Disclaimer: I don't own Gensomaden Saiyuki, which rightfully belongs to Minekura Kazuya.
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Sanzo/Goku
Warnings: slight AU, language, shounen ai, a bit of OOCness, weird humor, hinted adult situations
Notes: First off, I don't do humor often. My sense of humor is very odd, so many of you will probably find this more disturbing/weird/sickeningly OOC than humorous. I apologize for that... but I'm still posting the fic. Half because I can and half because I want to see if I'm wrong.
For the sake of the fic, let's just pretend that half of the food mentioned exists in this timeline, okay? ^^; My first serious attempt at Saiyuki humor; very weird, random, and a bit dirty if you think like Gojyo (or me ^^;). And, of course, Sanzo/Goku. From me to you. Enjoy.

---

Tactless by D-chan

The fact that the boy was actually trying to study something disturbed Sanzo to no end. It took him a full minute of staring before he could force a reaction from himself.

"What the hell are you doing?"

Starting, Goku immediately hunched over whatever he was reading. "Nothing," he said quickly; too quickly to Sanzo's liking.

Scowling, the priest strode toward him. "You're reading it in my room. Show me."

"Can't. It's a secret."

He had only taken the brat in a year ago. It had been bad enough at first with a whiny, pestering brunette following him all over the place, but it had grown ten times worse since Goku had made it a habit to go over to Hakkai and Gojyo's so often. Really, how could he expect to make himself more tolerable by hanging out with those two?

Sanzo glared. "If you can't show me, then get out."

"Fine."

The agreement took Sanzo by surprise. He tried not to show it as the brunette streaked out of the room, his too-long hair flying behind him.

Unfortunately, Sanzo was now itching to know what was so special that Goku had to keep it a secret from him. He decided to tide that urge over with a cigarette or two. Besides, if he had to, he could just take out the paper fan and beat the truth out of the brat later.

By nighttime he forgot all about the incident, but was reminded of it a couple days later. This time he found Goku beneath a tree, intently studying a piece of paper with words scrawled down it. He appeared to be concentrating hard, his lips moving as he read. Sanzo was too far away to make out what he was reading or murmuring.

He frowned. "Monkey," he called. Goku didn't appear to hear him. Annoyed, Sanzo strode over to where the boy sat and delivered a good, hard whack with the infamous paper fan.

"Ow!" Goku cried, scrambling to hide the paper and face his keeper. "What'd I do?" he said defensively.

"I was calling you," Sanzo snapped. "Don't tell me you didn't hear me."

"I didn't!" the boy insisted.

Frowning, Sanzo indicated to the hand behind Goku's back. "What in the world is that?"

"Nothing," Goku mumbled, his eyes looking everywhere but the monk. That was one of the most obvious signs of lying, and that sparked anger in Sanzo.

"If you're not going to tell me, then don't read it where people can see you!"

"Okay." That was the second time Goku hurried off before Sanzo could get another word in.

That made it twice that Goku had been intently studying something, and twice he had run off, refusing to tell Sanzo what it was. Suspicion rose, and this time Sanzo had a more difficult time letting it go. Over the next two weeks he often saw the monkey boy trying to hide somewhere to read in peace, and this time Sanzo didn't bother him.

That didn't mean the curiosity left him alone. It was annoying as hell. There was something strange going on within his own temple grounds, and Sanzo didn't like it one bit.

"He knows."

The sheer paranoia in the boy's voice amused Gojyo to no end. Smirking, the redhead pushed hair from his face, more out of habit than anything else. He had cut it short a few months ago, but it was quickly growing back, now long enough to obscure his vision. Calmly, he said, "What makes you think that?"

"He just does!" Goku threw the paper down on the table, looking pale and almost sick. "He keeps coming up behind me to see what I'm reading. He knows."

Gojyo rolled his eyes. "If he knew, he wouldn't be sitting around thinking about it."

One golden eye narrowed in suspicion. "Why? What would he do?"

Luckily for Gojyo, Hakkai currently wasn't in the room to admonish him for teasing the boy. His grin broadened. "Oh, nothing, I'm sure," he said innocently. It set off alarms in Goku's head.

"Liar!" he accused, launching himself at the half-breed. Taken aback by the sudden attack, Gojyo wasn't able to do much but let them both crash to the floor. "You said this would work! You lied, didn't you, you dirty ba--!"

Gojyo quickly clamped a hand over the boy's mouth, hissing, "Shhhh! Shut up; if you draw Hakkai's attention we're both screwed! And not in a good way," he added.

Goku growled behind the water demon's hand but was otherwise silent. After he deemed it safe, Gojyo removed his hand and shoved the boy off him. "Okay, so what is Sanzo supposed to do, then?" Goku asked, grudgingly giving up on a fight and flopping back down into his seat.

