Live, Love, and Hate – by Orpheus

 

Week 53 – Lucid

 

(1/3/05) The schoolyard was empty. It always had been, as far as he’d been concerned, even when there were people living there., but it seemed so much more lifeless now that he was among the dead. So strange, he thought, I thought that we were supposed to be able to see the living, and I always have before, but it’s Monday, and school’s in session, so why can’t I see anyone here? He considered for only a brief moment that maybe everyone here was as dead on the inside as he’d been, back in the day, but quickly dismissed the thought.

 

He stood up from the small bit of brick wall that he’d been sitting on for god only knows how long, a place he’d also favored while he was alive. As he sauntered over to a nearby tree which looked even more dead here than it had in the skinlands, he cast another quick glance around to try and find if there was anybody that maybe he just hadn’t seen, ghost or human, and felt a strange combination of self-pity, self-loathing, hatred, and sorrow. He fell to the ground and leaned against the tree while sitting almost as though the earth had been pulled out from right underneath him. He felt a strange stirring from deep within, a surge from his strangely dormant Shadow.

 

Eurydice didn’t say anything, of course, she hadn’t spoken a word to him since the Harrowing that had both deeply scarred him and set him free, but he’d seen her passions and felt her love anyway. He hadn’t lost the Passion and Fetter, it had just grown weaker (but sometimes seemed so much stronger). She, he reminded himself, on the Other Side, people have sexes -which means they have sex- Why had that entered his train of thought, or was it his train of thought at all? It seemed different, and yet nothing at all like his Shadow, almost as if a new part of himself were coming to the fore, a part that he’d never seen before now.

 

(1/6/05) This couldn’t be the Transcendence that he’d heard so much about, this couldn’t be the resolution of a Fetter, it felt too hollow. And yet, it seemed to be what it was, it wasn’t his Shadow, it wasn’t one of the Shadow-Eaten, it was all his own doing, or is it? that strange part of his soul called again. It was as though he’d developed some sort of second Shadow, or maybe Eurydice had developed some kind of second skin by which she

 

(1/3/05) He didn’t really know what it was that was going on, he wasn’t sure whether the isolation was making him insane or horribly lucid. He could Embody, even if only enough to force his voice to the Other Side, but he could almost never bring himself to actually do it. And when he did, he could, he was overcome with a brief flood of the Passion that had been weakening so much lately, and then, for a while thereafter it would positively glow, but when the flood came, he got so caught up in it that he could barely remember who he was. All this left him with the terrible question of whether he was sane or lucid. “Where realities converge…” he whispered.

 

Alright, now we move on to the menagerie (somewhere, someone is happy, but Bastet only knows who), we’re gonna start with “My Heartstrings Come Undone” by Demon Hunter, which is the song that really holds Summer of Darkness together, in my opinion, I’d previously only owned the highlights, but I bought the full album and it is actually pretty good, anyway…

 

“It’s buried deep within the past and I

Hope it doesn’t last

(It’s something that I already

Chase, I already chase)

I try to give it all away, but it’s

Never going to fade

(It’s something I don’t want to face

I don’t want to face)

I know you feel it’s all the same

But I promise that I’ll change

(It’s something I already chase,

I already chase)

You know I’m trying to believe

That you’re never going to leave

(It’s something I don’t want to face,

I don’t want to face)

 

There’s nothing left. The fear is gone

 

And when my heartstrings come undone

I will wait for you, pray for you

Before I make my final run

I will stay with you, decay with you

 

I know I’m not the perfect one

And the pain has just begun

(It’s something I already chase,

I already chase)

You bring me to a better path

And it’s everything I lack

(It’s something I don’t want to face,

I don’t want to face)

 

(chorus)

 

If you fade out without me

Will you know all about me?

If you fade out without me

Will you know all?

