I thought I wanted to. I really did. But no, I didn’t want to. I think I made her mad, hopefully just disappointed, but I really didn’t think it was going to go anywhere, and I want more out of life now. I must be getting old.
I have to find something else to do in this town other than drink beers. As fun as that can be, I’m already bored of it. I guess when that’s all you’re doing, it tends to wear you down. This writing thing may be more therapeutic than I thought! If I spend more time on this than going out, I could probably save some bucks, too.
I want to write about writing again, but it’s been so long I’m not sure that I have much to say on the subject, and would probably feel like a phony trying to tell folks what it’s like to write, and how I approach it now. The blank page is always intimidating; you have to want to dive into it or it’ll swallow you whole.
I’m reading Anne Rice’s “Interview With A Vampire” right now. I think I’ve been on it for about a month. It’s overwrought with fluffy descriptions and flowery dialogue. There are some fun bits to it, though. She does have a way of describing action that I haven’t seen before. It’s a bit of an avoidance of the form and style rather than “he smacked her hard to the face, leaving a red print behind”. It’s a flurry of half-actions and actions not seen, but rather felt. It’s about the only interesting part behind her style that I’ve found so far. Granted, the book was written in 1976 (or even before), so I’m hoping her style has improved just a bit. There’s a great line that Bill S. and I just laughed and laughed over (it probably didn’t help that I was feeling especially goofy that weekend, but I still think it was funny). I’ll drag it out later and share.
Sunday, September 2nd, 2001
”Take my hand, because we’re walking out of here.
Right out of here.
Love is all we need here.”
--Dave Matthews Band
It’s knowing you are strong, knowing that the heaviest weight in the world is as nothing, yet being unable to move it. There’s a physical presence to it that envelopes you in a lusciousness not unlike the first time you ever had chocolate. And when that devotion is betrayed, the most proficient physician couldn’t prescribe enough drugs ever to take away that pain. Love is, truly, a four-letter word.
I remember sitting at my mother’s memorial service, with so much family around me, yet at the same time feeling so alone. My brother had his wife and baby. My father had my stepmother, in the back of the room. My stepfather had everyone’s attention. And I was the son who was thirty years old, two failed engagements and a dozen failed relationships, no children, no one to hold my hand and tell me that I would be all right. I think nearly the worst feeling in the world has to be losing your mother as a young man, alone and already weary of the world. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t miss her terribly and fiercely. I wouldn’t be writing these words if not for her; I probably would have ended up some industry worker somewhere, a high school dropout, but her love of the written word, of creativity, prompted me and molded me into something else. I’m still not sure what that is, and I flounder around a lot, doing things I shouldn’t do. But I have options.
This emotional baggage is so tiring. I want to get rid of it, but I know if I do I won’t be myself anymore. I don’t want to be a cog in the machine, so to speak. I mean, life isn’t always bad, and full of people who take your heart and lie and lie and lie because they don’t know what the truth is anymore. It really isn’t. There are good folks out there. I haven’t been part of that crowd for a long, long time, and I’d like to steer myself in that direction again.
Wish me luck.
Monday, September 3rd, 2001, Labor Day
”I don’t believe you when you tell me
I don’t believe you when you hold me
I don’t believe you. You’re my medicine.
I don’t believe you when you fuck me.”
--Heather Nova
I had a bit more motivation to do stuff today. I put all the rest of my stuff into little piles on the floor, sat there and looked at them for a few minutes, and ended up trying to read more of “Interview with the Vampire”. I think I’m actually almost through that book. Has to be the single most frustrating book I’ve ever read. The subject matter, that being vampires, should interest the hell out of me, but it’s so boring that I lose interest after ten pages. Maybe my mind just wanders off, but if it were a well-written book, my mind wouldn’t have the opportunity to wander. It would be engaged. I’m not sure if I’m going to try the next book.
I made a call I shouldn’t have made, in retrospect. It was awkward and sad. I was let go quickly. Something about a bad night. I won’t even pretend to know what that meant, but I did ask. No explanation. Should I expect anything else at this point?
Tuesday, September 4th, 2001
”Every time I see you falling,
I get down on my knees and pray.”
--New Order
I had to rig my computer today. Some of you may have known that my computer likes to reboot on its own. I think it’s the motherboard, but I really don’t know. I messed around with the guts a bit, fixed a couple of loose connections, and it’s been working fine. I’m fucked now I’ve put this to print.
