Dilbert - sex symbol of the 90s

By SCOTT ADAMS

I get about a hundred e-mail messages a day from readers of my comic strip, Dilbert. Most of the messages are from
disgruntled office workers, psychopaths, stalkers, comic-strip fans _ those sorts of people. However, a growing number of
messages are from women who write to say they think Dilbert is sexy. Some say they've already married someone like Dilbert,
and couldn't be happier.

If you're not familiar with Dilbert, he's an electrical engineer who spends most of his time at his computer. He's a nice guy, but
not exactly Kevin Costner.

Dilbert is polite, honest, employed, and educated. Those are good traits, but they don't explain the incredible sex appeal. So
what's the attraction?

I think it's the Darwinian aspect. We're attracted to people who have the best ability to survive. In the old days it was important
to be able to run down an antelope and kill it with a single blow to the forehead. However, that skill is becoming less important
every year. Presently, all that matters is whether or not one can install his/her own Ethernet card without having to call tech
support and confess his/her inadequacies to a stranger.

It's obvious that the world today has three distinct classes of people, each with its own evolutionary destiny:

ù

Knowledgeable Computer Users who will evolve into godlike noncorporeal beings who rule the universe (except for those who
work in tech support).

ù

Computer Owners who try to pass as knowledgeable but secretly use hand calculators to add totals to their Excel
spreadsheets. This group will gravitate toward jobs as high school principals and operators of pet crematoriums. Eventually they
will become extinct.

ù

Non-computer Users who will grow tails, sit in zoos, and fling dung at tourists.

Obviously, if you're a woman and you're trying to decide which evolutionary track you want your offspring to take, you don't
want them on the luge ride to the dung-flinging Olympics. You want a real man. You want a knowledgeable computer user with
real evolutionary potential.

And women prefer men who listen. Computer users are excellent listeners because they can look at you for long periods of time
without saying anything. Granted, early in a relationship it's better if the guy actually talks. But men use up all the stories they'll
ever have after six months. If a woman marries a guy who's in, let's say, retail sales, she'll get repeat stories starting in the
seventh month and lasting forever. Marry a computer programmer and she gets a great listener for the next seventy years.

Plus, with the ozone layer evaporating, it's good strategy to mate with somebody who has an indoor hobby. Outdoorsy men are
applying suntan lotion with SPF 10,000 and yet by the age of thirty they still look like dried chili peppers in trousers. Compare
that with the healthy glow of a man who spends twelve hours a day in front of a video screen.

It's also well established that computer users are better lovers. If you doubt the sexiness of male PC users, consider their hair.
They tend to have either (1) male pattern baldness _ a sign of elevated testosterone _ or (2) unkempt jungle hair _ the kind you
see only on people who just finished a frenzied bout of lovemaking.

In less enlightened times, the best way to impress women was to own a hot car. But women wised up and realized it was better
to buy their own hot cars so they wouldn't have to ride around with such jerks. Information technology has replaced hot cars as
the new symbol of robust manhood. Men know that unless they get a digital line to the Internet no woman is going to look at
them twice.

Finally there is the issue of mood lighting. Nothing looks sexier than a man in boxer shorts illuminated only by a fifteen-inch
SVGA monitor. If we agree that this is every woman's dream scenario, then I think we can also agree that it's best if the guy
knows how to use the computer. Otherwise, he'll just look like a loser sitting in front of a PC in his underwear.

In summary, it's not that I think non-PC users are less attractive. It's just that I'm sure they won't read this article.

______________________________________

From Windows Magazine. Copyright 1995 by CMP Publications, Inc., 600 Community Drive, Manhasset, NY 11030.