HAVE YOU EVER?

1/3

Have you ever loved someone soo much that you are willing to sacrifice your entire life for their happiness? Have you ever loved someone soo much that you let them go?... That you gave up every chance of your own happiness to let them achieve their dreams?... I know what that feels like. I gave him up.. My first love... I have always thought Kevin to be my soul-mate... he was my everything for four years. Then he got this great gig... and the Backstreet Boys were born... he was so excited when they first started out. He had so much hope for their future. Five great friends... harmony that was unbelievably well done. Then Lou found out about me.. God I can still see the disgust on his face when we admitted to his accusations.

He was an ass-hole from the beginning.

So... I went away... I left him, my lover. The guys, my friends. Even Orlando, my home.

So when the Backstreet Boys were big enough and had split from Lou Pearlman and TransCon, I thought he’d call me up... that we could be together. I was VERY wrong. He never even tried. I thought maybe he didn’t have the number... I had moved after all. So I did the logical thing... I got backstage passes to a BSB concert in Tampa, Florida. This was my last resort.

I can still remember waiting in the line. I had Emily with me. Saddie had lived beside me for a long time. I confided in her, she knew everything, I knew she’d never tell a soul. She was single mother and I’d helped her with Emily for quite a while. She’s been my “daughter” since she was two. She was 6 when it happened, and to her, I’ve always been Daddy. She knows I’m not her real Dad. We explained it to her when she first questioned why Dada lived in the house next door.

She was soo excited to see these ‘Gods’ in concert. I’m sure that was mostly my fault. She’d grown up hearing them around my house. Listening to my old friends sing had been my only way to still have Kevin. She stood bouncing beside me, her hands clutching her favorite Backstreet Boys Cd and my own hand respectably. She squealed a little, each time the line moved. I squeezed her hand gently. She looked up at me, eyes wide and happy. She bit her lip.

“Yes Daddy?” she asked. I grinned at her.

“Emmeline... I know you are excited... but please calm down... we don’t want to be mean... these guys are normal people... they get screeched at everyday...” she thought a minute before nodding.

“Okay.... you’re right... no more squealing... okay Daddy....” she said a smile spread across her face.

“Are you, my darling, implying that I am not ALWAYS right?” I asked grinning back. She shrugged.

“Depends..”

“On what?”

“I’m not sure what implying means....” she said moving forward with the line. I chuckled reaching for her hand again and moving forward.

Howie was the first sitting at the table. He sat smiling in the sweet way only he could pull off. I was surprised when not once did I see him wink. He smiled at the girl in front of us, before standing and giving the speechless girl a hug. The line moved up again as the still speechless girl moved on to see Nick. Howie’s attention was immediately on Em. She smiled at him and handed over the European single of “As Long As You Love Me”. It had become her favorite out of all the cd’s we had collected over the years. He looked at it with wide eyes.

“Wow... I haven’t seen one of these in years... what’s your name sweetie?” he asked smiling happily. Emily tugged on my hand, I bent closer to her.

“Daddy... is he considered a stranger?” she asked speaking loud enough for Howie to over hear. I smiled glancing over at my old friend. I saw realization fill his eyes.

“No Sweetie.. He isn’t a stranger.... besides.. I’m here aren’t I?” I said grinning at her. She giggled.

“Of course Daddy....” she turned back to Howie sticking out a hand. He shook it gently. “Hi I’m Emmeline Harris... pleased to meet you.” she said sweetly.

“Hi I’m Howie... would you like to stay a while and meet everyone in private?” he asked her. She squealed slightly before immediately settling herself down again. She looked up at me using her big green eyes to their maximum capacity.

“Please Daddy....” she pouted. I rolled my eyes.

“No pouting Emily...” I said. Her lip quickly retracted back to it’s natural place in her face. But the eyes only doubled their assault on my will power. I glanced up at Howie before nodding. She gave a quick jump of excitement tugging on my hand. “Tell us where and when...” I said trying to sound cheerful. I glanced down the table to where Kevin sat talking to a fan. I turned back to Howie. He smiled apologetically.

“The Hyatt Regency.....room 1114...” He handed me his spare room key. “I’m sharing with Nicky for tonight.... to much of a hassle to go home after the concert... we’re all to tired to drive. We’ll order up room-service...” he said making Emmy laugh.

“We gotta go.. We’re holding up the line...” I said weakly. Maybe I hadn’t thought this out completely. Just as the thought cycled through my mind I heard the familiar laugh of Kevin. I faked a smile. “Later D...” Em giggled all the way out of the small room autographed CD clutched to her chest. This was gonna be a long night.