"I already told you," Gojyo said impatiently, righting his chair and sitting in it backward. "It's the best way to let him know how you feel. You told me the one thing you associate with best--"

"I told you a lot," Goku interrupted.

"Well, we picked one. And it'll work; he'll get it and you'll find out if he likes you or not."

Goku still looked doubtful. "I dunno..."

"What? You were all for it a few days ago!"

"Well, Sanzo wasn't so suspicious a few days ago!"

Gojyo rolled his eyes. "Let's put it this way, monkey--"

"Stop calling me a monkey!"

Gojyo twitched, but somehow managed to remain calm. "You can either do this and find out if you stand a chance, oooor," he drawled, grinning, "You could suffer by never knowing."

"..." The silence was all the redhead needed for an answer. Inwardly cackling at his evil plot, he gestured toward the paper. "So, go on. You've got two more days before I swore to give up on you."

Grumbling curses beneath his breath, Goku turned his attention back to the paper. Once the boy wasn't looking, Gojyo couldn't hold back an especially wicked grin.

This was going to be vastly entertaining.

Sanzo wasn't exactly at ease. In fact, "at ease" was just about the exact opposite of what he was right now. He couldn't keep his foot from bouncing impatiently, restlessly, and he rebuked himself each time he caught what he was doing.

Goku was making him nervous, and he couldn't even begin to explain why. All the boy was doing was sitting quietly, sipping his apple juice as he waited for their order to be delivered.

Then again, the quiet part was probably what was getting to Sanzo. He didn't want to be here, but Goku had been unnaturally insistent on going out to eat. Sanzo didn't think of it as caving in; he preferred to think that he had simply been in the mood to agree.

Something weird was about to happen. He knew it.

Goku set his glass down, staring at the transparent orange liquid intently, before raising his eyes to his keeper's. Sanzo arched an eyebrow in response, waiting. Biting his lip, Goku glanced down, frowned, and then looked up, golden eyes sparking with determination.

"You are the apple in my apple juice."

Despite the chattering and clinking of people talking and eating around them, the room felt as though it had fallen deathly silent. Sanzo stared at the boy, not sure he had heard right. At last he said, "Come again?"

Goku refused to repeat it, no matter how many times he was abused with the paper fan. Eventually Sanzo decided to drop it-- until later when Goku, picking at the onions in his stir fry, said without looking up, "You're the onion that makes me cry."

The child was going insane.

Similar outbursts happened at random throughout the entire meal. "You're the meatballs in my spaghetti," was the next one to come, which made Sanzo involuntarily twitch. Goku didn't seem to notice.

While eating salad, he said, "You are the string in my celery."

While working on a helping of string beans, he said, "You're the peas in my pod."

Sanzo finally cut in, his voice tight. "You're not even eating peas, you moron."

Goku paused and looked down at his plate, shrugging. "Okay then. You can be the cuttle in my cuttle fish."

From that point on, Sanzo swore he would ignore the idiot monkey. If he was going to act clinically insane, then by all means, let him!

However, the, "You're the cheese in my Ritz cracker sandwich," comment was enough to make him call for the check. After that Goku didn't say a word. He was silent as they walked back to the temple, and Sanzo finally broke the silence. "What, did you run out?" His voice dripped with sarcasm.

Goku didn't even flinch. "No."

Damn.

Fortunately, the boy made up no more random metaphors. Still, the few he had come up with during dinner were disturbing enough to make Sanzo edgy for the rest of the night. When he finally fell asleep, he dreamt of celery sticks slathered in peanut butter, all topped with Goku's head, dancing in circles around him chanting, "You are the wrapper than holds my cupcake!" By the time he woke he was disturbed beyond all reason, having the strangest urge to march down to where Hakkai and Gojyo lived and put a bullet through the water demon's head.

Sometimes Goku would wake early enough to eat breakfast with Sanzo. Usually he would bring in something weird to eat, something he had found while raiding the kitchens or something Hakkai had sent back with him. This morning Goku was sitting cross-legged on the floor, a bowl balanced in his hand, his back against the wall, nodding in greeting since his mouth was full with the-gods-only-knew-what.

Sanzo sat down as well, where a typical monk's breakfast had been waiting for him. He ignored it for the most part, preferring to smoke instead, and started on the day's newspaper.

Goku's seemingly off-handed comment nearly made him tear the paper in half. "You're the spoon that holds my Cheerios."

God-fucking-damn-it-all! Sanzo cursed silently, gripping the paper hard enough to leave holes where his fingers had been.

Probably emboldened by his silence, Goku tried again. "You are the mayonnaise I spread on my bread." Almost as an afterthought, he added, "And the crust that protects my pie filling."

