Say My Name, Say My Name

Part 1

“Oh god....” the words were soft on Justin Timberlake’s lips. He moaned pulling his lover down on top of him. He clutched at the strong back and broad shoulders, sighing as his partner thrust into him. How long had they been making love? He couldn’t remember, but he liked it god he fucking loved it. Every minute this strong body was on his, every hard thrust inside of him made him want to live in this pleasure forever. This was how love was supposed to be. His eyes fluttered closed. Sweat dripped from his brow. His thick blond curls matted to his forehead.

“Oh... I love you soo much....” he whispered. “Harder.. Please Lover.... make me come.... I want to come...” he begged arching against the man above him. His hand cupped the back of his lover’s head, curling through the silky spikes and pulling him down into a kiss.

“Oh fuck....” Justin hissed as the feelings of raw pleasure took over his mind and body. He felt the older man’s seed spill into his bowels and let go. He came between them clutching the man tighter to his chest. “Oh Josh.... oh my god... yes...” he yelled shuddering and withering beneath his lover. His head fell backward as exhaustion set into his thin frame. He fell sleep within seconds.

He didn’t see... he didn’t see the unhindered pain settle across Lance Bass’ face in the early morning night.

Part 2

Lance sat huddled beside the door crying into his arms.. How was this possible? How could Justin say.. JC’s name instead of his? Justin loved him, right? They were soul-mates, right? Weren’t they? Wasn’t that was the silvery platinum band on his finger meant?

They were as married as two men could get in the US without flying out to Hawaii. That had to be worth something in the grand scheme of things. This was just some huge, horrible, monumental, cosmic mistake. Justin DID love him... and only him... he always said soo.. Everyday Lance heard the adoration and sincerity in Justin’s voice. Maybe he had heard wrong....

He slowly pulled himself up off the floor. He moved back toward the bed where Justin lay sleeping... Slowly resting his weight on the mattress he let out a breath he didn’t know he’d been holding. He reached out brushing the unruly curls from the boy’s forehead.

“Justin?” he asked quietly. Justin smiled in his sleep. “Justin... do you love me?” Lance’s voice was deep, and thick with emotion and need. Justin shifted in his sleep breathing in deeply. He smacked his lips reaching sleepily for Lance’s hand.

“Of course I do... I’ll love you till the day I die.... I’ve always loved you...” Justin snuggled back into his pillow slowly releasing Lance’s hand. Lance felt his body relax slightly. He pulled himself farther onto the bed and snuggled up to Justin’s back.

“I love you too... Justin...” he whispered kissing the back of Justin’s neck.

“Go to sleep Joshua.. we have an early day tomorrow...” Justin sighed falling back into the world of sleep. Lance froze behind him swiftly pulling away.

Once was a slip of the tongue. Twice was for real. This couldn’t be ignored and written off as a fluke. Justin... He fell his tears renewed and quickly slipped from the mattress. He pulled on a t-shirt and a pair of jeans. He ran from the room, not even noticing as Joey dodged out of the way midway to the stairwell. He ran from the hall, from the floor, from the hotel, barefoot and barely containing his sobs of agony. His heart was split in too.

Part 3

Lance slowed to a walk. He was completely numb, from the events of the morning or the bitter cold of a Chicago winter, he wasn’t quite sure. He stopped at a crosswalk waiting for the light to change. Leaning on a tall metal light post he closed his eyes and bit back one final sob. His eyes drifted open. He was bare foot... coatless.... in Chicago.... in February. Then he felt it, the cold painful ache in his feet. Shit it was cold. Much too cold for the young Southern boy to be running around sleeveless and shoeless. He looked up and down the street. A large department store was less then a half a block away. He covered the distance rather quickly and stepped into the warm cozy store.

God his feet were killing him. He slumped into a chair, pulling his feet up into his lap. He touched the paler-than-normal-skin and grimaced. They were so hard and numb. He groaned. What could possibly be wrong now? This wasn’t normal.. He poked at the flesh again. It was almost completely numb yet it also carried a sharp painful ache that shot up his toes and into his ankles.