2/3

Nearly four hours later the concert was finished and we had made it to the car. I called Saddie with my cell phone.

“Hello?” great I had woken her up.

“Saddie!” I said cheerfully.

“Oh hi Joshy... where are you and ma baby?” she asked considerably more awake.

“We just got to the car... Sadd.... we got meet and greets...” she sighed.

“Josh... what happened? How are you? I’ll kill the Bastard....” she spat. I smiled as Emily buckled herself into the back seat. I had made sure to bring her baby blankie with us. She had her face and hands tangled in it.

“He didn’t notice us... Howie did.... Sadd he wants us to come to the hotel to see them... Em hasn’t met any of the others...” I heard her nails taping on her night-stand. She did that when she was thinking.

“I don’t want to see you fighting with HIM... I won’t put her through that Joshua...”

“Neither would I Saddie... I won’t let her see anything like that...”

“Alright... but... just take care of yourself....and Emmy.. Tell her I love her...”

“Mommy says she loves you...” I spoke to Emily. She smiled. Yelling the same in response. I heard Saddie laugh on the other end. “I love you Sadrana...” I whispered. She sighed.

“I love you to Joshua.. Call me anytime.... I mean it...if you need me call.”

“I know... I’ll keep you posted. The cell is on constantly.”

“Go have some fun J.... don’t keep her up to late.. Is she gets sleepy...”

“I’ll rent a hotel room and we will come home tomorrow” She snorted again.

“Goodbye Josh... I love you..” click.... God she was amazing. My thoughts were caught off by an encouraging cough from Emmeline. I smiled heading for the highway.

Presenting the room card to the security guards proved very useful. We were escorted past the waiting fans and inside. We went up to the floor the boys had rented. A VERY large bodyguard was waiting on the other side of the elevator doors. He looked at us suspiciously. I smiled a familiar smile and recognition slashed across his face.

“Joshy?” he asked. I laughed and found myself lifted from the ground and swung around.

“Missed you too Dre...” I squeaked as he hugged me tight. He finally sat me down again. “Dre meet Emily... Emily this is Dre... he’s an old friend of mine... he takes care of the Backstreet Boys... he keeps them safe..” she listened intently before smiling at him.

“Daddy... is he a stranger?” she asked shyly.

“Yes he is... but I know him and he’s okay to talk too...” she nodded before turning back to him.

“Hi.. I’m Emmy... I’m very pleased to meet you...” she even curtsied. He laughed and bowed in response.

“It’s nice to meet you too Emmy...” he turned to me. “Josh... anyone particular expecting your company?”

“D...” I pulled the card from my pocket. “Gave me his room card...” he smiled.

“Howard said to expect a surprise... I’m glad it was you... come on you two... they’re waiting on you...”

Howie answered the door already dressed in baggy sweats. He smiled at us letting us in past him. Nick smiled at us too. He jumped up, immediately hugging me tightly. Then he dropped to his knees in front of Emily.

“Hi...” she said. I squeezed her hand and she smiled at him. “I’m Emily...”

“I know Howie told me all about you... he didn’t mention how pretty you are though...” she blushed hiding her head in my side. She fought against the giggles.

“You’re pretty too Nicky...” she whispered. He laughed standing back up again. He looked at me discreetly before climbing into the middle of the bed to answer Emily’s hundreds of silly questions. Howie pulled me to the kitchenette on the other side of the suite. I watched them mutely while he watched me.

“Where is he?” I whispered. He looked down at his feet. “Howie?”

“He didn’t want to come... he said if your daughter was gonna be here he didn’t care to see you...”

“What was the real reason?”

“It’s been 8 years Josh... He’s involved... I’m sorry...”

“Why did you invite me here Howie?” he looked up at me. “So he could refuse to see me... you should have told me what was happening... I wouldn’t have come. I wouldn’t have brought Emily here... God.. Where is everybody else? I thought maybe Alex or Brian even...”

“AJ... is in his room... and Brian is with Kevin... you know the whole family supporting family thing they do...”

“Which rooms?”

“Josh...”

“I need to at least look him in the eyes and see that it’s over... please... I’ve been waiting since the day I left Orlando... not even a post card or a sorry we can’t see each other lets just be friends email.... I waited... I haven’t even been out on a date since Kevin...” I spat. He looked out at Emily and Nick. I shook my head. “She’s not mine Howie... I’m just the only man to ever be a stable part of her life. She’s my next door neighbors...”

“Oh.. I’m sorry Josh...”

