Live, Love, and Hate – by Orpheus

 

Week 57 – Silver wire is hard to break               

 

            (2/4/05) You know, getting broadband has seriously cut down on my productivity. (later, close to midnight) Okay, title comes from this piece of silver wire that I’m trying to break without wire cutters, cuz I need to break it off and have something to fiddle with (that I can make into a ring) so I can steady my nerves, because playing with small things does that, and I…. I…. Just talked to J, she’s changed.  Okay, got a smaller piece, gonna make that into wire ring, then I’ll try an’ write more, should be calmer then, shouldn’t be shaking so much.

 

            Okay, the wire was bent in too many places, and my hands were shaking too much, I couldn’t finish it. But, I’m calmer now, sort of. I don’t know why I’m getting so pissed off, it’s not like I’ve considered J as much more than a loose acquaintance since I started the incident on her advice (of course, I suppose I would have done it anyway, and even if I hadn’t, then I never would have come to terms with what it was that I felt [and still do feel] for R). Maybe it’s because I used to look up to her, y’know? Sure, she was crazy, but she was clean and a nice enough sort.

 

            Okay, wow, I’ve just been staring at a wall for, like, five minutes, and not really staring at it, staring at what ISN’T there, not the scores of things that ara, old things that I enver bothered tio thorw way. Oaky, just made the larger wire into a more or less effective choker that’s probably vutting off blood flow to my brain, but at least everything doesn’t seemt o be moving so goddamn fast right now. Anyway, the girl (J) just went out and got herself, like, totally wasted, then started to deny it. You know, it really doesn’t seem like som uch intil you’ve acvutally lived though it (please note thatn I have poted to leave any spelling m,istakes I might make in the column, just kinda to show how much more than normal my hands are shaking).

 

            I really don’t’ know how to get thes wire off, iges I’ll figure it out once o finidh writngi this column, not too much more now, I guess. Twicwe I;ve wqatched my friends speinto something like trhos. Sother was Kenny k who I think I mentioned earlier, he became an alcoholic in the fourth grade, I can still hear his star of the week presentation formt aht yeay, “hi, my name’s Kenny, and I like alcohol”. H ewas nt hokjnng he had his first frink when he wat his dads wedding rexcepion (ot this decond wife), he asid he din’t have ahn alcoholo orbklm  wow, I can’t typ worth shit right now. He got worse, still ain’t gotten better. It’s kinda irgting to think just how similar he sounded to how jw asntalking tonigiht.

 

            “My wings will pull me up into the sky”. Signing off.

 

(added a little later, not at all calmer) I have seen the angels fall