Jane Mulkerrins and Tim Gallico

J: I'm havin' a laff. How was it for you?

T: Well, Jane, for the first time in my life, I actually like John's. Despite all their league and Cuppers victories, they've given me a slightly better memory of my time at Cambridge.

J: Balls, balls, balls. I've liked John's once. Can't remember why. Think I've got a mate there. Anyway, the big ball. Pretty fantastic, I'd say, even for an understater such as myself. Top time, innit? Specially the ooh ahhh ooh ahhh fireworks. Slightly better than the parish ones I've experienced in the past.

T: Hmmm, the fireworks were brill. As was getting to meet my absolute pop star hero Alda. And Republica. And a puntful of champagne. And a seemingless bottomless tub of Ben & Jerry's ice cream. Yum.

J: Yes, Alda liked you quite a bit. Not as much as the policemen liked me. Tee hee. But I'm sure you liked the very PC Jew-friendly eye-popping hog roast. Hmmmmmmmm. Yummeeeeeeeeeee.

T: Jane, you are a vegetarian. Or is that me missing your sarcastic side again?

J: Shit, Tim, you're right. And I ate all those fajitas that were entirely non-veg-friendly. Oh no. Anyway, we should stop bickering about the trough. Fireworks were 'ckin amazing, weren't they? You know it. And the fact that I've drunk little else but champagne, makes it pretty damn tasty doesn't it?

T: Not as tasty as Saffron (she's from Republica, kids), all rock chick and red like a rock tart ready to go for it in front of a mad-for-it crowd of red boys basking in a sea of champagne.

J: Do you know who WILL be yum? Gigantomachy. They've got this top tune called 'Suck Cock' or some such like. Anyway, it'll be massif. So I hear. Can't wait for it.

T: Yes. That particular tune happens to be one of my faves. Up there with 'Star 69'. Still, there's more. Danny Rampling and his love groove dance party is bound to keep the kids more than happy on this glorious Tuesday evening in ever-so-chic Cambridgeshire.

J: Tim, your sartorial elegance astounds me. But even more astounding is the fact that it doesn't look like John's anymore. It's a fairy kingdom. Where you get mullered for free.

T: But beyond the simple pleasures of booze and bands there is, of course, the intellectual challenge of John's murder mystery thing. Solve the quiz of quite how large Professor Plum's plums really are and win a rugby shirt for your efforts. I'm sure you'll do well in that particular one, Jane.

J: Ooooh, it's like Choose Your Own Adventure. I think you did it. Or Alda. Or all those mad thesps in character. Don't you just love it when your mates manage to stay in character and you just giggle, aided by the bubbly stuff - of which, I may have mentioned, there is lots? I reckon they did it. Fab nutters. I want to do this every night. Always. For ever.

T: And ever and ever. Tonight has been absolutely fantastic. If I was from Yorkshire, I would have happily paid 50 smackeroos for tonight's frolics.

J: But you're not. You're from Kent. And we're here for free. Fab, innit?

Worth:depends how much champagne you neck in the first hour. In our case, about £150. Each. Rating: at least 100%. But we're pissed. As we should be.