All Sorts of Feelings...the final “Lexie” story

© 2002 by Sampast

 

(Author’s note: Grab a few tissues for this one, folks.  Consider yourself warned.  This will be the last of the Lexie stories.)

 

I had only been here for one day, but it seemed like an eternity.  Aunt Mickie was being really nice to me.  She was trying to bend over backwards and do all kinds of stuff for me, but I didn’t want anything from her.  All I wanted was to be back at home, my home, and in Daddy’s arms.

 

Saying good-bye to Daddy had been so hard.  It had been the hardest thing in my whole young life.  I had thought that we were going to be together forever.  He had promised me.  But I knew that Daddy was just as upset as I was.  He had no idea that my real mother had had a sister.  He didn’t know that Aunt Mickie would come along and want to keep me.

 

I walked around Aunt Mickie’s apartment.  It was very small, so it didn’t take very long.  I peeked into her room.  It was a real mess.  All of a sudden, I heard a sound.  I turned around and Aunt Mickie was staring at me.  She looked angry.  Uh oh.  My first day here and I was already in trouble.

 

“Lexie?” she said.

 

“Uh, yes, ma’am?”

 

“That’s my room, sweetheart, and I don’t want you to go in there.  Do you understand?” she said sweetly.

 

Well, sort of sweetly.  It was the kind of sweetness when you know the person doesn’t really mean it, but they’re trying to do it sweetly, but what they really want to do is completely lose their temper and yell at you.  I’ve seen it before.  Lots of times before.

 

I looked at my aunt, who was actually a complete stranger to me.  I couldn’t believe I was in this situation...forced to live with someone I didn’t even know.  I just nodded and said, “Sure, no problem.”

 

“Good,” she said.  “Come on,” she said, holding out her hand to me.  “Let’s go get some ice cream and then we can go to the park down the block.”

 

I wasn’t really in the mood for ice cream.  I wasn’t really in the mood for anything.  But since I was stuck here, I might as well have some fun, so I went with Aunt Mickie.

 

We went to Baskin Robbins and I had a waffle cone with cookies and cream-that was my favorite.  Aunt Mickie didn’t even care that I couldn’t finish the whole cone.

 

She didn’t even care that my hands were all sticky.  She didn’t make me wash them or nothing.  Daddy would have taken out baby wipes or made me go wash my hands with soap.  I sighed.  I really missed him.  I tried to put him out of my mind, but it wasn’t easy.

 

I went with Aunt Mickie to the park.  She just sat on a bench and made phone calls on her cell phone while I played.  No matter.  I didn’t wanna play with her anyhow.  I sat in the sandbox and tried not to cry.  How could this have happened to me?

 

Somehow I got through that first day.  That night I felt all slimy.  I had gotten really dirty at the park and I still had ice cream on my hands and face.  I kept waiting for Aunt Mickie to tell me to wash up or to run me a bath, but she didn’t do either. 

 

Finally I went up to her.  She was sitting on the couch in the living room watching TV.  She looked up.  “What are you up to?” she asked.

 

“I, um, I’m kinda sticky,” I told her, showing her how my hands stuck together.

 

“Oh, that’ll come clean in the shower,” she told me.

 

Shower? I never took showers.  I looked at this woman like she was crazy.  I was six years old.

 

“What?” she asked.

 

“I, uh, usually take a bath, ma’am,” I said politely.  Grownups didn’t like it when you corrected them, and I didn’t know this woman very well, so I didn’t want to upset her.

 

“Well, I don’t have a bathtub, Lexie, so you’ll have to learn to take showers.  Go try to figure it out.  If you can’t, call me, and I’ll help you.”

 

I just stood there.  She didn’t have a bathtub? That was too weird.  I went to the bathroom and peeked in.  I hadn’t noticed it before, but she was right; there was no tub.  Just one of those shower stalls like you see on TV.

 

I didn’t know how to take a shower; had never taken one by myself.  I had taken one with Jenny and Lissa once the summer before after we had gone in their pool.  But Gabriella, their housekeeper, had been there to help us.

 

I missed them.  I hadn’t had a chance to say good-bye to them before I left.  Everything had happened so suddenly.  I started to wonder if Aunt Mickie would let me continue my piano lessons.  I had brought my sheet music and my lesson books, just in case.  After all, Daddy wouldn’t need them at the house anymore.  I missed Uncle Steve.  I missed playing the piano.  Then I realized something, Aunt Mickie didn’t have a piano either.  I sighed.

 

I took my clothes off and went into the bathroom.  I tried to figure out the shower.  I had no idea what I was doing, but somehow I managed to get un-sticky and got my hair washed, but I wasn’t happy about having to do this myself.  I missed Daddy giving me a bath.  As the water ran down my back, I just started to cry, and I couldn’t stop.