“You really should go see a doctor.. That needs medical attention..” Lance’s head shot up. A small elderly woman was standing in front of him. A look of sympathy crossing her features.

“What?” he asked in confusion. She smiled gently. The skin around her eyes crinkling at the movement.

“You my dear, have frostbite...” she spoke gently. He must have looked horrified. “It is still in an early stage... you wont have any permanent damage if you get it looked at soon...”

“Oh... yeah... I probably should; shouldn’t I?” he asked frowning sadly. She laughed sitting down beside him.

“Tell me Sweetie... what processed you to go running around Chicago half dressed and barefoot?” he frowned at the question, Justin’s whispered confession of loving and wanting JC still painful to his heart.

“My lover said the wrong name when we were making love this morning...” he looked up at her. “Twice...” he added as an afterthought.

“Oh... well I’m not quite sure what to say to help you. You have to talk to this person, soon if possible. Find out how deep their feelings go... it’s gonna be tough no matter what happens...” she rubbed his shoulder in a way that flashed him back to his Nana. She used to do the same thing when he was hurt or sad. The feeling made him smile lightly at her.

“Thank you... I think I do need to see a doctor though...” she stood up gingerly.

“Come along then... I’ll give you a ride to the hospital...” she offered him a hand up. He accepted smiling at her sweetly.

Part 4

Lance groaned. A nurse was gingerly wrapping his feet in a body heat activated gauze. He hissed and she looked up apologetically. He gave her an awkward smile. Mild frostbite.... the frozen skin had thawed in the warm water his feet had been submerged in they were left red and horribly painful. No permanent damage.. He’d been thankful for that. She finished his dressings before leaving quietly to tend to another patient.

Lance leaned his head back looking reluctantly at the phone sitting on the small table beside him. He needed his wallet... and a jacket... and a friend. He mentally went over his options.

Justin... HELL NO!!!

JC... he didn’t even want to hear his voice let alone see him in person.

Chris... was with Dani.

“Joey it is...” he muttered dialing the familiar numbers of Joey’s cell phone. Joey answered rather quickly.

“Lance?” his voice was frantic.

“It’s me Joe...” Lance said softly.

“Oh my god Lance... where are you man? Are you okay?” Lance heard both Josh and Justin’s concerned voices echoing in the background. He tossed his bed back again.

“I’ll be okay Joe... listen.. I need you to come get me, but don’t tell the others... okay?”

“Why?”Joey asked.

“Just please do this for me Joe’Joe I need you to come.. Just you....”

“Alright where are you?”

“Chicago Memorial Hospital; the emergency room.”

“Lance?” Joey’s tone was concern.

“I’m fine okay... just please come get me Joey. Bring my jacket and wallet with you...”

“I’ll be right there Lance...” they said their goodbyes. Lance felt the tears coming again. He pushed them away. He wasn’t gonna cry again.

Part 5

Lance stretched put across the back of the limo Joey had brought with him. Joey pulled his head into his lap. He pushed back Lance’s golden locks looking down sadly.

“Tell me what’s wrong Lance... the guys are all really worried... Justin woke up alone and you ran out so fast this morning you nearly creamed me. You were so upset Lance... what happened?” Joey asked softly. He ran his fingers across Lance’s forehead. Lance stared blankly up at the car’s ceiling.

“I don’t want to talk bout it Joe....” Joey frowned at the whisper. Lance shifted his feet gasping as they bumped the door handle. Joey’s frown deepened.

“I’m worried about you Lance... tell me so I can help you...” he whispered. Lance turned his head slightly to look at Joey.

“I.... I really do love him.... do you think that... that maybe he knows that?” Lance asked. His eyes held such sorrow in them. Joey felt his heart clench.

