Week 3 � Bad Movies I
There�s no disclaimer this time. I feel perfectly justified in saying that I know what I�m talking about when it comes to bad movies. I�ve probably seen more bad ones than I have good ones. If you disagree with the labeling of any of the movies labeled herein as �bad� go complain to somebody who cares.
Resident Evil � the movie, not the games. As much as I love the games, I cannot say that the movie deserved an Oscar. It just didn�t have that sort of �alone in the dark� atmosphere that the games did. Plus, it didn�t have any of the really great things from the games, like the bandersnatches from Code Veronica, or the scorpion from Resident Evil 0. The addition of the licker would have been much better had the thing not looked like it was obviously made of clay. I mean, couldn�t it have been cool and CGI? No� it had to be clay. Let�s just hope that Nemesis looks cooler in the upcoming sequel, Resident Evil: Apocalypse. All that being said, I�d give it a 1.5 of 5 stars on the bad scale. I�m just praying for better in the upcoming Silent Hill movie.
Manos: Hands of Fate � this movie is not �bad� as you know it (that�s a parody of a line from the movie). It is bad beyond any definition of the word that you might happen to hold dear. It will take that concept of �bad� and sink its �hands of fate� into the flesh of that definition, and then tear your concept of �bad� into about a million tiny, bite-sized pieces. It has no recognizable plot, and shortly after filming the movie, most of the actors committed suicide. I really can�t blame them. 4 out of 5 bad stars.
Red Zone Cuba (a.k.a. Night Train Del Mundo Fine) � I have successfully blocked this movie out of my memory. I don�t want to try and dig it out of there for fear that I might scar my mind again. I�ll summarize it with this: �in this movie, they drive from Cuba to Arizona�. The plot that is occasionally vaguely alluded to has something to do with the Bay of Pigs operation, but that�s about all that I�ll let myself remember. I�d have to say that it gets a .93 out of 5 stars.
I Accuse My Parents � Yes, Satan, speak to me through this horrendous movie that is your child. Really, though, folks, this movie isn�t as bad as Red Zone Cuba. It�s about a kid who�s on trial. It begins with him being accused of murder (or was it manslaughter?), when asked how he pleads, he says that he accuses his parents. The whole movie is explaining how his parents� lack of interest in him lead to him falling into a crime ring and thus he ends up committing the crime that he�s accused of in the beginning of the movie. In the end, he�s proven to be guilty, but is only put on probation and his parents get some sentence that I can�t remember. I�d give it a 3 of 5. Lightened by the fact that it is somewhat entertaining.
Eegah! � Watch out for snakes! Once again, that�s a line from the movie, this time its actually directly from it. This is a movie whose hideousness is beyond any words in English, so I�m gonna use a German sentence. Eegah ist scheu�lich. There, now I�ve gotten that out of my system. This is actually probably the second best movie on here, right after Resident Evil. Of course, by no stretch of the imagination should you take that to mean that either of the movies is good. This one is about a caveman who survived somehow. The real great part is the end, though, in which the caveman apparently melts when he is pushed into a pool.
Signing out for week 3. Send e-mails to: [email protected] please, I need stuff to write about!