A moment for definition, a "soccer mom" is a normally unemployed housewife. About 5'3,(thats in height and what her neon pink tracksuit pants have to cover in the trunk) typically mid to late 30's and outside of the house a taxi service to their yuppie larva.
In days or yore (aka 1980's), an actor was president, a man with one glove and the ability to walk on the moon ruled the country. And these matriarchs ran around in the good, wholesome, nuclear family standard ... the station wagon. However, the soccer mom of today feels the need for something a little bigger. The over-hyped, under-needed SUV or Sport Utility Vehicle for those in a well the last 10 years.
Ah, the SUV, a suburban status symbol. Because, everyone in their right mind knows that is ALL they are. When was the last time little Suzie Homemaker took the family up in the Rockies ? Or to the bottom of the Grand Canyon ? Or to the mighty Redwood forests ? Well, never. Mainly becuase it would get the car dirty. That's right I said car. Gone are the days of the BMW, Volvo, and Benz as the sign that you have arrived in your neighborhood. Now we have members of the Lollipop Guild arriving in vehiles bigger than my first bedroom. The two biggest offenders of this new fad, let's hope that's all it turns out to be, is the Ford Excersion and Hummers. This personnel carrier is wider and longer than any Earthly parking space. If these moms could see over the dash to even be ABLE to look at the lines. Why do these women need a vehicle this big ? One reason, and I quote, "Because Betty has one!" Keeping up with the Joneses has moved into a new era. If Betty Neighbor had gun turrets on her "tank" then you best believe when Danny Homemaker got home Suzie would be in her best lingerie with an accessories catalog. "Let's see if I do that then I get a tire cover. That I get running boards..." Gone are the days when love will keep us alive. Now we need our own WWII landing craft to take little Timmy to a soccer game. Which he probably doesn't want to go to be he might miss another undiscovered picture of Pamela Anderson on his 10 year old best friend's website. All I know is this, if the only thing you use the yellow pages for in this day and age is a booster seat for your car then, you need a smaller car.
I do not deny the notion that people can buy whatever they want but we need to be realistic here. How many times are you going to have to walk an extra 10 miles to the mall from your parking space because all of the ones ahead of you are being double and sometimes triple booked by these bohemoths ? I for one have had my fill.
And parking is just the tip of the iceberg. If the only problem with our new dutchesses of hazard were the parking nightmares I would be able to deal with it. But like all of the other problems today, it gets worse. Driving these APC's (Armored Personnel Carriers, for the civlians out there) seems to be even harder than parking them. The soccer mom of today can not just drive her mechanized meyhem maker, she needs to sip her Diet Coke, talk to Betty on her cel phone and have a sandwich she made for herself while packing litlle Timmy and Tonya's lunches. While checking her eyeliner for the 1000th time this block she finds time to use a turn signal to change lanes, which I might add is also a blinking arrow on her side view mirrors. I know this because it stays on ... for the next 12 miles.
10 Tips for the Soccer Mom who just HAS to have an SUV
1. Put the damn sandwich down !
2. You are married now, your husband is not in the car with you, quit checking your face. You do NOT need to impress anyone anymore.
3. There is no one you need to talk to for 15 minutes while driving. NO ONE.
4. The drink is fine, wait until red light and then chug.
5. A turn signal is a REQUEST to change lanes !!!!!!!! Not a guarenteed pass.
6. Work out. That wheel is big and you are little.
7. Do look out of your mirrors and double check the blindspot. Which is all around the vehicle since you are like 50 feet in the air in it.
8. If you need a step ladder to get in, buy something else.
9. Dirt does come off this 60,000 dollar beast take it into the woods every once in a while where it belongs.
10. This is the most imprtant thing in the world for you to learn. You are not a queen or anyone's little princess anymore. No matter what your husband tells you. He is only humoring you to get you into bed. The world does NOT revolve around you. Drive like the other motorists matter because they do.
10 Tips to survive soccer moms
1. Stay back 10 miles. Extreme ... yes but she will need it.
2. Understand that she can not see around her and never hang in her blinspots. All 100 of them.
3. Don't park close to her because she will either hit you on the way out or hit you with her door and merely smile coyly and say sorry. This happens to her a dozen times daily and she just quit caring. You are only a subject to her royal highness, know your role :-).
4. Try not to stop suddenly she is only half done with her sandwich.
5. Remember to keep at least one hand on the wheel when flipping her off.
6. Remember guns do kill people. But she isn't a person and thus doesn't qualify. Aim for her head. Bullets are a terrible thing to waste.
7. If, god forbid, you get into a wreck with one of them. She will be all calm at first and cop her 'tude. Take pictures of this with a camera before the cops arrive because then Meryl Streep arrives and so do the water works.
8. Be extra defensive, remember you will be the one in Heaven, not her.
9. White SUV's seem to be the worst of them all avoid them even more so then the rest.
10. Most importantly, unfortuantly they will never change. Mainly because they are oblivious to their own stupidity. So you just have to deal with this issue. My solution : soccer mom demolitoin derby to the death :)