Filler!

Live, Love, and Hate – by Orpheus

Week 47 – Filler!

(11/28/04) I wish I had a Filler Bunny to put here like from Squee or Johnny the Homicidal Maniac, but I don’t, so after I finish this explanation of why I am putting filler in, I will proceed to waste time with a menagerie (which will mostly be there to keep people off my arse about what happened to LLH this week, seeing as last week’s didn’t go up til tonight). Basically, I am taking this week off to pursue Operation: Two-Faced in more fullness than I would be able to give it were I to be trying to work on a new LLH during this week (though the new Oblivion cycle, the VItalis cycle, might begin this week with the first episode being, duh, VItalis).

We will begin our menagerie with “Water to the Dead” by Ego Likeness:

“Step lightly over me,

When I’m giving to the ground,

Keeping my memory,

Where they lay me down,

Let rain come over me,

Wash away the years of filth,

Swallowing my memory,

Wash it down with bitter guilt.

Giving water to the dead,

Drink what I used to be,

Now the cup’s gone sour,

Since you’ve tasted me.

You’ve misplaced your tiny gods,

Lost them to the ground,

Let them suffocate with me,

In the place they lay me down,

Step lightly over me,

Watch the hollow in the ground,

This space left blank for you,

Next to where they lay me down.”

Next, we go on to “Summer of Darkness” by Demon Hunter, which was on their second, and I dare say worse, album (first one was called ‘Demon Hunter’ second was ‘Summer of Darkness’). This isn’t to say that SoD was a bad album, it just wasn’t as good as the other one.

“I'll be the one last breath before this death

I'll be the final glimpse of truth when there's none left

And if I shame your face, degrade your faith

I'll be the first to hide behind disgrace

Blood loss- on account of my failing aim

Treason- At the root of my shameful name

I found my way to fall

I never meant to break your heart

Breathing in this pain (rejecting all I am)

I hear you cry again (is this my final stand?)

Before I go (before I lose it all)

You should know (I hate myself for hurting you)

I see the burn of the light from within my grave

I feel the pain of contradiction despite decay

And if the shadow of doubt will betray this gain

Then put an end to me now while the hope remains

Blood-loss- on the account of my failing aim

Treason- at the root of my shameful name

This is not my life

This is not our life

Every day I die

This is not my life.”

Next, we move on to “She and Her Darkness” by Diary of Dreams (I need to get the new DoD album, ‘Nigredo’). Okay, there are random capital letters in the lyrics booklets to this album, so I am keeping them there in this menagerie (and probably all future ones) for the sake of really getting the DoD feel

“My heart weighs minimum a ton,

An army’s feet pounding on my head,

Maybe I’ll wake up one day to notice,

That all my life was just a dream…

And maybe I’ll be better off without you,

You left me here with all my thoughts,

I’d write a zillion words or walk a million miles

I’d sleep on broken glass just not to loSe your smiles

I travel for you around the world

Collecting moments, o how absurd

To bring you beauty, to bring you joy

I wish I’d be a little boy

Where is that silence you promised me?

Why us that distance so close to me?

Why is your violence still huRting me,

Why are your eyes avoiding me?

Let me say thank you for all that you have given me,

Thank you for everything you’ve done,

Forgive me for saying oNe last thing:

I miss you and I hope you hear this song!

I travel for you around the world

Collecting moments, o how absurd

To bring you beauty, to bring you joy

I wish I’d be a little boy

I’m dying for you, can’t yOu see?

I’m lying for you to be free!

I hunger for you, ‘cause I can’t eat!

I’d vanish for you in defeat!”

Okay, now we have another Diary of Dreams song, Verdict, by this point, you have, I would hope, realized a definite theme to the songs chosen this week (which are all highly recommended by the way).

“Observe the strategies of war,

I know you needed so much more,

This is mEntal, so sentimental,

Any way is my way,

Anything I care for you destroyed,

any promise null and void,

Can’t you tAke my pain away, Tell me, can you?

Can’t we close our eyes foRever, Help me can you?

And now you wonder why I’m asking you to go.

I’d give up anYthing to maKe your dreams come true,

and if I’d pray I’d pray for you,

I’d leave your woRld to find a new one,

But don’t you dare misunderstand!

How can this be a sacrifice,

If you did not loSe anything?

I know it isn’t fair,

But have we ever asked for fairness?

Save yourself from needless harm,

An overdose for now?

How can I talk about completeness,

if I consist of many pieces?

How can these walls come closer,

if there are really none?”

Now, we move on to “Sha la la la” by the Cooler Kids

“What are you doing the rest of your life?

When I first met you,

I was so confused,

Didn’t know what love was,

You cut my heart all open wide,

It’s the symmetry,

It’s the chemistry,

When we’re together,

What are you doing the rest of your life?

Sha la la la la

You’ve gotta break up to make up, baby,

Sha la la la la

I wanna wake up next to you,

Sha la la la la

You’ve gotta break up to make up, baby,

Sha la la la la

I wanna make it up to you.

