Live, Love, and Hate – by
Orpheus
Week 86 (the hundredth episode)
– Stand and Deliver
(6/19/06, 11:28 PM) Wow, it’s certainly been a while, hasn’t it, dear
imaginary readers? And I have SO much to say, but nowhere near enough words to
say it in. I suppose there’s no better place to start than with who Eurydice was
to me (yes, a throwback to Deliverance). She was the perfection of a dream which
I was struggling to find in reality. Or at least that’s one way to look at it.
If you believe in premonitions, well, maybe she’s one of them. She doesn’t come
around much anymore. In a way, the last time she came around, well, she seemed
sorta like Ai at (at one of) the ending(s) of
Hourglass of Summer.
Speaking of whom, I got one of those yogurt parfait things. It was pretty
good. Okay, Orpheus, what the hell does this have to do with anything? The
imaginary reader asks. Well, I would answer, I don’t like yogurt. So then why
was it good? The reader asks. Because it had, like,
strawberries and blueberries and granola in it, I aanswer. So what the hell does this have to do with
Seno Ai? The reader asks. Well, I’m getting there! I answer,
like the impatient jackass that I am. Okay, well, she has this thing
with, like, yogurt shakes, and well, yeah... Okay, the reader asks, why did you
feel like telling us this? I really don’t know the answer to that one. Maybe it
has to do with product placement. Or maybe, I dunno.
Now, for those who aren’t aware, I had a run-in with little Amy either at
the very end of April or the very beginning of May. She was civil enough, I
wasn’t. Neither were her friends who just started bitching at me one by one. And
apparently, yeah, I was right, the girlfriend was Nicole. Anyway, you may recall
that in Nowhere 6, I seemed to be getting over her. Well, that sure didn’t last
long, within two weeks I was already sliding back to all the crap you saw in the
other Nowhere episodes. And while this conversation did just totally mess me up
for a while, I guess it really did help me and, well, yeah.
(6/26/06, sometime around 3 am) Since the beginning of ’05, I’ve been
(both consciously and otherwise) cutting myself off from just about everyone I
know. Where did it start? J, see the episode Silver Wire Is Hard to Break for an
explanation, if you don’t quite recall. After that, I just couldn’t look at her
the same way that I always had. Which is to say, like the older sibling that my
real older brother just wasn’t (and still isn’t). Then the next was R. We tried
to keep in touch for a while after the break, but it just didn’t work. Sometimes
I’d wonder what the hell I ever saw in her and I’d just get so angry over all
these stupid little things, other times, I’d just want so badly to get back
together with her (J [whom I am not entirely cut off from] said that the reason
for this was because I just needed resolution to the whole thing). She seemed
just fine with it, but the whole thing was just too awkward for me. It bugs me
that I never said good bye to her, but I just can’t bring myself to do it. And,
of course I forgot one. My good old friend Kristofer. Now, we still stay in touch, we’re still
friends, yeah. But we’re not what we used to be. In middle school, people pretty
much treated us as one person, because that’s how we always were (as I recall, K
once referred to the two of us as ‘the strangest person she’d ever met’, or
something along those lines). I pretty much stopped talking to Amy after she
came out of the closet. I mean, I was pretty fucking pissed about the whole
thing, y’know? And, as you probably noticed, I stayed that way for so long, and
somehow deluded myself into believing that it wasn’t true. But these days, I
just can’t bring myself to feel angry about it, I know, I’ve tried, all that
happens is I just feel so... so sorrowful, so regretful. I really wish that I
hadn’t been so preoccupied with R during the whirlwind affair with little Amy. I
wish that I’d realized just how great it was, I wish that I’d appreciated it
more. But I don’t regret laying it on so thick, because that’s really how I
felt. I don’t regret telling her that she tore my world apart because she did.
Granted, it wasn’t a great idea to change my world so that the core of it was
just trying to protect her, just trying to make her happy. Some nights, I get
the urge to call her up and ask her if she’s happy, not to ask for forgiveness
or for the second chance I’ll never get, but just to know if she’s happy. Of
course, I never do, because I know it won’t do me any good, and it’d probably
actually hurt things. Then there’s C. Pretty much the same story as Amy, only we
were able to keep going for a while after she got a girlfriend, but hen, I
dunno, I just all but stopped talking to her I don’t think we’ve spoken since
maybe a day or two after the last time I spoke to Amy. Once again, I kinda wish I’d said goodbye. And as for Samceool, I dunno. We seem to have drifted a bit. Maybe it’s
because I send him long rambling emails just about every night (usually two, but
the second one tends to be shorter), detailing every last little thought that
has popped into my head over the course of the day (or close enough to it) . It
strikes me as this would get annoying after a week or two, and then seriously
aggravating after a month.
