I’ll Be Missing You

You never know what you have til it’s gone. Like the feel of your lover’s breath on your neck, or their fingers in your hair, the way their hand fits so perfectly in your own. I miss his heart beat beneath my temple, and how his skin warmed my bare cheek. I miss his smell, the familiar scent of spearmint and leather, the way he always smelled the same no matter what shampoo the hotel provided or whether or not he had just showered or just worked out. There is so much to miss.

I miss his eyes, the way they follow me around the dance floor and from the bathroom to the dresser and back again. I miss the way he sighed my name in his sleep, or moaned it when we made love. I’ll miss him until the day we are together again in Heaven. Our love is to pure, to beautiful and good to be wrong. To real to be a sin.

I remember the last time I saw him. It was at the airport and we were going on separate planes to separate places in separate directions. He hugged me, promising to call me from the plane. He smiled that special smile. The one just for me. I loved that smile.

I remember talking to him on my cell phone, giggling and whispering sweet nothings to each other. I remember the scream that startled us both and the panic that filled his voice. I remember crying out and promising it would be okay. That we would be fine, that is was nothing. I remember feeling my heart shudder in my chest as the line filled with static. I remember him crying out my name and screaming it over and over as the plane went down over the Atlantic. I screamed out my love for him, needing him to hear it one more time before it was to late. I remember his desperation as he called for me. I couldn’t say anything. I was frozen solid gripping the phone tightly in my hand. Then the line went dead and my lungs filled with water. We had crashed. I had drowned. I remember him, the way he held me as I slept, and sang to me, silly jokes and nonsense poems meant to make me laugh.

I watch him now. He’s crying again and I want to hold him in my arms. Tell him that I’m right here. That I’m okay. That he was the last thought on my mind. The last words on my lips were for him. That I simply stopped being alive and that I hadn’t suffered. I hadn’t fought the water. I breathed it in deep and cried for him. That I was waiting for him. Cause what’s heaven without him there with me? I won’t leave his side for a single moment. Not until he’s ready to go with me.... I refuse to leave, I love him to much. But my heart aches for him... for his touch and his kisses... he’s alone now. The other’s think he fell asleep in our bed. The door closes behind them as they leave him to rest. I smile sadly at them from my place standing in the corner, they’re not doing much better then he is. He sits up in bed moving to rest his face on my pillow. He breathes in deep. He’d done it a thousand times before, sucking in my scent from the pillowcase. He says I smell like perfection.

“Josh...” he whispers. I move closer and sit beside him. He smiles quietly. “Lay with me...” he whispers. I simply watch him. He picks his head up, turning, looking in my general direction. “I can feel you Joshua... you’re here... I can smell you... lay with me please...” I lay beside him. He smiles just slightly. “I was so scared Joshua... I could hear... you wouldn’t say anything to me.... I could hear your breathing and then you were just gone... nothing....” He smiled slightly. “I don’t remember how I got through the rest of the flight... I love you so much... I’m so sorry... I never meant for this to happen...” I was crying now. “It’s okay Josh... It’s alright... I’ll miss you... but I’ll be okay... I have the guys... we’ll be alright... just go on... go home... I know you’ll be waiting for me... soon.... not today... but soon... don’t worry about me... go rest in paradise... give Grams a big hug for me... tell her I miss her and that I still long for her home made cookies...” he always know the perfect thing to say to me. I laughed gently leaning forward and pressing a breath soft kiss to his lips. He gasped and shivered. “One last kiss goodbye...” he whispered. I smiled trailing a finger across his forehead.

“I love you....”I whispered.