NOTES: Hello! I’m a very new fan of Saiyuki! I just finished watching the series and movie three days ago. Saiyuki is one of the best anime’s I’ve seen so far…falls alongside Kenshin, WeiB, and GundumWing. I LOVE IT! Btw…can anyone tell me about the OAV? I know that there is one, but I don’t know where to go to get it…heck I don’t even know what its about. Anyone wanna drop me a line and tell me something? PLEASE!!!
Ok. Enough with that rambling.
Goku is my favorite. I love that monkey. So of course, my first Saiyuki fic will be about him…or to be precise, him and Sanzou (I mean, you can’t have a fic about Goku without having Sanzou having some main role in it…or Konzen).
Ok. This fic takes place before Hakkai and Gojyo get in the picture. I’m not sure how long Goku had been with Sanzou before his mission to apprehend Hakkai. Goku in prison looks a little younger than Goku accompanying Sanzou on mission to capture killer Hakkai. So, Goku’s going to be acting a little younger and more vulnerable than in the 3 year flashback. It starts the very day Sanzou freed Goku…and their journey to Sanzou’s monestary. I heard that Goku never aged, and he was imprisoned when he was 9. So, Goku is 9.
A very very innocent 9.
WARNING: Violence, blood, cursing monk, crazy monkey, and a lethal fan.
SIMPLE VOCAB:
Baka=idiot
Saru=monkey/ape
Kono Baka Saru=(I think) dumbass ape
Itai=ouch
Urusai=shut up
Read!!!!!

---

Unable to Win by Sarlinia
Part 1

The sun was setting over the mountains. Sanzou stared at the glorious sight as the descending sun cast the world in a blood red glow. He sat of a flat boulder, smoking a cigarette contently; his eyes dropped low, a slight frown knotting his golden brows. There was a soft cool breeze that ruffled his hair slightly, and rustled his clothes, causing the sutra on his shoulders to brush against his cheek irritably. With an irritated snort he brushed his hand over the sutra and dared it to move again. So again he sat unmoving, except to lift the cigarette to his lips and to blow smoke out of his lungs.

He watching the sunset over the world and mountains...he was also watching the creature he had just freed.

It was a young boy…between no older than 9, but his body was small, and his eyes were huge and totally innocent that it made him look much…much younger. The boy was perched next to him, crouching on his bare feet with one arm on one knee, and the other annoyingly clutching the sleeve to his monk’s garb. The boy’s long shaggy brown hair ruffled slightly in the wind, and crouching like he was, with his hair moving against his back, Sanzou had the image of some sort of monkey or ape king that was gazing over it’s territory…or just simply gazing at the sunset.

Then, there was the diadem that was perched on the boy’s head, the only thing keeping that unmanageable hair from falling into the boy’s eyes. It was a Youki limiter, a thing that held within it the true form and true power that this young innocent looking boy possessed. Sanzou knew beyond a doubt that the diadem was no ordinary Youki limiter. It emitted a large amount of holy power, as if the Gods themselves had placed it on the boy’s head. The boy was a Youkai…and a powerful one at that. One that had been imprisoned and one that Sanzou had freed. The boy had been imprisoned there for a reason, but he was damned if he had to listen to that annoying voice calling him for another second. And anyway, whatever he had done, it was beyond a doubt that the boy had paid the price. The wards that had kept him within the rock prison had been centuries old. Nothing had left that prison for at least 500 years…which included the boy.

Yes, the boy had paid the price, and now it was time for him to be free…whatever the crime was.

The boy was dirty, desperately needing a bath. That of course included the grubby sharp nailed hand that was holding his clean sleeve. When Sanzou had helped the boy out of the prison, the boy had looked frightened and had immediately latched onto his sleeve. Sanzou had snarled and had tried to yank his sleeve away from those dirty-clawed hands, but the boy had once again given him that spaced out look, and Sanzou couldn’t win. He reluctantly let the boy clutch the sleeve, of course with a warning that he’d shoot him between the eyes if he dared rip his sleeve with those animal claws of his. But then the boy’s eyes had turned huge, almost covering his whole face with that golden gaze of his, and Sanzou silently regretted the threat. So, in a less harsh voice he told the boy just to be careful with the sleeve.

