Usually a friend attempts to engage in a conversation with you that will go somewhere but he does not. And should I waste my time and energy thinking about it anymore? I think not. Plus the major factor that I am now gone and no contact will be made for three months. But despite the fact that I am angry at myself for liking this guy and for thinking he may possibly be interested in me, I do not wish I had never met him. I mean, maybe deep down, he�s a good guy.. Men piss me off.. why are you all so stupid sometimes? ..But anyway, back to smile guy, I�m glad I met him and I hope he at least feels glad he
met me and heh you never know, we may be friends in the future and actually have a real conversation .. Did I mention my absolute naivety? .. ahh, the things that love and relationships, sex and attraction, make us do... what a world we live in.. what are we torturing ourselves for?... of course.. for that absolute amazing and sappy feeling of love, that feeling of total acceptance and awe that someone feels for you, seeing that this person sees you as amazing and gorgeous and beautiful, in every way, inside and out..
Knowing someone else dreams about you and wishes that they were holding you right then. The feeling of being sexually desired at all times.. Who doesn�t want to spend eternity feeling this way? .. My smile guy rant has gone off to a rant about love so I will return.. I don�t think I will write anymore about smile guy himself, because I believe that segment of my life is over and will not be ventured back to (but then again, you know me)... So I leave this page as is and hope that my thoughts were clear and I don�t sound like a compulsive, obsessive maniac because I�m really not. You just hear my thoughts, while others only think them.. new segment..
Anyhow I have to state how I don't have a crush on this guy.. I mean we're not in high school anymore.. it's not like I drive by his house or prank call him and hang up when i hear his voice. Let's just say I like talking to him and hearing his voice... Of course I find him attractive as well and would love to sleep with him but more than that I want to talk to him.. No I'm not in love with him.. I don't know him well enough and he doesn't know me well enough.. But I feel like if I don't get up the nerve to suggest we hang out sometime.. I'm going to let the opportunity pass me by and lose out on what could be a really good friend..
But my problem is of course my own insecurity and the fact that he does have a girlfriend.. And I know you're thinking " ok here we go, not again ". Once again, Kelly has become attracted to a guy that is taken.. It's really not my fault.. we tracked it down to psychology and it's my parents fault.. So we'll blame my unconscious attractions on them.. Anyways i truly do just want to talk to him but I get this stupid feeling that people are gossiping about it... hmm i don't know why...And why should that stop me anyways... it's not like I'm doing anything wrong by having conversations with him...
Why do I find it so hard to speak what I'm thinking? When I first met this guy I thought to myself, "wow he is so easy to talk to and he's the first guy in a long time that I could see myself in a relationship with" and then BAM, i'm told he has a girlfriend and he even cheats on her sometimes.. Wow.. you think you can get a good impression of someone and then it all falls apart.. What's worse is that this hasn't really changed my feelings toward him...
I really don't know why I continue to torture myself because I think deep down I'm generally a good person.. but I'm kinda tired of doing the chasing.. For once, I'd like to be chased and by someone who I'm actually attracted to.. Is that too much to ask? Launa says that no one is perfect and you will never find a person that is never going to not hurt you in some way.. and she's probably right but I can still dream.. Though I do get tired of dreaming and wish things would fall together for me.. I think after lessons learned, I've earned it and I do deserve it.. Maybe I should just take action and take a risk.. I think I will... I'll keep you posted.. I have taken a large risk before and although it ended a while ago, I believe it was fun while it lasted... and believe me I learned so much from it... i learned to be me
I also had to add that he is an individual and it always seems like he just doesn't care what others think and I'm lovin that.. He is his own person and has a confidence about him but not a cockiness, well at least that I see..