Live, Love, and Hate – by Orpheus

 

Week 81 – Obsession by Proxy (Don Your Masks)

 

            (12/15/05, 10:32 AM, per. 3 German III Honors, room 712) I’m not really sure how to begin this. A lot’s happened since the last time I wrote one of these. First, I suppose I should mention this: Amy discovered that she’s a lesbian and that’s why she stopped talking to me. Or at least that’s what she says (no real reason to doubt it, but something seems kinda wrong with it), doesn’t much matter if it’s true or not. That was in Week 80, but most of you probably didn’t see that one. That was on Halloween I learned that. On Sunday, C told me that she (C) got a girlfriend. I should be happy for her. I’m not. If you’ll think back to Fall to Zero, you’ll recall a quote something like “I love you, too, [Orpheus], but not in the same way”. That was C who said that. Amy’s response, by the way had just been “I love you too”. What a load of bullshit. ANYWAY, C is, so far, the only one to have seen Week 80. At one point, it mentions the rejection by her. She said she’d have turned anyone down, that she just didn’t want that sort of complication in her life. Isn’t it wonderful to have friends you can trust?

 

            It’s been over three years now since I met R (that was 12/6/02). Somewhere in the neighborhood of three years since we found a song that we both knew (Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls). Almost three years since I wrote “Raven”. Everything was great back then, I miss those days. Back then, R didn’t seem to have many friends. She was a nice, sweet little girl. These days, she’s too busy being a popularity-whore to stop attending parties long enough to spend an hour or two with someone she says she loves. She says her friends would get mad at her if she missed a party every now and then. I never bothered to tell her that if they’re not willing to accept that she has to spend time with her boyfriend that they’re not very good friends.

 

            (11:49 AM, 4^th period US history, room 505) I’ve been putting off getting back in touch with Frenchie for nearly two months now. I keep meaning to do it, but I always get this feeling like I’d be wasting both our time if I did, or that maybe she’s forgotten who I am. That reminds me, it’s been over a year now since the last dream with Eury. I did see her once over the summer. It was either after starting to fight with R or right after she broke up with me. I was out for my evening walk and out of the corner of my eye I saw her watching me from a window. I turned to get a better look, but she had banished and there were no lights on in the house and no cars in the driveway.

 

            I watched the ’04 version of Phantom of the Opera twice over the weekend and also read the book. (12:23 PM, lunch, brick wall) Phantom is strange, it’s got a good story, but horrible characters. I mean, I guess you’re supposed to feel sorry for Christine, but I just can’t because she’s a total bitch.

 

            (12/18/05, 3:41 AM, at home, bedroom) I just got through talking with C. Y’know, she really pisses me off. Who is it that’s always there for her? Me. Who always listens when she needs to talk? Me. Who tells her that everything’ll be okay? Me. Who tells her she can’t die because he won’t let her? Me. Who always makes her laugh, even while making her cry? Me. Who loves her? Me. Who does she tell that she doesn’t want the complication of a relationship with anyone? Me. Who does she become the girlfriend of? Amanda.

 

            Oh, I tried to get in touch with Frenchie on Friday night. I still haven’t heard back from her. I hope Gen finishes those drawings soon.

 

Please send hope to [email protected] (P.S. new cast member, a second-name called Glass, whose first name is the same as R’s)

 

(12/19/05, 12:20 AM, while typing) I’ve decided to add a menagerie part to this update, we’ll start with Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls

 

“And I'd give up forever to touch you 

'Cause I know that you feel me somehow 

You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be 

And I don't want to go home right now 

And all I can taste is this moment 

And all I can breathe is your life 

and sooner or later it's over 

I just don't want to miss you tonight 

And I don't want the world to see me 

'Cause I don't think that they'd understand 

When everything's made to be broken 

I just want you to know who I am 

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming 

Or the moment of truth in your lies 

When everything feels like the movies 

Yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive 

And I don't want the world to see me 

'Cause I don't think that they'd understand 

When everything's made to be broken 

I just want you to know who I am”

Now, Signals over the Air by Thursday

“This is what you see 

When you look in my direction:

Incandescent corsets draw eyes tight, like wires,

This is how it feels, calling out

But no one even hears 

The signals that we send over the air

(over the air, over the air, over the air)

When you say my name, 

I want to split it from your lips

And hide like whispers in the rain

When you say my name

I want to stop it in your lungs

And collect all of your blood to put in the radio

Is this how it feels when you don't even fit into your own skin?

And it's getting tighter,

Everyday I'm getting smaller

If I keep holding my breathe I'm going to disappear

When you say my name, 

I want to split it from your lips

And hide like whispers in the rain

When you say my name

I want to stop it in your lungs

And collect all of your blood to put in the radio

There's nowhere to hide

They stole the love from our lives

And put the sex on the radio

There's nowhere to hide

They stole the love from our lives

And put the sex on...

If I keep holding my breath all of this will fade away

If you keep driving we'll be lying in the wreck

Changing the shape, folding like an envelope 

To keep each other in

Shattered glass, broken looks and 

Mascara gets washed away by windshield wiper blades, 

When you say my name, 

I want to split it from your lips

And hide like whispers in the rain

When you say my name

I want to stop it in your lungs

And collect all of your blood to put in the radio

There’s nowhere to hide

They stole the love from our lives 

And put the sex on the radio

There’s nowhere to hide

They stole the love from our lives 

And put the sex on the radio

That’s where we hide 

The love and lies and sex on the radio”

Now, St. Jimmy by Green Day

“Saint Jimmy’s coming down,

Across the alleyway,

He’s on the boulevard,

Like a zip gone on parade,

Light of a silhouette,

He’s insubordinate,

Coming at you on the count of

One,

Two,

ONE TWO THREE FOUR!