So far, the boy had been careful.

Sanzou looked down at the boy when he felt a slight tug on his sleeve. The boy was smiling, and look that suited the boy.

“What?” Asked Sanzou gruffly, amazed at how big that smile was.

The boy let go of the sleeve then answered, “I…I thought you were the sun.”

Sanzou blinked, not sure if he had heard correctly.

The boy continued, “But the sun is over there, and you are over here, so you can’t be the sun, right?”

Sanzou glared, “Why would you think such a stupid thing?”

The boy looked away, seeming uncomfortable as he said softly, “Cause you were shining when you came. You’re hair was very, very shiny…like the sun.” He then frowned, almost looking hateful if it was possible. His voice was low and serious when he finally spoke, sounding far too old. “I never look for the sun, I always look away. But then you came and for a moment I thought the sun was coming to me. I just couldn’t look away.” He looked up at Sanzou. “See?”

Sanzou could not see. He had no clue what the insane creature was talking about. But…he sensed that the boy was telling him something important, at least to the creature’s mind. So even though Sanzou did not understand he looked away, and said “Baka.”

But the boy grinned again, and asked excitedly, “So if you’re not the sun, who are you?”

He looked at the boy again, taking in those large golden eyes, wondering how in the world could the boy look so innocent after being imprisoned for so long. There was no hatred, no malice, just plain curiosity and wonder.

“What did you do?”

It was the boy’s turn to blink this time. “Huh?”

Sanzou growled, “Why were you imprisoned like that. You do realize that you were in there for a long time.” He was not about to be questioned first by the boy. He was calling the shots here, not the monkey.

The boy shrank back, and let himself drop onto his bottom. The smile was gone, eradicated by Sanzou’s question, but Sanzou was not letting this boy get away from his question with a smile.

“I…I don’t remember.” Came the small answer.

Sanzou’s gaze became dangerous, “Lie to me again and I swear I’ll put you back in where I found you!” He snarled.

He expected the boy to cower and cringe like he had done before, but this time the boy frowned fiercely and said angrily, “I am not lying!”

How dare the little disgusting animal talk back toward him? Sanzou was contemplating reaching for his gun, but was again caught up in those golden eyes. They were angry and aimed solely at him. Sanzou growled angrily, “How the Hell can you not remember?”

The boy shrugged half-heartedly. “I don’t remember anything before the prison. I know I must have done something really, really bad. I…I thought you would be able to tell me…but I guess I was wrong.”

There was then the look of total anguish and sorrow, and Sanzou hissed, “Get that dumb expression off your face before I shoot it off.”

The boy looked at him again. Big eyes filled with innocence.

It was very difficult, but Sanzou managed to take a deep breath to calm his rankled nerves. How could this ridiculous child calm down his normal murderous tendencies. Child or not, imprisoned or not, the boy was missing something up in that brain of his, and Sanzou had the urge to beat it back into existence…yet why this concern over this little nobody? What had possessed him to demand answers? What had he been thinking when he had told the boy that he would take him along? Why did he care?

Why was it he couldn’t win when coming face to face with those stupid large eyes?

“Hey! I do remember something!”

Sanzou looked at the boy who was grinning happily. “I have a name! I remember my name!”

“Then just say it or else we’ll be here till morning!” Snapped Sanzou.

“Right. It’s Goku. Son Goku!”

Then Sanzou understood something that he had not realized before. He had always been able to tell when people hid things. He knew the darkness that they held within their in their hearts. There were always secrets to be kept. There was always sin and guilt in their eyes. Even children sometimes were the same; unless they were so young that they were not aware of themselves.

Goku’s eyes were his soul. They hid nothing. Goku was telling the truth. He did not remember anything, he had nothing to hide.

And in a way, Sanzou pitied him. He could not imagine what it must have been like, to live centuries in a rock prison for a crime that he could not remember. How Goku remained sane was beyond him.

Sanzou stood, finding to his surprise a smirk twisting his lips. The boy…Goku leapt up as well, a wary nervous look on his features, his had reaching for the security of his sleeve. Sanzou ignored that, looking at the bloody sunset as he said, “Genjo Sanzou.”

“Huh? Sanzou? Is that your name? Really?”