I still have this floating sensation, and can’t really kick it. There are actually some interesting jobs in this area, and I pursued a couple of them. Filling out applications is such a lovely experience. I guess it’s not so bad. I always have this feeling of starting over, though, which is tough when you’re my age. I should have children; I should be married; I should have a life. I’m not hurting anyone, at least. There’s only me, and I can do whatever I want whenever I want to do it.
Hm. That doesn’t sound so bad, does it?
Wednesday, September 5th, 2001
”I feel fine, and, I feel good.
I feel like I never should.
Whenever I get this way I just don’t know what to say,
Why can’t we be ourselves like we were yesterday?”
--New Order
I had two wonderful conversations today. One was with a longtime friend, who told me something that helped a lot. I mean, I still had to ask, but she was so right. The “why” is never enough. Knowing it or not knowing doesn’t change a damn thing. That set me free a bit today, which was much needed.
But, still, I had to call and try to be her friend. It’s important to me to at least give it effort. I promised I would, long ago, and I meant it. It was a good conversation, overall. Like I said, I still asked why, and like Julie B. said, it won’t make anything different. I have wonderful friends.
Then I went out for beers. Oh, my, that was nearly a disaster. There was this amazon from hell who kept following me around most of the evening. I kept trying to get away, without much success, and the more I drank the less I was inclined to run away. Not because I was interested, but because I was tired. I think I finally ditched her at Todd’s house, but I’m not sure. Not a very nice thing to do, but I was tired of trying to get away, so I left. I’m sure Todd will give me an earful about it.
Is there any good new music out there??
Thursday, September 6th, 2001
”I did it justice,
I did it for us all.”
--Dave Matthews Band
Do you ever want to be a superhero? Not for the publicity, or the flashy costumes and such. Just to help out. To take away some of the world’s pain. I watched “Unbreakable” the other day, and David Dunne (Bruce Willis’ character) portrayed this great sadness that filled the screen. He and his wife were having problems. His son was confused, sad over this. His world was falling apart, even before the train wreck that changed his life. I remember sitting on Roger’s couch watching the movie, and wanting to reach out to David and tell him, “I know. I know.” But I can’t solve the world’s pain. I can’t help everyone. I don’t have superpowers. All I have the power to do is change myself. That is such a humbling revelation, because I’ve always read comic books, and always wanted to be a superhero, even though I knew I couldn’t be a real comic book superhero. I’ve always wanted to help. But I turned left when I should have turned right. I thought I was taking the path less traveled. I don’t know where I’m at right now; all I know is that I have this overwhelming sadness, this David Dunne depression, and I can’t get rid of it. I have to, though. I have to quit trying to be the superhero, and focus on myself. How can I be good when I feel bad all the time? Who’s going to reach out for me when all they see is this sadness?
Friday, September 7th, 2001
”You give it all, but I want more,
and I’m waiting for you,
with or without you.”
--U2
I guess I’m on a superhero kick. I’ve been writing this story about a superhero for a while now. I think it’s a decent premise, and has literary value, to boot! I’m using a near-future setting (probably 2006), a detective, a superhero, and a bad guy. I have it set up where the detective is investigating the alter ego of the superhero, having no reason to suspect that the photographer (I had to make this guy work for a newspaper; all great heroes do) is related in any way to the disappearance of the superhero. Folks disappear every day in a big city. Oh, and I think I’ve decided on Carter City as the city’s name. I don’t know why. I don’t want to give too much away, but I think it will end up an enjoyable tale. I’ll post it up here when I have it finished and copyrighted.
Saturday, September 8th, 2001
”Have you come here for forgiveness?
Have you come to raise the dead?
Have you come here to play Jesus,
to the lepers in your head?
Did I ask too much?
More than a lot?
You gave me nothing, now it’s all I got.”
In the company of friends, everything seems a bit brighter. Everyone should go see “Rock Star”, right now. It will make you laugh, and it’s not a half-bad film. Then go eat some BBQ and have a couple of beers and talk to old friends about family, school, soccer, writing, unemployment, careers, and anything else you can think of. Then go to a bar and drink beers out of glasses that are heavy enough to thunk someone a good one. Then go to someone’s house and drink more, and talk more, and have more fun. Doctor’s orders.
Sunday, September 9th, 2001
”We’re so close, but still a world away.”
--Madonna
First day of football season! I had a pretty good conversation with a friend early on, then ventured out to watch the Chiefs lose their opening game, at Arrowhead. It was a bit frustrating, since they were playing Oakland, their rival, with one of their old quarterbacks who has really made a name for himself over the last few years. Now, their latest quarterback release won his opening game. I tell you, they can’t win for losing. At least that’s what my dad would say, if he liked football.