“Of course he does...” Joey assured his friend. “Why would you doubt that? Lance, you mean more to Justin than anyone else in the world...” he explained. He watched Lance’s face crinkle in a sarcastic pout.

“I wish that was true...” Lance said closing his eyes and sighing. “I really do...”

“Talk to me Lance... please...” Lance looked up at his friend again.

“How do you tell your husband that you can’t be married to them anymore?” he whispered hoarsely. Joey sighed his eyes filled with confusion.

“I don’t know Lance... I really don’t know...” he whispered his own voice rough and broken. He simply stroked back Lance’s hair. “Get some sleep Lance... you’re tired...” he coaxed.

“I don’t wanna go back yet Joe’Joe...” Lance whispered curling tighter against Joey’s lap. Joey smiled sadly.

“We won’t then... just sleep Lance... we can drive around all day if you want too...” Joey promised. He continued to watch Lance as he fell asleep. What the hell was going on here? Why was Lance hurting so much? What did he mean by his words? Was he leaving Justin? He shook his head momentarily clearing away the thoughts. He hummed a soft tune intent on letting Lance sleep as long as possible.

Part 6a

Lance looked at his sleeping husband. He looked so peaceful. Watching him completely relaxed... Lance almost believed Justin looked only 19.. Anyone who had met them knew they were older then their bodies. Justin and Lance were the babies of the group. The spotlight children. They had grown up in the music business. It definitely had an impact. They all knew it. Justin and he were Business-smart while Joey was street-smart. It was just the way it was. They knew how things worked here. Maybe that was why they had always been so close. They were naturally thrown into the same boat. The same category. There was two year age difference that no one seemed to acknowledged. The others loved their ‘little brothers’ so it was natural to love each other. The road got hard and having a warm body to hold onto in an indistinct city had become a necessity. Maybe that was why Justin had Lance’s pillow held firmly against his abdomen. He clutched it like a life time. Lance frowned. Justin was relaxed but not happy. He could tell by the way his eyes and lips were moving in his sleep.

Lance took a sip of his water as he gingerly sat down. This was going to be very hard. Very hard... He put the glass down making sure to make a large sound in doing so. Justin snapped awake flipping over to look at his Husband. He rubbed the sleep from his eyes smiling at Lance tiredly.

“Hey Lover... You okay? I’ve been worried Sweetie.... where were you all day?” Justin asked sitting up and turning to face Lance. Lance remained silent trying to control his emotions. Part of him wanted to strangle Justin, part wanted to sob and cry and beg Justin to forget he ever met Joshua Chasez. Part wanted to turn around and leave the room, the hotel, the city... to never see this blue eyed angel ever again. But still another part wanted to get every question racing through his head their answer.

“Sorry to wake you Justin.” Lance said. His voice was icy and Justin visibly tensed at the unfamiliar sound. “We need to talk LOVE...”he spat the last word out harshly.

“Honey... what is wrong?” Justin asked gently, not wanting to upset his lover.

“We need to talk... now....” Lance answered.

“Okay... what do you want to talk about?”

“Do you love me?”

“Of course I do... I’ll love you till the day I die.... I’ve always loved you...” Lance sneered at him.

“Don’t play me Justin Timberlake... you don’t love me... just tell me already... you have never loved me...” Lance whispered. Justin’s jaw dropped.

“Lance...”Lance cut him off.

“So you do remember MY name....” Justin looked totally confused. “Tell me; is Josh as good a lover as I am... or is he better?” Lance whispered. Justin’s eyes went wide.

Part 6b

“What are you talking about?”Justin whispered. But Lance saw the flicker of fear.