 

And when I was ready for bed, I went to her to see if she would tuck me in.  I wasn’t sure I wanted her to, but I was in a strange place and I was a little scared.  She had looked up from the TV and said, “So, you figured out the shower?”

 

“Uh, yeah,” I said.  I learned fast that she didn’t care if I called her ‘ma’am’ or not.

 

“Good.  Come watch some TV with me,” she had said.

 

I yawned.  “I’m uh, kinda tired,” I told her.

 

“Oh, then go to bed.  Tomorrow we’ll register you in your new school.”

 

I sighed for the millioneth time that day.  I had started over at more schools than I cared to remember.  But I thought when I lived with Daddy that I was finally going to be in the same school til 6^th grade.  Now I was starting over again.

 

I stood there waiting for Aunt Mickie to get up.  But she didn’t.  After a while, she turned back to me and said, “I thought you were going to bed.”

 

“I, uh, I was, I am, I mean.”

 

“You don’t need me to tuck you in or anything like that, do you?” she asked. 

 

I would have said yes, but she asked it in such a way that meant I’d be crazy if I had said yes.  So I said, “No, I just wanted to say good night.”

 

“Oh right, good night then, Lexie.  See you in the morning.”

 

There was no kiss, no hug, no I love you.  Of course she didn’t love me.  How could she?  She didn’t even know me.  She didn’t even try to know me.  Not that first day or even the first week.  After a while, I wondered why she had wanted me to live with her.

 

As the weeks went by, I found myself crying in the shower all the time.  That is, when I remembered to take one.  Aunt Mickie never reminded me.  She didn’t seem to notice when I was dirty or clean.  She didn’t notice if I was hungry or not.  She didn’t really talk to me much.

 

She never asked how school was.  She barely asked me what I wanted for dinner.  Most nights I ate cold cereal.  Aunt Mickie was never around.  I made my own breakfast in the morning, my own lunch to bring to school, and most nights my own dinner.

 

I didn’t study for school, and I was failing every subject.  But I didn’t care.  Aunt Mickie didn’t care either.  First grade would be over soon, anyway.  I didn’t even care if I didn’t go on to second grade, like my new teacher kept threatening.  I never brought home the notes she gave me.  What would be the point?  Aunt Mickie wouldn’t have signed them anyway.

 

All she did was hang out with her boyfriend and smoke and drink.  They had parties all the time.  Even in the middle of the week.  But every time Mrs. Sage called to see how things were, Aunt Mickie said things were great.  When Mrs. Sage came by, the house was clean, I was clean, and Aunt Mickie oohed and ahhed over me.  I always liked when Mrs. Sage came by because it was the only time I was noticed.

 

I couldn’t tell Mrs. Sage that things weren’t going well.  I was scared.  I didn’t know what they would do with me.  They probably wouldn’t let me go back and live with Daddy anyhow.  And I didn’t want to go back to Sunrise Children’s Home.  Not after how I had bragged and bragged about being adopted and going to live with Daddy permanently.  So when Mrs. Sage called or came by, I pretended just like my aunt that everything was wonderful.

 

One night when Aunt Mickie wasn’t home yet and it was 11:00 at night, I felt scared.  It was raining outside and there was thunder and lightening.  I held Zam tight under the covers and tried not to cry.  I wished Daddy were there, or Uncle Steve.  They would hold me and tell me things would be all right.  I knew I would be safe if one of them were there.

 

I tiptoed out of bed and went into Aunt Mickie’s room.  I did that sometimes.  She never caught me because she wasn’t usually around.  I had seen some strange things in there and I wanted to check them out again.  Aunt Mickie had just left, so I knew she wouldn’t be back for a while.

 

I crept slowly into her room, even though I knew she wasn’t home.  I went over to her bedside table and pulled open the drawer.  Yep, they were still there: the funny little cigarettes and the spices in the bag.  I sniffed the spices and made a yuck face.  I thought women only kept nice smelling spices in their drawers.

 

I put the little bag down and picked up one of the little cigarettes.  I never smoked.  I knew it was a bad habit and dangerous.  So I put it down again.  I kept looking through the drawer.  There were little balloon thingies that said ‘condom’ on them.  I wondered what they were for.

 

The phone rang.  I jumped.  I couldn’t understand why the phone would ring at this time of night.  I picked it up and said, “hello?”

 

It was Aunt Mickie’s boyfriend.  He sounded drunk.  He was screaming and saying all kinds of bad words.  Words that I would have my mouth washed out with soap for saying, if I still lived with Daddy.

 

I told him Aunt Mickie wasn’t home.  But he didn’t believe me.  He said he was coming over.  Next thing I knew he had hung up the phone.  I heard a dial tone.  I wanted to dial Daddy’s number.  I wanted him to come pick me up and take me home, take me away from this awful place.  But I couldn’t.  I didn’t have a Daddy no more.

