Thursday, November 25, 2oo4

"I am always alone, always; even if I need someone to cry to, I am here just by myself..."

If life is fair, then why am I always forced to do things I don't want to do? Why do I get faces back when I am sad or mad but I cannot do anything about someone else giving me an attitude? Why must it be, that whenever I'm in the worse I can be and really need help, there's got to be words from some of my closest family members that put me down. It hurts, it hurts so much it stings into the heart. I ran out of the room, and went into the restroom, I dropped to the ground and I started crying. I can't even cry; I can't even cry all I want to make myself feel better. I don't want to be weak, I am not going to be weak in front of people who give no damn about me, I forced myself to stop crying. I washed my face and walked out of the restroom, then continued to do calculus without 1 word to anybody. As much as I need help, and need comfort, I do not care. I didn't want to ask these so called 'helpers' of mines anymore. I am sick of it. I feel useless, and helpless. Calculus has gotten so deep into me I'd never feel as stupid as I did in my whole entire life. I need someone to be there, but who was there? Everytime I need someone, there's no one. If someone is here, who'd really put their heart out to listen to you talk and understand you? I realized I have no one by myself, and I am always all alone. I was really happy yesterday, really was. Today, I am very depressed, I can just sit here and I tried to control my tears from flowing but it won't stop. I cried 2 times this morning rewatching a movie at parts I didn't cry I watched the first time. I cried again at night at my grandma's house in the restroo. My heart feels sour, I can't feel any sweetness or things inside me. I am emptied, there's nothing that can make me happy.

Thanks Jonathan, for calling me and seeing what's up while I write this entry. I know I sound a little rude on the phone for the 3 mins, but I really don't know what to say to you. I have nothing to talk about, and I don't want to talk about my problem. Thanks cousin, thanks for caring... sorry for forcing you to hang up. I wanted you to stay and talk to me, maybe after a long talk I'd feel better, but somehow I have nothing to say, I actually have nothing to say. I wanted silence on the phone, but then you can't give it to me. I kicked you off the phone like I didn't want you there, and now I am back to being myself again. Thanks cf jie and luan, for IMing me... I know you care but then, you can't do anything about it.

Why is life so unfair? If life is fair, why is it during moments when I feel totally useless and depressed, my little sister had to yell at me for some japanese thing I misunderstood and she had to make me feel like a total idiot again. I know I am not as good as her ok, can she just keep it inside and not say a thing seeing me so sad? No, she had to rub it in and made me feel totally useless again. As I sit here, I wonder how many people actually care. During time like this, I need you. Where are you? You're not here, and all I can do, is listen to this song over and over again... thinking of the past memories we once shared. Memories- living in memories will be something I want to do, because memories remind me of you, and of the sweet moments we shared together once. I want you back deep down inside, but it's too late because you're gone. Talking to you everyday for that short amount of time were moments that I treasured, and truly laughed out loud without any fakeness. You made me smile for who I am...

Posted by Jenni at 11:25 pm |

Thursday, November 25, 2oo4

"If love allows me to find you, then let love bring me to you..."

If love is eternal, then let my thoughts of you circle my life forever. If everything is my imagination, then let me live in a world of delusions. If the only way to feel you is through the wind, then let the sun never come out. If the only chance to see you is in my dreams, then let me never wake up. If only... if...

