Love, As told by Hobbit-Part I

The next topics of my writings will the Love and how wretched it is. Love... A subject I am both fond and horrified of. I have been in love only twice and both times tore at my heart. Let me first explain a few things on love, in my point of view. Love, I have realized, is evil. It cannot be found and cannot be caught. It is fragile but it is also strong. It is mysterious and always out of reach. It is impossible to live without and yet, it can take away your very breath. It can make the weak fly. It can bend the mightiest until they break. It can make the wretched cry. It is such a powerful emotion. Such a powerful state of being, people die from lack of. There is not one person in the whole world that does not want love. It is a drug and a candy. It can never be explained and will always be misunderstood. I, myself, have indeed gone mad in search of true love. Which has left me, always, in tears on the floor. I am aware that I am 16 and that there is a world out there filled with love and lust and wretched nights. But I am impatient and want what is coming to me now. I don’t want sleepless nights wondering where he is and who he is. If he is handsome, if he is not. If he is smart, if he is an idiot. If he is fun or if he is frigid. If he is rich, if he is poor. So many things that fill my mind that leave me, in the end, empty. Now let me explain my 2 loves. The two men who have loved me and hurt me the most. The two men that made me what I am today. A horrible, little, angry, perverted, young woman. Jeff. Jeff was my first love. My first kiss. My first dance. My first everything. He made me feel like a princess. But, alas, it was not meant to last it seemed. For we had met on a cruise to Mexico. I had not expected to meet my prince charming on a week long trip. But I did, and I fell. The night I had realized I loved him was the most spectacular night of my life and I will never forget it. The other kids on the boat were teazing me about god know what and I had had enough of it. I calmly put down what I was doing and walked to the end of the boat. It was a cloudy night and the stars were basking in the light of the ever present moon. It slowly began to rain and I just stood with my hands on the rail, too upset to care. Then I hear a voice behind me. “Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?” I turned slightly and looked at him from the corner of my eyes. “No... Go away, Jeff. I don’t want to talk to you.” The faint sounds of his footsteps drew closer to me. He whispered into my ear as he put his hand on my shoulder “Please... Tell me what’s the matter.” I turned fully around and looked at his warm face. Concern had furrowed his brow and it made me swoon. Someone had finally come into my life that cared, genuinely about me. So I told him. I told him everything. How I was tired of being a human welcome mat. I was tired of being “the cute one”. I was tired of how people treated me and how I wasn’t corageous enough to change any of it. He told me to look at the stars. All the universe was there in front of me but my tears were making it impossible to see. I looked at him confused. He then said words I can never forget, “Wipe away your tears of worry and sorrow. If everyone was upset about everything, we could never see the world in front of us.” He then held me close to him. “Just be yourself and you won’t have a need to cry anymore.” It was then, at that moment in time, in space, in the universe, that I realized that I loved that man. I told him the next day how I felt and he told me the same. The next few days on the ship were the most wonderful of my life. Valentines day was one of them. I had expressed before to him that I had never had a real valentine’s day and I wasn’t expecting anything this year. At 9 o’clock, Seth, one of my friends on the boat, told me to go to the wind deck. So I did. I was an idiot and I guess I still am. There was Jeff, aglow in the full moon. It was extremely windy so no one was up there. He had borrowed a cd player from the game room and a cd from the Dj, who by the way sucked ass. And there, at the wind deck of the Elation Carnival Cruise Line, we danced in the windy moonlit night. And I cried. I had never been so happy. I had never loved someone before and he, he was a marvelous way to start. When the week ended and I was in the car home, I was bitter and cynical. I had perfection in my life and it was taken from me. For three days I couldn’t sleep, my eating habits were erratic and I was jumpy and irritable. Then I recieved a letter. A beautiful letter, from my love, Jeff. Our relationship lasted for 5 months until we both felt distance had taken it’s toll. He loved someone else and I, well... I decided he should be happy. We still talk, and he says he still loves me. Heaven knows... I still love him too... Sean. Sean was a love that I was unfortunate enough to entangle myself in. I was lonely. My last boyfriend had left me because he said I was “cute but not hot.” and found a prettier fish in the sea. Sean, at the time, was a god send. But after we had been going out for a week, he started acting funny. He was no longer loving, he was rude and yelled at me. If I was gone with my friends he would call me and accuse me of cheating. I, feeling I loved him, apologized and spent the rest of my time in that month and a half with him. I finally decided to break it off after an incident. I won’t explain because it is very uncomfortable for me. But I decided I would be a whore no more. So, yes, I loved him. And in a twisted way I still do. His power over me has not been broken and the soft gazes he rarely sends towards me at lunch still haunt my thoughts and trigger a smile as well as a tear. Love. Is not tender and is not harsh. It is always a step ahead of you and you will never catch it. But it will let you hold it for a small time. And that small time, is the most magnificent in the world. Hobbit will close her heart once again and lock it. Hoping that someone has the key.

Yes I cry at chick flicks,

Hobbit