Sanzou gave the boy an annoyed look. “What do you think?”

The boy’s features became thoughtful, then once again, that impossibly huge grin spread on his face as he chirped, “I think I like it!”

“I didn’t mean…” Sanzou stopped himself then said calmly, “I was being sarcastic, saru.”

“Sarcastic? Ne, Sanzou, what’s that? Is it something that I can eat?” Then the boy’s face went blank for a moment before he glared. “Hey, I’m not a monkey!”

For a good minute Sanzou was struck dumb, staring down at Goku. Then he snapped, “After hearing that, it just proves you are a baka saru!” Determined to ignore the fact that the boy was still clutching his sleeve.

“Sanzou! Sanzou! I am not a monkey! Sanzou!”

“…” Genjo Sanzou was not going to bring himself down to the level of the animal by responding to the said animal.

“Sanzou…why’d you call me a monkey when I’m not a monkey? C’mon Sanzou tell me! Tell me! Tell me!”

“URUSAI!!!!!!”

Sanzou rounded on the boy, his hands itching to grab the boy around the neck to wring the breath out of those annoyingly loud lungs. The boy looked up at him, eyes wide with shock. “Sheesh. You don’t need to yell, Sanzou.”

Sanzou shut his mouth, and turned away, yanking his sleeve back and striding stiffly away. He heard the boy’s bare feet slapping against ground. He ignored him completely; walking in silence as the sky above them turned from the blood red of the sunset to the darkening black of the night. The stars started showing their faces and the moon was full as it shone brightly down on the two.

It was when Sanzou heard a low grumbling growl did Sanzou whirl around, holding his exorcism gun aimed right at Goku’s head. The boy’s golden eyes went to a new level of large as he stared into the barrel of the gun.

“What the Hell do you think you are doing?” Hissed Sanzou. How dare that stupid brat growl at him? He was going to going teach the little ingrate a lesson that that empty head of his would never forget. One that even if he were imprisoned again for another 500 years, he would still remember. He was going to…

The monkey had just snatched the gun out of his hand.

“Wow! Cool!” The boy gushed over the weapon like it was a shiny new toy. “This looks so cool! Ne, Sanzou, what is it? It’s pretty!”

“BAKA SARU!!!”

“Itaiiiii!!!!!!”

Sanzou had no clue when he had reached for his white fan; all he knew was that he just had to smack him. He just had to batter some sense into that empty head. It had to be a crime somewhere not to allow total idiot to be beaten. And before he knew it, he had whacked the boy upside the head, standing over the boy who was crouched, clutching his aching head, still holding onto the gun. Sanzou took a deep breath and snatched his gun back.

Goku looked up at Sanzou from where he crouched, his golden eyes hurt as he asked, “Wha…what’d you do that for?”

Sanzou hmphed and said gruffly, “Don’t touch things that you don’t know what they are, saru. You can end up getting hurt. And when I say ‘hurt’, it does not include being hit by a fan.”

“Really?” Those eyes were too large…to trusting.

Sanzou rolled his eyes and knelt down eye level with the boy. He cocked the gun to the side and said, “Look Goku. This is an exorcism gun, it is a weapon that kills.”

Goku scrutinized the harmless looking weapon.

“By pulling this trigger you could have blown your brains out…or whatever is in that head of yours.”

“But Sanzou…why did you point it at me?” Asked the boy.

Sanzou found himself tongue tied for a moment, almost having forgotten why, then once again came that low growling noise. Sanzou could only gape in shock as Goku blushed slightly and rubbed his stomach.

“Sanzou…”

“What?”

“I’m hungry.”

He, Genjo Sanzou, had lost his mind.

***

“Sanzou! Look at all the houses and the people! Look! Sanzou!”

He was going to go crazy. His head was about to implode and explode at the same time. His eyes were about to pop out of his head. His teeth felt like they were about to shatter from grinding them together. His jaw felt dislocated from clenching it. His ears were ringing so loud that he could barely hear the stupid monkey’s stupid voice. He wouldn’t have been surprised if his hair had turned white with stress. Hell, he wouldn’t have been surprised is he had lost a good decade or two from his life.