I can't stop thinking of you, I can't stop. I can't stop crying for you in my heart, I can't stop. I can't forget you, I simply can't. People always asked me 'why do you keep listening to this song? You repeat it day and night for like almost 1 year now, and you're still not bored?' ... how can I be bored of it, when the only way to feel you is through this song, the only way to express my feelings is through this song. How can I stop playing it, if every single word reminds me of our memories, reminds me of you, reminds me of how we used to be... when someday I can stop playing this song, then it's the day I can throw you out of my heart. I tried, I did. I cried, I laughed, I smiled, I frowned, I tried to study, I tried to go out and have fun, but everything... everything I do I think of you. If love allows me to find you, why won't it allow me to keep you? If it brought me to you, then why did it take you away from me? I don't understand- I really don't. I am tired of acting ok, I am tired of being fine when I am not, and I am tired of giving people an attitude because I frown inside my heart. I am not ok. I don't want to be ok... because if I am ok that means you're gone from my heart. I don't want to forget you... even if it hurts, I don't. Even if it tortures me everyday to know you probably forgot me, hate me, don't care about me anymore, I still don't want to forget you. Although you probably let go of every bits and piece of memory we shared together, I am still holding on... I'll hold onto it forever, until someday you no longer matter to me. I'll keep this feeling buried within me, until someday it'll finally disappear. Although knowing that remembering you only means tear and heartaches, I don't want to forget. I want to remember someone that made me cry, made me laugh, made me smile, made me lose my soul, made me wait by the phone almost everyday, made my heart jump whenever I hear your voice, made me worry, made my life miserable, made my day seem to never end whenever I don't talk to you; I want to remember you, remember that I really do love you. Even though it hurts to know we won't have a future, at least right now, I am happy living in the memories you created for me, because I love you...

Posted by Jenni at 11:01 pm |

Saturday, October 30, 2oo4

"I have everything, yet everything but you. I cannot stop thinking about you, I cannot stop..."

I don't know why life is so depressing sometimes. I find it to be very awesome, and amazing how there's so much worth treasuring around you, so much to be happy over, so much to enjoy and yet we all don't do it. We mourn over sad things, I guess that's life. I don't know why, I am so troubled and feeling so down. Why is it that no one realize though? I've never felt so sad, disappointed, and just... depressing in my life before. Maybe the day you're gone and left me alone, and the day I felt that I have no one but myself to cry to, I can never return to be who I am before. I tried my best to act like it's ok, nothing is going to happen, I am living my life as I am before but really- it's hard.

So what da heck is it that's gotten into me? I am like this carefree person before; I have everything, or close to everything I need and want to be a successful girl. What the heck is going on? I guess that everyone have ups and downs, and things that hit them really big. After they've gone through the incident, they'll change in 1 way or another. I just know for a fact that it'll take time for me to become that carefree and happy person. I always imagine what it is within me that's making me feel so depressed, I got everything in the world right? Yes everything in the world... everything...

... yet everything but you.

I tried really hard, I really did. I tried everything I can, but it's not working. I cannot forget you. Everything I do- everything, and I mean EVERYTHING somehow my brain revolves around you. Why does it have to be you? Why... why does it have to be you. Everytime the CD runs through this song I think about you, everytime I walk to the mall we once walked through together I think about you, everytime I remember how we once had such strong feelings for each other I long for your embrace. I want you to caress me, to love me, to be by my side through everything but why are you not there? I really regret pushing you away, but there's no way I can keep you. I know it's not going to work, I'd rathered let a thousand tears drop than a million so I chose to give you up before I fall too deep into it... but it's no use because I'm crying more and more everyday. The tears I let drop out of my eyes are more than I've ever let it fall for anything else. I am in love with you, I want you, I need you. Where are you? You'll never know how much I love you, because you'll never know why I pushed you away.

Every night before I go to sleep, every morning before I go to school, every moment inside my class I daydream about you. I tried to focus, and it worked for awhile, then as I am writing notes in class my brain drifts off to you. I cannot concentrate, the thought of you taking the same classes as me in another school- possibly in the same class with me at the same time really got into me. I want to see you, I really do. I've shed so many tears for you, you do not know. Everytime I cry, I cried harder knowing that you'll never be here for me, never knowing how much I miss you. Everytime I laugh, there's a frown within my heart knowing that you'll never know how much I want to share my happiness with you. My heart is broken, it aches, because I can never have you. Whenever I am alone, I want you... I think of you... I dream for your touch... I miss you... I do... and you have no clue. I am saying it a million times to myself and the world but you'll never be able to hear me say it, never be able to find out that I love you. I am depressed because of you, I am crying for you, and I am never going to be the me I once was, because of you...