 

(chorus)”

 

Next on the list is “Lecher Bitch” by Genitorturers:

 

“I am the Lecher bitch and I wear the X of castigation

I am the whore of the extreme

I am the heretic and I crave your excommunication

Look in my eyes

Get a little star struck and a little insane

Tell me your story. Don't worry, I won't care

Cuz I'm the incomparable

Got a mission impossible

Just say that you love me

I say HEY! You're coming all the way

I've got some hell to pay

I'm diggin' all the way

All the way down

I am the Lecher Bitch and I call on all who feed on danger

Taste of the whore suffer my seed

Crawl with the heretic and the world outside gets a little bit stranger

Look in my eyes

Wanna little star fuck and a little good pain

Tell me your story. Don't worry, I've been there

Crown me your savior

Don't worry I'll be there

Don't belong lording above me

Won't be hard to pull you underground

It won't be long till ya love me

Then I'll be coming at your back

To break it down

Crossed your heart but still I lied

Stick this needle down inside

Leave you with an open wound

Left to die alone

Like an animal”

 

Following this, “Cain” by Tiamat. Like “Lecher Bitch” it was on the V:tM Bloodlines soundtrack. Oh, my thanks to R for finding the lyrics to this:

 

“I gave you my love

Though crystalized

I sent you a rose with nevermore

So many years

So many hours

And only thistles on my shore

For all that it's worth

The blood on my hands

Is the blood of divinities

And all that is lost

Sound or unsound

Only bonds between you and me

 

If I go will you follow

Me trough the cracks and hollows

And I would be your Cain

If you would be here now

 

The Mother-of-Pearl

Handcrafted by God

You're the tower they built to reach the sky

A White Falcon beauty

My mark on your skin

Follow me down the stairs when we die

Your soul is in heaven

Your body in hell

It doesn't matter much to me

In the night of the unborn

Sound or obscene

Only bonds between you and me

 

If I go will you follow

Me trough the cracks and hollows

And I would be your Cain

If you would be here now

 

Blessed be our Lady Nuit

Guide us to Ra-Hoor-Khuit

In your night we find shelter

Before the Helter Skelter”

 

Next, we have “The Devil’s Eyes” by Bella Morte, it is written in prose in the booklet for some reason, so that I how it will be presented here:

 

“Well I’ve never been accused of being a good man. And the roads I’ve walked you wouldn’t want to see. And I don’t look to God to find forgiveness. For a demon walks this lonely road with me. I can’t find a better way. If I can’t find the light of day.

 

Well I once knew love when I was just a young man. And this girl became the whole damned world to me. Bit in my devil’s eyes a lie was hidden. So I spilt her blood while she lay there asleep.

 

Well if I’ve killed once I’ve killed a hundred times. But I’d guess that most of them deserved their fate. Some nights I swear I can hear the dead ones screaming. From far below the waters black and deep.

 

The rising tide brings the end of life. As the rising tide brings the end of a day.”

 

Next up is “Second Skin” by Carfax Abbey. You know, SVU is so much better than regular Law & Order, but I suppose that really has nothing to do with the music, anyway, on to the song (which is good):

 

“I’m your god inside tonight,

I run a little piece of heaven through the palm of my hand,

I’m a savior of lethal control,

And when you fall I know exactly where the fuck you’ll land,

I’ve got a little black hole,

For your every little soul,

Tell me, angel, did the dust settle on your wings?

You can breathe in fear,

‘til the day becomes a year,

And we all know exactly what the future brings.

 

My second sight see through you,

Second skin bleed for you

(I’ve got my time on track,

Lying flat on my back,

Staring up into your burning skies)

My second sight see through you,

Second skin bleed for you,

(Am I tripping up?

Or am I falling down?

I am the hero of my own demise)

 

And my speaker,

Preaching to a hushed choir,

About a love he once lost to an endless debate,

Saying “don’t let me be misread,

But God is truly dead,

If He can’t help me nurse this ache”

But Goddamn the way we fall,

When we beckon the call,

Another crafty motherfucker walks a crooked line,

And now I know it’s wrong,

And God knows I’m right,

I take a stroll any time I like

 

(chorus)

 

With my aching hand reach for you,

Burning skin bleed for you,

Laugh at it all until you take the fall.”

 

Next, we have another song off of Bella Morte’s EP “Songs for the Dead”, the song is called “The Forgotten” (and yet I am not):

 

“I don’t know why things seem so faint. I speak aloud but no one can hear me. For just one word I’d do anything, because this silence has been more than I can take.

 

I want to see into your eyes. I want to feel the blood that flows. I want to know again the life I left behind. I want to hear you speak my name. I want to feel you at my side. I want to follow you to where I was before. I can’t go on much longer like this. The pain of the forgotten cannot be healed. As another day goes by in my silent prison cell, another year is lost as I pray to end this hell.