He, Genjo Sanzou, had made the biggest, fattest, most disgusting and inexcusable mistake in his life.

He had freed the monkey.

“U-r-u-s-a-i!!!!!!”

“Ow!! Sanzou that hurts! Sanzou! SANZOU!!!!!”

Sanzou grabbed the boy by the scruff of his neck and pulled him close, saying in the most menacing voice that could make the biggest of Youkai tremble, “Do you want to die?”

“N…no.”

“Then, if you want to preserve your miserable existence in this world, keep that trap of yours shut. I don’t want to hear it for the rest of the night!”

“Y…Yes, Sanzou.”

With a nasty snarl he let the boy go and started walking again, doing his best to pointedly ignore the stares he was receiving from the people of the town they had entered. Why in the world had he come with the monkey was beyond him. How could he have thought that the monkey could act like a normal human being was again, beyond him.

Wait a minute…scratch that.

The boy was in no way human.

But Hell, even the dumbest, most Neanderthal of Youkai sometimes acted decently and could avoid getting the attention of some odd thousand strangers. But no. Not Goku. Not the imbecile monkey who was at the moment crouched in a mud puddle staring in awe at a dirty little kitten. The same Goku who was now running toward him again, muddy hand reaching for his sleeve.

Hell.

No.

Sanzou brandished his fan, holding it menacingly under the boy’s dirty little nose, freezing the monkey on his dirty tracks. “Touch me and you die.”

Wide golden eyes blinked up at him.

“And wipe that stupid look off your face!” Barked the short-tempered monk. Again he started walking, knowing that the boy was following him like a dog. Sanzou looked over his shoulder at the boy and mentally shook his head. No. Not a dog. The boy was 100% monkey.

It was quite easy to find the inn he had stayed in before he had gone off foolishly up the mountains. It was small, but it was clean and the food tasted good. Nasty food was unforgivable in Sanzou’s eyes. Only an idiot would run an inn and serve food when unable to cook. Unfortunately, the world was filled with fools.

There was a fool following him with wide golden eyes.

And he was a fool to let the boy follow him.

He was greeted graciously with the normal annoying, “Sanzou-sama.” How he loathed that title. He was no man’s master. Yet whenever he protested it fell on deaf ears. Ironic how the people would claim to obey every order that came from him, yet when asked to delete the ‘sama’ part of his name, it was overlooked.

“Sanzou-sama!” Said the aging innkeeper, his face plastered with a huge smile. He really didn’t respect Sanzou all that much…he just respected that little golden card that Sanzou carried within the folds of his robes. But the man was honest, Sanzou had to give him that.

“I need two rooms…and use of a bath.” Goku came to stand at his side, his hand reaching for the security of his sleeve but stopping before Sanzou could pull out his fan.

The innkeeper gave Goku a look and wrinkled his nose…after all he did run a clean establishment. “I see.” Said the older man. “Unfortunately, Sanzou-sama, there is only one room vacant.” The man’s smile became shaky at Sanzou’s glare. “I…I can put a mat for you’re young companion.”

Sanzou really…really considered having the boy sleep outside, but finally nodded his head. There was heartless and there was cruel. Sanzou was a heartless bastard, but he was not cruel.

The innkeeper ran off to get things prepared leaving Sanzou with Goku alone in the main room. The boy’s eyes were darting everywhere; drinking in the sights…or whatever there was to look at. At least the monkey was quiet…

“Sanzou!”

Sanzou grit his teeth, and saw the boy with his nose up in the air and his eyes closed in sheer bliss.

What the…

“Sanzou! What’s that smell? It’s soooo good!”

Sanzou blinked at the monkey then sniffed the air himself. “What? The food?”

The boy opened his eyes and looked at him, the golden orbs filled with amazement. “I’ve never smelled anything so good! Sanzou, I want some!”

Sanzou glared, “Want what?”

“I’m so hungry I could die right here! I want some food, Sanzou. Can I have some food?” The boy’s stomach growled as if agreeing with the boy’s nonsense.

“Hmph. After you’re clean, saru. Now shut up.”

“Really? You’re really gonna give me something to eat?”

