Live, Love, and Hate – by Orpheus

 

Week 63 – Caffeine Dreams

 

            (5/22/05, 1:08 AM, in bed) I don’t sleep too well anymore. It’s not at all unusual to find me sitting in bed, wide-awake at this hour. Of course, ordinarily I am not eating a hamburger (Carl’s Jr.), drinking a can of Mountain Dew (tasty), or writing LLH on this notebook paper. I don’t mind the lack of sleep all too much, really. It’s not caused by fears, or doubts, or anything like that; no, those come because of the lack of sleep. Cool, those branches on the tree outside my window look like a phoenix.

 

I’ve often said that spiders and public speaking are my greatest fears. I suppose that really, this isn’t true. (Haven’t taken a break, per se, but have been repeatedly forced to stop for a little while, time is 1:36) What I really fear more than anything else is three-fold. One: Knowing what I really want. Two: Having what I really want. And three (probably the worst of them all): Losing what I really want.

 

(1:45, see previous note on time) It is this fear, in all three of its aspects, that leads to some of the worst decisions I have made. For example, shortly after Decidedly Shorter Than Intended, R once said that it seemed like I was always looking for some reason to fight or break up with her. (1:56 “) I suppose that she was right, thought I was not doing it consciously. I suppose you can figure out well enough how the first two parts fit in, but the fear of loss comes in with things like, when me an’ R had been together for about 7 months, R’s ex told her that she had to be her/his child-bride. I’m sorry, love, but things like that make me really uncomfortable, especially considering how many times you went back to her/him after s/he hurt you (2:03 “) See? I went and did it again, so sorry…

 

Anyway, the title is what I call those weird thoughts and scenarios that play out in my head when I can’t sleep. I call them that because what used to cause my lack of sleep was having a 2-liter bottle of soda every day. Now I’m down to one or two cans per day. A lot of the CDs aren’t pleasant, mostly doubts and fears, those ones. A good many of them (usually relating in some way to R), however, are good.

 

In the world of real dreams, though (2:09) that maybe-Eurydice girl is back. This visit was much like the last (and was a few days or weeks ago), only instead of being passive, she was indifferent and violent. I need to find some way to bring back the old Eurydice, the one whose personality (I’m not sure I ever mentioned this before) and some of her mannerisms, was (or were, whichever is appropriate) based off of R’s.

 

This is Orpheus, signing out, send rant topics to [email protected] (please?)