Something about the way the words were phrased made Sanzo pale and look up sharply. Once again Goku was avoiding his gaze, seeming very interested in what he was eating.

Suddenly Sanzo didn't feel like smoking anymore.

"You did lie, you stupid jerk!"

The shout caused Hakkai to shoot Gojyo a startled look. His housemate tried to look confused and innocent. It didn't work.

Hakkai smiled. "Gojyo," he started pleasantly. "What did you do?"

"Nothing," Gojyo lied, standing up. "I'll go greet the monkey, then."

If that didn't make Hakkai suspicious, nothing more obvious would. Shaking his head, he allowed the man to leave. He could hear their conversation perfectly from the kitchen; neither Goku nor Gojyo seemed to realize that sound carried through the house easily. He wasn't really eavesdropping; he was simply overhearing a conversation. Hakkai sipped at his green tea.

"Now what the hell are you angry about, damn monkey?" Gojyo's tone was hushed, but not quiet enough to be obscured from Hakkai's hearing.

"You said it would work!" Goku's voice was much louder; he didn't seem to realize how close Hakkai was to them. "All he did was hit me and tell me to shut the hell up!"

"Well, did you say all of them?"

All of what, now? Hakkai quelled the question. After all, he was not eavesdropping, just overhearing.

Goku hesitated before answering. "No..."

"Idiot! You need to say all of them! How many did you get through?"

Curiouser and curiouser.

"I got to the Cheerios-- which were pretty good, by the way. D'you guys have more?"

Hakkai smiled. He noted this fact and filed it away for later use.

"Forget the damn Cheerios!" Gojyo was snarling. "Go back there and finish the list."

Apparently whatever Goku hadn't finished had been composed into a list. Interesting.

"Don't tell me what to do!" Goku's voice rose the more impatient he got. Hakkai absently wondered if he had always been like that or if it was a side effect from living with Sanzo for so long. The boy had such a short fuse.

"I'm not helping you after today, in case you don't remember!" And Gojyo's wasn't any longer. Hakkai got up to make more tea.

"Stupid water sprite!"

"Idiot monkey!"

And thus they lapsed into their usual arguments. Hakkai could safely tune them out. He returned to his seat, a fresh cup of hot tea in hand.

Both took their insults to the kitchen, where Hakkai was free to observe the spectacle. Nothing remarkable or unusual happened-- unless you counted Gojyo giving Goku a pair of oranges while calling him a brainless ape as unusual. They immediately proceeded to go back to the front door.

Really, if that was what they called tact, both were helplessly lacking.

The shouts finally died, punctuated with a slam of the front door. Gojyo returned alone, looking a bit ruffled but otherwise trying to appear calm.

Not bothering to hide his amusement, Hakkai asked, "So, what did he want?"

"More Cheerios," Gojyo said without missing a beat, serving only to amuse Hakkai further. "Do we have any more, or did you give them all to Goku?"

Hakkai's eyes widened slightly. "Gojyo," he admonished. "I would never." Hearing the teasing note, Gojyo's eyes narrowed just in time for Hakkai to smile sweetly and say, "I let Hakuryuu eat what little we had left."

Gojyo stared blankly.

Not once did Hakkai's smile falter, even when he cheerfully held up his cup. "Tea, Gojyo?" he offered pleasantly.

Gojyo sighed and proceeded to use his head to make new dent marks in the kitchen table.

Sanzo thanked the gods he didn't believe in that Goku had decided to pay Hakkai and Gojyo a visit. He seemed to be doing that frequently, but his absence left Sanzo feeling a bit less tense; he wouldn't have to worry about the boy's late randomness for at least a couple hours.

Unfortunately, every time he closed his eyes, he kept picturing the dancing Goku celery sticks. Even when the boy wasn't around he was still grating on Sanzo's nerves! This made Sanzo very moody for much of the morning and early afternoon. Luckily for Goku, by the time he entered the room Sanzo had calmed enough to only whack him once with the paper fan for no reason.

Goku cringed. "Geez! What's wrong with you, anyway?" he demanded.

Narrowing his eyes, Sanzo noticed that the boy was looking guilty for some reason. "You," he growled, "Are more irritating than usual lately."

"Well, I'm sorry!" Goku snapped, his tone clearly saying he wasn't that sorry. That caused Sanzo to bring down the Paper Fan of Doom a second time.

When Goku didn't try covering his head with his hands and running away, calling Sanzo abusive, the priest finally noted the oranges in the brunette's hands.

Goku followed his gaze. "Gojyo gave 'em to me."

Sanzo's expression was incredulous. "Gojyo did?"

A fleeting expression of panic crossed Goku's face. "You're the orange I squeeze for my orange juice!" he blurted.