Monday, September 10th, 2001
”Put your picture on my wall.
It reminds me that it’s not so bad.”
--Dido
This Spanish stuff is starting to make sense. Maybe it’s because I’ve taken it so many times before, without finishing, that some of it actually sunk in. I can’t believe I’m having such a difficult time with it. I should have breezed through this years ago. It’s one of two classes that has kept me from graduating. Well, topped with a rash of irrational decisions. I feel focused now, though, and committed to the idea of finally finishing my degree. After that, who knows, but it’s extremely important that I finish this. So I will.
Tuesday, September 11th, 2001
”The spotted hawk swoops by and accuses me, he complains of my gab and
my loitering.
I too am not a bit tamed, I too am untranslatable,
I sound my barbaric yawp over the roofs of the world.
The last scud of the day holds back for me,
It flings my likeness after the rest and true as any on the shadow’s wilds,
It coaxes me to the vapor and the dusk.
I depart as air, I shake my white locks at the runaway sun,
I effuse my flesh in eddies, and drift it in lacy jags.
I bequeath myself to the dirt to grow from the grass I love,
If you want me again look for me under your boot-soles.
You will hardly know who I am or what I mean,
But I shall be good health to you nevertheless,
And filter and fibre your blood.
Failing to fetch me at first keep encouraged,
missing me one place search another,
I stop somewhere waiting for you.”
--Walt Whitman
Wednesday, September 12th, 2001
”I used to adore you.”
--Garbage
No matter how many times I watch that plane hit the second World Trade Tower, it stills leaves me numb and sad. I can only speculate why someone would do it. Maybe it was some religious thing. Maybe it was a message to America. Maybe it was just a crazed pack on lunatics wanting to draw attention to some country or cause. I don’t know. I have my thoughts—it was a well-coordinated attack. It was done by a militant force. It was backed by a country’s resources.
We’re going to war. We were already at war as soon as the first plane hit the first World Trade Building. We’ll be at war for a long, long time.
Thursday, September 13th, 2001
”What a wild-eyed beast you’ll be.”
--Dave Matthews Band
Do you have in-between days? These days are usually filled with whatever routine you have, to get on to days where you really want to do something. Over the last three weeks, most of my days have been like that, but I don’t know what I’m anticipating. I think it’ll come to me, in time, but for now, I’m filling my days with routine. Not to say that there’s anything bad with routine—lots of folks go through life quite happy and content with theirs. I want the anticipation, though. I want to know that I’m moving towards something and that there will be something at the end of whatever routine I’m involved with at the moment.
I went to a really stupid bar in Knob Noster called “Club 66”. Retarded skinfuckfestwannabe joint. It was awful, and I don’t plan on going back.
Friday, September 14th, 2001
”Yeah, I know who you remind me of,
a girl I think I used to know.”
--The Cure
So much patriotism, you couldn’t toss a stick onto the street without hitting some. Not saying that it’s a bad thing, and I’m happy to see it going on. I’m saddened that it took such a horrible tragedy to bring it about. I hope we, as Americans, keep this level of patriotism going long, long after this whole ordeal has ended. It’s put a new perspective on how we treat each other, and it’s been a positive experience. So far.
Went to the bar again, with a couple of old friends and one sort of acquaintance. Saw a cover band, which played some decent tunes. The lead singer was this wispy, pale girl with dark auburn hair, big brown eyes, a dedicated voice, wearing a form-fitting leather full-length dress. She was a great performer. I wish they had their own songs, though. Around here, it’s difficult for bands to break out with their own songs. It’s sad. Hell, there really isn’t a music scene here at all, merely bands that cover tunes for us drunks. Pathetic, really, how an area like this will really stifle creativity just to make a buck or three.
I’m not bitter. I swear.
Saturday, September 15th, 2001
”I will begin again.”
--U2
I was supposed to file my Regional report today, but I was bad, and when I was offered a chance to play in Warrensburg with my old buddy Ron, I jumped at the opportunity. At least I didn’t make any excuses about turning it in late. With everything going on in the world, I believe that I deserved a well-earned break.
We went to this new bar that was supposed to play retro, but they didn’t. They did charge us 4 bucks just to walk through the doors. Ridiculous. We didn’t stay long. It was another skinfuckfestblah place. Decided to go to a bar on Pine Street called The Hole. So much fun. They actually did play some great retro 80’s tunes, and they had an awesome air hockey table! I was thoroughly stomped a couple of times, but had too much fun to care about losing. No meat market—a place to hang out and play pool, air hockey, and belt out the lyrics to some classic pop tunes. I loved it. I want to go every Saturday now.
