the party! Come on, Heero, onegai!” He jumped up and grabbed Heero's hand, pulling him up. Heero glared at him, but Duo just smiled.

 

"Omae o korosu"

 

"You should really get a new line, Heero, this one's getting old."

 

He grinned as he pulled Heero to the dance floor. Heero tried to jerk his hand away, but Duo held him tight and wouldn't let go. "Let me go, baka!"

Heero was really mad at Duo for making him do this. He didn't want to dance. He didn't know *how* to dance. Finally, when he saw there was no other way, he jerked his hand really hard, getting it free from Duo's grip. Duo just stared at him. He was too startled to do anything.

 

"I've had enough of this!" Heero shouted and stormed out of the bar.

 

 

Everyone was staring at the door and Duo quietly sighed. 'I went too far. And he's so cold sometimes... as if he hates me.'

 

Nothing that happened later that night could cheer Duo up, so after about two hours, he said he wasn't feeling well and went home. Tonight he couldn't hold back the tears until he came home. He was holding them back all day and he couldn't do it anymore. They were streaming down his cheeks, making his vision blurry. But he wasn't watching where he was going, anyway. He was too deep in his thoughts to notice the people pass by him and to see where he's going. That's how he didn't see the car heading his way... He felt a strong pain in his side and heard a woman scream before it all went black.

 

 

When he got out of the bar, Heero found himself running down the street. He didn’t know what was he running away from. Duo, his feelings, what he just did - he wasn't sure. The only thing he knew was that he couldn't stop running. When he came to his hotel room, he threw himself on the bed and covered his face with his hands. "Duo... I'm sorry..... " He was telling himself over and over again that he did the right thing, that it was better off this way, but his heart just couldn't accept that. When he calmed down, Heero decided to go out for a walk. He was walking down the street when he heard a woman scream. He ran towards the sound and felt his legs betray him as he saw a person in black with a long chestnut braid and a pool of blood around him. He fell to his knees and whispered, "Duo." For the first time in his life tears welled up in his eyes and he started crying.

 

"Duo... Duo!" He found his legs again and ran to the boy, checking for pulse. It was there! He felt relieved a little and shouted, "Somebody call an ambulance! He's hurt!"

 

 

After the operation, Heero was relieved to hear Duo would be ok. He had a few broken ribs and a broken arm, but it would heal. The most important thing was that Duo was alive.

 

Heero spent the whole night next to the peacefully sleeping boy. The doctors told him that Duo would be fine, but that he'd need time to recover from the operation. It would take two or three days. They told Heero to go home and rest, that they would call him when Duo woke up. After they received a death glare, they decided to let him stay, if he wanted to.

 

On the third day, Heero was very impatient. 'They said two or three days, which means three days at the most. Why is he still asleep, then? Is he going to be ok?' He brushed the boy's bangs away from his face and caressed his cheek. "I'm sorry Duo. This is all my fault. You could have died because of me.... I'm so sorry."

 

Heero started crying again. He buried his face in Duo's chest and sobbed, so he didn't notice Shinigami's eyelids move. "I'm so sorry, Duo. I hope you can forgive me for being so cold, but I was afraid to admit that I love you. Wake up, Duo, please, you have to know how I feel about you. Don't leave me!" He hugged the boy tightly and continued crying. And then he felt an arm, ever so slowly, coming up to return the hug. Heero lifted his head and saw two huge violet orbs looking down at him, full of love and happiness.

 

"Duo! You're awake!"

 

"Yeah." Duo smiled weakly. "And I've heard everything you said."

 

Fear showed in Heero's eyes. 'He's going to reject me. He's going to tell me how disgusting I am, just as I feared he will.' Duo closed his eyes again. He was still too weak. But he had to tell Heero how he felt. He knew that, if he stayed silent, Heero would take it as a rejection. So, he used all his strength and will power to smile. He smiled and looked at Heero lovingly. "Ai shiteru, Heero. I love you too. And don't feel bad. It's not your fault.... I wasn't looking." He smiled again and his eyes closed once again. Heero just smiled at the boy who drifted back to sleep. All of his dreams just came true. Duo loved him!

 

 

After a few days, Duo came home from the hospital. Their home. He told Heero to move in with him as soon as he heard Heero was staying in a hotel. Heero tried to protest, but it was useless. Duo was too stubborn and Heero really wanted to move in with him, anyway. When he came home, Duo was able to walk, but Heero insisted to carry him. He laid him on the bed and kissed him gently on the forehead. Duo smiled.

 

"You know, you have only one bed," Heero said, smiling back.

 

Duo loved the way the Japanese boy looked when he was smiling. "Well, when I invited you to stay, I expected things to happen a little faster..." he trailed off and blinked innocently.

 

Heero frowned. "I'm sorry, it's just that..."

 

"No, Heero, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to rush you or anything. I was just making a joke.”

 

"I know... But we still haven't kissed yet. I'm afraid you might realize you were wrong and that you don't really want me...."

 

'So that's why he hadn't kissed me!' Duo mused. "Baka."

 

He put his hands on Heero's shoulders, pulling the Japanese boy closer and pressing their lips together. He licked Heero's lower lip, then the upper one. It took Heero a moment to process what just happened and he parted his lips. Duo slid his tongue inside and they kissed passionately. They parted when they had to come for air. Duo hugged Heero tightly and Heero returned the embrace. He whispered in the Japanese boy's ear, "Don't ever think I might change my mind. I love you with all my heart Heero.

 

"Ai shiteru zutto, Duo"

 

Duo slowly pulled Heero on the bed and started unbuttoning his shirt. Heero reached for the switch and turned off the light. Moans were heard long into the night.

 

 

Owari