Posted by Jenni at 11:12 pm |

Sunday, October 24, 2oo4

"Why am I the only one that's always by myself with no one to care about me, why..."

I just realized that you don't always receive when you give... or in other words, you get nothing back in return. I mean... nothing at all. There are multiple times when I feel this way, and never thought of it to be a big deal or anything. You know, I really don't mind giving, helping, and always being there for people when they need me, or just simply need someone to do something for them. I really don't mind. But on the other hand, why is it so hard to find someone willing to be there for me, to help me, encourage me, stick with me throught my thick and thins, or simply just to listen to me say things? Life is so bullshyt sometimes, I don't know why.

What are friends? So I asked myself, what are friends for? I mean, when I need one here none are here. Whenever they need me, I make myself available whenever possible. I always try my best to help people in anyway I can, and I don't expect for any payback. BUT WHY whenever I NEED something, NO ONE is there for ME? All I want is 1 person, 1 person to be there for me, yet there's no one. You know, I always thought that the only price I pay to be moving ahead in school, and doing alot more than everyone else is doing... is sacrificing many more of the fun things I coulda earned through the best years of my life- through the best moments of high school. While other people are out there having fun, catching up with the latest movies, going out... what am I doing? I sit home and do my homework, study, chores... and etc etc.. why am I doing all of this? I want to make everyone around me happy, I don't want to disappoint any of my parents or anything. But now I realized that, that ISN'T the only price I pay. I learned as if last night, that the biggest thing I can't accept isn't because I failed a test, or got a B+ in a class or something... it's feeling so helpless and lonely. There's NO ONE there. I mean- no one there for me. I am always alone, by myself... doing things with no one to help me, to comfort me, or to give me a hug when I need one. I always thought that I am a very independent person because that's the way it's been since I was young- I had no one, and nothing. But as if last night, I realized I am not an independent person. I am just a average teenage girl too- I too, want love, want care, want attention, want comfort. Why am I not getting it? Did you know how much it hurts, to be sitting at home alone in the night, raining outside, dark... when everyone is sleeping and I am sittng here crying like a freak, with no one to even realize I am crying? I mean, I am sitting here talking to 3 people online, and it's obviously I am not ok- I actually showed it... yet no one realize it. Why must my life be only me, and me by myself to share my laughters, and my tears?

I get so jealous, I mean jealous. I am very jealous of people telling me "oh I got this and that... I got my dad to help me, my mom to teach me, a tutor to do things, my sis my bro my blah blah blah" OK BULLSHYT. Where is my mom and dad and sis and bro and blah blah and tutor? Why am I the ONLY ONE that pays such a price to be going through everything in school myself with no help, when I move ahead? Why does everyone else not pay such a price to be by theirselves? I am doing all this because I want to tell myself I can do it- I will pass, I can do all of this but in reality- I am tired. I really am. I AM NOT A DAMN GOD, nor am I a damn genius ok? I CAN'T ALWAYS be perfect, so DON'T EXPECT ME TO. Why does it seem like the world is gonna collaspe on me when I fail 1 thing, and why is it that I ALWAYS have to be at the highest for everyone around me? WHY AM I the center of all my inferiors? Is it JUST BECAUSE I am a little above my elders, because I get grades everyone dreams of in my family? Well, I am telling u- understand the DAMN FACT it gets harder- and I CAN'T ALWAYS be perfect! I cannot devote my life 24/7 to school, and I AM NOT going to.

I've never teared up so much for such thing. I never thought it was a big deal until last night, I realized that it is a big deal. I do need care, and attention, and I do want comfort and to feel loved. I am just a normal girl right? So why can't I get what a normal girl deserves? Help when I need it, attention and love when I want it, and comfort when I am sad? Why is it always that- no one is there. It's always 90% of them don't understand no shyt I am doing in class or what I am talking about because I think too much, 9% of the people "I forgot or I am not interested in it" and that 1% that's there and I thought would always be- is somewhere else not available or too busy for me. Why must it always be this way... why...

Posted by Jenni at 12:37 am |