When I first met you I was so unbruised,

Didn’t know what love was,

Now every time you touch me I get high,

Thought I was so tough,

Couldn’t fall in love,

But you made it easy,

What are you doing the rest of your life?

I know we’ve been fighting,

Who’s right?

Who’s wrong?

It doesn’t matter,

We both get wrapped up in emotions,

And the distance between us is so far,

Don’t give up on us,

Let’s give it one more chance,

Don’t give up on us,

Let’s give it one more chance,

Don’t give up on us,

Let’s give it one more chance,

I wanna make our dreams come true,

I think we can make it”

(11/30/04) Now, we’ve got “My Throat is an Open Grave”, by Demon Hunter. The song is done in quite a different fashion from the band’s usual screaming death metal, but is good none the less.

“We lay face down in pale solitude,

To save face, we pulled our walls in front of you,

To the same place where we danced in front of you,

We fell from grace, and watched the hope fall from your face.

This isn’t me I used to say,

And all the love was so gone,

It feels good to be alive,

I’ve been dead for so long.

All those broken promises,

I can’t face,

The fate if someone notices,

I lose my place,

Fractured broken paralyzed,

I need some space,

Tear me open, analyze.

(chorus)

Wake up screaming,

I’m awake and dreaming,

And I won’t stop breathing

Til my heart stops beating.

(repeat chorus until end)”

Next, we move on to “Silent Walls” by Bow Ever Down:

“Twisting and turning, I’m slowly loosing my mind,

I’m feeling emotions I’ve not yet begun to define,

Hateful by nature, though I have committed no crime,

Counting the seconds, it’s only a matter of time,

I’m sitting in silence, these walls have me confined,

Thousands of voices, not knowing which one is mine,

No understanding of what it’s like to feel,

Trapped in a world where nothing seems real.

Watch where you stand,

You’re in the line fire,

Total destruction,

My only desire (THAT’S MY ONLY DESIRE!!)

(sound clip:

woman: you’re crazy!

man: I’m not crazy, I just don’t give a fuck)

No one can save me, I’m lost in my own pain,

My soul’s been devoured, nothing pure remains,

These walls close around me, your face is all I see,

Try to escape, you’ll kill what’s left of me,

Controlling my freedom, held up by your strings,

Intense thoughts of violence, the only thing you bring,

Cry out for freedom, but no one heard my screams,

This shattered illusion is all that’s left of me.

(repeat chorus until end)”

Oh, by the way, I thought I’d only be doing this and possibly VItalis this week, but I think I’ve got the material and drive to add another column to this week’s schedule, “Stand & Deliver”, as well as a mission report on Operation: Two-Faced on, probably Sunday, I think. Next, we’re gonna use a few of my own poems, first, “Dead Eyes”:

“The boy with the dead eyes doesn’t live here anymore,

He doesn’t live anywhere,

He just faded away one night,

The silence was just too much,

The melodies that once danced freely about his head,

They, too, faded,

His trembling hands struggled in vain,

To hold onto a dream that, sadly,

He could never live,

The walls were his silent witnesses,

Hearing all but giving nothing back,

His hands pushed everyone back,

Though he tried to pull many people close,

His voice failed him when he needed it most,

However, it was only to deaf ears that he spoke,

Helping hands beckoned from beyond,

Then they began to fade,

His eyes lost their life,

His heart stopped beating,

Then, he just disappeared.”

Next, something I wrote a few days ago (maybe a week or two, my sense of the passing of time has been totally shot since Deliverance), it’s called “Burning Winds”:

“Today I awoke to a different dawn,

Though when I began to slumber,

I cannot say,

I was cut down by the burning winds,

And I awoke to find me here,

In this place I call home,

Though it is most certainly not where I left,

So long ago,

The halls are vacant,

No sounds nor sights nor scents of life,

I’ve had such horrid dreams since my fall,

They’ve even bled over to the world,

Where the sky’s stained crimson,

In my sleep,

I heard angels singing from the mountain tops,

And had tea with Lucifer,

In his frozen pit of Cocytus,

I beheld as God tore the sky wide open,

And before my eyes,

Flashed life and love, all that I ever was,

A face from fading photographs,

And fevered dreams.”

Finally (for my poems at least) we’ve got two “classics”, Xanthene Dye and then Raven.

“Run out that door,

And never look back,

Vacant thoughts,

Enter my mind,

Never giving me a single moment of

Peace from thoughts of blood,

How do I still have my mind?

On your head I place the blame for that,

Enriching me with sanity,

Never seeing anyone but you,

In my mind’s eye,

Xanthene dye to paint my sight yellow,

Loathing the grays

In which I see now,

Eternity to find you,

But never to get there,

Can’t bear the pain of separation,

Hell made of it by several hundred miles,

Elation in your presence,

Numb-minded bliss.”