 

Here I walk forever more, forever dying. I want to see life through your eyes. I want to sleep and never wake. When will the walls fall down into the earth.”

 

(1/4/05) Orpheus looked up to the sky. It was coming over him again, the flood of Passion. He didn’t know how long it would last, but he intended to ride the high for as long as he could. (1/6/05) Oh God, but it felt great…

           

Next, we have a few songs off of what happens to be one of my favorite CDs (right up there with Into the Ice and Telemetry of a Fallen Angel). The CD is “I Carry You” by Sunshine Blind, and the first song here will be the title track (one of two songs on the album whose title is relevant to the song):

 

“You are the one who carries me,

The one who sings me into sleep,

You talk so sure and it cuts so real,

You say the things I only dream of saying

 

You’ve given me the feeling,

You’ve been where I’ve been,

You’ve given me the feeling,

You’ve seen what I’ve seen

 

There may be worlds between your songs

And who you are when you’re all alone

I can twist your words

I can put them on

And I can be what you never dreamed you were saying

 

I carry you,

You carry me,

 

There is a chance you’d turn away

If you could see what I do today

The things you’ve done make my gestures pale

But you were me once and I know you’ve felt this way”

 

Next song is “Snake Charmer”, very different style musically, but same album, same band.

 

“I see your ball and chain,

Got you in her web again

And as a spider spins

She’s got you at her fingertips

 

And don’t you know that it’s better to be alone

Than to wish that you could be?

Can’t you see that it’s better to be alone

Than to wish that you could be

 

You know he’ll raise is hand again

Better take your things and run

He loves you, so he says

Think he might love you to death

 

What do you become

When you are alone?

And what are you afraid of

What is it? What is it?

 

You love the social life

You can be who you want to be

You hate to be alone

You can’t stand the company”

 

The last song from this album that I will be using is “Land’s End”, which is somewhere between the musical styles of the above two songs, it has a bit of the Switchblade Symphony-ish style used in Snake Charmer and a good amount of the rock style used in I Carry You, anyway, her it goes, Land’s End by Sunshine Blind:

 

“Soulmate

So distant

I’ll wait

I know, you locked the door

 

Behind you

I ache too

I’ll wait

The things we said were cold

 

Soulmate

Bed’s empty

I’ll wait

Forgive, forget and come to sleep

I ache too

You’re not the only one who’s cold

 

Stalemate.

 

Everything’s so quiet

(Like the snow in the forest)

 

Soulmate

So distant

I wonder

I wonder if you’re sleeping

Are you dreaming

Then I hear you

I hear you come to bed

 

Come hold me

Come warm me

Forgive me

Come home

 

Come home

 

Stalemate”

 

Next is a little somethin’ by me, called Let Go (my thanks to R for coming up with the title for it):

 

“Let go my hand,

Little sister,

I think you’ve held it far too long,

How can you always be so happy?

Is it still the sugar from Halloween?

But I thought all your sweet things were gone,

Does sour do the trick, too?

Your sweet voice,

Little sister,

Always makes me remember,

But when you stop talking,

It all fades away by next dawn,

Don’t hold me so tight,

Little sister,

It’s starting to hurt,

I think your nails have broken skin,

Do you like to do that?

Is there something about my blood?

Because you do it so much,

Don’t you know it hurts?

Or are you taking pleasure in it?