“We were fucking Justin; and you called out for HIM... not me... not your mother-fucking-husband but for your precious JOSH...” Lance’s face was red with emotion. “You told me you loved me then called my Josh again... twice... not once did you even open your eyes and look at me. You were pretending I was him... so now I wanna know....” Justin was staring at the carpet twisting his fingers, tears flooding his face. “I wanna know how long you have been screwing one of my best-friends.... I wanna know how far into our marriage I stopped being enough.. I wanna know...” Lance choked back a sob as his own tears started again. “when everything we had ever promised each-other became worthless in your eyes... when you stopped caring about me and started caring for Josh... I wanna know.... I wanna know WHY? Why you did this to us.... to me...” Lance whispered. He looked at Justin who was now sobbing into his own hands. “Just tell me so I can move on with my life...” he pleaded.

“I don’t know Lance... I never meant to hurt you... I’m sor..” Lance cut him off again.

“Don’t... you aren’t sorry.. At least not for betraying our vows or for breaking my heart.. You are only sorry that you got caught...” Lance held in a whimper. “Just a number.... that is all I want right now...”

“7...” Justin whispered through his tears. Lance looked up at him.

“7 what?” Lance prodded. “Days, weeks...”

“Years...” Justin whispered. Lance felt his heart clench.

“7... years... since before... before everything.... before.... before we met even?” Justin nodded weakly. “You didn’t fall in love with him, you didn’t fall out of love with me... it was ALWAYS HIM... wasn’t it?” Justin merely looked up at him. “It was all one huge lie.. every part of it... every minute I have known you was fake... our first kiss... it wasn’t yours... the first time we made love... you weren’t a virgin... every aspect of our relationship... of our friendship.. of it all was a gigantic lie.. a hoax.. for your entertainment....” Lance whispered. His heart was in a million pieces. “You took everything I had.. My heart, my soul, my virginity... I gave you it all. Every bit of me was for you... lived for you.... I gave up everything I had for YOU...” Lance screamed. He stood quickly tossing his chair backward and shoving over the small table, sending his water crashing to the floor. “ I gave up my faith for you... my religion... my family... my home for you...” Lance sobbed into his hands. He looked up at his husband. “I hate you... I hope you die.. and go straight to hell... you perverted FUCK!” Lance screamed. He ran from the room then. His feet hurting tremendously. He ran and ran. He flew out the hotel doors to where Joey waited for him beside the car.

Part 7

Lance lay across Joey’s chest. They had rented a hotel room for the night. It was small cheap and dingy. Tear streaks ran across Lance’s face. Dark places spotting across Joey’s grey t-shirt. Joey looked on sadly as Lance stared, blanking, at the wall. Lance whimpered in the silence of the room, and Joey rubbed small circles on his back. He didn’t know how to comfort his friend. He knew nothing of his friends ‘marital disagreement’ Lance had merely asked him to stay out front. That he needed a few minutes to talk with Justin and they would be leaving again. He’d been shocked to see Lance come running from the building sobbing and nearly hysterical.

Lance wouldn’t talk. He merely rocked in Joey’s arms mumbling something about 7 years and Josh and hating them. He just held his friend, telling the driver to find the nearest motel for the night. They had gone directly to the room and Lance had continued to cry his eyes out. It had been hours and Lance had just now stopped sobbing. Joey sighed.

“I hate him Joey...” Lance whispered softly. Joey’s hand resumed it’s circular pattern on Lance’s back.

“No, you don’t mean that...” the Italian spoke gently, soothingly. Lance tilted his head to look at him. The blank faraway look in his eyes startled Joey.

“Joe... I’ve never hated another living breathing being in my entire life...” Lance sighed tiredly. He rested his head down again. “Until now... but I do hate him... him and JC both...” his eyes ached with another round of tears. “I hate them...” he croaked. “And I hate hating them.. For letting them have this much power over me... I hate that I trusted them, that I loved them... that I married HIM...” he squeezed his eyes shut tightly. “That I gave him so much of me.. Of my life... that some fucked up dysfunctional part of my heart longs for his arms and his lips. That my mouth craves his taste...” Joey hushed him holding him closer.

“You’ve loved him for a long time Lance. You can’t just shut off emotions like that in the span of 24 hours...” Joey offered. Lance nodded mutely. He sighed again.

