A Morning, A Still Life and Manish

Sorry Manish! I am sorry for that I could not respond, as I would have liked to. This morning I met him while going back home after long lasting working night. It was very nice to see him and I felt good too, but was so tired and exhausted, the words that were coming from heart got stuck somewhere and lost. They could not reach their destiny, where they were intended to. I didn�t know how am I reacting, just knew that I saw him and wanted to say a usual big warm �hello� but as if everything was frozen, just still. As if things around me were all colorless, tasteless and with no life. And met him with empty and blocked mind, a totally non-productive state where nothing could ever come in or go out. And even blocked the warmth and excitement of my usual �hi�. Hardly any expression on face, except few odd lines running from left to right, trying to stretch themselves to give a shape or pretend to appear as a smile. As if I was walking in nowhere, with nothing around, in a total emptiness, a SHOONYA.

Manish, a nice and ever smiling chap of our department. Probably he might have noted or not, I have always found relaxation in his mysterious but welcoming smile. Probably its true for everyone who meets him, stated or unstated. The light moments with him always fill the gaps and for a moment you can forget the problems of life. Whenever I am a little down, just walked into his office and chat a little or go for a coffee. Meeting him has always been refreshing. Knowingly or unknowingly, ever smiling and light hearted Manish has been a big support for me in this otherwise alien department.

Seeing him in the morning was like awakening, as he dropped a stone in still water. I came out of the Shoonya that was haunting me for a while. Tiny waves formed, rose and fell and set me for a rare thoughtful moment. Well not that rare, but at a moment when I was least expecting them or was least prepared for them. And all the way walking down to my home, I was feeling sorry for not being able to bring out my warmth which got stuck somewhere on its way. It never happens in general, however depressed, deserted and shattered the life be, I always meet everyone with a lot of charm. But today, though I was completely exhausted, I was surprised that it didn�t happen. I woke up. Found myself still walking towards home but now I was noticing what is going on. Though things still looked colorless, tasteless and lifeless, Manish sparked a stream of thoughts. I could feel that my hands and legs were moving in tandem, without me even trying to move them. As if I was not moving at all, it was some machine somewhere being fit inside, unknown to me, and was driving my lifeless body to somewhere. I was not the master and my body and actions were not the slave of mine at these rare moments. The directives for the body and movement were coming from an unknown source. I felt a lifeless motion and I was observing this in myself. Most of the time my eyes were down on the dark black road of charcoal, probably depicting my own life, which was another sign of something being abnormal. Yes, it is true, I am living with nothing that could be called a life as such. But as most of the people on this earth, I am also living in a limited and very individual space, which remained closed for many years. Darkness and emptiness of life was somewhere closed behind those doors. As for most other beings, I was also keeping the doors closed not letting anyone in and today suddenly Manish opened these doors for me.

What was driving me in a direction which I was totally unaware of? Some might say, it was subconscious of me. Thanks to this subconscious which could still hold its nerves when the conscious was completely knocked out and shattered. Supposedly, it was pushing me towards my home. My hands and legs were still moving in tandem without knowing that I am thinking about them and puzzled why they are moving at all.

Suddenly I found myself standing in front of stairs to the church next to my house. The subconscious was still dominating the conscious. It pushed me through the stairs, which otherwise I always thought useless and tiring business. Now I was in front of the church, my right hand moved, made a cross by itself and wished the world to be a happier place to live, at least for those who has life and who can feel that they are still alive, whose conscious is more conscious then their subconscious and that of mine.

With such wandering thoughts I was at my room. And as I entered, my room was reflecting everything I had been observing all the way. A totally devastated place, completely out of order. My room had, at times, reflected situations of my life. Probably to give me a look and feel, what had my life became in the recent times. Just dropped the bag, and made a place on my bed which I would be using after a break of three days. I hardly slept in the meantime. But my bed was receptive, giving me place to take a sigh of relief. Probably my room knows me the best and had always supported me in my rough times. It gave me shelter whenever I wanted. Keeping me away from otherwise dry world for a while, to take a little rest and to recharge my self for another long round of a normally uninteresting life. And I fell as a knight fall in a war-field after a long fight, with a deep sigh thinking that this life is over for now. Fell as if when I get up, the world will be different, it will be a new birth, a new life all together. And closed my eyes with a long deep sigh to go to dreams where I would probably see the lost colors, the taste and a life full of life.

-August, 16th, 04