Live, Love, and Hate – by Orpheus

 

Week 72 – Awkward Phone Stories

 

            (7/25/05) Okay, first off there’s the story from “I still can’t remember why I called her” (and I still can’t remember, granted I haven’t thought about that too much lately). Then there’s last Thursday, when I called R to wish her a happy birthday, and it sounded like it really would have made her day to have not heard from me. And lastly, so we don’t get too focused on the above two, or more likely just to take my mind off the latter as there was still some nice things about the first, we have last night’s call with Amy, where most of the near 14 minutes was just silence, and where we were conducting most of the admittedly still . . . vacant for lack of a better word, conversation via AIM.

 

            Anyway, I suppose I should get on to what’s bothering me. Yes, you guessed it (isn’t it wonderful how imaginary readers always seem to be psychic?), R. Mostly, what’s been bugging me lately is this: she says she has to think about whether she wants to keep up this relationship or try going back to just being friends. That isn’t really what’s wrong, though. What’s wrong is this: I’m not sure I really want to do either. I mean, yeah, going back to having her as my girlfriend (yes, girlfriend, I’m perfectly aware that this contradicts what I said in Returning In Redemption, but back then we were still pretending that I hadn’t told her I loved her) would be great, but is it really worth it? I mean, last time she told me I should trust her and I did, she lied and kept secrets from me.

 

            Besides that, she’s definitely not the same person she was when I fell for her. Back then she was (or at least this is how she seemed to me) a touch on the shy side, kinda goth-y (I suppose emo would be a more appropriate term than “kinda goth-y”, oh well), and the best damn poet I think I will ever read (one of these days, I really need to ask her why she stopped writing). These days, she’s definitely not shy (going out so much that she never has time for me), not goth-y or emo at all, and it has been just under a month short of a year since she’s written anything. Oh, one other thing I didn’t mention is that she never used to swear, and, while not often, she’s done that a couple times since The Strom (I think they were both after May, but I’m not positive), and that’s really not important, except to show change.

 

            And I suppose that I should also mention that she said I reminded her of her ex. I find it kinda funny, I find it kinda sad (no, they’re not the best, those are the ones with R or the ones where I can run and start all over, but they’re still pretty good), because one thing I used to tell myself was that no matter how many times I got suspicious and thought she was lying to me (which was two times, for the record), at least I could be better for her than her ex was, because I would never dream of cheating on her. So much for that, huh?

 

Orpheus, signing out. You know where to send any e-mails, or bottled happiness if you can find some of that.