I’ve done so much dreaming over the course of the last school year that
it really seems like a dream, at least time wise. You know how when you wake up,
it could have spanned years, but you always feel like it happened in, like, 3
minutes or something? Yeah, it’s kinda like that. It’s
just so weird being awake again. Oh, and it looks like this might be the last
LLH. Right now, I’m listening to Depeche Mode’s Black
Celebration album. This thing was so… emblematic, for want of a better word, of
last summer. It’s so strange listening to it (or watching Donnie Darko, since it’s even more emblematic), just how much it
reminds me of all the little things of back then that I’d kinda overlook. Like when I was watching Darko, I kept thinking about how sometimes on the walk home
from summer school, I’d stop in at KFC and get a giant 64 oz soda. Anyway, back
to what I was saying about the dream thing, I actually briefly though (again)
about asking R for another chance the other day (I’m not sure why), when it
donned on me that “oh my god, it’s a month and a week or so less than a year
since it ended”. I mean, just, wow... (on a side note
about Black Celebration being so emblematic, the song that strikes me as being
best about this is A Question Of Time, seen in regards to Amy).
And, y’know, yesterday/today (depending on if tomorrow starts at midnight
or when you wake up), I went to the first party that I’d been to since December
in eighth grade (for those not keeping track, I just finished eleventh grade a
few days ago). It was kinda disappointing. It’s not
that I didn’t have a good time (I did), but that I’d kinda been thinking for a whil
that the next party I’d go to was gonna be R’s for her
senior prom (she’s a grade higher than I am). Of course, at some point during
the year-long dream, I forgot to forget about all that. Oh well.
Oh, and at some point (maybe over the summer, maybe during the school
year, I haven’t the slightest clue), I lost that scarab amulet. Ironic. Oh, and I promised Samecool
I’d explain why I’d started watching anime recently (and rather a large amount
of it at times). It’s because, well, it’s something I’d shut myself off from. At
first it was because I wanted to see Princess Mononoke
‘cause Amy’d recommended it.
And after that, I liked it, so I looked up the other Ghibli/Miyazaki movies. As for Evangelion, it’s because I caught an episode of it on
Cartoon Network, and I liked it, so I bought the first episode of the comic,
watched the whole series, and started getting the other comics. And, well, yeah,
the rest of it (what little there is) is pretty much either an extension of that
as a sort of what-was-I-missing-because-I-wouldn’t-accept-this type thing or
because of that game True Love.
And y’know, life right now is so weird because I really can’t much
remember the last time I was without one of my horribly obsessive puppy-love
crushes.
Now, instead of a full menagerie, I just wanna
give you the lyrics to (Don’t Fear) The Reaper by the Blue Öyster Cult:
“All
our times have come,
Here, but now they’re gone.
The
seasons don’t fear the reaper,
Nor
do the wind, the sun or the rain,
We
can be like they are,
Come
on, Mary,
Don’t fear the reaper,
Baby take my
hand,
Don’t fear the reaper,
We’ll be able to fly,
Don’t fear the reaper
Baby, I’m your man.
Violent time is done
Here, but now they’re gone.
Romeo and Juliet
Are
together in eternity,
Like
Romeo and Juliet,
Forty thousand men and women every
day,
Like
Forty thousand men and women every
day,
Redefine happiness,
Another forty thousand come in every
day,
We
can be like they are,
Come
on baby,
Don’t fear the reaper,
Baby take my
hand,
Don’t fear the reaper,
We’ll be able to fly,
Don’t fear the reaper,
Baby
I’m your man.
Now
the two is one,
Here, but now they’re gone.
He
came on the last night of sadness,
It
was clear that she couldn’t go on,
The
door was open and the wind appeared,
The
candles blew and then disappeared,
The
curtains flew and then he appeared,
Saying don’t be afraid,
Come
on, Mary,
And
she had no fear,
And
she ran to him,
And
they started to fly,
They
looked backward and said goodbye,
She
had become like they are
She
had take in hand,
She
had become like they are,
Come
on, baby,
Don’t fear the reaper.”
And now, for Orpheus the Ghost, in the final Oblivion
episode:
Orpheus held his arms around himself tightly. He couldn’t tell the voices
apart anymore. He didn’t know which one was his own, he didn’t know which one
was Eurydice, and he didn’t know which was that decidedly
darker part. The worst (or perhaps the best) part was not knowing which
one was his shadow.
His body was covered in sores and strange tattoos. His eyes glistened
black. His teeth were pointed and stained. He had all but lost the fight with
his Shadow, whoever it was.
But he would NOT let it win. He stood poised on the edge of the Nihil, arms outstretched. He could here the snarlings of the Spectres, the
Shadow-Eaten, lurking just on the other side of the tear in the Shadowlands. Waiting to tear him
apart.
“Say good-bye on a night like this, if it’s the
last thing you ever do,” he quietly sang before throwing himself down the hole.
And then, without a flash or a bang, without even a whimper, and almost as if by
magic, Orpheus was gone from the world.
Okay, well, yeah, that’s mostly it. You all really ought to listen to
this album (Black Celebration by Depeche Mode), it’s
absolutely beautiful, especially Here Is The House and
But Not Tonight (though the song World Full of Nothing has always kinda bugged me). Send any emails that aren’t angry snarlings like those ones Erika sent to [email protected]. And, I’d
like to end this all with some lyrics, not from Into The Sky by Switchblade Symphony like I tend to, but from
Andrew Lloyd Webber’s Phantom of the Opera, “It’s over now, the music of the
night.”