“It hurts even more to know he was never even a friend. All this time...” Lance trailed off, shaking his head. Joey looked at him quietly. None of this made any sense...

“Lance, tell me... tell me what happened... What he did to hurt you so badly...”Lance froze in his arms sitting up quickly. Lance sat facing away from him. His back was shaking slightly as he fought against tears. Joey sat up wrapping his arms around Lance’s shoulders. “Please Lance... tell me...” Lance crumpled in his arms.

“He’s...” Lance’s voice was tired and weak. He stared up at the ceiling. “He’s been fucking Josh...” Joey froze behind him. His arms pulling Lance closer unconsciously. “He has been for a long time...”Lance whispered. Joey rested his head on Lance’s shoulder.

“How long is a long time?” Joey questioned. Lance stiffened again. He looked over his shoulder at Joey. His eyes were filled with sorrow.

“A looooong time...” his emphasis on the words getting his point across to his friend. Joey’s eyes closed as he felt his body go slack against Lance’s back.

“I’m so sorry Lance...” he whispered. Lance nodded.

“So am I Joey, so am I...” Lance whispered arms closing over Joeys to keep him in place.

Part 8

Lance walked through the hotel hallway; clutching Joey’s arm tightly. He didn’t want to be here. He wanted to be anywhere but here. As far as the Mississippian was concerned *Nsync was over. He never wanted to see JC or Justin EVER again. Yet here they were walking through the hotel corridor toward the suite JC, Joey and Chris had originally shared. He knew they would all be there. Lance sighed squaring his shoulders. He had to do this. They had hidden away for two full days. It was time to go back and face the music. Joey looked at his friend reassuringly.

“You’re sure?” he whispered. Lance smiled sadly.

“I’ll be okay Joey...”Lance assured him. Joey nodded using his card key to open the hotel room and step inside. Chris was on the couch reading a book when they entered. He immediately jumped to his feet and hugged the two.

“Are you guys okay?... You could’ve at least called me.. I was going out of my mind... Justin and JC are acting REALLY strange lately...” He lowered his voce. They were all startled when the door burst open right that second and JC waltzed through. Justin was following behind. His eyes immediately dropped to his feet when he saw Lance was there.

“Why what do you mean Christopher?” JC asked smiling widely. He looked at his missing band-mates. “Hey! When did you two get back? Missed ya...” he said offering a fake smile. Lance reached out to stop Joey from advancing. He could practically hear the older mans blood boiling.

“Oh Josh... I didn’t know you cared...” Lance offered his voice sugary sweet.

“Of course I do Lansten... we are all bandmates... brothers.. Are we not?” Josh asked rocking back and forth. Lance’s gaze landed on Justin who stood to the right and slightly behind JC. Lance looked back to JC.

“Nope...” Lance said straight out. JC looked confused.

“What?” All three asked in confusion. Joey stepped closer to Lance touching his back gently. Lance shrugged and then smiled.

“Simple... I quit.. Nsync is over... at least to me and Joey it is... We leave when the last tour stop is over.. Which in case you didn’t know is a week from yesterday... no more interviews, meet n greets, tv, radio, or autograph signings... the next 3 concerts... that is IT” Lance explained. Silence. Chris regained his composure first.

“What? You can’t just up and leave like this... we are a family... we have obligations.” he asked frantically. “Joey?” his tone was questioning. Joey frowned and nodded.

“I’m sorry Chris.. Stuff has happened.. Lance and I are leaving... we can no longer associate with either JC or Justin. It’s over...” Joey said apologetically.

“Well.. Someone explain to me what it is that happened..” Chris was very confused. JC blew hair out of his face and rolled his eyes.

“Lance is just being a bitch...” he muttered crossing his arms across his chest. Lance stepped out of the way so Joey had a straight shot. 15 seconds later JC was sprawled out over the floor cradling his bloody nose. He scowled up at the two. Lance carefully looked away as Justin kneeled beside him to help. Joey stepped protectively in front of Lance.