At that moment, only Sanzou existed in those eyes. It was as if the promise of food after the bath was the most important thing in Goku’s world. For a moment, Sanzou feared he had made the boy believe that he was his God, and would become another Sanzou-sama worshiper. He really, really did not need another fan. The thought of Goku calling him ‘Sanzou-sama’ was enough for Sanzou to shoot the boy where he stood and end his miserable life.

Sanzou cautiously nodded his head and watched the boy’s face suddenly become shocked then a look of disbelief. His voice and eyes were impossibly serious as he said, “Really?”

Did the boy really think that he’d deny the probably starving boy some nourishment? Sanzou knew beyond a doubt that the boy had not been fed while he was imprisoned. And if the boy had been imprisoned for as long as Sanzou suspected, it was a miracle that the boy had not starved death, Youkai or not.

“I might change my mind if you don’t shut up.” Sanzou said gruffly, without any of his usual wrath in it.

At that moment the innkeeper returned. “Sanzou-sama, the bath and room are ready.” He handed a key with a number tag on it to Sanzou. “I’ll escort your…ahem…companion to the bath.”

“Who said he’s my companion.” Muttered Sanzou angrily, not liking the association one bit. He then looked down at the boy, who had shrunken away from the innkeeper, slightly huddled behind him.

What in the world…?!

“Saru, go with the innkeeper and clean yourself up.” He ordered.

Goku looked away and shook his head.

What the Hell…?!

“Little piece of shit!” He hissed as he stepped away from Goku so he could face him properly. “Get you’re dirty ass in the bath, before I shoot you.”

“Iya!” Shouted the boy suddenly, his hands clenched into fists still not looking at him.

Sanzou was really…really about to kill the monkey right there…or to be precise about to kick the boy on the ass out the inn door. But then his keen ears caught the soft sob, his eyes taking in the trembling form and the obscured face. Up until now the boy had obeyed (in a way) all of Sanzou’s orders. It wasn’t the bath that Goku was objecting, for Sanzou had already mentioned it and the boy had no minded at all. What had gotten into the monkey? His anger waned slightly as he watched the small shaking figure, curiosity at the reason why the boy was being disobedient.

His voice was sharp and authoritative when he snapped at the boy, “Look at me when you speak to me! I will not listen to a word you tell me if you’re not facing me like a man.”

What had possessed him to say that way beyond him. All he knew was that he couldn’t stand the boy not facing him. It was over his dead body that he had saving a weakling crybaby. He was not about to let the boy go around not looking at people in the face because they intimidated him. He would remedy it. If the boy wanted to say something, he had to look up and just say it instead of cowering and averting his eyes in shame.

Goku obeyed, slowly lifting his head up and looking up at Sanzou. Sanzou found himself looking into tear-filled golden eyes…and was baffled. What was the boy crying about?! What the freaking Hell was the stupid monkey crying about???!!!!

Sanzou growled, “You’re filthy. Go take a bath.”

Sanzou saw that Goku was fighting the impulse to look away, the tears slipping down his small dirty cheeks to make trails in their wake. When the boy finally spoke it was shaky and shuddery. “I…I…San…I don…don’t wa….wanna.”

It was the tears that stopped Sanzou from kicking the boy out right then and there. Those stupid tears. Sanzou couldn’t win against those tears. Fortunately, Goku’s tears bought him enough time to add softly and pitifully so that Sanzou nearly missed it, “I…I don’t want you to go…you’ll disappear and I’ll be…I’ll be alone again.”

Sanzou rolled his eyes, feeling an immense headache coming on. “Why would you think that, baka saru?” This he had to hear.

“You’re going to walk away…and even if I call you…and call you….you won’t answer me. You’ll walk away and not look at me….and forget and go away. You’ll go away and I’ll be alone again…and…and…I don’t want you to leave me alone!” The boy looked away and clutched his head and shut his eyes, as if he too was suffering from a headache.

Idiocy must have been contagious, for Sanzou had understood the monkey’s babble. He understood what Goku was trying to tell him. Sanzou sighed and said gently, “Saru, go wash. I’m going to sit here and wait for you.”

“Really?” There was a little frightened doubt in the boy’s voice. “You’re not going to leave me?”

“I’m not going anywhere, kono baka saru. I might if you just stand there with that idiot look on you’re face. I’m hungry and tired and would like to move on.”