I just don’t understand you,

Little sister,

You say you’ve forgotten,

But the memory hangs about you,

Let go my hand,

Little sister,

I’m beginning to think,

That I’ve outgrown this,

You won’t let me look away,

But I can’t keep your eyes in mine,

You’re always so happy,

I’d love to know how you do it,

Whatever you’re on,

Overdose me,

Never let go my hand,

Little sister,

You’re too much a part of me,

With those nails in my flesh,

I’d feel so hollow if you took them out,

But please,

You’ve held on too long,

Let go my hand,

Little sister,

We were close,

Too close, I guess,

I should never have done what I did,

Never said those three words,

But please,

Little sister,

Let go,

Only for a little while,

They say that if you love something,

You should let it go,

And it’ll come back,

If it loves you too,

And once you let go my hand,

Little sister,

I’m gonna walk down that road,

I may never come back,

I can’t say,

Because I don’t know what’s down there,

I hope I make it to the end,

And then back here,

Set me free,

Little sister,

So I can see what lies beyond,

So that you’ll stop hurting me,

My hands already let go,

I’m surprised you haven’t seen,

Maybe you have,

Maybe you’re trying to get it back,

The rain is coming down outside,

Harder than my heart,

And the wind is stronger,

Than what I used to feel,

The embers still hold,

Against the eastern winds,

But they spill out,

As you draw my blood,

Little sister,

But if I do go down that road,

There’s something I want you to promise me,

Never change,

Never grow up,

You’re perfect just the way you are,

Little sister.”

 

            Next, we’ve got the Kingdom Hearts theme song, “Simple & Clean”, the song is awesome, anyway, here goes:

 

“You're giving me to many things

Lately you're all I need

You smiled at me and said

 

Don't get me wrong I love you

But does that mean I have to meet your father?

When we are older you'll understand

What I meant when I said, "No

I don't think life is quite that simple"

 

When you walk away

You don't hear me say please

Oh baby, don't go

Simple and clean is the way that your making me feel tonight

It's hard to let it go

 

The daily things that keep us all busy

Are confusing me

That's when you came to me and said,

 

Wish I could prove I love you

But does that mean I have to walk on water?

When we are older you'll understand

It's enough to say so

And maybe some things are that simple

 

When you walk away

You don't hear me say please

Oh baby, don't go

Simple and clean is the way that your making me feel tonight

It's hard to let it go

 

Hold me

Whatever lies beyond this morning

Is a little later on

Regardless of warnings the future doesn't scare me at all

Nothing's like before

 

When you walk away

You don't hear me say please

Oh baby, don't go

Simple and clean is the way that your making me feel tonight

It's hard to let it go

 

Hold me

Whatever lies beyond this morning

Is a little later on

Regardless of warnings the future doesn't scare me at all

Nothing's like before

 

Hold me

Whatever lies beyond this morning

Is a little later on

Regardless of warnings the future doesn't scare me at all

Nothing's like before”

 

            Next is a song that I have been planning on putting in one of these for quite some time, and it finally fits in really well, the song is “Eurydice” by the Crüxshadows (but I must say, I don’t like how in the song ‘Eurydice’ is mispronounced so that it rhymes with ‘me’):

 

“A focused voice rains down,

Like a fire storm,

Venture down into the underworld to prove that love is true.

 

Eurydice,

Don’t follow me,

The world has grown too cold,

Eurydice,

Don’t follow me,

My love, I’m loosing hold.

 

If my voice won’t move the Ferrymen,

On my affections alone I’ll cross,

Then stare into the eyes of death eternal,

No matter what the cost

 

(chorus)

 

Sacrifices and the light that leads me here in through this night as vision breaks the world grows dim Persephone argue my case to him I’ll take (focus) his word no looking back (focus) the bridge we cross (focus) still cannot look (focus) and her footsteps I do not (focus) hear is she far behind (FOCUS) or standing near?

 

(chorus)

Eurydice,

Don’t follow me,

Now that my dreams turn black,

Eurydice,

Don’t follow me,

There’ll be no looking back.”

 

            Well, while it’s not exactly accurate, that song above is a good description of the tale of Orpheus and Eurydice. Next, we have a song by a band that sounds an awful lot like the Crüxshadows, it’s “The Cardinal Directions” by ThouShaltNot:

 

“I split the atom of one second
Choosing history's lathe
Each word summons now the next
A master to his slave
Countless links
Within some silent chain
And time becomes the sediment that drifts to algae
Divorced from comets' trains
In the East a reflection
Of the Western sunset
North, South, pole to pole
Turn back in regret
And to the East I might stumble
To the West I would crawl
And if North is the winter
Then South is the fall

And if I had my way
I'd make the clock rewind
I'd live again that moment
Though I know I'll never find
The future that I missed
A parallel line
Where the world would be so bright
That it could make us all go blind
And if I had my day
There's so much I'd reclaim
The sanctity of motion
The neverending rain
The cardinal directions
All pointing to the past
Where realities converge
And for a moment, we're the same(as always)