Now Sanzo was dead certain all of the weirdness Goku had been showing was because of Gojyo. Growling, he gripped the paper fan tighter. "Will you shut up with the food metaphors already?!"

Goku blinked, taken aback. "You... you get it?"

Not wanting to admit that he didn't, Sanzo instead asked, "Did Gojyo teach you those?" Goku reluctantly nodded. "And that's what you've been studying," Sanzo continued, the pieces of the puzzle finally clicking together. Goku nodded again. The priest glared. "Why?"

Goku sighed heavily, falling back to lean against the wall. "Gojyo said it'd work," he mumbled, eyes more interested in the floor than anything else.

That didn't help to quell Sanzo's irritation. For the past couple of weeks he had been dealing with the boy's weirdness, and very rarely had he actually questioned him. He deserved a few good explanations for all the torment that had been unleashed on his mind! "Said. What. Would. Work?" he ground out.

"Gojyo said you'd get it if I said the entire list."

That basically meant that the damned half-breed had come up with all those bizarre metaphors himself. And knowing Gojyo...

Sanzo closed his eyes, willing himself to be patient just a bit longer. "And did you say it all?"

"No," Goku admitted.

"Do it."

He could feel the boy's puzzled look but didn't rise to it. Sounds of Goku shifting uncomfortably could be heard, and finally his voice accompanied the noise. "You are..." A pause. "The cucumber I like to pickle."

Sanzo twitched, realizing that was wrong on so many levels, but managed to refrain from striking.

"And," Goku added, "The peel that protects my banana."

Gojyo was so going to get shot.

"Also... the meat that fills my taco."

He could almost hear the water demon laughing maniacally. Any other time it would have seemed insanely weird, but Sanzo could have sworn he almost heard it.

Goku took a deep breath, exhaling slowly as he said, "And the chocolate that covers my pocky."

This clearly had the damned redhead's name written all over it. If Gojyo thought this was discreet, he hadn't been living with Hakkai long enough. Sanzo's hand twitched for his fan, his gun, whatever was destructive, but instead balled his hands into fists to keep from doing anything rash.

"You are the pork bun I put my filling into."

The elongated silence afterward indicated that he was finished. Sanzo opened his eyes, scrutinizing the boy. Goku was actually looking straight at him, golden eyes glimmering with determination. The only thing that gave away his anxiety was the oranges he had crushed in both fists. Juice dripped to the floor, giving Sanzo two reactions. He nearly started rebuking the idiot for making a mess all over his bedroom floor.

However...

"You," he said softly, "Have no idea what you've just insinuated, have you?"

"Somewhat."

"You realize it had nothing to do with food."

"Yeah."

Wordlessly, Sanzo locked the door, kicking a chair in front of it for good measure. He gripped the boy's wrists tightly, causing Goku to start so badly the squashed oranges fell to the floor.

"No one," Sanzo said evenly, "Hears of what happens from this point on. Got it?"

Rather than continue to look surprised, Goku grinned broadly, childish mischief dancing in his eyes. "Got it."

"When Gojyo asks, all I did was call you an idiot."

"And hit me with the fan?"

"Yes," Sanzo said impatiently, wishing fervently that the boy would shut up.

"What if-- mmph!"

All coherent communication was lost after that.

It startled Gojyo to see Goku sitting at their kitchen table to early in the morning. He glanced outside just to ensure it was still early morning and not early afternoon. The boy was trying Hakkai's herbal tea and chatting with the man animatedly, looking a lot more cheerful than he had in days.

Considering that Goku was almost always cheerful, that was saying something.

"Hey, monkey," he drawled, grabbing a canned beer from the fridge. "How'd it go?"

Goku glanced up. "How'd what go?"

The innocence in his voice conflicted with the glint in his eyes. Gojyo wasn't fooled one minute. "Telling Sanzo how you felt."

"Oh, is that what you two have been conspiring?" Hakkai asked, his eyes unashamedly expressing his amusement. Clearly he already knew about the whole thing.

Goku shrugged, mimicking Hakkai by sipping at his tea before saying in a too-calm voice, "Sanzo didn't get it."

"Uh huh." Gojyo's eyes glimmered. "You got laid, didn't you?"

Redness started to seep into Goku's face. He set down the tea, smiling in a desperate attempt to cover his embarrassment. "Thanks for the tea, Hakkai, but I think I should go now I mean he really may be wondering where I am or not or maybe ironing his fan-- I should help! Bye!" Gojyo smirked as the boy darted past him and out the front door.

Hakkai raised an eyebrow. "What on earth did you tell him to say?" Gojyo snickered.

"That he was hungry. What else?"

- The End -

Back to D-chan's fictions
Back to Fictions