 

The front door burst open; the lock was probably busted again.  Craig came tearing through the apartment shouting Aunt Mickie’s name.  I was scared.  I went into my room, grabbed Zam, and hid under some clothes in my closet.  I didn’t want him to find me there.

 

He kept screaming Mickie’s name and cursing, pushing things over and breaking things.  I was so scared.  I held onto Zam tightly, covered my head and tried to cry softly.  Craig had never touched me but I was afraid all of a sudden that he might hurt me.

 

I had heard awful stories from other kids at SCH, of having men touch them in their private places, of being beaten with a belt, and other bad stuff.  I hadn’t had a great life, but thankfully none of that had ever happened to me.  So far.  And I didn’t plan on it ever happening to me anytime soon.  I would fight Craig if I had to.

 

Suddenly there was a loud crash, some screaming, and then silence.  It sounded like Craig had fallen.  Maybe he hit his head.  I didn’t know what to do.  I slowly got up and peeked out of the closet.  Then I tiptoed across the room and peered out into the hallway.  Most of the lights were out, or smashed on the floor.

 

I turned and looked toward my aunt’s room.  What if I went in there and he grabbed me and tried to touch me?  I didn’t know what to do.  I heard some moaning.  Oh good; he was still alive.  For a few minutes, I had worried that Craig might have died.

 

I tiptoed to Aunt Mickie’s room and peeked inside.  Craig was lying on the floor; his head was all bloody.  I turned away.  I had never seen so much blood.  I looked back and he was trying to get up, but he couldn’t.

 

I ran in.  “CRAIG! Are you all right?” I asked, scared.

 

He turned his head and looked at me. When he saw me, he smiled.  “Lexie, call 9-1-1,” he whispered.

 

I looked at the phone.  Aunt Mickie never allowed me to call anyone.  I wasn’t allowed to even touch the phone.  Then I remembered I had touched it earlier when Craig had first called.  Aunt Mickie wasn’t home and Craig was hurt.  I had to help him.

 

I went over to the phone and looked at Craig again.  He was moaning and muttering.  His head looked terrible.  I picked up the phone and dialed, 9-1-1.  It was scary.

 

I told the operator what had happened.  I told her the address where we lived.  Then I followed her directions.  I sat and waited for the ambulance to come.  Craig had fallen asleep.  I wasn’t sure if that was a good sign.  I heard sirens.  Craig picked his head up.

 

Very quietly he whispered, “Hide the stash, Lexie.”

 

I didn’t know what he was talking about.  I looked around when he tried to point.  I realized he meant the spices and the little cigarettes.  I picked them up out of the drawer and put them in the pocket of my robe.  Craig smiled and closed his eyes again.

 

Just then, the door burst open.  The paramedics came in and took Craig out.  Aunt Mickie got home at that same time.  She was really drunk and when she saw the state of the apartment, she started screaming and crying and carrying on.

 

She pointed her finger at me and blamed me for everything.  The police asked me who I was, and who she was.  They didn’t want to leave me with her.  I was crying so hard.  I had tried to help Craig and it was turning into a really scary night.  I wanted to go home.  I wanted Daddy.

 

I took the spices and the cigarettes out of my robe and flung them at Aunt Mickie.  “HERE, TAKE YOUR STUPID SPICES.  I HATE YOU!”

 

I’m not sure exactly what happened next, but next thing I knew I was sitting in a police car.  The police had Aunt Mickie in another car and they said she was arrested.  They took me to the station and asked if there was anyone they could call for me.

 

I slowly explained my whole story.  I explained how I got to be in this dreadful apartment this night.  They gave me the phone and said, “Here, call your daddy.”

 

I couldn’t believe it.  They were letting me call Daddy.  I excitedly picked up the phone and dialed the number.  But he wasn’t home.  I got the answering machine.  I screamed and cried and put down the phone.  “Can I have another call?” I asked timidly.

 

“Of course, little lady, this isn’t TV and you’re not under arrest.”

 

I dialed Uncle Steve’s number.  It was 2:00 in the morning but I knew he wouldn’t care.  He always told me I could call anytime.

 

“Hello?” he said, out of breath.

 

I couldn’t talk.  I just started to cry.  I was so glad to hear his voice.  I hadn’t seen him in months but it was like I had just talked to him the day before.  I wished I was at his house playing piano that minute.

 

“Lexie? Is that you? LEXIE?” he said in a panic.  “What’s wrong, sweetie? Are you in trouble?”

 

I tried to tell him something, but I just couldn’t.  I was so tired.  And so sad.  I didn’t know what was happening to me.  I didn’t know what was happening with Aunt Mickie.  So much had happened; I didn’t know if life could ever be good again.  I wanted things to go back to the way they were before Aunt Mickie came.

