Week 11 � Deliverance
Deliverance, such an elegant word. That�s what I was hoping for when I finished Week 10. Let me tell you, I stood still, waiting for that deliverance, waiting for weeks on end. But it never came. I suppose that there�s lots of stuff I need to tell you first. There�s no better place to start than by explaining who Eurydice was to me. She was someone who repeatedly showed up in my dreams, but had no counterpart in reality. Eurydice wasn�t her real name, but I could never remember what her name was when I woke up. And well, I�ve told you before the relationship between the mythological Orpheus and Eurydice, so all I think I really have to tell you is that I gave her that name because of the roles that she had in my dreams. Well, a few weeks ago, in one of the dreams, I think I really hurt her. I had to go dinosaur hunting with my friends for some reason, and she didn�t want me to go. So, I lied and told her that I was going to do something else. The last thing I saw in that dream was her crying as she waved goodbye. She knew that I had lied, but loved me enough to let me go�
Next, the letters. Up until yesterday, it had been two weeks since I�d seen K. Of course, I guess three weeks was just too much to ask for. It was kinda strange, though. Seeing her usually makes me feel so much remorse� reminds me of how badly I�ve screwed up� but it didn�t this time. What I felt was� well, it�s something that I can�t describe with any accuracy. The only time that this had ever happened. The other time was the night after the first dream with Eurydice.
Well, now onto the other letters. J, well, I haven�t really talked with her in a long time. I really need to catch up with her. L, never thought I�d end up using her again. So sure, in fact, that I had Samecool take her out of Week 1. Anyway, I really wish that I�d said something else when she said that �it�s been a long time since we talked, we should catch up sometime�. What I said was �Yeah�� because I was too busy thinking about the project that I was working on. What I should�ve said was something along the lines of �yeah, that�s be nice�. Ah, but I�m an idiot. And R� a new letter� she�s a good friend of mine, and I�m a good friend of hers. It�s just that I kind of wish rather a lot that, well, you know�
Oh! Another thing that you haven�t really been waiting for, but I have been. My copy of �Second Skin�, the new Carfax Abbey CD, came on April 15th. Oh, yeah� that reminds me somehow, though I can�t say I know how, of something else I need to say. I really need to take the time and space to apologize for acting like I did to the Hobbit. And let me tell you, you�re lucky that you�re getting even that. It�s really hard for me to swallow my pride.
Resumption as of the next day. Samecool has a couple of his own letters, M and Q. Resumption the day after that. In short, Samecool had to break M�s heart. It wasn�t fun for him, and I think he realizes that it hurt her a hell of a lot more. But the thing is, he really can�t understand how much she hurts. What he did was really similar to what K did to me� so I can�t say that I respect him very much any more. But, I suppose he did what he really had to. He told M that he loved her, and he really didn�t; he loved Q. I�m not saying that what he did was right, mind you. He never should have told M that he loved her if he wasn�t being completely honest. If he was even a bit unsure, he shouldn�t have done it. I�m sorry, man, but it was just so heartless�
Well, on to the subject of Deliverance. Being pulled away from all the horrors that I�ve seen� Ah, sometimes I think that would be so nice. Of course, other times I think that it would be so boring that I�d hate it. I mean, what�s life without a little excitement, right? (You know, I shouldn�t really call these things weeks anymore, they�re really more of issues or episodes) But really I guess I was hoping for things just to take a sudden dramatic swing for the better, but they didn�t. I was, I dunno, expecting some sort of reward for holding myself to some sort of honor code, or for clinging on to the tattered remnants of my innocence�
You know, I�m getting sick of people asking me if something�s wrong. Good Bastet, it gets annoying. What the Hell is it with people?! There�s nothing wrong with me! Well, nothing in specific� nothing that�s not USUALLY wrong. I guess the whole thing with R has been gnawing away at my mind since� wow, I can�t even remember when� I guess that I was kind of, I dunno� expecting some of the deliverance to come from her, but I haven�t said anything to her about it.
I found my scarab amulet the other day. The scarab was symbolic of rebirth in ancient Egypt. It�s kinda strange, that necklace only shows up when I need to remind myself to change and re-sculpt myself. I wore it a lot during the incident with K, and when I was finally through the worst of it, the amulet just seemed to disappear. It turns out that it was buried under a pair of shorts that I haven�t worn since the incident. I really don�t like to wear shorts anymore, I don�t know why.
I guess that�s it for now. Send topics to [email protected], please