“I don’t even know why I came here... nothing’s changed... he’s still a Backstreet Boy and I still have a dick... so what difference does it make?... I’ll stay for a little while.. Then we’ll leave... I don’t want to be here any longer then necessary... just go make her feel special... she deserves that much... call AJ... tell him to get his scrawny ass down here... she wants to meet the Backstreet Boys... not just two of them... call...”

“Alright...”

3/3

I stayed in the kitchen until AJ came in... he barely even looked in my direction heading straight for where Emily sat surrounded in pillows and the stuffed animals given to the guys at that nights concert. He gave her his biggest non frightening smile. She laughed at his antics as he joined her and the other two.

“Daddy....” I smiled standing up to look at her through the doorway. “What about Brian... and Kevin... he’s my favorite Daddy...” she said. I saw the pout forming on her pink lips. I smiled.

“Kevin’s not feeling very well right now... Brian’s taking care of him...”

“Is he sick?” her eyes had gone wide.

“No sweetie... he’s just tired... that concert was a lot of work for the guys...”

“Will you go check on him Daddy? You always make me feel better when I don’t feel very good...”

“I don’t think so sweetie...”

“Sure he can... Why don’t you go see how Kevin’s doing... it might show you how certain things affect people...” AJ hid the venom in his voice well. Emily merely nodded clapping her hands in agreement. I gave him a cold look before moving from the kitchen toward the door.

“Stay here Baby... listen to what Howie tells you to do okay... I’ll be right back...”

“Okay Daddy...”

Brian did not look happy to see me. My foot stopped the door from slamming in my face. I elbowed my way inside, earning only a raised eyebrow from Dre. Brian scowled at me.

“Fuck off Littrel... we have things to discuss....”

“I’m not going anywhere!”

“Brian.... please....” Kevin’s voice was soft and insistent. He was standing by the window, looking out over the quiet city. Brian growled low in his throat and stomped from the room. We stood in silence. He turned to look at me, his eyes hard. “Josh...” his voice was cold and emotionless. He was angry.

“No.... I’ve waited 8 years to say some things to you Kevin Richardson and you are going to sit there and listen...” I was yelling at him. I never yelled. He was shocked by the words and the tone and the volume. I slumped down into a chair. I looked at my hands balanced in my lap. All the anger had suddenly left me. “I loved you.. and I left you to save your dream... because you wanted to sing... and you wanted to be a Backstreet Boy more then anything else in the world. No one wanted to listen to a gay man sing about loving girls... I understood that so I left.... and that hurt... a lot Kevin.. But I did it for you...” he jumped in with a retort.

“You’re not gonna turn this into some weepy martyr story... where you sacrificed yourself for my happiness...”

“I’m not a martyr... I’ve never claimed to be one... but yes... I did leave for those reasons... but I thought you would still care about me, and that as soon as things got better you would be able to be with me again... I was sure you would call me up one day and say ‘Hey Josh.. Guess what that Fat-Ass Pearlman’s been scamming us and so we left the fucker... I miss you and I still love you... come be with me’... you never so much as called me Kevin... and I was very angry for a long time...” I said quietly.

“So you went out and fucked some bitch... got her knocked up and now you live the nice little straight boy fairy tale?” ha spat.

“You don’t talk about Saddie that way... and you don’t talk about Emmy that way either... you don’t know shit about me Kevin... or them or why anything that has happened went down... so don’t go for the quick comeback... I won’t let you make me feel guilty Kevin... it’s not like you haven’t moved on with your life already...”

“I don’t have a kid Josh... there’s a difference...”

“Emmeline isn’t mine...” I whispered. He looked at me. “She calls me Dad because she doesn’t have one of her own....” I looked up at him. “Now... she is here because she loves the Backstreet Boys... Something I taught her to do... she wants to meet them all not just some of them... and you, for some reason, are her favorite... now you are going to go over there and you are going to give her a smile and a hug and an autograph and make her feel as special as she is... I don’t care if you hate my guts... you aren’t going to disappoint her..” I growled. I stood from the chair. “Then when she is so happy she could just burst to pieces we’ll leave... and you can go back to your superstar life... and I can go back to Suburbia...” I looked at him one more time. “I never gave up on you Kevin... I never thought we wouldn’t get back together... I never...” I stopped again. “It doesn’t matter... you moved on... you just never had the guts to tell me to stop hoping..” I left then heading back to the room where my daughter sat surrounded by four of the five singers she loved the most.

I stopped mid-way there and leaned against the wall. It was over. He didn’t want me anymore. I sighed and rested my head back against the wall and let a single tear loose from my eye. It was over.