And speaking of Saturdays, I’ve noticed something about myself. I used to anticipate gaming every Saturday night. I think in 2000, I went to a game nearly every Saturday. Now, I haven’t been to one in over a month, and I couldn’t care less. The game took a dive, and I haven’t bothered to try to lift it up yet. I have a great concept on the approvals database, but I’m not sure when that will be approved, or if it will get approved. I’m looking forward to ICC, but that’s about it for my gaming expectations. Weird how things change, sometimes.
Sunday, September 16th, 2001
”You may find yourself in another part of the world.
and you may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile,
and you may find yourself in a beautiful house, with a beautiful wife,
and you may ask yourself, well, how did I get here?”
--Talking Heads
No football today, but that’s okay—I’d rather everyone be safe from attacks than to be entertained. I talked to a friend early on in the day, and maybe once or twice more, which put me in a somber, tired mood. Our friendship is full of restrictions, and sometimes I find difficulty in accepting them, especially when there was so much more before. I do my best, but I fall short. I’m not a good friend all the time. A humbling revelation.
Monday, September 17th, 2001
”Dear God, sorry to disturb you, but I feel I should be heard loud and clear.”
-XTC
Another weary day. I can feel myself falling backwards again, which is no good for me. I found myself almost doing something rather risky, but somehow I talked myself out of it. I don’t mind taking risks, but I don’t want to put myself in a situation where I’m going to get emotional and spiritually hurt again. I’m so tired of that scene. I was doing well—dragging myself out of my self-imposed soulful exile. It’s so easy to fall back into old habits, and old feelings, especially when they’re so fresh. The best thing I did for myself was to move back to Sedalia last month. It’s been rough, living at home again, and trying to find a job, but my emotional stability, overall, has improved a lot.
I have to quit falling, and be strong again. It’s a devil of a climb, but well worth the results.
Tuesday, September 18th, 2001
”Well, I’m sorry that I hurt you.
Please don’t ask me why.
I want to see you happy
I want to see you shine
Don’t worry baby
Don’t be uptight
Don’t worry baby
We’ll stay up all night...”
--Garbage
I started working today. Best damn feeling I’ve had in a long time. I have to admit that it wasn’t exactly what I thought it would be, but I like it all the same. The kids are fun, and like to play, and some even like to do their homework. It’s going to be a challenge, I’m sure, but the first day was good.
I celebrated by myself, at my house, by not drinking. It’s time I calmed that down a bit. It’s becoming more and more of a daily thing. I can only remember one night since I moved back that I have not had a drink (nearly four weeks). I really want to start working out, so I can look better for ICC, and just in general. Have to find a pocket of motivation somewhere for that. Maybe getting this job will do it for me.
Wednesday, September 19th, 2001
“Something in your eyes,
that is keeping my hope alive,
but I’m sick of myself when I look at you,
something as beautiful and true.
In a world that’s ugly and alive,
it’s hard to even want to try.
I’m beginning to think
baby you don’t know.
I’m beginning to think
that baby, you don’t know.”
--Matthew Sweet
Or simply don’t care.
Spanish lasted 20 minutes today. I had time for a quick lunch before I went to work. I like it when time works out like that.
There was much drinking to be had. Quarter draws are bad for me. At least I didn’t dance. Sometimes, when I get tipsy, I think that I can. Woo.
There was French toast late late into the night. Or early in the morning. Only noted because I do like it. Ended up staying the night at Roger’s because his house was closer than mine, and he left his car at the bar. I was feeling lazy, and a bit drunken-headed, and didn’t want to risk the drive. Probably for the best.
Thursday, September 20th, 2001
“There was nothing that I wouldn’t do
To keep myself around and close to you.
Do you have an opinion?
A mind of your own?
I thought you were special,
I thought you should know,
But I’ve run out of patience.
I’ve run out of comments,
I’m tired of your violence,
I couldn’t care less.”
--Garbage
I just realized something. There’s more than one person out there with a killer smile.
And that’s made all the difference.
I’m moving this today. I found a place that I sort of like that will make sharing my thoughts and stories with you easier on me. I’ll start contacting you individually about where this place is. A couple of you already know about it, and one has even commented on my entry. That’s the best part; you will be able to comment on my thoughts right after you read them, right where you read them. I’ll work on style later.
So long, and thanks for all the fish.