The tears dried and the sparkle returned to Goku’s eyes as he said excitedly, “Don’t worry Sanzou, I’ll hurry!”

Relieved that that was settled, Sanzou looked at the innkeeper and asked, “You did put some new clothes for the saru right?”

The man rubbed his hands together and nodded, “Oh yes. I had already guessed that Your Greatness wouldn’t let the boy accompany you looking like a hooligan. Of course I’ll need to be compensated…”

“You’ll get your pay” Muttered Sanzou and silently added, greedy old goat.

So with that, Sanzou sent Goku to take his first bath in 500 years while he sat at a vacant table to assure the monkey that he wasn’t going to disappear and leave him alone.

He, Genjo Sanzou, had truly lost his mind.

***

Genjo Sanzou had always prided himself in being able to keep a reign of his facial features. It was rarely that he found himself surprised. It was even rarer that his surprise showed on his face. He wore a cold mask of indifference and disdain. No one could penetrate his mask, and he never let it fall.

Yet, his mouth hung open in shock as he watched in disbelieving horror as Goku ate the innkeeper out of his home.

“THERE IS NO MORE I SAID!”

“But I’m still hungry!”

The poor innkeeper’s face was a disturbing shade of red as he yelled at the top of his lungs at a miffed Goku. The boy was now dressed in an oversized shirt and pants, his feet covered in Chinese slippers. His long hair was pulled back and tied with a piece of cloth, making him look decent.

“I have to feed my customers tomorrow you gluttonous brat! So no matter how much your master pays me I won’t serve you another plate.”

Sanzou looked at the plates that were piled up in neat stacks. He had lost count after somewhere after 48.

“Sanzou, make him give me some more!”

Sanzou’s eyes narrowed at the boy as he said, “Didn’t you hear the man?”

Goku balked slightly at the narrow eyes glare he received, but said, “But I’m still hungry!”

Sanzou stood up and handed the innkeeper his golden card. “You’ve survived centuries without food. You’ll live a couple hours without more.”

As the innkeeper left, clutching the golden card like some precious treasure, Goku picked at the crumbs on his plate forlornly. “Its just I’m so hungry. I didn’t feel it while I was…there.”

“You’re body is making up for the years you didn’t eat. Bear with it.”

“Hai.”

Sanzou turned and started toward the room, Goku trailing for once quietly behind him. When Sanzou opened the door, and Goku entered, the boy paused with serious look on his face as he gazed down at the futon on the floor.

Sanzou let him stare as he stripped out of his priest’s robes and draped it carefully on a chair leaving him in his jeans and tight black shirt and arm warmers. He peeled off the arm warmers as well, and got into the bed and rolled over, his back to Goku who still stood staring.

“Its…its…”

Sanzou frowned and looked over his shoulder. The boy was frowning; his hands clenched into tight fists, his eyes dark with something that Sanzou could not read. But he remained silent, letting Goku work out what he wanted to say on his own.

“I see things,” Goku finally said, “And I start to remember, but then its stolen from me, and my head hurts.”

Sanzou paused for a moment before asking, “What do you think you remember?”

“This room.” Said Goku immediately. He slowly lowered himself onto the futon and laid flat on his stomach. “When I try really hard to remember, my head then really hurts and I don’t want to remember anymore.”

Then, his voice dropped so that it was dark and bitter. “I am still chained I guess.”

Sanzou snorted, “Idiot. The past is the past. You can let it remain imprisoning you, or you can break it and live your life.”

“But…”

“You’re a kid. You don’t understand anything, and I’m not going to explain it all to you know. Now shut up and go to sleep.”

And Goku remained silent and minutes later he fell asleep.

But Sanzou remained awake, Goku’s words echoing through his head.

“I never look for the sun, I always look away. But then you came and for a moment I thought the sun was coming to me. I just couldn’t look away.”

“You’re going to walk away…and even if I call you…and call you….you won’t answer me. You’ll walk away and not look at me….and forget and go away. You’ll go away and I’ll be alone again

“I am still chained I guess.”

“Baka.” He muttered into the darkness.

And yet, he didn’t know if he was meant Goku…or himself.

- TBC -

On to part 2
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