“Grow up JC.. Do you really need to resort to name calling... if you want to we could totally go there... I don’t have a problem with it.... for instance adulterer, ass-hole, dick head, mother fucking jack-ass... or maybe I should go straight for the heart of the situation... pervert, child abuser, rapist, sexual molester, criminal... last time I checked fucking a 13 year old when your 18 already... was against the law. I doubt you stopped the day you turned 18 and waited the 6 years for Justin to be legal...” Joey smirked. Justin’s head snapped up to look at Lance. His eyes were pleading.. Lance looked away focusing his eyes on JC.

“Goodbye Joshua.. you can have him... 6 days... and I am gone...” Lance said quietly. “Don’t talk to me, don’t approach me, and definitely stay the hell out of my way...” Lance turned from them and left the room. Joey at his heels. The door shut behind them and Lance’s facade crumpled. He nearly hit the floor, but Joey was behind him. He held Lance up, dragging his sobbing form to the elevator.

“Shhh Lance, it’s okay Sweetie...” he soothed holding him close as the elevator doors swung shut behind them.

Part 9

Lance sighed leaning back against his pillows. He was so tired of this. He was beginning to wish he had never joined Nsync. He had finally convinced Joey to go to his room to shower and pack, they had already missed one show and had to leave early the next morning to make the next. Lance flipped off the TV.

Lance was truly and honestly confused, this wasn’t common. The Mississippian was usually on top of everything having to do with his life. His entire world had been torn to pieces in the past few days. He closed his eyes relishing in the silence and darkness of his hotel room. He relaxed his body. The sound of a door opening and closing next door made him turn. Damn hotel room walls. They were always too thin. He heard foot steps and the creak of bed springs.

“Come ‘ere” he heard a voice say. It was slightly slurred.

“Josh... come on you’re drunk..” Lance’s heart stopped. Oh God, it was JC and Justin.

“Curly, I love you... don’t you love me?” Josh asked. Justin sighed.

“Of course I do... I just...” Josh got angry. Lance cringed feeling the tears again.

“You’re sorry about Lance?” Josh asked. Silence. “I knew it... you had us both for a VERY long time Justin... I loved you soo much and you loved him... why didn’t you just choose... if he hadn’t found out you still be with us both... that hurts Justin..” JC’s voice was clearer now. Another creak.

“I‘m sorry Josh... it’s just.. we were so young when we met and I loved you so much... and then HE came along... it.. we were so much alike Josh.. And he liked me. You were all I had ever known... I needed to love him... for me... and then Lance asked me to marry him.. It was so perfect.” Justin trailed off. “I never wanted to hurt either of you... please believe that Josh.. I didn’t know what to do...” he trailed off. Lance pressed his face into a pillow to keep from being heard.

“That doesn’t make it hurt any less.... do.. do you think we were wrong?” Josh asked quietly.

“About what?” Justin paused. “Ohh... No Josh it wasn’t wrong.. We really loved each other. I think we were meant to be together. I mean.. Yeah... I was really young... but I wanted to be with you... I was 16 before we really did anything... a lot of people would think it is wrong.. But I don’t..” Justin promised. “I love you Josh.. I want to be with you forever.. Never doubt that.” Josh sighed flopping backwards.

“I’m sorry we hurt him...” Josh said softly.

“I know.. so am I... but I love you Joshua... I wish we, I hadn’t hurt him... but he’ll be okay... He has Joey looking out for him...” Justin reassured. Lance held in a sob as he heard them kiss. He scrambled from the bed, not wanting to hear how far this would go. He threw his door open and ran to Joey’s room. Joey answered quickly.

“Lance...” He whispered.

“Justin and JC.. They’re in the next room over...” Lance whispered. Joey hugged him.

“Come on.. We’ll stay here tonight...” Joey said helping him inside.

“I feel like such a girl... crying all the time...” Lance whispered as the door shut behind him.

tbc...