And, “Raven”:

“A raven soars above,

Watching below,

Stare at the raven,

You can only wish to be as free as it,

It soars free,

Not a care,

Unlike you,

Trapped,

Forced to walk the earth,

‘Stead of soaring above it,

They don’t really know you,

Nobody does,

You care,

Though you shouldn’t,

Does it matter in the end,

What they thought,

Or does it only matter that you know yourself,

Be content,

If you know yourself,

You know,

Who you are,

So why do you care,

What they think,

The more you stare,

The more the raven is a phoenix,

Not a raven,

It shows you,

What you needed,

That sometimes,

Nothing need be said,

To make you feel better,

Just need to know,

That you know yourself,

That is all that will matter,

In the end,

The phoenix falls,

Shot by an unknown gun or bow,

Fallen phoenix,

Embodies what you know as true as yourself,

That nobody will care,

If you know yourself,

They will go with what they think,

To be you,

Not what truly is,

But take heart,

That someone,

Even the dying phoenix,

Even yourself,

Knows you,

No matter who you are,

It will know you,

Or you will know you,

Maybe both,

But still,

Nothing need be said,

The phoenix,

Or raven,

Not sure which,

Knows you,

You know it feels as you do,

Even if it says nothing,

You know,

That it sympathizes.”

GODDAMNIT! I just found out that you can’t read those rings that I took a picture of, so I’m gonna have to explain to R what it is that they say. You know, that might explain quite a bit of this…hmm… maybe no Stand & Deliver, depending. Well, that’s where I’m gonna wrap it up for now, so, uh, yeah…

Send something for me to write about, I beg of you, I mean, that’s what LLH is supposed to be about, but I never get topics, so send them to [email protected] or suffer!

(12/3/04) continuing… we move on to Dragonfly by the Crüxshadows:

“"Don't ask me to surrender"

Her voice fell tired and spent

"My hopes and dreams, a silent heart

I carry here within"

her outstretched wings, left tattered

A sail aged with rust

"a breath in time, that's yours and mine...

it belongs to only us."

And I will write her name and cast it to the sky

silhouettes recede into a mother's tearful eyes

a host of angels clamor to her side

a light dissolves to kiss the wind,

release the dragonfly.

See the rose within the field of white

She's searching for the grail

but the rain descends to snatch the light

from distant dying suns

a faint resounding in the night

calls angels wings to beat

singing silent lip-sewn songs

but the distance is too deep...

And I will write her name and cast it to the sky

silhouettes receded into a mother's tearful eyes

a host of angels clamor to her side

a night dissolved to kiss the wind

release the dragonfly

And I will write her name and cast it to the sky

as precious moments will slip away in time

angels fall from grace, and sometimes heroes die

but tonight, my love, ascend the gates,

release the dragonfly

sometimes angels fall, but love will never die

"tonight my soul is something more" -

calls the dragonfly."”

               Next, “Helen”, also by CXS

“The sounds of yesterday still echo in my head

Distant conflicts unresolved

We were young once, and in love

Nothing was more real...more real to me

Fools for lovers, children are in petty circumstance

Like razors seen more clearly now

Watching from the outside looking down

I feel so helpless

I see angels trapped beneath the ice

And strangers in my bed at night

Cloudy skies to cover up the feelings buried in the dark

Helen, i think you understand

The night is silent in your hands

I've given everything I have

And when its gone

There's nothing left but me

*sadness whispers her condolences

For the greatest tragedy of all is love lost

But the greatest virtue belongs to those who will give everything to love again

It is a test*

I don't think its fair to blame each other

For the happiness we sought but didn't find

Gibron's words i heard in angel's sighs

Too young to understand

But I pause as we grow between the lines

And if the walls of our communion fall to nothingness

How wrong the dreamers would be

But I won't accept it, I won't give up

World be damned, for love is hard

And this time...

This time...

I'm not running away

(chorus x 2)

*There is always hope, and the strongest and the bravest will always keep it close to them

For if you surrender hope, than love was right to leave you*

(repeat chorus until end)”

Now, two more songs, first, “Edge of the World” by the CXS

“I walk alone at night,

Rain drops and streetlights,

Reflecting flashes,

Across the asphalt.

In a second’s time, I might refrain from breathing,

With her hand in mine, something is breaking faster,

Through a blackened sky, I see a world unraveled,

I look into her eyes to see the end,

In a second’s time, the walls swim cold electric,

With a tearful smile, she whispers my undoing,

In the hollow night, I find no trace of comfort,

I turn just in time to see the end.

I walk the edge.

Standing on the velvet edge,

Looking backwards in the rain,

I wonder just how many times,

I’ve watched you walk away,

All that fascination bleeds –

Is a piece of infinity,

In frustration still believing,

What I know will never be.

(chorus)

Blurry eyes growing weak,

Fading with the light of time,

Piercing nothing to redeem,

The emptiness with lies,

Pride has raped the sorrowed heart,

And stolen what I love,

Though the cut is digging still,

How much deeper it could go…

(chorus)

Why did you come here,

Just to break my heart again? (I walk the edge)

Why did you come here,

Why did you come here,

Just to sever my last remaining thread –

Why did you come here,

Just to watch me fall again?

(I walk the edge)

Why did you come here-…?

I walk the edge…”

Honestly, I don’t wanna finish this. Goodnight.