And magnets spin the compass
In an embryonic flame
Somewhere is the promise
Of an uncharted trail
With seven hundred branching limbs
And seven hundred ways to fail
To the East a reflection
Of the new moon in the West
Her timeless watch is quiet
Over tides of her unrest
To the North is the current
Of a man breathing out
Giving birth to the breeze
To be inhaled in the South”

 

            Next, also by ThouShaltNot, “100 Generations”:

 

“We ate our young,

And never blinked an eye,

We carved out subway tunnels,

And prayed to snipers in the sky,

We practiced medicine,

Without knowing how to heal,

We killed ourselves in dreams a thousand times,

Always believing it was real,

We gave birth silently,

To jargon, metal, smoke,

And mirrors that we kissed,

Until they clouded broke,

We fed a starving child,

With an apple’s knowing taste,

Denying ‘til her dying tears,

The poison with which it had been laced.

 

So father kill your daughter,

Mother kill your son,

Swallow up the universe,

‘Til all the killing’s done,

It happens when you slumber,

It happens unaware,

Out of every human eye,

A hundred generations stare.

 

If you lose your eyes,

You will see,

And if you lose your faith,

You will believe,

And if you lose your blood,

No more will you bleed,

And if you lose your desires,

Never more will you need.

And if you lose your light,

You will glow,

And if your mind,

You will know,

And if you lose your youth,

No more will you grow,

And if you learn to stand your ground,

There’ll be nowhere left to go.

 

Come here to mend,

What’s come before will come again.

 

(repeat chorus until end)”.

 

            Next, you have “Within” by the Crüxshadows:

 

“Yesterday with eyes away,

The briefness of a moment,

As in a blinding flash of light the world came remade,

Vague my life,

A distant shadow filtered through my mind,

And dreamed my lover’s kiss subdued the emptiness inside.

 

I watch a thousand ships go by,

From the cliffs above the helpless tide.

 

And I raise my chin to the god within,

As to carry fear with a failing grin,

And blizzard rage fills every page,

Fills every breath and every taste (within).

 

Pretending nothings,

To take the place of our disappearing words,

Silence where the water flows and where our actions blur,

So angels kiss the brows and lips and pull the strings inside,

Waiting for the firelight to bring tomorrow home.

 

I watch a thousand ships go by,

From the cliffs above the raging tide.

 

(Chorus)

 

(something barely audible, except for “how peaceful are the brave?” at the end)

 

(repeat chorus until end)”

 

Now, “I For An I” by Bella Morte:

 

“Here is life,

It’s not that I don’t care,

It’s that I can’t remember,

A time before life went passing by me leaving only questions,

Here is life,

And what I’ve lost means more with every passing moment,

The sands within are growing thin,

And still I search to find the reason why.

 

As the reasons die,

Hold on to life,

Watch the ending rise,

I for an I.

 

Here lies trust,

Beneath the static sky,

Foundations shift and crumble,

As life stands still,

Grasping at some faint remembrance left to guide us,

Here is life,

A frozen moment shines into a life suspended,

Like dying light,

It lingers long,

Into the dark night’s never ending sky.

 

(chorus)

 

But still I find the need,

The need for something more,

To grasp fragile life,

Until the dawn,

Trace my steps,

And watch that you might find,

Some piece of me that’s lost,

The way is not so far,

The path goes on and on.

 

(chorus)”

 

And, the final song, “The Final Year” by ThouShaltNot:

 

“There's no way outside; you're here with your beliefs
And the change in action which was meant to end the grief
See you scratch the walls 'til your hands are stumps
Make the world conform on this notice brief

Never before and never again
Will they toss the righteous into the lions' den
Atlantic sea of blood as the sun draws near
The sanguine boiling ending this, the final year

And sure as you had hoped, the entropy reveals
That the so-called truth is parallel to what you feel
All on the mortal plane, nothing more is thought
And that you can't see is all that there is not
How the child has grown to this human mass
So relentless in his quest for that which seems to last
And the pillar great, moved from man to man
All but one convinced by the world at hand

Across an armament of human skin in the midst of what is real
And what is for us to feel and act upon, ever to justify
And you succeed, never a price too high
And the sand is falling faster, and it's falling free
Covering the great divides that be
And the ground is rising closer and the sky grows not near
Loving you, the final year.”

 

Alright, that’s it for now, this is Orpheus signing out.