By
Raymond Harrington
©
2001
A
10-minute play for one actor and one dog
Raymond
Harrington
1319
Rodman Road
Wilm,
DE 19805
(302)
654-3935
[email protected]
www.geocities.com/sambyke
Cast:
Human
(any age)
Dog
(real or imaginary)
All
lines for the dog to be read by the actor in a baby voice.
The
idea is that the human is talking for the dog. Not that the dog is really
talking. So the human is really talking to their self. If the human is
male the dog says daddy, if the human is female the dog says mommy.
Setting:
Living
room of a house or apartment, on a couch or lazy boy. Some newspapers or
old fast-food wrappers on the floor, TV remote, etc., but not to excess.
As lights come up a man is discovered, lying on couch with leg up on pillows.
His leg has a brace or bandage around his knee. He is thumbing through
a magazine. He sees nothing that interests him.
Human
(To himself, making sound with his lips) puh puh puh puh puh puhpuh. Man, this is killing me.
(Continues thumbing through magazine, almost interested in something then changing his mind)
Human
God, I’m getting old! (Exhales loudly) puh puh puh puh puh puh puh puh puh.
Dog
(off
stage)
Woo-wooo woo-wooo (lots of barking)
Human
Go get ‘em, Percy! (barking stops)
Dog
(off
stage)
Woo-woo woo-wooo (more barking)
Human
Atta
boy, don’t take no crap from them!
(More
barking)
OK,
that’s enough you idiot! (dog continues to bark) Percy, cut it out! Don’t
make me come up there! (more barking)
You’ve
got the brains Christ gave a bottle cap!
(Dog
stops barking) Did you get ‘em? Good boy. You probably heard a mouse fart
or something!
(Picks up magazine) Puh puh puh puh puh puh puh.
(Under his breath) Jesus take me now.
(Sets down magazine) (To dog) What are you looking at? Huh? What do you want? Give your daddy a kiss, come on, come here, atta boy, who’s my number one? Huh? Who’s my baby? Huh? You are, that’s right, you is my baby dog. What you want, son? Huh? What you want?
Dog
You know what I want, daddy!
Human
(Laughing at himself) Yes I do!! You want daddy kisses! (Kisses dog)
Dog
Bad guess, daddy.
Human
(Still laughing) It’s not that time yet; you’ll have to wait.
Dog
I don’t know if I can, dad.
Human
Well you don’t have a choice; we don’t always get what we want.
Dog
Tell me about it. You don’t look happy, daddy.
Human
I’m not, thanks for noticing; I knew I kept you around here for something, Mr. Overhead. That’s what you are you, know that? Pure overhead.
Dog
You want me to do some housework?
Human
Let me guess — you’ll clean out the fridge, right?
Dog
If you think I should?
Human
Nope, I don’t think so.
Dog
Bummer. Well, do you want me to tell you a story?
Human
Sure, go ahead.
Dog
OK. I only know one story, so stop me if I’ve told it to you already.
Human
Sure.
Dog
It’s called “Why God made people.”
Human
I’ve never seen your religious side before.
Dog
Do you want me to tell it or not? I’ve got other things to do. I got licking that could last me through April.
Human
Sorry, go ahead.
Dog
Thanks, now where was I… oh yeah, why God made people. Once upon a time, a long, long time ago before there was anything at all, all there was was God. And God was just there being, you know, God, and after awhile he got kind of bored cuz it was just him alone, so he decided he needed something to do, so he made himself a dog. Which makes sense if you think about it. And God really liked his dog a lot cuz, well, what’s not to like.
Human
I could give ya a list.
Dog
Yeah, good daddy, but save that for one of your stories. So anyway after awhile God figured one dog was so much fun, why not make more dogs and that’s just what he did, he made a whole lot of dogs. He made big ones and little ones, furry ones and short-haired ones and those little fuzzball-looking ones that look like it’s missing its mop handle. So after awhile God figured he needed a place to put his dogs and he decided he should make them a great big doghouse, so that’s what he did. He made the earth. Basically it’s God’s great big doghouse and all the dogs were sent down to the earth and they had a great time.
Human
How do you know all this?
Dog
Cuz dogs got instinct — do you know what that is?
Human
No, why don’t you tell me?
Dog
Well see, I can remember everything that happened to my parents from up until I was born. See? And my parents both can remember what happened to their parents and since that was also before I was born, I could remember it too. And that’s how it works all the way back through time until the beginning. Can’t people do that?
Human
No we can’t.
Dog
Then how do you know what’s bad to eat and what to chase and all?
Human
That’s what Oprah’s for.
Dog
Whatever. Anyway, so after awhile God got busy doing some other stuff and he forgot all about his dogs. Sound familiar?
Human
It only happened once.
Dog
Yeah, and he left all the dogs alone on earth, but earth didn’t look like it does now. It didn’t have all the stuff in it — all it had was rocks and oceans and smoke and volcanoes — basically it was real bad and there was no food to eat. And after awhile some of the bad dogs started to eat the good dogs because there was nothing else to eat. They were chasing each other around and killing each other and it was awful. And just when it looked like all the good dogs would be eaten, God remembered he hadn’t looked in on his dogs for awhile and when he did he saw what the bad dogs did and got real mad at the bad dogs and do you know what he did to them?
Human
No, what?
Dog
To punish the bad dogs he turned them into all the other stuff in the world, you know, like trees and birds and stupid effing cats and squirrels and rabbits — man I hate them stupid squirrels. The way they wag their fluffy squirrel tail right in your face just to tease you and do the stupid squirrel dance — man, I could just tear them apart! Sorry! I got carried away. Then God let all the good dogs chase all the bad dogs around and eat them. Boy it was fun, so that’s why dogs like to chase cats and rabbits and stupid effing squirrels, cuz basically its payback.
Human
That sounds great.
Dog
Yep, it was for awhile but then God got tired of feeding us all the time and as much as we liked chasing the squirrels, we liked it better when God just brought us our dinner. So God made someone to help him out with feeding his dogs: people. See, God made people so that people could feed God’s dogs! So if you are ever having a bad day and you aren’t happy cuz things aren’t going your way and you are trying to figure out why you are here on this planet and what your purpose is, just feed me — cuz that’s the reason people are here. That’s the secret to life, daddy!
Human
You want to get something to eat?
Dog
I thought you would never ask.
Human
Do all dog stories end with food?
Dog
Yepper! Some just take longer than others! But it’s the same story. That’s why I only know the one!
(Lights
out)
The
End
Dedicated to Percy and Bug, my best non-human friends in the world
