Live, Love, and Hate – by Orpheus
Week 70 – you are what you read
(7/10/05, 3:11 AM) I thought I heard the rain. I just realized as I sat down to write this that I didn’t, no idea what the sound really was, but it definitely wasn’t the muffled sound of water falling from the sky that I’d suspected. I kind of wish it had been, I’ve always loved the rain. Oh, and about the title, the book I’m reading right now (well, I was reading until I put my bookmark in and decided to start this) is Misery by Stephen King.
It hasn’t even been a week, and I’m already seeing how poorly I handled the situation with R. I mean, yeah, I really did need to say what I did. I really do feel like I’m just sort of something to do when she’s bored. But I don’t think I had to phrase everything quite the way I did, and I definitely didn’t have to. . . have to what? I’m not sure, but there’s something that I definitely didn’t have to do. There was more to this paragraph that I just erased because I didn’t like it; I imagine I’ll delete this, too.
This summer isn’t like last summer. Last summer was good. Last summer, things with R were going fine (with a hitch at the beginning). Last year’s summer school was a fun time with Kris and Karol and Eliot and Tim. This year, I just sit in my old 7th grade science room and stare at a wall for two and a half hours before walking home. I suppose getting to sleep at a decent time would be a good thing, but I really just don’t find myself caring enough to do it, ah well. And besides, usually Amy and/or C is online this late, and I’m talking with her/them. As it is, Kenny K is on tonight, didn’t even know he had AIM until tonight, or this morning, or whatever. Ah, to have last summer back again. I really think I’d appreciate it so much more, knowing what’d come. Oh to have that hour a day with R again…
Ironically, one of the things that’s been bugging me the most lately has been “what am I gonna do for R’s birthday?” it’s in eleven days, and I still haven’t got a fucking clue. It’s not “what’s going to happen with R” or “what am I going to do without her” (that one really is the worst), kind funny, huh? I mean, first year I knew her, I gave her the story she’d asked me to write (it ended up assimilating into my larger story, Suicide of the Month Club, when I originally meant it to be set about a hundred years before), and last year I gave her a poem (late, but better than never), but this year, I just don’t know. Hell, I’d give anything just to make it last that next eleven days.
One more thing: why I always use terms like “situation” and “incident” when talking about unpleasant things. It doesn’t take a genius to figure it out, but I feel like saying it anyway, it’s so that I don’t have to think about it, so that I can try and push it out of mind by making them unduly sterile. Well, I guess that’s it for this week, so I’d just like to end with this:
R, I know I’ve done and said some really stupid things, and I probably will in the future, too, but I love you.
Signing out.