Live, Love, and Hate – by Orpheus
Week 76 – Dark Destiny (Revelation)
(8/18/05 2:35 AM) You may be wondering what exactly the previous column meant it was leading into. And that is a conversation I had with C the night I told her and Amy that I loved them. I mean, as you could probably tell from the previous column, I’m not really over R yet, though I really should be, whether I want to or not (and to an extent it’s the not, because some part of me still keeps expecting [wanting, rather] to hear from her one of these days and have her say that she’s sorry and that I get another chance). So why then, the imaginary readers ask, did he admit what he felt for those two?
Simple answer, I didn’t mean to. It was ruing my conversation with C that I was going on about the reasons that I wanted to kill myself (on one hand, I’m kinda over that, on the other, I still really want to just completely fucking abandon all of this, and the only way I can see to do that other than dying is to, like, run away to Canada or somethin’). One of those reasons that I wanted to die was that I kept making the same mistakes over and over again, such as falling for my friends, and really her and Amy are the only people I talk to much more than a passing sentence anymore. Plus, well, I dunno why, but it just seemed like a good idea at the time to say it. Shortly after that, I told Amy.
One other important thing got brought up in that conversation with C, and that is this: sometimes, I feel like I have a purpose in life. Not, like, “we all have a purpose” or anything like that, but like I’ve got some sort of destiny to fulfill. That is to make sure others don’t get hurt so bad as they could, even if it means I have to hurt myself or get them to hate me to do it. Kinda like how when I knew it was gonna be over with R (that would be a bit over 3 weeks prior, when I said something along the lines of “I’m sorry for caring about you, would you rather I didn’t?” and her response was “I don’t know, [Orpheus], I really don’t know” [or something along those lines, it’s been over a month]), I just started doing things that’d make her feel not-so-bad about dumping me (though I didn’t intentionally, and maybe I’m just a jackass like that) or how I told Amy that if she kills herself, then I’m gonna kill myself. Other things like that, though none pop to mind. It doesn’t seem like much, but somehow, it does. Usually I get that feeling of destiny right before or after a particularly strong depression. Often the kind that comes with a side-order of suicidal desires, but not always.
(8/21/05, 12:18 AM) I suppose I really just need to get this down and off my mind. I tried to kill myself again yesterday morning. I took somewhere in the neighborhood of eighty ibuprofen tablets (taken in 4 or 5 doses, all within 2 or 3 hours). It probably would have worked, too, if I’d spread them out more. Instead, all that happened was when I woke up 5 hours later, I puked my guts out for four or five hours. Why’d I do it? I’m not quite sure. I’d been thinking about R for a while, and I just got so depressed. I mean, I loved her, still do, and she just ripped my fucking heart out. And I suppose that’s not quite all of it. I figure that Amy’s probably gonna be back on her feet or dead pretty soon, and after that I just don’t know what I’ll have to live for.
Signing out. You know where to send things (as if anyone ever will).