Live,
Love, and Hate – by Orpheus
Week
44 – Decidedly Shorter Than Intended
(11/13/04) The above title, for anyone wondering (he
says as if he expects someone to actually be reading this) is referring to my
vacation from writing LLH. Well, not much of a separation between seasons this
time, I mean, last time there was a month or so between them I think, I’m gonna
check that. Okay, it was from April 8th when Eyes was finished to
May 4th, when Deliverance was started. God, I wish that my break
could have been a bit longer, I was thinking “hey, maybe I’ll never have to
write another LLH again, maybe things will finally go right for me” ahahaha, yeah
right.
I’m beginning to wonder if I can actually trust a word that R’s ever told me (by the way, Photo-Safari is still incomplete, I like this song [the song is “Play God!” by Diary of Dreams]). I mean, when I first met her, she was going through a really bad break up with her boyfriend, right? Well, for the sake of the impact here, I think I should mention that I met her on December 6th or 7th of 2002, anyway, I find out this July (that being over a year and a half later, and over two months after the events of Deliverance and Returning in Redemption) that this boyfriend of hers is not only a friend of hers that she’d told me many stories of in the time between these two times, but that said boyfriend is actually a girl.
It doesn’t bother me that she was with another girl (as she thought was the thing that was been bothering me), but rather that it took her nearly 20 months to tell me this, and that she’d been lying to me for so long. And then, tonight, she tells me she’s fine, but then later on I find out that she’s actually going through one of her fits of depression and has been breaking down crying (oh, that’s real fucking fine, isn’t it?).
Now, “why does he bother writing this if he wanted to be on vacation” the astute imaginary reader might ask. “Well,” the author might respond, making the other people in the room think he was going out of his mind again (as seems to happen rather a lot these days), “Live, Love, and Hate is sort of like my journal, and when the excrement hits the oscillating unit (thank you to Kurt Vonnegut for that particular phrasing, as I recall), I just kinda write it down, ‘cuz I dunno what the hell to do with all the anger and aggression that usually accompanies major updates like this, Oblivion, Deliverance, and Crumpled Sketches. I suppose I could start cutting myself again, ‘cuz just like C says, it’s an excellent way to get rid of all the pain, but then again I tried doing that the other night and I couldn’t bring myself to actually push the knife in hard enough to make a cut.
This episode reminds me of fennRis more than anything else, you know/ which means that it probably isn’t anything to get myself worked up over, but I’ll go ahead and do just that anyway, because, well, I dunno why, I just do. I know I’ve got something more to say, but I can’t really think of what it is, so for the time being I’m just gonna, ah fuck this, I really don’t know what I’m doing, I’ll update this a little bit tomorrow before I put it up on the site, probably, maybe I’ll be feeling better after sleeping on it, of course that didn’t work the day before I wrote fennRis, but hey, I didn’t start writing immediately after the event (can you believe that I don’t even get a fucking weeks worth of vacation?)
(11/14/04) Well, I’m feeling a lot calmer than I was yesterday, but I still have to say that I made a damn fine point yesterday. Sorrowfully back, this is Orpheus, signing out. (Oh, I promise less filler this season)
(11/14, later) You know something’s wrong when you can’t enjoy piloting giant, fighting robots. Played the first 5 missions of MechWarrior 4: Vengeance, and well, I just wasn’t having fun (which is odd considering how much I love the MechWarrior series). I guess something’s really eating at me, damned if I know what (normally, there would be some cheap joke about a parasite here, or maybe werewolves, but I’m just not in the mood right now). My throat’s getting really sore, has been for the past few days. There’s gotta be something I could say that would finally make me stop rambling on and on, you know, maybe figure out what it is that’s bugging me so much right now.
Maybe my sore throat came from screaming at the damn Orpheus group on Thursday, I swear, those guys never listen to me, I ain’t got a clue why the fuck I keep at it. I need a break, not just from LLH but from everything around here, everyone around here, but I still got 1008 days until I can leave here (yes, that’s right, I keep track of how many days ‘til I turn 18 and can legally leave).