My name is Jimmy and you better not wear it out,

Suicide commando that your momma talked about,

King of the 40 Thieves, and I’m here to represent,

The needle in the vein of the Establishment

I’m the patron saint of the denial,

With an angel face and a taste for the suicidal.

Cigarettes and ramen,

And a little bag of dope,

I am the son of a bitch,

And Edgar Allan Poe,

Raised in the city under a halo of lights,

The product of war and fear that we’ve been victimized.

My name is Saint Jimmy,

I’m the son of a gun,

I’m the one that’s from the Way Outside,

I’m a teenage assassin executing some fun,

In the cult of the life of crime,

I’d really hate to say it,

But I told you so,

So shut your mouth before I shoot you down,

Old boy.

Welcome to the club,

And give me some blood,

I’m the resident leader of the Lost and Found.

It’s comedy and tragedy,

It’s Saint Jimmy,

And that’s my name,

Don’t wear it out.”

Now, Poison Girl by H.I.M.

“I did it all just for her

I did it all just for her

And love's heart is death

For me and my poison girl

A prey she was for the cruelty of love

While its serpents inside crawled straight

towards her heart

The coldest kiss

Love ceased to exist

While we grew apart like never before

I did it all just for her

I did it all just for her

And love wants us dead

Just me and my poison girl

I did it all just for her

I did it all just for her

And love's heart is death

For me and my poison girl

The fire in her eyes grew dim and then died

As the poison inside reached her heart

And the coldest bliss 

Faith ceased to exist

as we grew apart like never before

I did it all just for her

I did it all just for her

And love wants us dead

Just me and my poison girl

I did it all just for her

I did it all just for her

And love's heart is death

For me and my poison girl

And the taste of the poison on her lips

is of a tomb

I did it all just for her

I did it all just for her

And love wants us dead

Just me and my poison girl

I did it all just for her

I did it all just for her

And love's heart is death

For me and my poison girl

Poison girl, poison girl 

Poison girl, poison girl

And love's heart is death

For me and my poison girl

In this poison world”

From Depeche Mode’s latest CD, “Precious”

“Precious and fragile things 

Need special handling 

My God what have we done to you? 

We always try to share 

The tenderest of care 

Now look what we have put you through 

Things get damaged 

Things get broken 

I thought we'd manage 

But words left unspoken 

Left us so brittle 

There was so little left to give 

Angels with silver wings 

Shouldn't know suffering 

I wish I could take the pain for you 

If God has a master plan 

That only He understands 

I hope it's your eyes He's seeing through 

Things get damaged 

Things get broken 

I thought we'd manage 

But words left unspoken 

Left us so brittle 

There was so little left to give 

I pray you learn to trust 

Have faith in both of us 

And keep room in your hearts for two 

Things get damaged 

Things get broken 

I thought we'd manage 

But words left unspoken 

Left us so brittle 

There was so little left to give”

From the soundtrack to The Crow (a movie I have yet to see), Burn by the Cure (with some parts removed to fit as my AIM away message).

“Don't look, don't look

The shadows breathe

Whispering me away from you

Don't wake at night to watch her sleep

You know that you will always lose

This trembling, adored, tousled bird mad girl

Bur every night I burn

Every night I call your name

Every night I burn

Every night I fall again

Don't talk of love

The shadows purr

Murmuring me away from you

Don’t talk of worlds that never were

The end is all that's ever true

There's nothing you can ever say

Nothing you can ever do

Every night I burn

Every night the dream's the same

Every night I burn,

Waiting for the world to end

Just paint your face in shadow smile

Slipping me away from you

It doesn't matter how you hide

We'll find you if we're wanting to

So Slide back down and close your eyes

Sleep a while, you must be tired...”

Now, also by the Cure, The Walk

“I called you after midnight

Then ran until I burst

I passed the howling woman

And stood outside your door

We walked around a lake

And woke up in the rain

And everyone turned over

Troubled in their dreams again

Visiting time is over

And so we walk away

We both play dead then cry out loud

Why we always cry this way?

I kissed you in the water

And made your dry lips sing

I saw you look

Like a Japanese baby

In an instant I remembered everything...

I called you after midnight

Then ran until my heart burst”

And now Gutter Boy (I am I am) by Argyle Park

“Sorrow in my heart

Fear flows through my vein

My body dies from within

Your burning scar will remain

Branded deep in flesh

Piercing right to the bone

Your voice screams in my head

Why don't you leave me alone

I am I am 

Gutter boy

Well it was hard to accept that you would leave me to die

When I never received the love you said you’d supply 

And I still can’t believe you ever said that you cared

While I lie broken and cold on the street of despair”

Also Argyle Park (a band with a tragically short career) Violent:

“Clouds are gathering above

Earth is shattering beneath

Wielded weapon you called love 

Has left a scar on me

VIOLENT

You make me VIOLENT!

Feelings mixed with blood 

Sweat of brow stings eyes 

All has perished in the flood 

Of your deceptive light

VIOLENT

You make me VIOLENT!

I've taken what you've told me 

I'm ready to apply 

Liars can't be trusted 

But who doesn't lie

VIOLENT

You make me VIOLENT!”

And we’re gonna end with my own translation of The Dreamside’s “Die Höffnung (Dance Version)” Oddly, on none of their albums is there a non-dance version:

“I open my senses

Gate of eternity

You go the last way

Now alone, now alone

Dead words, never lived

It's cold here in the river of eternity

I can hear you,

I can see you,

I cry,

Because you were never so far,

So far from me,

The hope finally dies,

The hope finally dies,

It's time,

Time for you to go,

Only an instant from here,

The memory stays,

Deep in the heart lives fear,

In this house of pain

Don't leave me alone,

Alone again,

When you go,

When you go the last way alone,

I'll miss you.”