 

I put down the phone and put my head down and just cried.  I guess a police officer picked it up and told Uncle Steve where I was, because the next time I picked my head up, there he was.

 

I couldn’t believe it.  Uncle Steve was standing in the doorway of this police station, not four feet from where I sat.  I looked up at the clock.  It was 4:00 in the morning.  I didn’t trust myself to stand.  I was just so tired.  I did put my arms out though.

 

It was the best feeling.  Uncle Steve came over and lifted me up, way high in the air.  He held me tight.  It was so tight, but I didn’t care.  I felt all the love that he had for me come right through his fingertips.  I had never thought I would even see him again.

 

He sat down and held me for a very long time.  The next thing I remembered from that awful day was waking up at Uncle Steve’s house.  I was still in the same pajamas.  I found a clock.  It said 2:30.  2:30 in the afternoon?

 

I walked out of Jenny’s room and down the hall, into the kitchen.  Uncle Steve sat at the table, reading the newspaper and drinking a cup of coffee.

 

“Hey there, sleepyhead.  I guess you finally caught up on your sleep, huh?”

 

“I guess so,” I answered sleepily.  I reached my arms up.  Uncle Steve pulled me onto his lap and held me tight.  I told him what my life had been like the past few months and he listened and asked questions.  It was so nice to be having a real conversation where someone actually heard me and listened to what I said.

 

I finally asked him the question that had been bugging me.  “Uncle Steve? Where’s my Daddy?” I choked out.

 

“He’s on his way home, Lexie.  He was in France when I called him this morning.”

 

“France?”

 

“Yes, on business.  He’s been traveling a lot since you’ve been gone.  The house is just too sad for him without you there.  But I think he’s going to stop traveling so much now.”

 

“Why?” I asked.  I still had no idea.

 

But I soon found out.  When Mrs. Sage got wind of what was really happening at Aunt Mickie’s house, she made it so that Daddy could adopt me after all.  When we both found that out, we were the happiest people in the world.

 

But nothing was better than when Uncle Steve took me to the airport to see Daddy off the plane.  I ran to him and he ran to me and when we met in the middle, he picked me up and swung me around and around and around.  Then he just held me tighter than ever.  I would never let him go.

 

I now knew that everything would be okay.  Daddy had to reassure me every day, though.  I had nightmares all the time.  Sometimes I dreamt that Craig was coming to get me, even though he had never ever hurt me.  Other times I dreamt that Aunt Mickie wanted me back.  I often woke up screaming and crying in the middle of the night.

 

Daddy would come running down the hall, scoop me out of bed and hold me tight.  He would rub my back and comfort me and let me know that everything was going to be all right.

 

I kept having the dreams. Daddy kept comforting me.  I dreamt that Daddy was going to leave me.  I dreamt that Aunt Mickie wanted me back.  I dreamt the most awful dreams.  Daddy kept trying to reassure me that nothing bad was going to happen and that we were going to live together forever.

 

The big day finally came.  I was so excited.  I was dressed up in a fancy new dress.  When I walked into the courtroom, holding Daddy’s hand, I was surprised to see Uncle Steve, Gabriella, Lissa, and Jenny, all standing there.  Uncle Steve picked me up and held me tight.  He said he wouldn’t have missed this day for the world.

 

This man in a uniform came in.  He was called a bailiff.  He gave me a teddy bear.  It was cute and I hugged it tight.  The judge that I had met before was sitting up high on the bench.  She told us to stand in front of her.  Then she asked if we still wanted to be Daddy and daughter.

 

I held Daddy’s hand tight and tried not to squeeze his finger off.  “Oh Yes!” I cried, holding onto Daddy tightly.  After Daddy said, “Yes, indeed,” the judge smiled.

 

She held up a piece of paper and picked up a pen.  “Well then,” she began, “ I now enter into the minutes that Alexis Rose is now officially and legally the daughter of Samuel Rifler.  Mr. Sam Rifler now affirms he takes on all obligations pursuant to Alexis’ health and well-being, and shall treat her as his daughter, now and forever.”

 

The judge said a whole bunch of other stuff, but I didn’t hear it because I kind of stopped listening as soon as she said I was really Daddy’s daughter.  I looked up when she said, “Congratulations!”

 

Uncle Steve told us to smile and the next thing I knew, cameras were flashing at us.  Daddy was laughing and he picked me up.  Then Daddy was crying and I realized I was, too.  I can’t explain the emotions I felt.  I was so happy; I never imagined this day would ever really come.

 

“Why are you crying, Daddy?”

 

“Because, baby, I am just so happy.  No more nightmares, okay, young lady?”

 

As I nodded, Daddy pulled from his pocket a large tube of super glue.  We were stuck together, forever and ever!

 

The end.